who?
who's the beauty?
i thought maybe you saw some chick walking by. i lost my concentration. why do they call cars 'she'? they never say 'he'.  always 'she.' the salesman shrugs his shoulders. bb walks around the cadillac.
very nice.  very nice.
now don't try to hustle me here .  you know what i mean. i hate being hustled. give me an honest price, not one of your 'special' deals.  give me an honest price. do i make myself clear?
there ya go.  there ya go.  you're doing it.  you're doing one of those hustle numbers.
four dollars.  i want to pay four dollars a month.
what do ya want to hear? that i'd love to pay three hundred and fifty a month.  is that what you want to hear? tell me how much you want me to pay and i'll tell you how much i'll pay, but don't do a hustle on me.  i don't like that. how much do i want to pay? i'd like to pay nothing! cut to:
and i get a loaner if the car's got to stay?
i get a loaner? the salesman nods. cut to:
are you a lunatic? can't you see i'm trying to back out of this lot? there's a red light, you shoulda stopped.
there's a red light, i'm making a space for myself.  that's what i'm doing, in order to get into the street.  that's something ya do!
bolted! at six miles an hour i'm bolting into the street! you schmuck! you schmuck! he moves toward tilley.
back away? you want me to back away? i'll back away. he turns to walk away from tilley, walks and then turns back and kicks in the headlight of tilley's car.
you're a madman! smashes into me, attacks me.  the man is crazy! people continue to pull them apart.
you're going to prison. death! death! they're going to give you death!
car only has one sixteenth of a mile, and i've been hit. he turns back and looks at tilley.
i'm gonna get even with you, you son of a bitch.  i'm gonna get even with you. this is no ordinary traffic accident.
stay with him.
he's bluffing.
ballsy move. moe throws his hand in, too.
yeah. it's already been hit.
didn't have it five minutes, backing out of the place, and a guy comes out of nowhere and bangs into my car.
i bet it's six hundred bucks.
i didn't dent the frame.
he didn't hit the frame! i'll tell you this, i'm gonna get the son of a bitch. if he would have apologized or something, but this guy gets out, tries to push me around.
yeah.  the guy's totally off the wall. he takes a sip of his coffee.
i'm gonna get him.  just for the fun of it. cut to:
no, i'm up to here with the coffee. he indicates his throat.
i don't know. you know what would be fun to do? let's try the life magazine routine.
you know, i think we've got to come over about two feet. the screen shakes as bb moves the camera. cut to:
i think this is a better position.  the light is hitting it, which is accentuating the effect we're going for. it's very good.  very good.
she's at the window.
this is going to be terrific in life magazine. terrific in life magazine! come on outside, honey.
bingo! the housewife approaches bb and moe suspiciously.
move the tripod another foot.  another foot. moe moves the tripod.
two minutes, ma'am, and we'll be out of here. we just need the picture for life magazine, and we'll be out of here.
it's very simple. ya know, we're doing this layout about the benefits of aluminum siding -- a 'before' and 'after' kind of presentation.
a wonderful issue.  it's one of the finest pictorial things we've done here at life.  the ways you can improve your house. we're gonna be out of here in no time, ma'am.
no, no.  we've got a house that looked like yours and it's been done in aluminum.  it's very nice.
what? the aluminum siding? oh.  i don't know the figures offhand. do you have any idea, moe?
you mean have your house as the 'after' and find another house that looks like your house for the 'before'?
what do ya think, moe? would that be ethical?
you'd have to work out an arrangement with an aluminum siding company and they'd have to do the job very quickly for us to make our deadline.  we've got a deadline, that's the problem.
pressing it. do you think we could manage it, moe?
we might be able to work it.
moe, did you call the office and make sure we can hold up the issue until this job is completed? this house really could be a showcase.
not me. i don't want to go where they've got snakes.
i've heard they've got snakes that'll outrun a horse through the grass. they got a snake that bites you.  you got eleven seconds to live. no thank you. i don't want to spend my good money to visit with that kind of jeopardy. i'd like to go to a place where.  hold it! he hits the brakes suddenly.
the guy who ran into me.  that's his car. he puts the car into park and opens the car door.
