with a carrot in it.
do i know you?
and is it true?
you wouldn't be here if it wasn't true. it's true, right?
and you're here why?
party's gonna need more than a couple bucks now.
back where i come from they call this romeo in joliet. (he shakes his head, reaches onto a small table behind him, and picks up a
"for progress to occur, it is necessary for two generations to agree"
oh, jeez, this guy is fucked.
holding action. they're going to tear this guy to shreds.
yeah, hut you can't hold the dam. how the hell, n'nu'n', i don't get what you want me to .
i don't .  they're gonna tear this guy to shreds.
he's gotta come back sometime, what the hell is two days gonna buy him.
how close are you to this thing?
have him say, 'i know we're all concerned for the president, there will he an update at 5:45.'
well. you bought yourself one day. maybe two.
how you going to stretch it?
uh, nothing, oh, nothing .  uh.  a war, uh.  (he pauses, then looks at brean with
i'm a jew in show business. why come to me?
uh, it's a slogan. from, uh.
that's from the .  it's got to be from the.
uh .  no, that's.
why albania?
pat? pat?
throw this shit out. gemme a pot of coffee and a packet of camels.
but at some point they gotta know.
the.
is that true?
i never won an oscar.
yes. indeed i did.
hell, i'd just do it for the hell of having done it, for a story to tell.
hey, i know that, hey, i'm kidding.
yoha, yoha.  yoha.
they got to have something that we want.
what do we have that they want?
why would they want that?
no, no, no. fuck freedom. no. fuck freedom. they.  they want.  they want to destroy the godless satan of the united .  they want to destroy our way of life. okay, okay, okay, could we .  okay: the president is in china. he is dealing with a dispatch of the b-2 bomber to albania. why?
we've just found out they have the bomb. we've just found out they have the bomb, aaaand.  no, no wait a second, no, no, wait a second, no. the bomb's not.  it's not there -- because they'd have to have a rocket and that shit n'they're a buncha wogs-- it's .  it's a suitcase bomb. ooookay. it's a suitcase bomb, and it's .  in canada! eh? albanian terrorists have placed a suitcase bomb in canada, in an attempt to infiltrate the bomb into the usa.
i could tell you stories: cecil b. demille: alright? the greatest show on earth: he needs an elephant,
one minute: demille needs an elephant for a reshoot.
okay. okay. the suitcase bomb.
the suitcase bomb. act one albania denies it. president comes on the air, "be calm." okay, now: good. now, alright. act two.
no, he's back in nashville.
it's a teaser!
ten days.
there gonna be any money in this thing?
look, look, look, look, canada, okay? our neighbor to the north, alla sudden, transformed, into that place, where, like the north wind, terror comes.
what guards us against canada?
king, we've got to be on the streets in.
where are we on the image? grace? grace.
we own it?
and what? what? she was driven from her home, by albanian terrorists. it is her we are mobilizing to defend.  it is "she"?
can we give'er a kitten?
headshots. girls to play the girl in our footage.
too texan. go with the stick. thanks.
i believe in you.
john belushi.  jim belushi.
surest thing you know.
yeah, good good good good good. and they're so secret.
they have the capacity to meld into the woods, and.
the hats.
why a beret?
". the special detachment" good! what is it?
the men and women of detachment three-o-three, with their.
with their berets.
i don't think you're gonna need it.
they got the guys on a retainer, it's cheaper, pay'em, but don't lettem touch it.  let'em leave us alone.
what can it hurt is they offend me.
hey, you're getting the big bucks.
i didn't ask for a dog.
do it later.
you like it?
fine. good.
good morning, my name's stanley moss, i'll be your director this morning, what i'd like you to do, miss, what is your name.
"trudy," is, to start at that wall.
well, it's a little bit of a.
you have your agent check with the.
can we shoot one?
no, no, no.  we'll punch in a kitten. um.  later.
yes.
it gives us a wider option.
gonna be fine. gonna be fine, people? are we getting there?
could she be running across a bridge? she's running across a burning bridge.
no, i think.
no, i think it's .  can we see the calico kitten?
what is it?
at the airport? cause we decided at the airport he hugs the fat, wet albanian broad, we.
what?
the war ain't over.
the war ain't over til i say it's over. this is my picture. you think you're in a spot? you think this is a tight spot? try making the hunchback of notre dame when your three lead actors die, two weeks from the end of principal photography. this is.  this is.  this is just.
you got a guy, doesn't believe the war is.  no no no. an american serviceman.  a brave american serviceman, is left behind .  (he looks at the fad king, who is massaging his foot, having taken off
what do you got?
don't tune it too good.
it's too clean.
it's too clean.
it's got to sound like an acetate recording, 1930.
listen to what i've .  listen to.  does anybody know morse code?
we put your guy in a sweater.
"good old shoe -- " we put him in a sweater.
what'd ya think?
it's not too clean.
in the folk music section.
oh, he's gonna be aces.
they got him standing by.
oh, you're gonna love this:
hey, hey, i'm just the producer, i'm just the stationmaster, johnny green wrote that song, and.
my prop guy, had a guy out here.
what?
i need the president. five minutes of his time. eh? five.  "the speech is corny"??
don't tell me that the speech is too corny. your guy got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. i came to save him. i don't need this gig, i don't need the money, i don't need the tsuris .  i don't need it. he needs the gig. y'r gonna go to the goddamn doctor an exam, what've i got? he tells you you've got cancer, you tell him, "that's old hat, gimme something else"?
hi, how are ya? listen to this, willya.
