i'm pretty hungry. when i went to the store i was gonna get some ding-dongs.
okee-dokee, doggie-daddy.
the forager's back.
i didn't get any chicken.
it's nine o'clock in the morning. nothing's open.
bye, daddy! hope to see you again real soon.
oh, hush up.
don't worry, daddy, i'm keepin' this fella on a short leash.
hi, dick. i'm alabama worley.
i can't wait to meet you. clarence told me all about you. he said you were his best friend. so, i guess that makes you my best friend, too.
clarence says we gotta be hittin' it.
he said don't go nowhere. we'll be there some time tomorrow.
don't eat anything.
did you get the letter?
what letter?
the letter he sent.
gotten your mail yet?
yes.
ya looked through it?
nope.
get it.
he wants to speak with you.
he can't. we gotta go, but he wants you to read the letter. the letter explains it all. he wants you to know he loves you. and he wants you to know that as of tomorrow, all of your money problems are over.
bye-bye.
 when my mom went into labor, my dad panicked. he never had a kid before, and crashed the car. now, picture this: their car's demolished, crowd is starting to gather, my mom is yelling, going into contractions, and my dad, who was losing it before, is now completely screaming yellow zonkers. then, out of nowhere, as if from thin air, this big giant bus appears, and the bus-driver says, "get her in here.". he forgot all about his route and just drove straight to the hospital. so, because he was such a nice guy, they wanted to name the baby after him, as a sign of gratitude. well, his name was waldo, and no matter how grateful they were, even if i'da been a boy, they would't call me waldo. so they asked waldo where he was from. and, so there you go.
you're gonna be on "t.j. hooker"?
that was so good i am gonna have another.
one please.
which one is on now?
can i have a medium popcorn? a super-large mr. pibb, and a box of goobers.
oh, look what happened. oh god, i'm so sorry. are you ok?
i'm the clumsiest person in the world.
what a wonderful philosophy. thanks for being such a sweetheart. you could have been a real dick.
excuse me.  i hate to bother you again. would you mind too terribly filling me in on what i missed?
the oriental.
want some goobers?
i thought sonny was the good guy.
great movie. action-packed!
sonny kicks ass.
if that was the r, i'd love to see the x.
alabama whitman. pleased to meet ya.
that's my real name, really. i got proof. see.
i took a cab.
sure. why not?
what time is it?
i suppose you gotta get up early, huh?
well, it's just when i see a really good movie i really like to go out and get some pie, and talk about it. it's sort of tradition. do you like to eat pie after you've seen a good movie?
would you like to get some pie?
how 'bout me what?
there's nothing to tell.
what do you want to know?
ask me them again. one by one.
i don't remember.
might be from tallahassee. but i'm not sure yet.
i don't remember. but off the top of my head, i'd say black.
burt reynolds.
yes, i would.
very much. now, where were we?
phil spector. girl group stuff. you know, like "he's a rebel".
mickey rourke, somebody who can appreciate the finer things in life, like elvis's voice, good kung fu, and a tasty piece of pie.
i'm sure there must be something, but i don't really remember. the only thing that comes to mind are persians.
i'm not sure yet. ask me again later.
apparently, i was hit on the head with something really heavy, giving me a form of amnesia. when i came to, i didn't know who i was, where i was, or where i came from. luckily, i had my driver's license or i wouldn't even know my name. i hoped it would tell me where i lived but it had a tallahassee address on it, and i stopped somebody on the street and they told me i was in detroit. so that was no help. but i did have some money on me, so i hopped in a cab until i saw somethin' that looked familiar. for some reason, and don't ask me why, that theater looked familiar. so i told him to stop and i got out.
because you looked like a nice guy, and i was a little scared. and i sure couldda used a nice guy about that time, so i spilled my popcorn on you.
aren't you just dazzled by my imagination, lover boy? where to next?
wow. what a swell place to work.
how long have you worked here?
that's a long time.
do you get paid a lot?
you bet. how much is that worth?
i didn't even know they had stores that just sold comic books.
what's that?
god, spiderman looks different.
what a cool room!
oooooh, you look so cute in your little cowboy outfit. how old were you then?
oh, you look so cute as little elvis.
at the movies?
what would make you think that?
you're not stupid. just wrong.
i love janis.
she od'd, didn't she?
you mean she got a bad batch?
so he really loved her?
you didn't do nothing.
clarence, i've got something to tell you. i didn't just happen to be at the theater. i was paid to be there.
i'm not a theater checker. i'm a call girl.