i'll be back, moe. i'm gonna even the score. he gets out of the car, quickly walks over to tilley's cadillac, and with a swift kick, he kicks the headlight that isn't already broken. cut to:
you want to get in good with these people.  you want to win their confidence? good thing to try.  get a five dollar bill, take it out when the guy's not looking, drop it on the ground. guy looks back, pick it up, hand it to him and say, 'mr. blah blah, you musta dropped this five dollar bill on the ground.' two things happen.  he says, 'it's not mine,' you say, 'musta been, 'cos it's certainly not mine,' or the guy takes it. right away this guy is thinking you must be one hell of a nice guy.  you're in. you start chipping away.  you start getting inside those people. stanley is quite taken by their information. bb puts his cup down and grabs his coat.
come on, moe, let's split.
this guy's looking to play tit for tat. that's not my game. i'm gonna play hardball. bb throws the glass down on the ground.
i'm gonna find out everything about this son of a bitch, and then i'm gonna find the one thing that cuts him to the quick.
are these any good do ya know? these tv dinners?
my wife died.
i'm over it now, but it was a very trying time.  very trying.  i've only just started eating again.
but then you have to sit and watch it cook. something seems sad about a man sitting alone in a house and watching a chicken cook.
here's to nora. moe smiles, picks up his can, they tap their cans, and both take a swig of their beers.
see that one, if you were married to that one two weeks you'd have to put your head out of the window for air.  this one smothers. that one is the kind that can't live without you.  .  'where were you? when will you be home?'
christ! it's not even one o'clock yet. how long you been married now? what is it? twelve.  twelve years?
holy god! sixteen years? what do you think? is it worth it?
why do you think?
quite a recommendation.  can't wait to do it. he laughs.
look how much more complicated things are now. there used to be a time you met a girl, you courted and then you got married and lived happily ever after. now, see that one over there.  .  that's helen armstrong.  maiden name used to be tudor. get this, she dated charlie rider when i was in high school, seemed like they were together forever. they broke up, she started to go with lenny mardigian, they got married, she's helen mardigian. that goes on two years.  three years, something like that.
they divorce, dates billy small for a couple of years, lives with john isaacs for a year, marries tommy selnini.  that marriage goes in the toilet, but fast. now she's dating charlie rider who was divorced by evelyn chartoff who used to be evelyn gage before that. so much for relationships.
i don't believe it! mr. banana head is here.
that crazy guy that banged into my car and smashed my windows in. i don't fucking believe it! i'm gonna get him.
you got a lot of nerve banging into my car, and you've got a lot of fucking nerve smashing my windows in.
you didn't smash my windows in?
you didn't break my windows?! you didn't break my windows?! he pushes tilley.
come on, let's go outside.  let's settle this in the parking lot.
what is this? what is this crowd here? we're charging admission?
we'll see who's the lucky one. he picks up his coat and leaves with moe. cut to:
well, i guess that's to be expected. you want me to take you home?
every time i listen to sinatra, i always remember when i used to work in atlantic city back in the late 40's.  you know, a busboy job.  sinatra used to play at the 500 club, and we used to take our dates and say, 'hey, you wanna go and hear sinatra?' then we'd just lean on the door of the club in the alley and listen to the music. i think the girls were looking for something a bit more uptown. nora laughs.
i sure do. cut to:
hey, asshole.  here's the ultimate 'fuck you'.  i just poked your wife! cut to:
she's in my bed right now with a big smile on her face. cut to:
is this a setup? that son of a bitch.  i bet he set me up.  i thought i got him, and he got me. that son of a bitch! cut to:
sure. cut to:
it's the future, moe.  it's the future.
i dunno.  looks like any tin man gets in that hot seat, then he's had it.
boy, i tell ya, i bet you could sell a ton of these things.
ever see a dealership?
interesting. they get in the car and drive off. cut to:
i tell you something, she's getting on my nerves.
yeah, yeah.  who else is it gonna be.  'who, nora"!.  who else is there? the whole idea of being with a girl on consecutive nights is new to me. it's one thing when they're with you for a night, but when they live with ya, it's stretching the point. they got a lot of things they bring with them.  you go to the bathroom you see 'things' you never saw before.
well, they move your stuff around and it's not where it used to be.  i'm not used to that.
what?! did we just meet? how long we been partners? no, i've never lived with a girl!
yes, i did. i came in last night, she was sleeping on my side of the bed. in my life i never got out of bed on the left side.  in my life, never from the left. i got close once up in the catskills. i met this girl, dorian. for a week we were together, but it wasn't the same because she always went to her room to change and do all that stuff. she didn't have things in my room.
