alright. look here, any of you kids hear in this room: what you hear here, what you say here, what you do here, f'it got out, you leaked it.
this ain't the illegal immigrant nanny.
okay. and she's alleging?
who's got the story?
what difference does it make if it's true?
well, yeah. now. that's not good. okay:
thank you. now: where is he?
when's he coming back?
you the press office?
you gotta give me a day. i need a day.
all i need is the one day.
yes -- it will.  now: why is the president in china?
you're goddamn right. and it's got nothing to do with the b-2 bomber.
that's what i'm telling you.
naw, we can't play this one catch-up. that's how long since you stopped beating the wife. we have to.
they caught him in the closet with a girlscout. side- effects of a pill ain't gone trump that. you have to keep'em guessing for
well, that's what we're doing here.
okay, look, who's takin' the press conference today?
what do you think? what i need from you: i need a base of operations. some place in the district. i need some clean money .
and, to hold it together, i need two days. there is no b-2 bomber: here's what you do ahout that: whoever is leaking stuff to that geek at the post, lets it slip, "geez, i hope this doesn't screw up the b-2 program" "what b-2 program, and why should it screw it up?" "if the president moves to deploy the b-2 before it is fully tested." "deploy the b-2, why?" "in the crisis."
i'm working on it. same time, you call billy scott at joint chiefs, and pour him onna plane right now to seattle, y'got that? all flustered and worried. to talk to the boeing people.
where'd you go to school, kid. wellesly?
then show a little spunk. there is no b-2 bomber, general scott, the best of your knowledge, is not in seattle to talk with boeing.
one day, two days? course it's gonna hhhh.
we don't need it to prove out. we need it to distract them for two weeks til the election.
i'm working on it.
gimme twenty thousand dollars.
i'll be back within the hour. now,
what is it?
that's our commercial.
what is this?
yeah, i'm gonna have to go to l.a.
we landing?
we aren't going to have a war. we're going to have the "appearance" of a war.
what's it gonna cost?
who would find out?
the american "people"?
who's gonna tell'em.
what did they find out about the gulf war? one shot: one bomb, falling though the roof, building coulda been made of legos.
that's the general idea.
why not, what've they ever done for us? also: they sound.  ah, you see, this is why we have to mobilize the b-2 bomber.
shifty. who knows anything about em.
well, i'm gonna hold on, but you went to win this election, you better change the subject. you wanna change this subject, you better have a war. what do you need? it's gotta be quick, it's gotta be dramatic, you got to have an enemy. okay? what do you need in an enemy? somebody you fear. who do you fear? som'b'y you don't know.
well, i'm working on it.
yes.
what do you know about them?
precisely.
what did they ever do for us?
here's what you got to do: get your press office, right now. to deny; there is no report of albanian activity. they have to deny it. now, get the c.i.a.
well, i don't know, a lot of these early reports are inflated.
who understands human nature?
how can any of us know?
i'm sure that's the worst of it.
well, it ain't over til it's over.
how's he doing?
we have some mutual friends in washington.
i'm here, mr. moss, because you've shown yourself a great supporter of the party.
what one has to do, mr. moss. is to fight a holding action.
if we can hold the break-in-the-dam for ten days, til the election, we.
string a few together. all i need's eleven,
what do you think would hold it off?
i'm gonna tell you why.
here's the short course: fifty-four, forty or fight. what does that mean?
remember the maine.
tippecanoe and tyler, too!
we remember the slogans, we can't even remember the fucking wars. y'know why. cause it's show business. that's why i'm here. naked girl, covered in napalm. five marines raising the flag, mount suribachi. churchill, v for victory, y'remember the picture, fifty years from now, they'll have forgotten the war. gulf war? smart bomb, falling through the roof. 2500 missions a day, 100 days, one shot of one bomb. the american people bought that war. m'i getting through to you? war in the balkans, don't mean nothing, till some g.i. flyer, went down, eating snakes for ten days. n'then it's show business, mister moss. that's why i'm here.
it's like being a producer, mr. moss. the things in trouble. somebody's got to wade in, save the thing.
why not?
who?
"they got to know?" stan? get with it. who killed kennedy? i read the first draft of the warren report, said he was killed by a drunk driver. you watched the gulf war. what did you see? day after day, the one "smart bomb" falling into a building. the truth, i was in the building when they shot that shot, they shot it in a studio, falls church virginia, 1. 10th scale model of a building.
how the fuck do we know. you take my point?
it's not "war." it is a pageant. it's a pageant.  like the oscars.  why we came to you.
n'it's a crying shame. but you staged the oscars.
and if you never won an oscar, how'd you like an ambassadorship.
well, no, well, you couldn't tell any.
that's what it is.
it's miss america, n'you're bert parks.
because.
i'm sure they do.
