oh my god! i can't believe my eyes! look at these women! will you look at the gorgeous calves on them?! i'm telling you, give me an athlete any day.  oh god! look at that redhead over there, and look at that one! christ, i hadn't noticed her. paul, i've just fallen madly in love with the most beautiful woman in the world.
the blonde over there, she's too gorgeous for words. just look at those eyes, look at those shoulders and the way she moves. i'm in love. here, take over, i'll be right back.
hello. i'm the captain of this plane. may i ask your name?
listen, jane, i've seen many beautiful women in my life but i swear to you, i've never, ever met a woman as exquisite as you are. jack kneels down before her, and the girl looks at him, amused. he takes her hand and places it over his heart.
jane, can you feel my heart? it's pounding. this is horrible, i think i'm gonna faint. listen: i'm madly in love with you, i'm single and here's my phone number. he hands her his business card.
i'm putting my fate in your hands. if you don't call me, you'll make me the most miserable man on earth. this is no line and i'm not trying to get you into bed. this is something completely different. i love you jane and if you call me i'll be the happiest man in the entire universe -- this is 'love at first sight.' out of all these beautiful women i noticed only you, and.  the girl laughs as jack goes on. meanwhile, the busi- nessman who was seated in the rear of the plane has gotten up and walked over to jack.
no, i'm not.
yes, i'm the pilot.  .  i'm not even asking for your phone number.
yeah, the copilot -- he's up front.  the businessman disappears in the direction of the cockpit.
i'm leaving it all up to you, jane, but if you do give me your phone number, then jane, then.  the businessman has reached the cockpit.
i got her phone number! she gave me her phone number!
it's wonderful -- life is wonderful! the businessman goes back to his seat and jack grabs hold of the microphone.
this is your captain speaking. in honor of your victory, in honor of your beauty, and in honor of jane, the most beautiful gymnast i have ever met. i'm going to give you a little demonstration of aviation gymnastics -- reserved only for the most important guest, hip, hip.  everyone shouts "hooray!" except for paul and the
god, what a woman! paul is nervous, glancing uneasily from car to car.
wanna share a cab? paul yeah, sure! a black ford pulls up in front of them and its driver looks at paul who immediately turns his back on him.
she's so beautiful! i've never been so in love before. can you believe she gave me her phone number.  oh, christ -- where is it?.  oh, no, don't tell me i lost it.  it's a matter of life and death.  oh here it is -- thank god! all the while jack has been rambling on, a beige car on the other side of the street has slowed down. paul notices it. in the beige car, a narcotics agent, graton, is behind the wheel with one of his colleagues sitting beside him.
yeah, sure.  hey, look, will you -- look at that sparkling beauty.
she'll never make it with all that luggage she's got. i gotta give her a hand. look at the colors in her hair! christ, i've never seen a woman like her before.  he's about to walk off when paul grabs him by the arm.
sure you can, no problem.  listen, i gotta go now, i'm gonna see if she'll share a cab with me. you take the shuttle, okay?
come over to my place tonight. we're having a huge party. come around 9, okay? see ya later.
as exquisite as you are.  i think i'm gonna faint. he kneels, takes her hand and puts it over his heart. the young woman is flabbergasted. a lonely-looking paul hails the shuttle bus.
this is no line and i'm not trying to get you into bed. this is something completely different. this is 'love at first sight.' oh, i'm so happy.  let me go get you a glass of champagne. i'll be right back. jack gets up and goes over to the buffet. as soon as he's out of the girl's line of sight, he starts running toward the other end of the apartment. on the way he passes michael, who's deeply engrossed in a vehement conversation about modern art with a girl called sophia. they're fighting like cats and dogs but seem to be enjoy- ing it.
i'm having a hard time. i'm working on two at once.
the brunette in the armchair in the living room -- her name's rosalie.
clementine -- she's waiting for me in the den.
oh, hi, paul, yeah sure.
 please darling, don't move.  i'll be right back, okay? i'll bring us back some champagne.  he disappears with paul.
you're a lifesaver, paul. i thought i'd never get away. rosalie's waiting for me in the living room. isn't she terrific?
clementine.
yeah.  what kind of favor? damn, i've got to get her a glass of champagne.
yeah, sure, of course. no, wait, i'm leaving for south america tomorrow. i'll be gone for three weeks.
but it's okay. peter and michael will be here. they'll take care of it.
absolutely. don't worry about a thing.
delivered sunday picked up thursday. got it. no problem.
sure. you got it. i'll see you later.