all this 'cos i'm trying to get even with some guy. you know what? i think i got to see her and put an end to this. cut to:
yeah. cut to:
listen, i got a problem.
um.  er.  well, the problem is.  like.  is like.  eh, you know.  you're the problem.
there's things that are bothering me.
you know.  things.
you know, like things that come up.  stuff.  like.  you know, annoyances.
hard to explain.  very hard.
as an example.  i came home last night, i get undressed, and i realize you're sleeping on my side of the bed. i've always slept on that side.  it's something i've always done.
i didn't want to wake you up.  i thought you might think it was kind of stupid or something.
but there are other things.  bigger things. but i realize just talking about it, they all sound petty and silly.
i don't think we've got to take drastic action. nora smiles.
thought i'd come by and get things off my chest.  talk it out. listen, i'm going over to pimlico.  catch the seventh race.  wanna come?
i know. he goes to walk away, then turns back and gives her a quick kiss. he turns and walks away. nora watches him as he walks by the rows and rows of secretaries and clerks. cut to:
way to go.  southern belle. moe tears up his ticket.
should have bet with me, moe. cut to:
did you bother to bet, or did you just hand your money to the tellers?
who's your accountant, mister, 'cos i think you're down in the debit side.
you want me to believe that you were setting me up with your wife as some kind of decoy?
okay then, you win. bb gets into his car.
if getting nora is part of losing, thank god i didn't win. cut to:
it's a good location.  get a lot of traffic on this street. cut to:
i finally got hold of may.  she was over your sister's.
she'll be down here shortly.
just take it easy, moe.  rest.
don't worry about it now.
don't worry.  don't worry. i'll take care of it tomorrow.
they'll sign, moe. don't worry, they'll sign.
this is kind of new to me, but i thought i better call and tell you i'm gonna be late.  maybe two or three. i never had anyone there to call before, but i thought i should call, you know.
i dunno.  i thought i'd better call, that's all.
i don't know what's gonna happen to moe.
yeah. he hangs up the phone and walks to a room opposite. he opens the door and stands in the doorway looking at moe who is lying beneath an oxygen tent. cut to:
i don't know. to be honest with you, i think i'd rather work alone .  he's too green. is he a pain in the ass?
so what good is he?
if this is a sales pitch, i think you got to work a little harder 'cos i don't think you've got good product. cut to:
what are you, crazy?! nora drives the car forward and then backwards again almost running bb down. she rolls down the window so that she can yell.
wait a minute! wait a minute! nora starts to move the car towards him. he moves away, and her car smashes into the side of his car. she presses the button to the window and rolls it down just a shade.
no, it's his wife.
not tonight, ruthie, my dancing shoes are on holiday.
i'm more than sure. ruthie moves off. bb takes a shot of whiskey and downs it, and then drinks some beer.
best i ever saw? best tin man i ever saw? he holds up his shot glass towards the bartender, and the bartender fills it up.
harry apel.  dandy flynn.  those guys had good lines, but they burned themselves out too fast. best? moe's the best.  the best there ever was. if he's in the door, he's got a sale. the best closer ever.
god damn nora.  god damn nora! i'm trying to adjust.  i'm putting up with things i never put up with in my life. i mean, give me a break.  give me a break, woman. stanely wants to get back to the topic of best tin man.
it was getting to be real pleasant .  figure that. more than pleasant. to hell with her!
great man, moe. great man. bb holds out his glass again to the bartender who refills it. bb downs the shot and drinks more beer.
i don't know why they're so irrational.  chicks. i dunno. i think it's because air gets inside 'em. she probably went back home, to her husband. eleven-thirty.  he wouldn't be home yet. this outght to cover it, stanley. he puts the $10 bill down on the bar and walks out of the club. cut to:
he ain't here. he gets out of the car and looks around the street some more. he stumbles up to a couple of parked cars, look- ing for nora's car. he falls into some trash cans in front of the house. cut to:
hel.  before he can finish the word "hello," tilley hits him hard in the head with the butt of the gun. bb falls to the ground unconscious. cut to:
what're you doing?
you're the craziest human being on the face of this earth! tilley, getting ready with another egg.
nobody does this to me and lives! nobody!
you're going to rue the day you ran into my car. this ain't the end.  this is just the beginning. tilley throws another egg. cut to:
i can't believe it, the man throws eggs at me and now i'm gonna have breakfast with him.
