hey, renise.
so what's up?
great. great. so listen, uh, i was wondering if maybe you wanted to go to the prom you know, with me.
uh-huh.
okay. so is that a yes or a no?
i'm gonna hold you to that.
ah, i don't know if i'm even gonna. you know, not my style.
who?
yeah, and who are you gonna take, your own palm?
who?
woogie from borrington high? sounds like a loser.
take it easy, smokey.
all right, just be cool. he looks like he's not all there, you know what i mean?
oh yeah. fine.
no, it's an old football injury.
no, a couple of the players and me were joking around and, uh, i fell off the school.
i don't mind. if you think he can hold me.
a real clydesdale, huh warren?
we're here, warren. you wanna get off?
huh?
oh, i don't know. i think proms are pretty dumb.
i mean dumb in the sense that they only happen once a year.
they broke up. she said he started getting weird on her.
oh come on, why would i lie?
um, hi, i'm ted peloquin. i'm here to take mary to the prom.
oh. oh, that's a good one.
hey, warren.
hi, mary.
hey, warren, i think i know where your baseball is.
well, if it's a big white one with red stitching, i think i saw it right behind your ear .
i'm trying. tell him to. calm down.
i was playing a trick. i-i-i had a baseball.
there was a ball i had a honest.
oh. okay. i gotcha.
oh yeah.
may i use your bathroom?
yeeeooooowwwwww!!!!!!!!!!
just a minute.
i was watching the birds!
i wish.
it.
shhhhhh!
what?! no please, sir--
would you shhh! mary's gonna hear us.
what do you mean?
i think a little of both.
one guess.
i don't know. it's not like it was a well thought-out plan.
no, please!
oh god.
no, that's really unneces--
i wasn't trying--
no, no, no, i'll be fine. i'll just hang my shirttail out and work on it in the morning.
no, no, please!
you betcha!
anyway, school ended a few days later and that july her father got transferred to florida.
anyway, it's not something you exactly forget about, but i guess i must've blocked it out of my head. then about a week ago i'm driving on the highway and i got to thinking about mary and suddenly i couldn't breathe. i couldn't keep up with the flow of traffic anymore i felt like i was going to die. i pulled into a rest area, parked the car, and just started shaking.
huh?
what are you saying?
he implied it.
yeah, but he was successful.
come on, that wouldn't make me gay.
what's he like?
good-looking?
what's the point? let's face it, dom, i'm in a slump.
oh, so i'm lucky because my brother got killed in an explosion?
i gotta take this, it might be my boss. ted here.
yep.
see, that's what i want. i don't need these bimbettes you got me chasing. i want what you have. a family. someone to. you know. love.
nah.
well once. mary.
look, i admit it was brief, but it was definitely love. crushes don't last twelve years.
i told you, her family moved to miami.
i don't know.
yeah, right.
because i guarantee she's married and has a couple kids. girls like mary don't stay single.
i did try calling her. a few years ago. she wasn't listed.
i also called unsolved mysteries.
they told me they don't help out stalkers. look, maybe they're right, it's been a long time.
no. no fucking way. that's too creepy.
i don't know about this, dom.
his mother?
and you think he could find out her number for me?
uh-huh.
she moved to miami beach twelve years ago. i checked directory assistance down there and she's not listed. she might've moved ten times since then.
well, i know you're busy
i don't know, maybe you could poke around for a half day and see if she has five kids and a labrador.
you don't buy what?
no.
no.
you can't be serious.
i'm not a stalker ! she's a friend of mine.
look, let's forget it. let's forget the whole thing.
you get fifty a day, period. it's a business trip, they'll pay for your expenses.
really? very, very?
so you found mary?
so she hasn't changed?
no, not at all.
mary's a little chubby, huh?
so she's married?
huh?
three different guys?
oh my.
she's in a wheelchair?!
it's just that. mary. i wouldn't have thought.
thanks, healy. good work.
uh, that's okay.
what are you doing?
miami?
jai alai?
look, uh, i've been thinking about everything you told me.
well i think you're right, i should look her up.
but you said she was a sparkplug?
all the same, i still want to call her. i know it sounds crazy--mary sure has a lot of troubles in her life--but, i don't know, maybe i can help her out. the poor thing's had it tough--she's in a wheelchair for godsakes.
oh. i thought that's not it anyway. i know this doesn't make any sense to you, but i just can't turn it off that fast. i still feel something for her.
japan? what's she doing in japan?
mary's a mail-order bride?
that's it, i'm making an oath. i'll never procrastinate about anything again. life is too fucking short.
what's that, dom? what's the bright side?
i think it was better when i didn't. it was kind of inspiring to know there was someone so pure in the world.
what's so funny?
wait a second, i never told you that.
maybe you're right. i should look on the bright side. i mean, i've still got my health.  i'm out of here. i've got to get up at six a.m. to move my boss's brother into his apartment.
never met him.
amen to that.
what?
i'll try to be more careful.
the thing's kind of heavy.
no, i just meant.
it wasn't my truck--i was helping out a guy in a wheelchair.
out getting coffee.
bob, do you remember mary?
mary.
a convention? how'd you see her at a convention?
babe?
mary's a babe!
my mary--she's not in japan, she's single, and she's got no rugrats. she does have a little gambling problem, she plays the football cards a bit too much, but she's a babe, a surgeon babe!
well think about it.
uh-huh.
that sneaky prick was probably practicing his jai alai.
fuck calling her. i'm going down there.
no prob, i could use the company. i've been on the road going on fifteen hours straight.
that must make it tough.
nah. i'm. i'm nothing.
hm?