okay, sure, not to anyone at all.  look, i'm sorry paul, but i gotta get back to rosalie. now go have a good time. i'll take care of everything.
don't mention it. paul leaves. jack finally reaches the armchair where rosalie is sitting. he stops short, obviously disappointed.
uh-oh. too late. michael is sitting next to rosalie, right next to her. they get up to dance. as he passes jack, michael smiles broadly.
oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling clementine. jack whirls around and heads back towards clementine.
nice work if you can get it, and you can get it if you try.  any scotch left?
sorry i can't give you guys a hand, but i've got something cooking.
i am, the night's still young!.  it's gonna be a lively one. i'm gonna make us a little snack. he makes up a tray with sandwiches.
maxine. beautiful, enchanting maxine. peter and michael look at one another surprised, mouthing silently, "maxine?"
hey, michael -- how'd it go with rosalie?
your old friend sophia appeared and dragged you into a thrilling conversation about modern art and in the meantime rosalie took off with someone else.
i dunno -- lucky guess.
don't worry, i'll leave you her phone number on the hall table. if she's really terrific i'll put a big 'x' next to it. 'bye, guys -- love ya. i won't wake you tomorrow morning. see you in three weeks.
damn! i forgot to tell them about the package! i gotta make a quick phone call. i'll be right back.
oh, c'mon, i've really got to make a phone call! what do you think i'm going to do, pick up one of the new jersey delegates to the i.b.m. convention? jack walks back towards the phone. as he walks we see that the plane is filled with ugly, boring businessmen.
yoo-hoo, guys! i'm home! i've got presents for you.  so where's that wonderful fantastic babe.  he enters and sees the state the apartment is in.
 what the hell happened here? he walks into the apartment, shocked and overwhelmed.
peter! michael! are you here? he goes into the living room -- no one'sthere. into michael's room. no one's there. he goes into his own room, where the destruction is even moreshocking than elsewhere since nothing has been touchedin there.
oh, my god! my beautiful room! my beautiful, beautiful room! michael!.  peter -- where the hell are you, for chrissakes? he runs like a madman into peter's room and stops short on the threshold. michael and peter are each holding a handle of the basket as they rock it gently.
what the hell is going on around here? what happened to this place? what happened to my room? peter and michael look him right in the eye, still rocking the basket.
and anyway, what the hell are you
oh, i get it. the 'silent' treatment! okay, if you won't talk to me, you can talk to my lawyer! this is grounds for divorce! you're in big trouble, the both of you.
i paid to have this place decorated, too, you know. i'm not going to let you get away with this. he leaves; a second later, he comes back.
it's too late to try and talk me out of it. i'm history. i'm gone. i'm outa here. he leaves. a second later, he comes back.
i'm giving you one more chance to.
and that's another thing! i will not have a baby in this house! babies are not part of our agreement!
hey, will you please stop talking like mr. rogers? it's getting on my nerves.
what?
what are you guys talking about? what narcs? what gang? and who's that fucking baby?
what??
it's ridiculous. i look ridiculous.
he should try south america.
paul, hi, it's jack! hey, listen, i brought you back a little present from south america. can i see you right away so i can give it to you? .  yeah, the sooner the better! i can't wait to let you have it. how about 67th and east river?
that was for your 'little' package, and consider yourself lucky i didn't turn you in to the cops! and get one thing into your thick skull: i have never touched dope,
crawl.
listen, sylvia, you've got to come back. i travel, i can't take care of her.  yeah, but you're her mother.  i'm her father -- what makes you so sure i'm the father!? the dates coincide! big deal! that doesn't prove a thing.  but she's still your kid, so do me a favor, get your ass back here immediately and take her off our hands.  'cause we've got a lot better things to do with our lives than wipe a baby's ass, okay? sylvia?.  hello! hello! sylvia, goddam it!
shit! that bitch hung up on me! women! i could kill them!
i don't have the number. i got a message to her through her agency, they won't tell me where she is. i don't even know where she was calling from. and you better believe she's not going
who was that?
what? jesus christ, michael, why didn't you let me talk to her!?
you jerk! you should've said she was terrible, sick as hell! practically on death's door! what a jerk, what a pain in the ass you can be sometimes.
mom? hi, how are you?.  yes, i'm fine. yes, i'm eating well. mom, how would you feel if i told you you were a grandma?.  screaming coming over the phone.
 yeah.  a little girl, mary.  screaming coming over the phone.
 i'd love you to see her. in fact, i was gonna bring her down tomorrow.  today?.  great, i think there's a flight in three hours. i'll be at your place by two. see you real soon! he hangs up gleefully, rubbing his hands together.
okay.
i'll tell her.
right. full of shit.
bottle of water, white as snow.
really, by hand?
rinse three times.
my mother lives alone.
okay.
i gotta get going, i'll miss my plane.
hey, mom!
but, mom, i missed the plane.
where are you going?
but why didn't you say so on the phone?
