you sleep well, honey?
me, too. i love this new mattress. it's soft but it's hard at the same time. and i love this new clock.
you've done a great job on this room, carla.
the curtains are the key to the whole thing. they're colorful.  they're brilliant.  they're.  great curtains.
naaaw.  i think we're going to be very happy here. suddenly we hear a door downstairs as it opens, and a man's voice drifts up the stairs:
what's he doing back so early?
you're wonderful, carla. your husband doesn't deserve to kiss your feet.
'oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day'.  now he does something surprising -- not starting to drive, we expect that. what we don't expect is his destination -- because what he does is simply turn the nearest corner and drive right back to the house he just snuck out of.
 'everything's going my way'.  cut to:
carla, what a joy to look at you.
is my partner and best friend, al home from work yet? i am the bringer of good tidings.
stop with that horrible song, you know how i hate birthdays; they're worse than christmas. al presents him with the gift.
for me?
a lighter, just like yours. i don't know what to say, al. i'm all choked up.
good morning, mr. klane. i hope you're having a wonderful -- yes -- no problem -- i have it. yes. today. of course. 'bye. vince hangs up.
that's part of my good news -- you know that money i picked up from the jaguar we boosted. well, * i put the money in the stock * market. i got this incredible * tip. * *
i can't lose. ever hear of p.v.t. * industries? probably not -- * secret takeover bid --
a very special stock -- and it was such a sure thing -- i borrowed another 20 grand from the klane * brothers.
on margin -- and as of last night i was ten thousand ahead. i'm * going to make a fortune -- turn on the t.v. cut to:
i'm wiped out. i got to get some money -- fast. *
i'm a desperate man. *
this is only four thousand --
forget it.
me? i laugh myself to sleep every night, and i never sleep alone. i'm doing great! the owner smiles and turns. vince continues counting the money, nervous as hell. now -- cut to:
marnie! how are you? is your * sister around? *
what an amazing memory --
i am so sorry for all the miserable things i've done to you.
i didn't come here for a loan, sweetheart. i came to say goodbye. * it's not safe for me here. people are trying to kill me. vince starts to rise but linda pulls him back down.
i got involved in the stock market.
you are here and so am i, maybe millions of people go by, but they all disappear from view, and i only have eyes for you.  linda. i only have eyes for you.
you inspire me. * cut to: *
it's the baby klane -- i gotta get the hell out. burt klane strolls to the middle of the room, then suddenly turns and faces linda.
he silently starts to crawl away in the direction of the back door.
the rest is invested. we're gonna make a fortune.
twenty -- ? but i just paid -- just as he opens his mouth, vince is elbowed again.
that was the most wonderful birthday present anybody ever gave me --
i can't take the kindness. it gives me the shakes.
fifty-three dollars? you gotta * be kidding.
so? do i look normal to you?
at you, you jerk. the seven footer rises angrily to his full size. vince moves right in on him -- he may be going through a bad patch, but make no mistake, vince is tough.
tyrone davis, averaged 23 points, eleven rebounds and four blocks a game his senior year. first round pick of the l.a. clippers and now look at him.
world international athletics * representation. vincent benedict -- president. i coulda got you a no-cut contract so you wouldn't have to heist t.v. sets for a living --
call me when you get out, they're always looking for centers in italy.
you gotta talk into the phone, * asshole. julius is confused, momentarily.
listening, somewhat amazed. who is this loony?
-- whoa. i still got another six hours to pay the money back. you * tell those crummy klane brothers that harassing a man when he's already in the slammer is beneath even them --
huh? again?
yeah. go on -- i got that part.
obviously -- the minute i sat down i felt like i was looking in a mirror.
i wouldn't be too sure.