i tell you what.  i'll drop the charges against you, and we can wipe the slate clean.
i told you, i wasn't breaking into your house. i was looking for your wife.
why don't you just order some scrambled eggs and be done with it.  all right?
i'm getting a little hungry.  i've got a headache as it is. just order some eggs so some other people can have something to eat before the lunch trade comes in.
this is not a four-star restaurant .  we're not having a gourmet meal.  we're ordering breakfast, for christ sake!
can i have some french toast and a cup of coffee? bagel, what do you want?
french toast and a cup of coffee.
i'm back to pressing charges against you! tilley turns and is face-to-face with bb.
all right, you want to finish it now? you want to finish it right now? i'm ready.  i'm ready now!
i can't stand it any longer. you're driving me out of my mind. bb lunges for tilley across the table, sam and bagel try to intervene -- the waitress doesn't know what to do.
we're gonna finish it.  we're gonna finish it.
so, i'm having french toast and coffee. bagel? cut to:
moe, when you decided to marry may, how did you know?
how did ya know?
yeah. how did ya know?
this nora is a pain in the ass, moe.  a pain in the ass. it's worse now than when she used to be around. moe smiles.
you wanna hear something? the other night at the corral club, i turned down a dance.
what's the odds on that? you think you can come up with odds on that one?
lot of good times, moe.
that's it, moe? you're gonna spend the day measuring people's feet? 'you're an "e" fit.  you're a "d" wide.  you got a high arch.  i'll show you something in an alligator.  something with a wing tip' how can you talk about that all day long? moe, you're the best tin man there ever was. nobody's a better closer.
so, may's happy about this hess shoe thing, heh?
nora tilley, please. we hear a woman's voice on the other end of the phone.
she's with social security.
i dunno.  she's there somewhere .  yeah, on the third floor.  she's got a desk towards the back.
nora, this is bb. the phone goes dead. bb reluctantly puts the receiver down. cut to:
i gotta talk to you.
give me a chance to explain. you owe me that much. nora still walking toward her car in the downpour.
it was a lousy thing to do, okay? it was a lousy thing to use you to get back at your husband.  but the fact is that i never would have met you otherwise. nora stops and turns to look at bb.
it was lousy.  it was a disgusting, terrible thing.  but a lot of good came out of it.
i'm not always a nice guy, i admit that. i got a lot of training in deceit.  it's an occupational hazard. they stand looking at one another in the rain.
i didn't want to have to come here. i wish that i didn't have to ever see you again. i've gone this far in my life without having to have this kind of thing happen to me. i was going through life, sailing along, pretty good.  doing okay, and i tried to get even with some crazy guy.  and i'm here.
i don't like the idea that i'm not in control of this, but if this stuff's got to happen, i guess i've got no choice. i wanna.  ya know.  .  i wanna be with ya! okay, i said that.  i said it, okay?! i wanna be with ya! it pisses the hell out of me, and i'm gonna tell you that to your face, but i want to be with you because.  i miss you and i'd like to live with you.  i'd like to marry you.  and that's that! nora eyes him carefully. the rain falls on her umbrella and the rain beats on bb's head. after a long moment.
you're gonna come back and stay the night?
i'm glad this is working out.
yeah.
honey, for me.  i'm a parade. cut to:
okay, stanley. stanley closes the car door and bb drives off. stanley watches bb's car turn the bend, and then he goes toward the office door. cut to:
you know something, stanley, i can always smell a guy who's not made of tin. he walks over to stanley.
it's against the law to steal files. i could call and have you arrested and sent to jail, right now.
you work for the commission, is that it? stan nods "yes."
doesn't the commission have enough information? they got to send out guys like you to spy?
you know what your big problem is, stanley? you're lazy. if you want to find out stuff, then you dig.  you get on the phone.  you canvas.  'we're from the home improvement commission' go find your leads.  that's what we do all the time. you're just lazy, stanley. if we're doing something wrong, you should collect all your evidence. instead, you snoop around.  steal files. what is this? undercover time? you think you're breaking up some big drug ring? is this the mafia you've infiltrated? all you've got here is a bunch of guys selling tin for christ sake! you want some files? he walks over to the filing cabinet, flips through some files and pulls out three files. stanley has gotten up from the floor. bb throws the files down on the desk.