'bye!
yeah.  she's starving. i gotta heat this bottle up right away. they go into the kitchen together. peter immediately gets busy; he heats the bottle up quickly while jack soothes the hungry mary by carrying her in his arms.
goddamn cruises.
sure she did, but she was just leaving for some stupid cruise around the world. the entire fucking world! with some bimbo boyfriend of her's.  and a bunch of retired bozos.
what?
oh, yes, i was expecting you. won't you come in.  they disappear into the living room. jack shuts the door behind him. michael peeks into the hall, then goes and looks into the living room through the crack in the door. peter, too, peeks in.
she wants to see mary.
well, she wants to see her anyway! he heads toward peter's room.
nothing, nothing.
yeah, but the nanny, mrs. bretsaws, she wants to see her.
yeah, but she wants to see her.
no, no, peter, please, really, don't go, don't bother, i'll go explain it to her myself.
wanna bet she's out of here in ten minutes slamming the door behind her? they tiptoe over to the living room door and eavesdrop.
what did i tell you? ten minutes to the second!
okay, listen, you guys.  i've tried everything and nothing's working: my mother's off on a cruise; mrs. razzolini won't speak to us ever since the whole business with the cops -- we don't want to involve any of our girlfriends; sylvia's taking it easy in europe and there's no way she's gonna come back now that michael went and told her everything's just fine and dandy. peter did a terrific job getting rid of mrs. bretsaws, and all that's left are the daycare centers, but peter's positive they're a breeding pit for a.i.d.s. so you tell me: what are we suppose to do? you want me to split with the kid? or dump her in an orphanage?
what do you mean, organized?
what? never! i'd rather be a subway conductor.
no! never.
well, needless to say i refuse, too!
hey, horny yourself! i don't give a shit. i don't need you guys. i'll find some other way to do it. and i won't take the new york-washington shuttle! he exits, furious.
oh, hi.  nah, nothing's wrong.
i was asking to do the new york- washington shuttle for a few months.
as a matter of fact, he said 'yes.' paul backs up against the wall, protecting his face with his arms. jack leaves, disgusted. paul watches him go, totally confused.
okay, i'm off. she's well fed and she's sleeping now. we hear mary crying.
shit, she's crying. i'll go pick her up.  peter passes him in the corridor. he, too, is ready to go out to his office.
no, she needs to burp -- i've gotta rock her for a little.
thanks for the advice -- now why don't you just shove it? i know you let her scream for hours but i can't.
you'd resort to any theory to not take care of her. just because you've read some books.
it's not your shift, anyway. piss off, will ya?
shit, she's crying.
nothing, nothing. i'll be right back. he gets up, slips on a bathrobe and goes out of the bedroom, carefully closing the door behind him. he goes into the living room, picks mary up, and showers her with kisses. mary stops crying immediately and lays her head on jack's shoulder, sucking her thumb. jack rocks her for a moment then puts her back to bed. mary instantly starts crying again. jack very quickly picks her up again and kisses her. mary is delighted by his tenderness. jack puts her back to bed again.
it' beddy-bye time now, honey, beddy-bye, don't cry, sweetheart.
yeah, every time i try to put her back to bed.
what should i do?
watch your mouth, will you? i'm in love with that young lady.
listen, at night i'm in charge. so get off my back, will you?
oh, michael, go to hell! i'm sick and tired of your little 'father knows best' number!
i didn't ask you to get up, i know what i have to do.
if i can't bring a girl back here anymore, just say so. and i'm gone. i'm outta here. with mary.
and again, and again, and again.  meanwhile, the brunette has put her clothes back on and gathered up her belongings. now she enters the kitchen.
no! wait, please don't go.  it's all over now, i'm coming back to bed.
i tried, but she doesn't want anything --
well, actually.  uh, lately i've been to washington a lot.  and uh.  i'll be right back. he gets up and goes out.
i'm warning you, she'll scream.
that's not fair -- let's take mary out there.
ladies and gentlemen, i would like you to meet my daughter, mary.
don't cry, mary, don't cry.
a few months.
it's her teeth.
stop it, peter. give her to me, i'll put her to bed.
