it goes back to prehistoric man. they had comic strips on their walls, for god's sake.
oh yeah, who?
wait one second for me, i'll be right back. michael walks off in the direction of rosalie. paul is wandering among the guests, trying to find jack, he sees peter who is talking with another young woman, nicole. peter is nodding, idly looking around, com- pletely uninterested in the conversation.
all's fair, old buddy.  jack watches a moment, then breaks into a wide smile.
so you struck out again with natalie, huh? that carl is a real smooth operator.
well, i didn't do so well either -- i blew it with rosalie. i don't even know how.
that beauty i managed to swipe
how could you know that?
that's not true. it's just that sophia drives me crazy. she knows all the right buttons to push to make me mad.
terrific.  time. he, too, leaves the living room and runs into jack, who has his arm around clementine's waist as he heads toward his bedroom with her.
no, he's cuddling up with a blonde named clementine.
no, it is clementine, the one with the tits this big.
yeah, but he was with christie at the beginning of the evening -- after that he was with rosalie and then with clementine. and since i stole rosalie away from him.  are you following this?
so, who is it anyway -- christie or clementine?
well, things were going great until.
how did you know?
well, i don't give a damn anyway, i have 24 drawings to hand in to my editor three days from now and i gotta work all night anyway.  so it was all for the best. but you better not leave that maxine's phone number lying around because when i'm done.
what time is it?
a.m. or p.m.?
up 'n' at 'em yourself, asshole -- i just went to bed.
nah, i didn't get anywhere.
six, six! he buries his head under the pillow.
what?
what is it?
it's a basket with a baby in it.
what are we going to do with it?
but it says she went to europe.
whose phone number?
why the hell would i have her number? i've never even heard of this chick!
no way. if i had to keep track of all jack's girlfriends, i'd have to be a full-time secretary.
hey, look, she's waking up.  hey, look, she's crying.
maybe she's hungry?
feed her, i guess.
soft stuff.  i guess.
really? jack said that?
oh, so he told you about this?
boy, he's got a helluva nerve!
let's call jack's mother!
well, just to ask her advice.
but this is an emergency!
maybe i should call my mother.
where are you going?!
what am i supposed to do while you're gone?
whaddya mean, pick her up? i've never held a baby -- i'll drop her!
okay, okay, don't cry like that.  i'll hold you, i'll hold you. he tries rather unsuccessfully to wrap the towel around the child. obviously michael is very put off by the smell coming from mary.
rock-a-bye baby on the tree top.
stop crying now; c'mon, stop.  quit it, will you?.  when the wind blows, the cradle will rock.  what is that jerk doing? milking the cows or something?.  when the bough breaks the cradle will fall.  mary only screams louder.
mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb, if that jerk isn't back in three seconds i swear i'll throw her down the garbage chute.  mary had a little lamb, little lamb.  the doorbell rings.
well, it's about goddamn time! he hurries towards the door, grabs the knob and throws it open.
where the hell have you been? he stops. before him stands the apartment manager, mrs. razzolini, a squat little woman with a moustache.
oh -- hi, mrs. razzolini!
no, it's not me, i mean she's not mine.
no, no, it's jack's, i mean it's not jack's, it's.  someone loaned it to us, i mean someone.
mary.
yeah, well, i have to put her to bed now.
she's.  she's not here. she'll be back soon. michael starts to close the door. she pushes it back open and holds out the package.
well, like, y'see.  she doesn't like to be held by strangers.  the apartment manager has already given michael the package and grabbed mary. she covers her with kisses. mary smiles. michael absent-mindedly looks at the package.
oh no, don't worry, i'm used to it. well, so long, mrs. razzolini.
what a leech! and that other idiot isn't back yet! he throws the package onto an armchair in the hall.
so you love to be held by strangers, do you?
what the hell were you doing? you've been gone for hours! this damn kid's been crying the whole time. i've got a lot better things to do with my time! you're a real pain in the ass!
well, what the hell took you so long? what'd you do, go out for breakfast or something? i didn't even have time for a cup of coffee, for chrissakes.
okay, well, here -- take the kid, i've got work to do.