-- that's right. i don't believe a word you said. *
oh.  you want to help me get outta here?
well, money talks, bullshit walks.
i'm in fast company here -- listen, you get me outta here, i'll be whatever you want, best friend, brother, nephew, niece, grandma.
just don't ask me to bend over --
listen, 'twinny,' i hope you didn't blow your wad on those tickets, 'cause it's gonna cost a bunch more to release my car.
you do?
julius -- look -- ease up on the love talk or i'm gonna be tossing my cookies, all right?
just gimme your wallet, okay? as julius sweetly hands it over --
no, you don't.
actually, i was thinking i'm going to need some more money -- to put gas in my car --
i can?
we're brothers -- right? julius tries to drape an arm around vince's shoulder. vince gives him a look. julius drops his arm. time cut to:
they arrest you, they put you * behind bars, they fine you and * then they hide your car. *
yeah -- how'd you know that was my car.
-- get lost together -- and on that, he guns his car the hell away, leaving julius standing there.
what're you doing with my desk?
it was time to redecorate anyway. the phone rings -- miss busby drops to her knees beside it.
miss busby -- stacy -- this is a transition period for the corporation -- why don't you take a few days off.
'aqua-velva' -- you shouldn't have -- she takes her purse, smiles, goes. when he's alone, into phone:
i hope you got some good news, * al -- *
great, i'll be right over. vince drops to his knees in order to replace the phone into its receiver. he then scrambles up, straightens his suit, heads for the door, making sure his pony tail is perfect. cut to:
in agony, on his knees. it hurts to breath. he finally manages to look up at the giant --
did you hit me yet? 'cause i didn't feel nothin'.
we're twins.
watching as julius picks up klane with both hands and lifts him a foot up into the air, holding him there for a pause.
-- and this next is timed perfectly -- as he pushes the elevator button and.  cut to:
shouting as the door closes on the crumpled klane.
tell your brother 'he messes with me, he messes with my whole family!'
i like it when you hit people!
but you're so good at it. we ought to go into business together. you could be a boxer and i'll be your manager.
no problem. you do the fighting, i'll keep all the money.
why do you keep saying that? we're not twins, we're not brothers, we're nothing, and you're only in this car because i could use a little protection these days --
due this morning. * cut to: *
i don't know where my head is -- i forgot i promised this friend of mine -- sammy -- i'd pick up his car at the airport -- do me a big favor, okay? drive this car back from the airport for me.
what are you doing with that finger?
that dopey sam -- he did it again. forgot to leave the keys.  a lot of handicapped kids are gonna be really disappointed.
this car was supposed to be auctioned off at their charity drive tomorrow. oh, well, let's go eat.
you think we should do a thing like that?
i saw a guy from the auto club do this once.  the door locks suddenly pop up in unison.
whaddya know? beginner's luck!
as he takes a breath, opens the door, scoots inside --
no shit.  it's beginning to dawn on vince that there may be more to julius than meets the eye.
ya see that little dot in your rearview mirror? that's me.
there's a supermarket up ahead. take your foot off the gas and very -- very -- very gently put it on the brake.
lemme tell you something about america, julius -- nobody likes a smart-ass.
that's right.  they all turn and look at vince, who's pulled his cart up behind them.
god you look beautiful in this light.
julius, meet linda and.  her charming sister, marnie.
goodbye girls, see you soon.
yeah. kind of.
marnie! marnie hates my guts. she seemed to like you.
that's the best way -- women love men who are mysterious and devious. it keeps them on their toes -- makes them excited you know what i mean?
you do like women, don't you?
now correct me if i'm wrong. you're a virgin, aren't you?
he's a 230-pound virgin. *
alright! alright! i got your food. yes! 'liver and cheese,' 'chicken giblets,' all your favorites, julius.
the secret to take-out veal parmesan is adding a little extra cheese. i know you're probably used to growing your own vegetables and spearing fish in the lagoon, but here on the mainland we just nuke it!
dinner is served!
so, let me get this right. one of * our fathers was a famous football player, another one was a physicist at m.i.t. --
naturally.  so all of our dads were these big shots and mom was, like, superwoman, but she didn't survive our delivery. i got sent to an orphanage while you were brought up in a tropical paradise by this scientist you do research for, but who doesn't actually pay you because you don't need money. did i leave anything out? julius ignores vince's cynicism.