"freedom."
who is this guy?
we don't need an act two.
we've just got to hold their interest for ten more days, till the election.
it's a teaser, absolutely right,
w. what?
"back end" .  count on it.
it's like that thing with the yellow ribbon.
the hostages?
in the yellow ribbon.
i gotta protect the canadian horder,
what is this?
young-albanian-girl-driven-from-her-home.
three-o-three.
we're locked into albania.
eh, trudy, could i talk to you for a moment? you know, this project is a.  "funny" kind of.
someone would come to your house and kill you.
we'll be back tonight.
waal, that's where you want em.
innit?
why is this putz on the air.
take a long view.
your guy gets four more years in washington.  . it's only nine more days.
what the hell's this all about, d'you think?
eight days to go
big bird touches down when?
anything at the airport?
a young albanian girl, dressed in their.
and carrying. the national flower of albania, something.  now is it some festival? some harvest festival, something.
got to be something. she gives him the sacred.  and tells him: this is the traditional harvest offering, given to the man who ties the first sheaf, the last sheaf, whatever the fuck it is.
stanley moss, ladeesngennlmen.  and she says.
but to the old world; you are stilling the forces of hatred and of war which have, since i was a child.
now, the old lady starts to weep, big bird shrugs off his secret service, goes to her, and covers her with his own coat.
how is big bird holding up, by the way?
knock on wood.
i dunno.  ambassador to togo, somethin', i dunno.  he.
yeah. what was i talking about?
we're gonna do the team song.
y'wanna follow the cattle drive? sleep in the winter. what does moss want? matchmaker comes to the levinsky family. mr. levinsky, mrs. levinsky, would you entertain an offer of marriage for your son saul, from princess margaret of great britain. well, they think, she isn't jewish, but she's well to-do, a nice old family. alright, yes, they say. we would consider such an offer. wonderful, matchmaker says, my job is half done.
stanley moss.
none of these are ours. none of em are ours.
feel free to talk to me.
i just missed my plane.
well, keep your wits about you, and let's see if we can't.
brazen-it-through.
(gestures at the tv, where we see trudy
my name is ronald brean.
nobody whose name you want me to say, mr. young, i promise you.
s'only got to hold for another few days.
what are you interested in?
well, i'm sure that speaks very well of you and for your parents. but if forced to choose between the security of the country and the security of your job, which would you pick. and, while you hesitate, permit me to suggest that they are one and the same. your country and your job.
i'm doing my job, too.
i have a question for you.
why do people go to war?
why do they go to war?
would you go to war to do that?
well, i have, too. would you do it again? in't that why you're here? i guess so. n'if you go to war again, who is it going to be against? your "ability to fight a two-ocean war" against who? sweden and togo? who you sitting here to go to war against? that time has passed. it's passed. it's over. the war of the future is nuclear terrorism. it is and it will be against a small group of dissidents who, unbeknownst, perhaps, to their own governments, have blah blah blah. and to go to that war, you've got to be prepared. you have to be alert, and the public has to be alert. cause that is the war of the future, and if you're not gearing up, to fight that war, eventually the axe will fall. n'you're gonna be out in the street.
the young girl in the video, the albanian girl.
she's running, it's some sacred.  some ancestral land, cloven by the brook named.  give it to moss,
thank you.
uh huh.
president's speech.
no, no, no, no, no after the airport.
he just got hip to us.
the war is over. senator nole just ended the war.
yep. well, we started it, he ended it.
the c.i.a.
those limp-dick .  turncoat.  i thought they let us out of there too easy.
i saw it on tv.
hello?
this is fantastic.
this's fantastic.
what're you gonna do with morse code?
yeah?
hello?
he can't respond to the allegations.
i think it's fine?
no, it's.
in the folk music section. we'll be in in.
this the guy.
where is he now?
we get our hands on him?
what's the thing with morse code.
who said, "i care not who writes a country's laws, so long as i can write its songs"? stanley moss, folks.
no, i'm telling you, this guy, this guy is aces, this guy is the kitty's sleepwear, this guy, they should of given him every oscar. every oscar. this is the.