"the speech won't work"
and see if you can keep your dick in your pants two more weeks, willya?
trump that, senator nole, you howdy doody vontz.
haven't had so much fun since live tv.
trump that, senator nole, you howdy-doody-looking vontz.
it's all, you know .  thinking ahead. thinking ahead. that's what producing is.
you do your job right, nobody should notice.
s'only when you fuck up, everything gets full of shit.
yes, but i, well, you know.
that's right.
well, yes, but the guy did bring peace.
all the greater accomplishment.
no, he's my hero.
he ain't seen nothin' yet.
going to make a little stop back home, pick up my shirts, show him a little treat.
tell'em to fly the inaugural speech past me.
hey, lemme close out the thing in style.
i've come to feel it's my thing.
isn't it?
no business like it.
fucking amateurs. pity of it is, two more days, we bring it all back home.
and who's gonna know?
izzat the thing.
i'll bet you're good at chess.
we'll gettim in their cars.
big mistake.
hey, lcokit: any business.
whattaya gonna do when this is all over?
i got it in the inaugural. "thank you for voting for me, but, as importantly: thank you for voting.
might, if i was asked.
but, you know, this is the meeting, ron? you think about it. this is the meeting. this, here. schumann and us. king kong and the trainers. this's it.  what are you working on?
of what?
like the sound of it, eh.
wilfred, that's not bad.
the albanian campaign.
well, they're protecting him well enough.
bigger than that. for want of a nail a kingdom was lost.
sergeant schumann? if i may? welcome to history.
let's fly, if it'll fly.  people waiting for us.
i thought they weren't meeting him at the airport.
i think we asked for "special programs" and they gave us "special prisons."
twelve years.
he raped a nun.
he's not fine.
yes, william, uh, we have this thing we're doing.
for the beans, yes.
he's fine, as long as he gets his medication.
you know, i think you people are looking at this all wrong. if you look at the backstory -- the guy's coming back from combat and torture. of course he is gonna be .  uh .  uh .  "fucked up". of course he's gonna "need a little help".
he's going to be fine, aren't you boy?
an anti-psychotic.
this is nothing, wait'll you've worked with a movie star, one time, this is nothing, we keep him shot-up and happy -- the old days, i used to think i was a pharmacist, the kind of stuff i had to do. one time.
mmm.
what happened?
how's our friend?
"courage. mom".
what the hell do we care?
how's our friend? what is he, "dead?"
is he dead?
no, i didn't think so.
come on.
come on.
get on your feet, boy.
we're going home. we're going home together.
come on, pal, come on willie, come on, old shoe.
he's not dead, ronnie. he's just a little understandab1y, fatigued.
that's right, we'll take a nap. we'll get you to washington, we'll get you back to your buddies, and.
come on, you fucking sissy, you think this is tough? try show-business. 1970-1990, n'ybody i worked with, y'could of bottled their piss n'sold it in the ghettos.
finish strong! are you nuts?
we'll deal with that when we come to it. this is producing. this is what they pay off on. come on, pal, boots and saddles.
shot down, forced down.  (he gestures, meaning, this is a minor
this is producing. this is, this is, this is the beauty part. you've got your fortune right here, and you were ready to throw it away. because he's got a problem? f'it was easy, anyone would do it.
why not?
ha ha. no, no, not now, not now, of course, but someday.  when they tell this story.
no, no, no.
you would be, two, if you'd gone through what he went through.
what he went through in albania.
how do we explain that? hey? am i worried?
fuck the world. try a ten a.m. pitch meeting, no sleep, coked-to-the-gills, and you haven't even read the material.
how do we explain that? ah, well, you see, wilfred, this is where you've never been at a pitch. you see? his records say he was in prison .  as they must, as all the records of group 303 have the men and the women, carried on their roster, as belonging somewhere else, the secrecy required of.
". unsure whether or not enemy action"
but.
how ya feeling, boy?
'bout ready to mix it up?
hiya.
how 'bout a cold drink?
okay .  it's time for the cavalry.
what rig?
pals:
get on the phone, have'em fly in a . whaddaya need to be a citizen? a judge? whaddaya need? a judge? call in a judge, call in a federal judge, and.  if you're concerned about him, being an "immigrant." make him a citizen.  eh? guys .  what's all this mopery, we.
oh, hell.
lemme talk to him. will? shoe?
'member, we were talking about how much you liked the "beans" and all?
naa, fuck this, this is nothing. oh, lord -- this just got big. i see it -- big -- big for you and big for me.
you're not thinking right, pal.
and what is bigger than a triumphal homecoming?
yes, please.
you see? what's the lesson here? never give up. never give up.
show must go on.
prouder of this, than anything i ever did in my life. i want to thank you, ron.
i'm looking for a phone.
watch me.
watch me.
deal's changed.
money? you think i did this for money? i did this for credit. credit, paalll.
that's one thing, but i'm not gonna let two dickheads from filmschool take it.  are you nuts? are you nuts?
fuck my life.  fuck my life.  z want the credit.  the credit. do you know what the new york times said about my last picture? they pissed on me. they pissed on me. do you know what that picture grossed? and now some limp-dick film school pansy.