'cause, it's your problem. you found this kid.
jesus, there she goes again! we gotta feed her something.
why?
do you look on top or bottom?
try feeling with your finger. peter slides his finger over mary's gums.
she's soaking wet -- did you buy any diapers?
excuse me, miss, could you tell me which diapers are the most absorbent?
yeah, but which are better: 20-35 pounds or 12-24 pounds?
oh right, how much she weighs.
i have no idea what you're talking about! he's no friend of mine. michael takes off very, very quickly.
i can't hold her. this kid's out of control here!
then get the cotton yourself if you don't want me to let go of her! peter grabs a huge wad of cotton.
but the couch'll get dirty!
how 'bout after-shave?
okay, let's just put the diaper
how am i supposed to know? peter tries to slide the diaper under mary's backside but she squirms and kicks it off with her feet.
i don't think they're too big -- they're ultra-absorbent. that's all. the more absorbent the better. peter has more or less managed to adjust the diaper.
my arms are getting tired.
it's not working.  what about laying her down?
well, whaddya expect, if you pull on it like an ape, it's gonna rip!
or maybe she's hungry again.
make it snappy, will ya, she's famished.
oh no you're not, you're not gonna leave me alone with her.
you rotten bastard -- do you see me going out on any dates?
so what! if you leave me alone with this kid, i swear i'll pack up and be outta here by morning.
i'm terribly sorry, mr. oxman, but i've run into a few problems, i won't be able to bring you the drawings tomorrow morning as i
on second thought, mr. oxman.  uh, better make that the end of next week. please don't get upset, mr. oxman. i'll do everything possible to get them to you sooner.  you have my word.  i apologize again, mr. oxman.  thank you again, mr. oxman. goodb.  .  mr. oxman? hello, mr. oxman?
he didn't say what time?
terrific! -- we could rot here till eight o'clock tonight.
jack really could have called. he has to have gotten our message by now.
damn right! it's almost time for her bottle, you know.
yes, he does.
she could have at least given us a phone number or the name of someone to contact.
sure they told us! so what? that doesn't make the last four days any less hellish than they were!
about an hour after her bottle, she starts yawning. put her to bed right away or it's pure hell for the next three hours, at least that's what we've noticed. peter has returned with the basket. the punks look at the baby, their eyes wide with disbelief.
you take it all, man! it's a package deal!
how do i know? you take it where they told you to take it.
yeah, whatever you want to call it.
you bet that's the plan! we're not keeping her one more second.
you said it! now maybe i can get some work done. he disappears in the direction of his room. peter is sitting on something hard. he pulls it out from under him, it's a package. he looks at it, casually reading: "care of jack collins." he tosses it to the side. suddenly, it dawns on him. he leaps up, grabs the package and runs into michael's room.
well, a package, i guess.
yeah, why? peter raises his voice, exasperated by michael's calm attitude.
will you quit shouting!
i don't know.  oh yeah, sunday -- mrs. razzolini brought it up.
what's the matter?
hey, asshole yourself!.  oh shit! peter nods and begins to bark orders.
hey, what's happening? what were those cops doing.  peter shuts him up, grabs him roughly under the arm and leads him into his room, closing the door behind them. peter speaks softly but he's totally freaking out, he can hardly breathe.
yeah? what?
tell me what.
but did the cops see the dope?
shit!
don't worry. he starts down the fire escape, then stops and turns back.
oh, by the way, i put some water up to boil for her bottle. michael disappears. peter picks up mary, grabs his wal- let and leaves the room. when he gets to the hall, he discovers that cop #1 has joined cop #2, to whom he is whispering something. peter holds his license out for them to see.
hello, officers.  what's going on?
did you give her the 5:30 bottle?
did you change her?
okay, i'll do it. michael puts down his bag of groceries, takes mary from peter and disappears with the box of diapers. in his room, he lays mary down on his bed and starts undressing her.
okey-dokey, honeybunch, it's time to go beddy-bye now.  we're gonna take a nice long nappy-wappy.  he goes back to the living room, followed by agent #3.
so! can i get you something to drink? agent #1 totally ignores him.
yeah, peter and i just love kids!
come back anytime, gentlemen. you're always welcome here. we have no particular plans to leave new york in the near future, so don't worry about us now. 'bye now. once the cops are gone, michael races back to the living room. peter has collapsed into his armchair.
it's cool, don't worry, i got it stashed.
this way it's close at hand!
relax, will you.
i diapered the dope on her right in front of the cop and he never noticed a thing!
wait a minute. you're not gonna stick me with this kid! tell them you need a maternity leave, tell them anything, but we've got to go 50-50 on this!
yeah, but don't worry about it, i'll be back before it's time for her next bottle. she's asleep now.
well, call him back. tell him you'll come later.
you're crazy. oxman is leaving in an hour. if i don't meet him before then, i blow my 15,000 dollar contract.
look, maybe we could pawn her off on mrs. razzolini, just for a couple of hours -- she's crazy about her!
wait -- i hear someone.  i'll go see.  peter waits with the basket. michael tiptoes to the corner of the corridor.