you mean, all those geniuses who contributed to the.  .  sperm milkshake? *
do you know how many times i've heard stories like this? it's every orphan's fantasy: 'my real mom and dad were rich and beautiful, but there was a mix-up at the hospital and i got switched with another baby.  but one day there's going to be a knock at the door and there they'll be with open arms, crying.  "my darling! my treasure! we didn't know! how can we make it up to you?"' i'm telling you this for your own good, julius. it's a crock. vince goes over to a trunk, rummages in it, comes up with a dusty mouldering folder from which he removes a yellow- ing piece of paper.
i liberated this from my file at the orphanage. read it and weep. julius takes the paper and reads aloud.
that's right, julius, she abandoned me.
i don't know about your momma, miss perfect of 1952, but my momma was a slut, and if she's still alive, i hope she's in a lot of pain. she dumped me once -- no way she gonna get a chance to do it again --
julius -- slow down -- i've got no time for this. you go hunt down * mom, i've got a cash flow problem * to deal with.
what!
or else what? suddenly, vince's living room windows explode in a burst of gunfire. vince and julius hit the floor and try to shield themselves from the shattering glass. the sound of a car squealing away outside the window.
sorry -- the car's been promised for a kid's charity.
-- uh.  webster -- calling from california. i happen to have some merchandise you might want --
it's the amount of enrichment i want to talk about.
look, beetroot -- if we can't renegotiate we wither and die. i'm not delivering any goddam cadillac without knowing for sure i got twenty for my cut.
i guess twenty seems a little high to you. i'm a reasonable guy -- i'll take fifteen -- mckinley listen to me, you poor excuse for a warmed over turd, a deal's a deal --
-- but -- cut to:
i can do better than five here. mckinley if you can do better than five million dollars, take it! *
f-five million dollars.  he writes down the proper amount now: $5,000,000. then he kisses the piece of paper.
beetroot?
i'll see you in houston -- after all, fair is fair. i'll just have to find it in my heart to live with your offer.  vince hangs up, jumps up and screams with joy. he puts the cassette in his pocket, crumples up the piece of paper, and sky-hooks it into the waste basket.
five million dollars!
'going back to houston, houston, houston' vince tosses the items into the back seat of the caddy, just as julius jogs up the driveway and collapses against the caddie door. he's red in the face, completely drenched with sweat, gasping for breath, having run all the way from bel-air.
jesus!
you scared the living shit out of me --
great. julius, in his fervor, grips vince by the shoulders.
awww -- that's terrible. vince removes julius's hands, slides him away from the door, and opens it.
look, julius, i'm in kind of a hurry. sammy wants me to take the car to houston. much bigger bucks when you raffle for charity in houston. julius takes the map from vince, looks at it.
a lot of places are on the way to houston. i'll be back in a few days. stay in my apartment. run up my phone bill. throw wild parties. take advantage of me.
no we don't.
you know -- you're right. this is fate -- destiny -- but there's no way i'm gonna drive for 1500 miles with you smelling like that --
why does everybody have to like me so much? vince gets out of the car and, although it kills him, tries to put on a happy face for linda.
oh please -- it's not my birthday anymore --
nowhere --
okay, okay -- look, you can't tell anybody this -- not even your sister -- but i'm onto something so huge it gives me a rash just thinking about it.
i got something in here -- -- i don't even know what it is -- that's worth a fortune!
i borrowed a cup of sugar from her once.
no you're not.
okay, okay. just don't let on to julius. he thinks we're going to look up our ancestors, like in 'roots' or something.
this ought to fit you. julius removes the shirt he borrowed from vince, who pretends to be horrified at the sight of julius's huge muscles.
whoa -- get away from that window! there's women and children out there! what is wrong with you?
you allergic to something?
what are those bumps doing all over your body? you're all swelled up. you look like you're about to explode.
-- are just born to be bad. it's you, julius. oooh, you are so scary.
it's his first t-shirt.
see if you can get us a room with a king-sized bed, okay? linda smiles at him, and winks. julius, misunderstanding the sleeping arrangements, leans out the window.
now promise me something.
if this professor traven says he's never heard of mom, and us twins, and all our dads, and the experiment, i don't want you to be upset. -- because this is entirely possible.
well, that's that. on to houston. he leads a stunned julius down the corridor, towards several armed security guards.
keep your voice down. this place is crawling with security -- *
don't do this to me. i got a car to deliver. the last thing i need is a detour in the slammer -- julius furiously stops and turns around.
no.  cut to:
 how did you know my name?
gazes at the "blender" we saw traven demonstrating in
this must be where you made the milkshake.
but instead of just one perfect kid, mom had two of us -- way to go, mom.
whoa -- i'm the crap?
no, i want to hear this. i'm left-over crap? i'm no good?
you tellin' me i'm a side effect!?!
my life just got flushed down the toilet.
i'm genetic garbage.