i'm a call girl. there's a difference, ya know. i don't know. maybe there's not. that place you took me to last night, that comic book place.
yeah, that one. somebody who works there arranged to have me meet you.
i don't know. i didn't talk with them. the plan was for me to bump into you, pick you up, spend the night, and skip out after you fell asleep. i was gonna write you a note and say that this was my last day in america. that i was leaving on a plane this morning up to ukraine to marry a rich millionaire, and thank you for making my last day in america my best day.
it's over on the tv. all it says is: "dear clarence." i couldn't write anymore. i didn't not want to ever see you again. in fact, it's stupid not to ever see you again. las night.  i don't know.  i felt.  i hadn't had that much fun since girl scouts. so i just said, "alabama, come clean, let him know what's what, and if he tells you to go fuck yourself then go back to drexl and fuck yourself."
my pimp.
uh-huh.
uh-huh.
he thinks he is. he says his mother was apache, but i suspect he's lying.
well, i wouldn't go so far as to call him nice, but he's treated me pretty decent. but i've only been there about four days. he got a little rough with arlene the other day.
slapped her around a little. punched her in the stomch. it was pretty scary.
at the bus station. he said i'd be a perfect call girl. and that he knew an agency in california that, on his recommendation, would handle me. they have a very exclusive clientele: movie stars, big businessmen, total white-collar. and all the girls in the agency get a grand a night. at least five hundred. they drive porsches, live in condos, have stockbrokers, carry beepers, you know, like nancy allen in "dressed to kill". and when i was ready he'd call 'em, give me a plane ticket, and send me on my way. he says he makes a nice finder's fee for finding them hot prospects. but no one's gonna pay a grand a night for a girl who doesn't know whether to shit or wind her watch. so what i'm doin' for drexl now is just sorta learnin' the ropes. it seemed like a lotta fun, but i don't really like it much, till last night. you were only my third trick, but you didn't feel like a trick. since it was a secret, i just pretended i was on a date. an, um, i guess i want a second date.
what?
yes.
you better not be fucking teasing me.
i don't believe so.
you better not be fucking teasing me.
i do.
how do you do, mr. worley?
bottom of the ninth . mr. worley. oh, by the by, mr. worley, have you seen your lovely wife today?
of course. are there others, mr. worley?
no no no no no no no no no.
where you goin', honey?
what?
why?
no, clarence. just forget it, babe. i just wanna disappear from there.
you don't know him -
was it him or you?
is this a joke?
i think what you did was.
i think what you did.
 was so romantic.
clean clothes. there is a god,
clarence. those aren't my clothes.
this is great, we got cable.
nope. i'm not really a wine gal.
you did it, quickdraw. i'm so proud of you. you were like a ninja. did i do my part ok?
i felt so stupid just blowing those bubbles.
i'm gonna hop in the tub and get all wet, and slippery, and soapy. then i'm gonna lie in the waterbed, not even both to dry off, and watch x-rated movies till you get your ass back to my lovin' arms.
thank you.
i think you got the wrong room, my name is sadie. i don't have any coke, but there's a pepsi machine downstairs. i don't know any clarence, but maybe my husband does. you might have heard of him, he plays football. al lylezado. he'll be home any minute, you can ask him.
go take a flying fuck and a rolling donut.
you look so ridiculous.
lord, make me an instrument of thy peace; where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy. o divine master, grant that i may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; for it is in giving that we receive, it is pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
really?
how come?
what?
you ain't kiddin', we got lives to start over, we should go somewhere where we can really start from scatch.
cancoon.
it's got a nice ring to it. it sounds like a movie. "clarence and alabama go to cancoon". don't 'cha think?
yeah. i got elbowed right in the eye. and if that wasn't enough, i got hurled the ball when i'm not looking. wam! right in my face.
i thought it was what you wanted, clarence.
it's been fun thinking about the money but i can walk away from it, honey.
no thank you.
i'm his wife.
sweety?
wake up, goddamn it!
bye-bye, boris. good luck.
i could have walked away. i told you that. i told you i could have walked away. this is not my fault. i did not do this. you did this one hundred percent to yourself. i'm not gonna give you the satisfaction of feeling bad. i should laugh 'cause you don't deserve any better. i could get another guy like that. i'm hot lookin'. what are you? dead! dumb jerk. asshole. you're a asshole, you're a asshole, you're a asshole. you wanted it all, didn't ya? didn't ya? well watcha got now? you ain't got the money. you ain't got me. you ain't even got your body anymore. you got nothin'. nada. zip. goose egg. nil. donut.