just as i thought -- the goddamn cops are grilling mrs. razzolini.
listen, she's just had her bottle. she's sleeping like a log. let's just leave her in the apartment. what can possibly happen to her? she's as regular as clockwork. she won't wake up till 8:30 and we'll easily be back by then.
morning, officers. can i help you?
you'll have to excuse the mess.  we had a few friends over last night.
oh, don't mention it! it was a pleasure having you here! i hope you'll find what you're looking for very soon!
did you hear that? he said there'd been a mistake and they weren't going to bother us anymore.
you think so? really?
but he said the investigation was closed.
there's one guy for sure! a redhead, kind of young, disguised sort of like a college student.
i have the feeling they'll come to us.
what do you guys want?
and we want to give it to you. but the cops are tailing us nonstop. matter of fact, there's one right behind us now.
hello? who? goddamn it, where are you?.  .  it's jack. he just landed in newark. he came back early.
make it quick, the punks may be trying to call.
hello? listen, tomorrow, central park at the fountain near the merry-go-round, five o'clock. be there, but.  they've hung up on the other end. michael hangs up and sits down, drained.
 that was it.
you think the cops have our phone bugged?
all right, jack. why don't we start at the very beginning. the very day you left for your vacation.
yeah, we take goddam care of it.
peter couldn't leave. jerry almost jumped out the window. it's lucky they even made it to the finals!
and diapers. have you ever tried to do diapers?
and the day they wrecked the apartment, peter came home and couldn't find mary. i've never seen him in tears like that bef.
and it just so happens, we've got a lot better things to do with our lives than wipe a baby's ass, even if she's yours! peter and michael exit, slamming the door.
what's going on?
sure. i gave it to them, just a moment ago.
is it against the law to give a box of candy to my friends? peter and jack take off their glasses.
i think that guy needs a vacation.
why don't you call her back?
hello?.  no, it's michael.  how are you?.  oh, she's doing just fine, she's in great shape. we're taking very good care of her, you have nothing to worry about. 'bye. he hangs up.
sylvia -- she wanted to know how mary was doing.
she would have just hung up on you again. the important thing is she knows mary's fine.
what's with him? the kid's doing really great!
you'll have four already made, this'll hold till miami.
tell her to make sure mary gets plenty of sleep.
if her ass gets red, tell her not to listen to any pediatricians -- they're full of shit.
then she should give her a bottle of water instead of the regular bottle. works like a charm: her ass will be white as snow in three hours.
peter says her clothes should be washed by hand.
and only in soap flakes without any artificial color or scent. and then rinsed three times in very hot water.
to put her to sleep we sing in harmony -- it always works.
solo works just as well.
now, as for the nipples, you've got to be very, very, very careful.
as soon as the hole gets too big she's gotta throw them out -- this is extra, extra, extra-specially important -- 'cause if the hole's too big, the milk comes out too fast and it's bad for her digest.
i am!
on his way to miami.
no, he took mary to his mother's, she couldn't wait to see her. he's gonna try to unload her on her till sylvia gets back. i made her four bott.
don't worry, i told him everything he had to know, and i made her four bott.
why?
are you pissed off 'cause she's gone?
i made her four bott.
four bottles for the goddam trip. there, i finally got it out.
must be some nanny he found through an agency. peter shrugs and walks away. jack comes out of the living room.
she's asleep.
look, her mother'll be back in less than five months. let's not waste a shitload of time looking for a solution for such a short time. let's get organized.
come on, stop arguing, you two! jack, you're going to have to ask to do the new york-washington shu.
that way, you can do the 6-10 a.m. shift. that amounts to two bottles and two diaper changes. you do the shopping when you get home in the evening and that's all. peter, you'll take the 6-10 p.m. shift. that's two bottles and two diaper changes, her bath and her laundry. since i work at home i'll take the longest shift from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. i'll take her to the park for an hour, but that's it. no shopping, no cooking, no cleaning.
well.  i thought you might do it.
listen to me, you selfish bastards! my shift is eight hours in a row. no way i'm gonna do nights too. after 6 p.m. she can scream all she wants, i don't give a shit.
come on, guys, cool it! it's my shift now. i'll rock her for a few minutes.  .  and then i'll put her right to bed. so off to work, both of you. he pushes them both out.
coochie, coochie, coo.  woo, woo, woo.  bippity, boppity boo.  peter comes rushing into the apartment and runs toward his room. he stops short in the corridor -- he hears mary's laughter and michael's coochie-coo's. noiselessly he tiptoes over to the living room door and listens, troubled. then he walks away and shouts, as though he were just coming out of his room.
