okay, all bets are down! number one is the winner! dewey has the winner. pays five to two! shut up, boss -- we got the corpus christi dog track on the dish -- all she knows is she likes the three dog 'cause his name is pride of odessa 'cause she's from odessa. you gave her twenty to one -- twelve thousand. thousand. you said to shoot the wad. so, roy, you were saying you felt a little flutter for this doctor lady? we lost everything, boss! we owe doreen twelve thousand bucks! them big-haired blondes are a lot smarter 'n us. . how we gonna pay her? it's a bad habit i picked up from knowing you so long. you're looking particularly lovely this evening -- this is nicer than the leopard suit -- we going to pay you. (with horror, inside but your clubs are your livelihood. david simms! what you doing in town? he's on business in houston. you supposed to be out playin' on the golf tour. you got a spot for tin cup? i thought you hated him. he says he carried you on his back. why you here? you son of a bitch. (interrupting, get the hell outta here! take your goddamn color coordinated corporate sponsored soul and get outta here. we'll take the job. you mean like. success? he can. the look comes over your face, you would bury yourself alive to prove you can handle a shovel. 'cuz it's the only way you can beat david simms. 'cuz you never got over that he is on tour and you are not. 'cuz you get that look on your face. 1981, fort washington golf club, fresno, california, final round of the tour qualifying school. a defining moment when you tried to hit the same impossible cut you're right about that, boss, but sometimes. sometimes. par is good enough to win. man, you are having a bad week. she don't know you live in a winnebago. well. you could go out and win the open. i was joking. we talking about the same tournament? the u.s. open? the biggest golf tournament in the world? what do you mean? and then you pay out of your own pocket to go there and get all nervous and intimidated -- you don't got the game. i said you don't got the game. the mental game. the head game. you always go out to shoot zero. sometimes you pull it off. but you can't play like that at the open. you win by taking what the course gives you. you win by being humble, which you aren't, and patient, which you never will you don't ever listen to me. i don't know, man. right now you don't even got the money to get your clubs out of hock. you got boone shakin' already -- front left bunker's your best angle to the pin. no. my job is to get your head straight so you can qualify for the open, much less win it. to get your head straight you got to forget about the doctor lady. then you got no problem telling the doctor lady you can't teach her no more till after the open. ahhh. your quest. chingaso. he may be a soulless robot but he's a rich, happy soulless robot with a beautiful doctor lady girlfriend who's got you by the huevos -- besides, how is getting into the u.s. open gonna change what she thinks about you? but you are who she thinks you are! look, i don't bet on a horse with a hard-on. hey, hey. shit. cool it. maybe you should treat her more like a lady. she did that after you let her dump you. it wouldn't kill you just once to tell her she's beautiful, she can dance, she's no more'n you are for that doctor lady. anybody comes to me for help on their love life about women is already too far gone. actually if you open the club face a hair and play it off your back foot -- it's all i'm good for -- but you can count on me for that, at least. 'bout three balls. i'm no expert, but it seems to me that the `pursuit of a person's mythic destiny' is not the sort of thing that a person needs to get off a five dollar an hour job in order to do. you don't know no shrinks. not the doctor lady? you can't ask advice about the woman you're trying to hose from the woman you're trying to hose! how'd it go with the doctor lady, boss? stroke and distance, eh? dollar bills. his divots got to look like dollar bills. 'course moe norman hits divots like bacon strips 'cuz he come over the top, but that's gettin' too technical for you. how ya feelin', boss? jesus, the doctor lady's here -- long as you keep your dick out of it -- the big dog'll eat? looks like we partners, dr. molly if you can, you be the first. it ain't occasional and it ain't no tendency -- it's a fact of life that he gonna blow sky high, it's just a matter of when and how fast can the pieces be put back together. behind that twinkle in his eyes is nitroglycerin. good. 