here.  here's some jobs i did. leave moe out of this.  he quit the business. stanley gathers up the files from the desk.
go on, get out of here. stanley starts for the door, and turns back.
if it's not gonna be you, it's gonna be somebody else.  and if it's not tonight, it's gonna be another time. stanley exits the office. bb picks up the files that stanley had taken out of the filing cabinet, and starts to put them back. then he slams the filing drawers closed very hard. cut to:
you don't need to talk to him.
ever see a volkswagen?
you know, those little volkswagens.
it's a car.  a little car.
i dunno.  they're interesting.
it's interesting.
i dunno. it's a little thing.  you know, a little thing. guy tells me they don't even have radiators.  they're air-cooled.
it's interesting.  different.  something new. i like it. cut to:
can i talk to you in private, or do i have to talk to you over fourteen pool tables? tilley moves down the hall toward bb.
we've got enough that's going down between the two of us, but the fact of the matter is that i love your wife, and i want to marry her.
why don't we just talk about this in a nice, rational manner.
we've got our problems, but let's try and isolate this particular situation.
what are you gonna gain from this thing here?
nobody's going to benefit from making me mad.
what you're saying is you don't want to discuss this, am i right?
i enjoy the game.
rack 'em. hard cut to:
combination.  side pocket. the tin men react. bb hits the ball and sinks it.
that's four.
you make this one here, and you win.
bad break. bb quickly goes to work.  sinks every one of his balls. he eyes the eight ball carefully. tilley's nervous. a couple of the tin men make private side bets whether the ball goes or doesn't. bb lines up the shot; he shoots, and it misses, hanging up on the lip of the pocket.
yeah.  that puts an end to one of our differences. now, concerning you.
i'm gonna beat the crap out of you. you want it here or do you want it outside?
i think our business is finished. tilley just stands watching bb. bb walks up the steps of the pool hall and exits. cut to:
looney yeah.  yeah. essex.
yeah. i just got some business downtown i gotta take care of. he stands there watching nora as she prepares the plates of food.
listen, nora. i.  um.  i.  er .  lied to you the other day. nora is still waiting for the toast, looking inside the toaster to see if it's getting brown.
i went to see tilley about the divorce. she turns to look at him.
he was not too agreeable, and one thing led to another, and we decided to shoot some pool to settle the matter.
we played pool. if i won he'd give you up, if i lost i'd give you up.
nora, i had no choice.
nora, i had no choice! hand me the toast.
i'm just trying to be honest. it's been on my mind.  on my conscience. he picks up a plate.
this plate yours or mine?
tilley is not the most rational man in this world. i tried to talk to him.  he wouldn't listen. so, what are my options? you know what i'm saying? what are my options?
all right, i'm sorry. beat.
i lost. he dips more toast into his eggs and eats.
i blew the eight ball.
yeah.
it means i'm supposed to give you up, and i'm never supposed to see you again.
well, i'm supposed to give you up as part of honoring that agreement, but i'm not that honorable a guy. he smiles, takes a quick sip of his coffee.
i gotta go.
i told you, i got some business downtown. he gives her a kiss. starts to go, turns back, gives her another kiss, more passionate this time.
i'll see you later. he goes down the hall to walk out the front door.
you?
you got a lawyer?
i don't need one. i don't expect to win.
i gave them some pretty incriminating evidence.
the only way i could think to get out of this business. he smiles.
she's doin' all right. a man comes out of the hearing room.
i do not wish. cut to:
thank you. bb gets up and walks to the back of the room. he stops at the same desk as tilley, but instead of going into his wallet like tilley, he just reaches into his suit pocket, pulls out a license document and tosses it onto the table. then he heads out the door. cut to:
sorry about your license.
yeah. they got my license as well.
what are you doing standing there?
stolen?
you need a ride uptown?
come on. they cross the street and go toward bb's cadillac. bb gets in the driver's side, tilley gets in the passenger side, and the car pulls out. cut to:
i don't know what the world's coming to.
you know what our big crime is? we're nickel and dime guys. we're small time hustlers. they got us because we're hustling nickels and dimes.
gotta find a new business to get into.
maybe.  maybe not.
believe me, we'll find something. it's just a matter of time.
you know, i hear the new cadillac's gonna be out in a couple of months.
yeah.  they're changing the body. i hear it's a beaut.
what're you talking about? you ain't got a pot to piss in.
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