* i know this is a touchy subject * for you, julius. but the fact is, * we don't look the same -- we don't * act the same, we don't talk the * same -- we don't dress the same. *
so how come if we're the same, we're so damn different. *
yeah?
a family? you really think so?
with like thanksgiving dinner? and christmas trees.
always?
i'm not introducing you to my mother dressed like some goatsherder from albania. you need some new clothes.
do i look like i need help? here's the problem. maybe i'll try on a couple of things myself.
you look better, put it that way. we got to do something about the way you walk. you're moving a tad stiff, jules. ever see * frankenstein?
that's not gonna help. you got to walk like you're moving in time to music. i'm not talking about military marches now, i mean aretha franklin, otis redding, wilson pickett, archie bell and the drells and a couple of white * guys. *
like this.  you just got to try to be cool, you know? try these on.
everything julius said was true. i'm the product of geniuses!
of course, but it's nice to make it official. * julius * tommorrow we're going to finally meet our mother. vince * and tonight we celebrate!
talk to her, buy her some drinks, dance with her. girls like to dance.
i guess you haven't done that before either.
well -- forget all that disco shit, everyone's seen it. when i really want to romance a girl, i waltz with her.
it turns them to putty in your hands.
he shoves a chair out of the way, making a little room.
okay, come here, put your feet by my feet --
-- i said put your feet by my feet not on my feet! -- julius looks at his brother, then self-consciously takes his hands.
i'll lead, you follow. okay, one, two, three, turn.  .  put your arm here -- you're breaking my fingers -- you're not wrestling a boar 300 miles south southwest of fiji -- don't clench your teeth -- vince begins to take julius through the steps slowly at first, then as julius gains confidence they begin to sail round the room, and we -- cut to:
well, you've learned to waltz. now it's time to introduce you to the wonderful world of getting shit-faced. cut to:
well, we're going to change all that -- aren't we, marnie? julius, embarrassed, looks over at marnie, who's smiling sweetly at him.
please excuse me -- my back teeth are floating.
not all the time. listen, marnie's got the hots for you. tonight could be your lucky night.
piece of cake. you're nervous 'cause it's your first time. perfectly natural.
i was twelve and she was a nun -- that's real pressure. they both finish at the urinals and begin washing at the sink.
i got to admit it, jules -- since i met you, life is getting better all the time. julius, a little smashed, can't hide his feelings. he grips vince by the shoulders.
hey, cut it out! not in here! julius releases vince, who clocks the other man's reaction.
go easy on the beer, okay?
what are you talking about? we didn't shoot anybody.
that's kind of drastic, don't you think?
how many of those.  rules do you have?
i bet.
uh.  we got cable tv, a fully stocked bar, free ice -- we're in great shape.
i thought i'd just go and tuck linda in for the night.
maybe read her a bedtime story. don't wait up for me.
oh yes it does. time cut to:
-- eighteen -- nineteen --
julius gave me a few pointers -- -- seventy-five -- seventy-six -- i don't need to exercise, but mom's gonna see me for the first * time in thirty-five years, i wanna look my best.
i know she will -- i have that effect on people -- -- one hundred and forty-three -- * one forty-four -- * -- i just hope she's not too disappointed in julius -- he can't help how weird he seems at the start --
hey -- i sleep great every night -- -- what if she's disappointed in me?
five hundred. don't want to overdo. he goes into her arms.
you're right. i couldn't do this without you, linda.
whoa! move in together?
i'm no good at playing house -- i'm grouchy in the morning, cranky in the afternoon, moody at night --
why don't we sleep on this, okay? i mean, i've got a big day tomorrow. it's gonna be great -- taking my best girl to meet my mom.
