i'm sorry, can we cut, damien? damien grips his headphones in confusion, looking around to his cadre of assistants and ads.  the chopper continues to hover, soldiers continue to fight, except a few are starting to wonder what's going on.
cut! we gotta cut, dorf!
no! not still rolling! cut! damien runs towards speedman. fats, who is young fat comedy gross-out star jeff portnoy, gets up from the ground, rubbing his butt.
i'm sorry.  i can't do it, dorff. damien runs up to speedman. they are the center of attention -- the whole crew watching them.
(above the din of the
wait, hey, y'know, maybe- is it the line? "you are my brothers"? i don't think i would.say that. four leaf wouldn't say that.
is he here, or is he-'at the.hotel? because i would love to run it by him.
i think i got another in me if you want to go again, damien. damien looks at the scorched treeline behind them. speedman looks too, then looks back at damien.
your call. in the background, cody is casually putting out a fire on his lap. he gives an 'i'm o.k.' gesture to no one in particular.
you mu-mu-muhhh make me'ha-aaaapy.
all i want is to make the real four leaf here proud. it's his story, he lived it and wrote it in his book. that's why we're here. but really, i mean, how cah we begin to understand what he-- what you --went through? four leaf fixes his stoic, steely gaze on the horizon for a beat. he lifts his hands up, and we see he has only two hooks. speedman studies him closely, aping his gestures, trying to "get inside" him as much as possible.
that's great. he's like a.  buddha or something. maybe i should rub his belly for luck! he laughs, but quickly realizes four leaf doesn't find it funny.
hey, dorf. just wanted to call and throw a little pep talk your way. i know today was rough, and you're probably mad at yourself for not getting the shots, but that's the way these movies go. we all boot it from time to time, and today was just one of those days. happens.
oh, also needed to let you know, and i. .know you're like wrapped up with the movie, but i really need that new chef like we talked about, you know to really 4 get that super-ripped thing happening. this guy is great but all he makes are dumplings. and they stiill haven't worked out the tivo thing. iii i. i i 4i
yeah, of course, i just know we talked about getting super-super-ripped for that starvation sequence speedman's other line goes. he sees the caller i.d.
oh,, shit-- can you hang on a sec, d? he switches over,, but it takes a few seconds with the hooks.
rick?.
what?
yeah. thanks.
no i'm fine. i've just been having a tough time over here. they still havn't got the tivo hooked up and.  i don't know.  lazarus is getting all this oscar buzz already --
yeah but the way they talk about him. i mean, he played a retarded guy and won an oscar, i play a retarded guy and don't even get a nomination. i don't know, i mean you said "simple jack" would be my "elf" but with oscars. those were your exact words.
yes but --
yeah. you are right.
i guess i just watched some retarded people. i mean, i spent a lot. of time. with them.  watching them.  watching all the retarded stuff they did.
exactly! with jack. i was, for the first time in-my life.  retarded. i was retarded.in.the trailer, retarded at home., brushing my. teeth retarded. in a `weird way i had to unlearn what it was to be.  .not retarded.
about what?
how do you mean? lazarus sets his. drink down. school's in session.
"when.  we.'.  put.  aside.  our.  differences.  we see we're kind of the same." within moments, the place settles completely.
"when we put aside our differences, we see we're kind of the same. let's be friends, i know we will do great things together."
i was looking-at it all backwards. you guys are lost. you heed.me to.lead you, to help you gel, and straighten.up -- like a platoon! a long beat.
whoa.
c'mon! don't you get it? this is what .dorf was talking about -- our slice of the nam! he's trying to get in our heads!
that whole "life and death" speech in the chopper? he's meshing 'with us! what do you think all that "playing god" was about? the guys breathe a huge collective sigh of relief -- except lazarus.
kirk. i know you're the big fancy actor here, but, no offense, i've done a lot mote effects driven event films, and i think i can spot a prop body.
i got a baaaad feeling on this one, fats. the group remains motionless., speedman gives portnoy a ,m in maim "c'mon!" type look. portnoy doesn't know what he means.