tonight, you remember some song, from your folksong days, something about a good old shoe.
you're with him tonight, watching the president's speech, when the president.
lure him.
well, darlin' i ain't your confessor. tell him you've got some info on the president's sex scandal, it's on your conscience, believe me, he'll drop what he's doing. okay; now: folks, folks, folks, this is a shitty business, and it needs no ghost come from the grave to tell us that. but in six days, lord willing n'jesus tarries, i am going to take you beauties into the second term. . wait til you hear the speech tonight. the 3-0-3 speech.  where's the fad king, by the way.
when you.
hello.
what do you mean he won't do it?
first of all, we're locked in to it, secondly:
ronnie says we don't need'em for another four days.
how's your wife?
not bad for government work.
mmm.
mmm.
hey, our job ends at the finish line.
just for the symmetry of the thing?
if they can give kissenger the peace prize, i wouldn't be surprised to wake up and find i'd won the preakness.
yes, but there wasn't a war.
ya got to hand it to the fad king.
yeah, well, that's why we're flinging them away.
what about it?
well, well, well, well, wait a minute, we got 86 percent. we bring'em back tomorrow, the charts go up, they don't go down.
i don't wanna tell them their business, but why not wait to give it to him after the election. when he's gonna need some help.
king.
out in oklahoma.
inaugural speech, press corp's gonna be jealous of giving up that one.
hell of a ride, stanley.
i would be, i could remember how all the pieces move.
ain't that the truth.
what am i gonna do? i'm gonna "fade away."
we pick up schumann. sneak him back inside the beltway. and we plan his homecoming. zt's gone be neil armstrong, dr. livingston, and lindy. they're gonna forget, they're gonna forget, they're gonna forget that there is an election. the pres's gonna have to say, one of his speeches, "don't forget to vote"
medal. medal and ribbon.
the albanian campaign.
that's not bad at all.
napoleon said, fellow won't sell you his life, but he will trade it to you for a little piece of ribbon.
we were the albanian campaign, john -- we were there.
well, c'n we get him back home?
they should be. most valuable animal since sea biscuit. isn't he.
you've got something, there.
a masterpiece.
whaddaya think?
never quit a winner.
they insist they wanna go with meeting him at the airport. i told'em they're wrong, i can't convince'em. they're concerned that the last kid had the wheat. variations include, the kid is a boy, the kid is twins, it's a little dog .  they rub meat on schumann's cuff, the dog runs to him.
how ya doing?
yeah, well -- it's only one word difference.
yeah, captain, uh, yeah, captain, uh, y'better get us back to washington.
how are'ya.
wilfred.
all combat takes place at night, in the rain, and at the junction of four map segments.
speaking of that.
cause i don't think this dog is gonna hunt.
yeah, well, perhaps.
uh huh.
uh huh.
what kind of stuff?
"hush little baby, don't say a word. pappa's gonna buy you a mockingbird, if that mocking bird don't sing, poppa's gonna buy you a diamond ring"
kid complains, kid cries, gets more junk, junk don't work, kid cries, gets more junk. end of the song, house full of worthless junk, the kid's still crying. story of america.
i think we were experiencing a little technical difficulty.
news. like a wedding cake. tons and tons of sticky sugar, barbie and ken on top.
eh? i'm like the rest of america. i don't care -- i'm just addicted to it.
wake up.
courage, mom.
y'know what else bothers me? "shh lil baby, don' saya word, papa's gon buy you a mocking bird"
uh huh. why?
we have no home. we're vagrants. n'each man's hand's against us. we killed old shoe.
i'm tired.
he's supposed to be flying in from europe.
you can't tell this story.
some'b'y'll have you killed.
and what the fuck story are you gonna tell? the guy is a nutcase.
he raped a nun.
he's doped to the gills .
 and he spent the last twelve years in a milit&ry prison.
no, i'm fine.  i got it together.
you got a dime?
what about him?
well, what do you want to do about it?
they'll be here in ten minutes.
coffee?
hell of a show. hell of a job, stan.
naw, naw, we own the airways.
events.
no. you're right.
a proud tradition.
what're you doing?
no, i don't think you can do that.
no, i don't think you can do that, stanley.
stanley. stanley.  you knew the.  stanley.
no, the deal isn't changed. the deal isn't changed. you can't .  what is it? money? money? you want money?
but you always knew you couldn't take the credit.
stanley, no fooling.  no fooling.  you're playing with your life here.
stanley, you can't do this.