'that right? good for you.
the exercise tape? sure, i've seen it on
i see where you're going.
i'd go with the seven.
how do you guarantee that?
huh. that sounds great. unless someone else comes out with six-minute abs.
what the--?
wait a second, it's not what you think.
no! i was pissing!
okay, take it easy, you don't have to push.
i was taking a leak!
i'm telling you, i did not solicit sex! i was just stopping to go the bathroom, next thing i know i tripped over something--well someone--and, poof, there's cops and lights and--
oh. the hitchhiker.
guilty as charged. i'm not gonna play games with you. i could give you a song and dance but what's the point? i did it and we all know it. the hitcher himself told me it's illegal the irony.
jeez, i didn't catch it.
he was the first hitcher i saw, what can i tell you? now cut to the chase, how much trouble am i in?
why i did it? i don't know. boredom? i thought i was doing the guy a favor.
hitchhikers? i don't know--fifty. a hundred maybe--who keeps track?
so. i'm free to go?
i guess.
i am?
yeah feels like it.
shoot.
and this adversely affects me how?
huh? what? no. my mary? mary wouldn't go for him. would she?
jesus christ what have i done?
fuck me. let's go home.
holy shit, there's warren.
jesus, i think her brother spotted me.
i don't know what to say.
are you crazy? i've unleashed a psycho on her. she's gonna be fucking pissed. she's even more beautiful than i remember.
you asshole, what are you--
it is you! it's me. ted. from rhode island ted.
yup, that's right. junior prom. kinda.
oh yeah, healed right up. no visible scars.
i'm gonna take a rain check.
really? i never got a message.
he's dead.
no, it was a good thing. i mean, good in that it was very quick.
funny story. you see, me and a buddy of mine decided to. ah. you know. just . drive down.
nope, nope--dodged a few bullets. god, i cannot believe i'm standing here with mary jenson.
oh. are you?
jeez. that sounds awful. hey, what do you say we go out to dinner tonight, catch up on old times?
mary, we haven't seen each other in twelve years. don't make me wait another day.
oh god, i'm fucking nervous. i don't know if i'm ready for this, man.
got cash.
check.
copped a tin of altoids at the car wash.
hm?
pipes? what are you talking about?
no.
i'm usually too tired to be.
huh.
jesus christ you're right.
holy shit, i've been going out with a loaded gun!
hey.
you look great.
hm?
sure.
thanks, that's great.
now by killer, you mean?
jeez, mary. i'm.
no short game.
what are you?
bullshit, a twenty-two doesn't carry a one-iron--don't sandbag me, lady.
that's more like it. two more nitrate-sicles please.
i say they should put more meats on a stick, you know? they got a lot of sweets on sticks--popsicles, fudgesicles, lollipops--but hardly any meat.
you know what i'd like to see? meat in a cone. you could put corned beef hash in a cone, or chopped liver.
not to mention ketchup and hot peppers.
yeah?
well. why don't you move back?
trying to be.
we'll see. if it doesn't, what the hell, at least i gave it a shot.
what about you, mare? how the hell'd you manage to stay single?
wow. that's too bad. he sounds almost perfect.
uh no. i think i'm gonna get out while i'm ahead.
look, mary, the truth is. i'll be in town for a while now but i don't think we should see each other for a few weeks.
well. to be honest. i'm really crazy about you and it's making me nervous and when i get nervous i'm not myself and i'm afraid i'm going to doing something really dumb before we get started so i think i should just lay back until i regain my composure.
all right, let's go.
yeah, sure.
uh, mare, what kind of dog is puffy?
tell him. to calm down.
hey.
what do you mean?
well, funny story there. you see, uh, it started out as a uh. yeah. it's true. =
wait, hold on, mary--it's not as bad as it sounds. i certainly didn't know--
well yeah, i didn't know much about him. i just thought--
mary, i swear i wasn't trying to trick you.
i did it because because i'd never stopped thinking about you and if i didn't find you i knew my life would never be good again.
mary, come on.
okay.
hello?
surprised?
who the fuck are you?
you fucked me, man? why would you do that?
answer the question, shitball.
do what?
what?! you're calling me a stalker?
you're a sick man, you know that?
your turn?
well you didn't have to blow us both out of the water. jesus christ, just because she found out about you, why'd you have to take me down with you?
i'm talking about the letter, asshole.
are you telling me you didn't send mary a letter outlining our deal?
you mean. steve didn't say all that stuff about warren?
the hell with you both--i'm out of here.
dom? what are you?
you're woogie?
but but you're married. you have kids a great wife.
i called him. i told him to pick up warren and get over here.
i realized something tonight. i'm no better than any of these guys. none of them really love you. they just fixated on you because of how you made them feel. but that's not real love. thank you for letting me see that. now i can get on with the rest of my life.
yeah. that's what i'm telling you. see you, mare.
see you, warren.
what what are you doing here?
oh. thanks.
i. i just want you to be happy, mary.
you're fucking with me, right?
really?
mary. oh mary, i love you.