i said, i got a baaad feeling on this one, brooklyn.  oh! he's acting! sandusky hesitantly takes the cue, and starts walking. stealthily around.with him, on high.alert.for charlie. swinging his gun unpredictably.
naw, man. i know you ain't crazy brooklyn.
naw, man.  i wouldn't think you was a queer.
that's enough outta you fats. don't you worry, brooklyn. you gotta lotta days a fucking ahead of you and i for one ain't gonna let charlie.  lazarus can't handle it anymore.
sorry damien! back to one.  action! don't you worry, brooklyn, you gotta
how many more takes you wanna wreck? some of us are taking this seriously. lazarus looks likes he wants to explode. but instead he becomes eerily calm. he begins an impressive transformation -- everything except for his skin color returns to his real identity, a pompous irish prick.
excuse me kirk, i think you dropped something. he mimes picking something , off, the ground.
it's called your character. don't worry, i won't tell the academy! suddenly: gunfire from everywhere! the guerrillas have seized the moment. the actors all immediately hit the dirt, except for speedman,.who just looks annoyed and blase as dirt and debris kicks up all around him.
you happy now? we're out of position for the effect! am i the only one who read .the script?! this is the ambush! a tree abovespeedman gets hit, explodes, sprays chunks of wood and shrapnel everywhere.
what are you guys worried about? these guys are pros. the unions would tear them a new ass-if any of us got hurt. the actors stay down, looking scared.
come on, you guys! let's use this!
damien said to head north. i'm guessing they've got more of these "battles" and viet congs rigged for uls on the way. alright, let's hump-our shit to d'ang kwook! let's didi double time! we got a lot of clicks to cover! speedman heads off into a particularly dense section of jungle. after a beat, he reappears, looking a little lost.
oh yeah. thanks, uh.
right. okay, to d'ang kwook! lets do-it- to-it! everyone follows speedman. lazarus, very reluctantly, brings up the rear, still looking off into the jungle. a
we'll see some action soon enough. and try to stay in character. we're on camera.
whenever damien decides it's time, i guess.
i don't know. that's the whole point. damien wants us tired and confused.
fine, fine. okay, let's take a break, but be on the lookout for anything. charlie doesn't care if you're on a break or not. speedman plunks down and opens the map. he seems puzzled. lazarus eyes him suspiciously. sandusky walks off to take a leak. lazarus then watches him go. off to the side, sandusky starts to pee. he hears something rustle next to him.
i'm gonna level with you, bro. i don't need to pee. i need to talk to you. speedman surreptitiously takes out a can of pymp sweat and sticks the tip of his bowie knife into it, to create a red pee.stream.
lazarus is insane. he's freaking out, and. he's gonna.ruin the whole movie for all of us. the men respect you, because you went to boot camp and rehearsal. and you're pretty handy with that map. i need you on my side, kyle.
good man. good man. speedman rejoins the group, gives lazarus a cocky look.
if we stay on this trajectory we should be reaching the village any minute now. at the end of the line, we hear a few groans emanating from portnoy.
buck up,, fats . we got a long road ahead of us.
quit your carping, we're right where we're supposed to be!
yes! there is! its just a little more' down to the.  lefty-down part from the: village. anyway,. this feels like the sampan, boat raid at the end of the second act.
any second now one should come by. alright men, into the water! everyone'except lazarus reluctantly gets into the water. they all hold their rifles above their heads.
wait! first of all.  now speedman grabs him.
kelvin believes in this movie. and, second, need i remind you,. i am your superior officer.
that's the way out! that's our only chance!
help from where! need i remind you that damien's orders were to -- --stay in character. now, i already have an international box office presence, but for some of you, i'm guessing you might not want to screw this movie up! this actually seems to affect the actors. lazarus can't believe it.
okay. c'mon, boys! this way. let's go get those viet congs! lazarus throws down his gun. he's had it.
be my guest. speedman hands over the soggy map. kevin looks. after a long beat.
i can't believe you people!. you're pussing out on me? we are supposed to be a unit!