yeah, okay. silence.
yeah.  they're both uneasy.
yeah, okay. peter exits.
maybe she's thirsty?
i've bought some stuff for her gums. he rubs some of the medication on mary's gums.
will you quit fighting all the time? she just fell asleep, for chrissake.
okay, that's it. into the kitchen. he exits, furious. peter and jack follow after him. fuming, they file one after the other down the corridor past the stunned brunette in her t-shirt who was waiting
i've had it with you assholes! i won't be the buffer between you two anymore.
i'm not a punching bag! you assholes!
one thing i know: i can't goddamn wait till sylvia gets back!
did you give her something to drink?
well, it's.  art. i'll be right back. he gets up and goes out. jack watches him.
oh shit -- the guests.
and the hell with it.
don't sit down -- it'll get worse. you have to walk around. peter gets up and walks around. jack and michael, standing, watch him walk. mary screams even louder as peter walks back and forth in the room with her. the guests watch in uncomfortable silence.
no, it's only because she's teething, she's usually very sweet.  the guests remain silent.
well.  umm.  how 'bout if i get the cake now, okay? he exits.
ta-da! will you look at this? is this a cake or what? can someone make a little room on the table so i can.  are you guys leaving?
hey, where is everybody?
oh, never mind, don't worry.  good night.  jerry and his wife exit. michael is left standing there with his cake. jack comes in, full of beans.
gone. can you make a little room for me on the table to put the.
yeah, all of 'em, hey, can you make a little room for me to.
hey, could you make a little room for me on the table so i can.
oh, fuck it -- i'm sitting down. he sits down on a chair with the cake on his lap.
and what about me? i'm a prisoner in this house all day long, forget about chasing ass, i haven't gotten laid in six months. when the hell is your friggin' sylvia gonna come back?
you better give your goddam sylvia hell for this!
do you guys want some cake? guys?
thanks.  i put the woolen things on the bottom and the diapers and lighter things on top, because you'll need those first.
you'll have to come back and get the crib later.
then where are you gonna put the tub?
yeah.
yeah, she'll manage.
sleeping late! different women every night! i can't wait!
and i've got six months' worth of sex to catch up on with cathy, nora, frances, susan, barbra.  they have entered the elevator. the doors close. they come out of the elevator, in front of their apartment.
christie, paula, sheila, lisa, kimberly, rhonda, rebecca, louisa.
peter? yeah? what? yow-ee! hooray! terrific! that's fantastic! i'll call jack -- we're gonna celebrate tonight! he hangs up. the blonde is now awake.
they won! they won!
peter. he won the competition!
say hello to the pacific for me.
is there any jam left?
y'mean the japanese one?
mary? a sudden, weighty silence ensues.
you want me to call them?
but you've got to let them know!
c'mon, i'll call you a cab, you've still got time.
but the plane's s'posed to take off in half an hour -- they won't have time to replace you. this is serious -- you'll lose your job and you won't be able to pay your share of the apartment anymore.  you.  jack takes off his pilot's jacket and throws it aside.
what the hell happened?
come on, i made us a good dinner. i bought some filet mignon and haagen-dazs butter pecan. when peter comes back he'll cheer you up.
he has? i didn't hear him.
what? michael heads towards peter's room. jack feebly gets up and follows him. michael knocks on the door. no answer.
peter! dinner's ready! still no answer. michael opens the door: peter's lying face-down on his bed. he's holding the rubber giraffe and sobbing. michael and jack, dismayed, stare at him. peter hides his face in his arm. jack and michael go to the kitchen and sit down to their steaks, totally depressed.
jack! jack, c'mere for chrissake!
yeah, tell me about it! finding time to take her to the park every day is a real bitch!
she pulled the same thing on us. we lost all our friends in one night -- on account of one tooth!
but you're beautiful -- at your age all you need is a good night's sleep and you'll look like new.
we're old pros -- it's not a big deal for us.
i'll go make up her bed! he exits, and, once in the corridor, prances around, leaping and dancing.  he gets to the living room and goes over to the crib: suddenly, he recoils and freezes, a fearful expression on his face. then he turns and races back to the kitchen.
hey, you guys -- come and see, come and see!
come see, i said. jack and peter nervously follow michael into the living room. they stop short in front of the crib: there is sylvia, curled up in a fetal position, sucking her thumb and sleeping like an angel.
the poor thing, she's really wiped out.
a room for her and a room for mary.
yeah, she probably wouldn't want to move here. she'd think we'd jump on her any chance we could.
she'll never want to.