'cause it's his best side. they bugging you, boss -- i can shut 'em up? i think two iron's safer. tight par five, out of bounds left. you don't want to hit driver. you don't need eagle to qualify! you need to get used to playing smart -- no mistakes wins the open. you not going to listen to me? you don't care i'm trying to help? you think i'm full of shit? you a head case, boss, always were, always will be. go ahead. hit the driver. you can't clear the dogleg with a three wood. no, boss, i'm tired. my life's too short to spend it watching you fall apart. i done it too many times. i knew you had the hots for her. well, i don't think her nor me nor the god of golf his self can keep you from blowing up in the open. there's a lotta triple bogeys out there waiting to grab your ass. you didn't fall in love with earl to be your caddie? you don't love me? as much as earl? am i special? muy bien, julietta. in that case -- i am your caddy once again. you got it bad, don't ya? be sure to do that in the open. i'm watching. yeah, boss, you got the 's' word. shanks are like a virus -- they just show up. nobody can figure 'em out. it's the woman. a woman can have the same effect. keep swinging. he's got the shanks. we got the makings of a greek tragedy here. i'm carrying the bag. he's shanking his love life so he's shanking the golf ball. he's a goner. you want me to stay, boss? you got it. you got to relax, boss -- i'm gonna get rid of them shanks for ya. no hay problema. she the enemy, boss. well she wakin' up with the enemy -- same thing. i don't know, boss, i just don't know. yeah. and the first mexican. como esta, amigo. i have with me one of the legendary ball strikers in the history of golf -- mcavoy -- roy mcavoy -- he's a legend! police? look! right there! fred couples. and ray floyd! you think it would be inappropriate to ask ray floyd for an autograph? hit the seven iron. you never miss the seven. a little thin, boss. maybe we should work on putting. ya can't shank a putt. you got a virus in your brain. i put all your change in your right pocket. very good. now tie your left shoelace in a double knot. esta bueno. now, turn your hat around backwards and put a blue tee behind your right ear. what you think you look like hitting those squirrelly chili peppers up freddy couples' ass, eh? do what i say or i quit. perfect. now hit a seven iron into that tree over there. you're ready. you ain't thinking about shanking, you ain't thinking about the doctor lady, you ain't thinking period. you just lookin' like a fool and hittin' it pure -- your natural state. you cured. that's it. your brain was getting in the way. well, i should recommend you go work on your short game but i think it's better if you go get drunk instead. yeah. you always play better when you're wasted. seven-o-five. first group off. keep drinking, keep dancing. you're drinking till five. c'mon, c'mon, have another -- get you in shape -- nothing like the sight of a finely-tuned athlete on the verge of greatness. almost missed the starting time trying to get you off the floor, boss. you don't handle the hooch like you used to. i seen this hole on tv. hit the big dog down the chute -- you sure? eighty-three. well, you humble now. you weren't trying to make threes. you were trying to avoid making thirteen. maybe that was a coaching error on my part. ol' anti-christ got a hot putter. easy, boss. you got that shot, pods, hood the seven, turn it over, start it low, right to left. you the man. fore in the grill! fore on the patio! you're the legend, boss. stiff, baby, stiff! you guys done yet? this is no time for a marathon. two-sixty to carry, roy. you got to lay up, man. i don't care how good you swinging. you got to lay carry, honey! please! carry! up an' down. there's wind up there. roy. it's a water hazard. you go up there and take a drop. try to save par like you did yesterday. plus he needs his carbohydrates -- you boys a sight for sore eyes. we so damn sick of guys in blazers and slacks that don't wrinkle. it ain't natural 'round here. you're looking particularly lovely this evening. the coif is extraordinary. i bet you a hundred. which way you going? then you got to lay up. par to tie, birdie to win. you lay up too, roy. you can make birdie laying up. you don't need an eagle. birdie wins, par ties. hit the lay up. hole a wedge for goddamn eagle. no time to be thinkin' 'immortality,' cup. time to be thinkin' 7 iron. she's right, pods, a drop and a stroke, up and down par -- we'll win it in sudden death. helluva move you put on that sucker, now let's get up there, take the drop, and make our par, tie peter. not now. this is your last ball, man. if this gets wet, you disqualified.