well, she's asleep at last! we sang in har.  hey, where is everybody?
you mean they're all gone?
peter! peter, goddamit, get out here! peter comes back in with jack.
they're all gone!
it's because of the kid. they can't stand kids.
and did you hear natalie: 'she's throwing a temper tantrum, just put her to bed.' what a pain-in- the-ass that broad is!
i scared everyone aw.  just cut the crap, will you? my whole life is diapers, shuttles and bottles. i do the graveyard shift, i'm the one who never gets any sleep. i.
she's been gone for six months and four days.
don't worry, she's gonna get it but good!
let's see, the five bottles, the little bottles for water, the strainer for her cereal.  .  do you have a blender?
for bananas and carrots and stuff. it's time for her to start eating them.
here, could you give these to michael so he can pack them with the clothes? he hands two bibs to sylvia. sylvia walks through the apartment, and stops in front of michael's room, where she looks strangely at the changing table with its mattress, its pretty sheet, and the baby's toilet articles. sylvia enters the living room. michael has spread all of mary's clothes, neatly folded and ironed on the couch. he is packing them in a big bag.
you really screwed us over but good -- you know that.
really. our lives have been out of control for the past six months.
don't cry, c'mon.  you're taking her back now, it's great.
d'you have enough money? can you manage all right?
do you have a boyfriend?
okay, then.  well, 'bye.  the three men are lined up on the sidewalk. mary stares at them, looking a little lost. they wave their hands and: peter, michael and jack 'bye, mary! mary laughs and waves.
well, that's that!
she'll figure it out by herself.
now it's back to the good life for us!
forget about the new york-washington shuttle! i'm off to caracas!
whadda you mean, what's the matter with me?
me? no. i'm fine.
sure i did, why?
so it's the rockettes, so what?
whaddaya mean, sitting there? i happen to be getting ready to fly this airplane.
hi?
wait.  uh, no.
oh, yeah, the park.  the diaper and all.
have you noticed? i'm pregnant.
so, shall we go for a walk?
wouldn't you like to be pregnant?
you see, if i was god, and i could create the world all over again, here's what i would do: i would create adam from eve's rib, not the other way around.
at least that way things would have been clearer to begin with, y'see. they wouldn't have made us believe that somebody could come out of our rib, y'know? 'cause nothing ever comes out of our rib, y'know? ever. only out of our prick, and even then .  everything still has to be done after that.
what we men know how to make is planes, buildings, cars, and all that stuff.  it's useful, mind
and you know what, it's not even like they wanted us to believe it -- it might have been us who wanted to believe it.  but let's face it, nobody comes out of our rib.
still, that's hard to take, goddam it!
the dope? it was in the diaper, why?
but wait -- the baby's gone.
tomorrow, san francisco!
i'll be back the day after tomorrow.
whaddya mean, now?
before what?
it doesn't knock me out at all.
no, she's from finland. oh damn it. what the hell's her name? they've got such weird names.  magdalena.  no, marianna.  no .  oh, i can't remember -- anyway it's ma-something or other.
hi. is sylvia in?
oh.
sure.  why not?
sylvia doing okay?
oh, i see.  silence. the young man sits down at the table and immerses himself in his books. mary doesn't look up from her pack of cigarettes anymore.
listen, on second thought, i don't think i'll wait for her. just give her this when she gets back, okay? and this is for the baby. jack hands the bouquet and the rabbit to the young man, who plops them down on a chair.
shouldn't the baby be in bed by now?
don't you have any tights to put on her legs?
no.
no, i'm not going anywhere anymore, i've had it with traveling. i quit.
don't you call anybody.
i'll be a dishwasher, i'll live in a flophouse.
i'm not going, i told you; i'm not going ever again. i'm sick and tired of traveling, sick and tired of broads. they all have the same asses and i can't seem to love them anyway. i can't take another hotel room, and swimming pools and trendy restaurants! i want to know
he's been here all day.
he's in his room.
yeah.
yeah.
yeah, of course, 'cause after the 5:30 bottle it starts all over again around nine.
and then that's it -- you get only an hour of sleep.
plus they don't put the kids to bed, they let them lie around half-naked.
i could have strangled that guy.
of course. leave her with us. come back whenever you want. get some rest. sylvia, between two sobs, picks up a big bag beside her on the doorstep.
i'll go heat up some water right away. would you like a cup of coffee?
she'll need two or three months to recover, at least.  maybe more!
then we could have four shifts instead of three!
but we'd make a rule, she'd just be 'one of the guys!'