there's nobody else, linda, not anymore.
good idea. one bunch from me, one from jules.
not to mention valuable -- real estate like this must be worth a fortune.
you got me wrong -- i'm just saying it's nice mom's loaded -- that's a worry she won't have to have in her old age. julius smiles at vince and rings the bell. a male custodian answers the door -- friendly but very firm.
we've come a long way. i can assure you she's going to be very happy to see us.
gotta be. well, don't just stand there.
that depends on how you feel personally about trespassing.
please don't do that -- look -- this isn't one of your average everyday situations -- she's our mother is the thing.
twin sons.
we're kind of a surprise.
we were right --
-- is mary ann?
this is some chunk of real estate -- mom owns it all, i guess. they are heading toward a door in the garden wall.
no, of course not.
she's not famous anymore?
but -- but you said she was here --
can we get the hell out of here?
do i look like a young artist to you, linda?
i know what she meant. and i know why she's here, too. it's got nothing to do with my mother and everything to do with money.
bull-shit. julius, who's been quiet and distant throughout, suddenly intercedes.
you hear that, everybody? the * creature from the black lagoon * just put in his two bits. i * should have my head examined for listening to you in the first place -- deal-of-a-lifetime opportunity and i'm driving around looking for a dead mother.
family, my butt. there's no family here. there's just me and three losers -- i'm leaving.
okay, beetroot -- it's time. i'll be there tomorrow -- where do we meet and trade?
i thought we had a deal here.
this is what?
five million dollars --
i trust you.
hiding behind some machinery, scurries deeper into the bowels of the warehouse.
crawling along the ground. he spots an open window up ahead at the end of the warehouse. nearer, to his right, is another window, closed.
crouched near the open window, glancing back at webster who has no idea where he is. noiselessly, he slides out of the open window, briefcase in hand, starts to run away --
no way.  this is bullshit.  julius, you putz.
goddam esp-psycho-voodoo bullshit.
put the goddam gun away -- you're a multimillionaire. cut to:
hands held high, appears, stands beside julius.
i am never going to forgive you for this.
i had escaped. i was on my way to brazil -- when i felt you.
because, thanks to you, i'm now not only a godamn psychic, i've got this disease called a conscience!
how am i going to survive out there? what are my friends going to think?
butt out, okay? this is family stuff, we're squabbling, it's personal, just take the money and go sit in the lap of luxury somewhere. try brazil.
-- hold it, don't i get a say in this? webster points the shotgun at vince, starts to squeeze the trigger when --
you can be an irritating pain -- but sometimes you come in handy. -- where'd you get the gun?
you should have checked if he had a gun, chump.
ooooh -- you lied?
looks like you messed with the wrong people, wise guy.
duck? duck? you are developing real style, julius.
yeah, yeah, yeah.
you're my brother, right? we're family, right?
we're a rich family, right?
return the money?!? are you nuts?!? this is dirty money, * julius -- it doesn't belong to anybody --
-- i won't -- i won't feel one bit better -- i'll never feel better, not if i live to be.  oh no -- * as the sound of police sirens get louder we --
linda, i --
you wouldn't answer my calls or my letters, so i.  look, i made a terrible mistake and i apologize and i want to tell you that i'm a changed man. linda is almost buying it, but then --
well, there was a window in the back that --
all i ask is for another chance. i know i probably don't deserve it, but --
i had to break into your apartment, but --
so, do you forgive me? linda hesitates.
but? vince looks at her, understands.
you mean, that matter we talked about once and never really resolved.
the matter of you and me living together.
your place or mine?
what do we do? most people on this planet cause problems -- the benedict corporation solves them. we're a consulting firm -- a think-tank -- sort of like the rand corporation -- only smarter! tuesday at three. see you then.
just as long as they pay -- we're not running a charity, you know.
come in!
momma? mary anne nods.
momma! they both run to mary anne and hug her for all she's worth. they're laughing, crying, holding each other. slowly, we.
sceaming in stereo.
not you, too -- it's not a competition, you know. they both start pushing their strollers again.
now that's a scary thought. they both yawn simultaneously once again.