unbelievable!. are you guys really gonna abandon this movie? a long tense. beat -- finally, sandusky walks towards lazarus. everyone follows him. speedman looks stunned. after a moment, he shakes his head and begins crossing the river, holding his rifle with both hands over his head.
so that's the way it,,is, huh? fine! i'll finish the movie alone! (turns to lazarus, under his
yeah, i do! i'm going to "ex's. jungle. dusk. four leaf pinned down and alone". and, i can shoot it alone. they'watch him trudge into the foliage. u2's "bullet the blue sky" comes up as the men watch speedman disappear.
dorf!. cody?!. what's the deal with a meal break? are they gonna chopper stuff in later on? i don't wanna be a prima donna or anything, but, we gotta eat, right?
die! die, you son of a bitch! die! speedman deals a death blow. and unleashes a primal victory scream. spent, he finally gets a good look at his victim: a.small, cute, cuddly panda.  speedman looks horrified.
no! a panda! i killed a panda!
you have to help me rick!
i don't think so. i'm out in.the bush. alone.
alright. p.o.w camp. scene 67. bring it on dorf.
corporal four leaf tayback. serial number 694529987.
you bastard.
corporal four leaf tayback. and oh. yeah. . .this is from my uncle.  sam! he head butts byong in the face,. sending him reeling into the back wall. beat.
you.ok? you leaned into it, man.orry.
may god protect you from the mighty arm of the 51st tropic thunder to the end! my men will seek you out and mete. out a cruel justice!- byong and the guards look at him, a bit confused.
cut!1
no! puh-puh-pulease don't h-h-h-hurt them.  i tran cocks his head curiously. he stops beating him. he signals.for the guards to stop beating the others. a long beat.
please don't hurt them?i
puh-puh-puhlease don't h-h-hurt them? a hush falls over the crowd. tran'seyes widen.
please! excuse me, what are you saying?
what? you.  you saw simple jack?
thanks. i mean even just the nomination.
no, i mean it is great to.be nominated,.  if you are, or that's what i hear. whatever. it's a popularity contest. it's totally political, you have to lobby for like a year for it.
no problem. so are you going to let me go?
oh, sure, absolutely. speedman tries to throw an arm around tran, a guard grabs the arm., and twists it back. speedman shrieks in pain.
excuse me?
the whole movie?
hey, i know you're big fans and that's
ow!! tran stands over him, screaming into his face:
aww, puh-puh-pa! whu-why you guh-got to muh-muh-make ffffffun of me?
awww, puh-puh-paaaa.  tran turns to one of his men
b-b-b-b-but i am a g-g-g-ggggoood dd-d-d- d-dancer. speedman bows, exhausted and exhilarated. the old women .politely applaud. a new group forms in front of his cage. speedman stands. he sighs, and begins the movie over again.
shu-sure is a puh-puh-purty sssssssunrise, uh-uh-uh-uh-ain't it?
chris michael speedman.
well, i guess that really varies from project to project-- byong screams at speedman, who cowers. even rick flinches.
yes! i work for you!
shackled to the floor. delirious, he sits bolt upright.
you mu-mu-make me ha-aa-ppy.
muh-my nnnname is juh-jack. some folks call muh-me simple juh-jack.
ah 1-1-likes pie.
and i'll second that. they all'turn to see. speedman. the million-dollar smile is back!
now let's get the hell outta here! speedman leads the men to the door. sandusky tosses speedman'a machine gun.
thanks kevin.
follow me. this time they do.
that's their supply chopper.
you want a diversion? i'll give you a diversion. is this baby loaded? he holds up the machine gun.
four leaf! effects guy! come on!!
we gotta get them, go around!! sandusky swings the wheel hard. . .the jeep careens back toward the firefight. they come in hard, and skid to a
it's him.
cover me! speedman runs towards four leaf, through a hailstorm of bullets. portnoy and the guys provide as much cover as
don't you die on me! you have hands?
how did you get hands?
don't you die on me! don't you.  and his weeping continues. he then looks up. to see: