but a lot of clichs get to be clichs because they're true. your life can change in the blink of an eye. what i mean is, one day you're a regular chump, a wannabe something. you're not even totally sure what you wannabe.
the next day the doorbell rings and some stranger's holding your ticket to being somebody.
it happens every day. dreams come true. and not just for those dim witted chain-smoking hillbillies you see on tv. you know, the ones who win the super lotto and spend their fortune on a truck full of goobers and a new set of front teeth. it could happen to any guy, any time. even me.
uh, that's not me. i'm over here.
you're disappointed, i know. i admit, i was hopeless back then. the 'do, the shades, ugh. but i always had good taste in women.
that's christy malone. head cheerleader, love of my life, lust of my loins.
look at that smile. that wink. that's no platonic wink. that's a wink that says, "i don't just want you, ted. i need you." so of course i had to ask her to the prom. i mean, she was practically begging for it.
i've been looking for you, too.
from your lips, to god's ears.
ladies first. i insist.
yeah?
yeah?
shut up! are you serious? of course i will. of course.
sorry about that. a cheap trick, i know. but it's my story and my fantasy. so cut me some slack.
you and your pep talks.
that's charlie. my best friend. he's into beef analogies, partly because he's a butcher's son, and partly because, well, he's just into beef analogies. what can i say? he's also a photographer.
a very gifted photographer.
the senior class voted him, "most likely to have a restraining order filed against him." but that's another story.
i genuinely think she wants me. i feel a vibe.
see? did you see that?
were you always this sick?
someday, i'll find out.
i defy your hamburger theory of life, and all of the unfulfilled hopes and dreams it represents.
i defy any and all limits.
any time, any day, a man can completely reinvent himself.
there's one more person you should meet. someone integral to my story.
that's julie conroy. unlike the rest of these losers, she didn't grow up in xenia, ohio. i just met her that day. but already, she had made a difference in my life.
merk's punishment was cruel. expulsion without appeal. or working for me on the school paper. the school paper would be torture for a gonzo reporter like julie and we both knew it. but what choice did she have?
that's just one example. my reporting has made a difference.
the school dumpsters used to overflow to the point where the stench was unbearable. my award winning expos changed all that. the city added an extra weekday trash pick-up.
look, i loved "exposed!" and i hate it that you got busted. i know the school paper sucks in comparison, but it's really not that bad.
christy's a very talented journalist. i see a pulitzer in her future.
me-ow.
i have absolutely no intention--
so you see, this is really about a triple-dog-dare. i don't even know what it means. i just know, unless it's a felony, a triple-dog-dare pretty much has to be met with immediate action.
uh, christy, i was wondering.
you like me. i like you. i guess it's pretty obvious to everyone.
but that smile.
so you'll think about it?
so that's a maybe?
in my dreams. of course. this is a dream. this is only a dream.
but you triple-dog-dared me.
there's gotta be more to life than meatloaf.
if i never eat another bite of meat loaf again, it'll be too soon.
why can't we have pot roast or stroganoff or even a little london broil? i mean, for god's sake, we own a grocery store!
what is this? does everybody know everything i'm about to say or do every freakin' minute of the day?
i don't have a shred of privacy in this whole stupid town!
it's my private business! mine!
i hate xenia! i hate my life!
and until that moment, this was the worst day of my seventeen and a half years. and then it happened. three, two, one.
whoa! sorry, mister.
i was in the middle of a melodramatic exit. it wouldn't really make a statement if i tiptoed out the door. what are you selling?
people pay good money for that?
oh no. no way. i've had all the bad news i can take for one day.
my parents? what do you mean?
you've got the wrong guy. the closest my parents have been to the amazon is the brazilian pavilion at epcot.
it's spring break. i don't want to go to a will reading.
what? having spring break ruined by will readings?
charlie, at a will reading? what did i do to deserve this?
dad, please.
remember how you struggled through that whole facts of life talk and then found out i knew more than you?
it was the year of the rhizopus rot. grandpa almost lost the farm. you sacrificed your dream to go to the prize hog festival. and in the end you saved the peaches and you didn't have to slaughter your sow.
sometimes you have to do stuff you don't want to do. it's all part of growing up. and it usually works out peachy in the end.
you guys are my parents.
they didn't want me when i was born. why should i care.
well, why should i?
i guess.
yeah.
i guess we could go to disneyland or something.
like one of those "national geographic" specials with the topless chicks?
i guess it's better than having tribal patterns carved in my face.
not the pit.
poor freud, turning in his grave.
nobody knows about your mental retardation.
nobody knows about your constant masturbation.
i think i'll reinvent a new best friend.
astronomical.
hi, i'm ted nelson.
well, dad said.
maybe he got promoted.
don't. touch. anything.
cut it out, before you break something!
we can't afford that!
wait a second, i thought we were hamburger guys.
nice. is that in the limo etiquette handbook, too?
you're on the next plane home.
i'm seventeen. i know it like the back of my hand.
perv.
uh, sure. uncle billy.
of course i like girls.
as much as possible.
seldom? no kidding?
ah, in other words, this is the apres-orgy salon?
be cool. fake it if you have to.
this isn't some 80's porno film, you dip shit. there are no wild sex orgies.
not ever. never.
i. uh. i think she's doing fine on her own.
you kiss your mother with that mouth?
so far away? in xenia?
i'm all right, mom. i'm not in siberia, you know.
yeah, i'm doing fine. i have so much to tell you. i don't even know where to begin.
it's okay, mom. trust me.
just say it, dad.
dad, let's just say i can buy anything i want in the whole bookstore. including the bookstore.
i better go, dad.
what is it now?
don't tell me. another vision of incomparable beauty?
i get it now. you and me. we're dead.
our plane crashed. in the grand canyon. a big fiery explosion. we never made it to l.a. they needed dental records to identify us. and this place. this. actually. is. heaven.
and some really fast cars.
it's a lot to digest. imagine how you'd feel.
i feel like i'm entering a forbidden tomb.
oh, how inappropriate is that!
how would you like it if i did that to your mother's panties?
give me those!
we were just--
yeah, he's probably been serving cocktails, so to speak, at the orgies.
i-i don't have the keys.
i don't have much experience with a. uh. stick.
got it.
i don't even know if i should be doing this. it's a very expensive car.
some of them have to be automatics.
i'm ted, by the way. i think i forgot to say that.
the one with the horses.
i almost didn't recognize you without. you know. that stallion between. your. uh. legs.
that sounded so much better in my head.
shopping, really? i should tell my friend.
hi ho, silver.
sorry, habit.
what do you mean? i'm ted nelson.
i always knew there was more. i felt it.
i'll take the whole case.
i like her.
tipping?
yeah. everything's cool.
just a couple of finishing touches. my parents always said you never get a second chance to make a good first impression.
truth is, i'm a little nervous.
all those people out there. it's a lot of pressure.
i do?
me? the king of coitus?
whoa. but. that's the thing.  i've never even actually.
the potentate of poon has arrived.
i was like a different person tonight.
i would have been laughed right out of xenia.
it's really going to be strange going home in a couple of days.
really? you'd do that for me?
you seem like you're anything but lazy, uncle billy.
my parents always say hard work builds character.
what kind of ideas?
you think we should be more open minded?
in other words, our scope is too narrow.
that's perfect.
who's your daddy?
i'm ted nelson. i guess you already know that part. for two years i've been the editor of the high school paper in xenia, ohio. i've won some awards, made a difference. i've always had journalism in my soul. now i know why.
they tell me i've got my father's taste in women and cars. the faster, the better.
and i'm really looking forward to the challenge of bringing "heaven" magazine into the 21st century.
well? surprised?
just a few tokens of my affection. i'll be back soon, don't worry.
mom. believe me. i could buy all that and the factories they came from.
only the best for my mother.
i'll make you very proud.
thanks, principal merkin.
yes, sir. i'll brace myself.
you think i ought to just tell them thanks but no thanks? i don't want your silly billion dollar empire?
are you kidding? this magazine is my dream. it's every red-blooded, heterosexual male's dream.
have you ever even looked at "heaven?"
i guess you won't be wanting that rolex i sent you, then?
yeah? you like?
it's so nice to have friends like you, christy.
your article sucked.
in the sense that there is no "hidden agenda" behind a bake sale that raised five hundred dollars for seeing eye dogs.
come on, julie. don't screw up. you have some real talent.
i'm trying to help.
that's not entirely true.
what do you want from me? i'm trying to be fair. but i can't keep you on staff if you turn every pta meeting into an agent orange cover up.
me?
really? you wanna write about me?
absolutely. heavenly.
finally, some gratitude.
you don't have to work another day in your lives.
don't you get it? in one day i earn more interest than the store's entire annual revenue.
you're free. you can do anything you ever wanted to do!
like take that trip to buckingham palace. go deep sea fishing in the gulf of mexico. now's your chance.
consider me your fairy godfather, except without the fairy part. no more mealy apples and bruised bananas, ever, for the rest of your lives.
forget the store. think big.
i have to admit, i always felt.  different.
i don't get the distinction.
i felt limited. i felt confined. i felt like i was suffocating.
i guess.
no thanks. i prefer my penis at room temperature.
you never know around here.
don't write that part.
write what you want. just try not to make it so obvious that you're crazy about me.
funny you should say "peachy."
my adoptive grandfather. who knows what my biological grandfather did.
considering this is your first time on a private jet, on which you are interviewing the world's most eligible bachelor, you are extremely cavalier.
see? you're impertinent, rude, sarcastic.
a little respect would be nice, that's all.
well? what do you think of her?
you're implying she's, what, a gold digger?
charlie's right. jealousy is so unattractive.
why can't you be nice to me?
well, jay. they've been exceptionally supportive.
i'm no stranger to the notion of philanthropy. andrew carnegie has long been one of my idols.
matter of fact, jay, my uncle and i are planning to rethink the magazine. to expand the traditional western notions of "beauty."
matter of fact, jay, i'm planning a pictorial focusing on the women of my hometown, "the girls of xenia." just to show my appreciation.
with all due respect to merk, he doesn't have to read my magazine. but he has no right to stop others. ever hear of the first amendment?
if that were true, this would be one seriously constipated town. most guys in xenia have been looking at naked girls in "heaven" since they were old enough to figure out their dads hide it under the mattress.
i wouldn't want to name names, mr. needleman, or cause any undue embarrassment. but many members of this community have been loyal "heaven" readers for the better part of the last two decades. not to mention certain charter subscribers who have developed a voracious appetite for our video library as well. i don't suppose, "courtney leaves the convent" rings a bell to anyone?
hello there. looking great. very nice.
sorry. ginger got a little, you know, enthusiastic.
it better not be my aunt trudy.
sorry to keep you waiting.
christy? you want to be in "heaven?"
i feel like i've just been hit by a mack truck.
really? so i'm doing ok?
my father must've been amazing.
it's okay. you need me?
no problem, consider it done. i had this idea of shooting on location. outdoors, you know? maybe at some famous xenia landmarks. you think that would be a problem?
i paid off the mortgage! i ordered that winnebago you always wanted! now you're ashamed of me?
i promised i'd finish high school and that's what i'm doing. what more do you want from me?
that is your dream, not mine. my dream is so far beyond anything you people could even imagine.
why don't you just admit what this is really all about? i'm not your real kid and you can't control me anymore.
no wonder i was so bored. no wonder i hated this one-horse cow town. i come from talented people who took chances and dared to imagine a life without limits! i was never meant to be raised by. grocers.
hmmm?
whatever you want.
wow. you clean up nice.
of course we were.
honestly, merk. it's like you were never seventeen and the head of a media empire.
come on, it's our only senior prom.
what's your price, merk? how much will it cost to make you go bye bye?
a statue in front of city hall, dedicated to principal dick merkin?
a new pediatric wing at the hospital? a presidential campaign? name it. anything.
what do you want me to do?
hang in there, i'll think of something.
i guess. i don't know. i guess we should leave if we're not wanted.
i thought i loved her.
everybody, listen up! this prom sucks! let's party at my place!
hell yes, all hundred and seventeen of 'em!
and while you're at it, i'll take ten dozen of those puppies with the springy heads.
you kicked us off your turf, merk. don't rain on our parade.
what law, merk? having fun? letting down our hair on prom night?
you called the cops on us?
where are we going?
i can't believe your dad built this for you.
whatever.
he cared enough to want you to have it.
i see.
now it makes sense, the whole neo bohemian, down with hypocrisy, fight the power crap. you're a poor little rich girl.
you think my dad would have been like that if i knew him? you think he would have bought me a stadium, instead of teaching me how to play ball?
i mean my father.
it's all so complicated.
i feel like i'm being drawn and quartered. like every part of me is being pushed and pulled and tugged in a different direction.
and then what?
you're amazing.
even when you infuriate me, i still want to kiss you.
if we were a team, we could do anything. i mean, anything.
in a word: merk. exposed.
there's gotta be something. we have to dig deeper.
he shut down your paper! you're stuck writing articles about swap meets and raffles and pta brunches!
then you won't mind covering that watermelon seed spitting contest next week.
i have a great idea. let's lose the last button.
get them together.
i never saw anybody turn so many shades of red.
it was incredible. the light, the crowd, everything.
seriously? i'm doing all right?
i owe it all to you. without your help i'd be lost.
yeah, well, like my grandpa used to say. you can't change your christmas past, but you sure can exchange your christmas presents.
i'd love to, but i really need to crack the books. final exams are coming up and i've been slacking.
thanks, uncle billy. thanks for everything.
james, what are you doing here?
sheryl petersen is, what, nine years old, what does she know?
it's really late. do your parents know where you are?
most places are, jimmy.
so, what brings you here at his hour?
very funny.
my room?
it's not up to me.
you can have it, then. i'm not going back there.
you want it in writing?
that's it? i mean, you don't want to order room service or anything? we could play games and watch movies and stuff.
are they okay?
i miss them, too.
you're a peach.
he was my grandfather, too.
that's a crappy thing to say.
i didn't forget.
loud and clear.
that's probably my office.
he's on the move?
let's do it.
i don't know. this place seems pretty tame.
at least it's not another 4-h meeting or a big brother barbecue.
look at us. it's one o'clock in the morning, on a school night. we're in a smoky nightclub, hoping to catch our principal with some big city tart.
that has more to do with your proximity to me.
i have a bit of a goosebump fetish. not many people know that.
shoes, if you want to know the truth. shoes are my thing.
my fantasy is a totally naked woman, wearing nothing but a timex and suede clogs.
what about you?
tell me more.
i see.
a portuguese boyfriend. sounds very "cosmo."
turned out to be a scoundrel, eh? i saw that one coming.
do you trust me, julie?
come on.
i want you to trust me.
julie, i'll tell you something that is the god's honest truth. i've seen a lot of really beautiful girls. i mean a lot. but none of them make me feel like you do.
but absolutely true.
we just found the ultimate centerfold for "the girls of xenia!"
i know, their small town mentality can be maddening.
aw julie, it's my job. it's like being a doctor.
you've seen one naked breast, you've seem them all.
you're quick. i like that.
the thing is, i made a commitment. i said i'd do it and i have to keep my word.
i do? i mean, yeah, i do.
do it?
i remember the first time you walked into mrs. temple's class in 2nd grade. blue gingham dress. blond ponytail.
that was code for "i like you."
i miss those days, when schoolyard sexual harassment was without consequence.
you have changed since second grade.
you expect me to think at a time like this? there isn't a drop of blood in my brain.
god help me.
you're doing just fine, christy. believe me.
come on, i was hamburger. you were porterhouse.
god, you are so hot.
i'm sorry, christy. i've been crazy about you forever, and this is definitely a page right out of my palm pilot, but i just can't go through with it.
wait, julie, wait!
at least let me explain!
please believe me. it was just a kiss for old time's sake. i've had a stupid crush on her since i was seven, but i never got closer to her than four feet and then there she was right in front of me, completely naked.
yes?
we wanted to challenge the notions of classic beauty. we wanted to showcase women throughout the world.
look, the girls of xenia are gorgeous, you'll see. next month we'll be back to normal.
it won't happen again. it will never happen again.
i always thought i wanted fame and fortune and beautiful women. but sometimes your dreams come true, and they cause you nothing but grief. i just want to chuck everything and sell the stupid magazine. it's not worth the pain.
you mean they knew who i was?
i wondered about them, for so many years. i wondered if i looked like them, acted like them. i wondered why they gave me up.
my legacy.
they're not my parents, helen. my parents are back in xenia and i hurt them very much.
and the girl i love, she hates "heaven." if i keep it, she'll never respect me.
everything i am is because of you. can you ever forgive me?
shut your pie hole, jimmy.
i need your help. i'm really in deep shit.
--peaches! canned peaches!
my job. back off, benedict.
the only man i called "dad" owns a little grocery store in xenia, ohio. he learned a lot of cool stuff from my grandpa, who was a peach farmer in his day. grandpa knew the right thing to say in every situation, and it usually involved peaches. my dad's a lot like him. and he taught me, you have to focus on the peachy side of life, not the pits.
there was a time when canned peaches were the hottest, greatest thing ever invented. it was like a little taste of summer, anytime you wanted. grocery stores couldn't keep them in stock, they were so popular. and even though other canned fruits like pears, plums, and pineapples have come along, people still need to know they can get their canned peaches, on the same shelf, whenever they want them. it's comforting, you know? it fulfills their expectations.
you're probably wondering if there's a point to all this and i guess it's just that i goofed last month. i not only moved the canned peaches, i restocked the shelves with kiwi, guava, and mandarin oranges in heavy syrup. i challenged people's expectations. and you can't do that to your customers. so, i ask you for one more chance to fix things and give our readers back their canned peaches.
thanks for teaching me an important lesson. what makes a family is love, not blood.
that's right. and guess who's the new king of the unemployment line.
"one can only hope that ted nelson will find bigger and better dreams upon which to set his sights as the years pass. and that he will remember, always, where he came from."
great.
except the girl. the only one that really mattered.
julie, wow. i was afraid you left. i was afraid i'd never see you again.
i decided to let helen run the magazine. i need to go to college, learn a few things, you know.
and i thought maybe i'd take up boating. i've always wanted to be a "coxswain."
the thing is, i'll need a first mate.
julie, you were right. all the naked girls in the world mean nothing. it's the one you want to cover up with your coat that you really love.
i graduated from college. did great, summa cum laude and all. and i'm about to launch a brand new magazine called "exposed!" an homage to miss julie conroy of xenia, ohio.
yellow pages?
they're playing our song. dare i ask for this dance?
so, as you can guess, everybody pretty much lived happily ever after. my parents didn't give up the grocery store.
but they did manage to sneak away for a second honeymoon.
merk's appearance in "heaven" turned out to be a good thing. he was spotted by a talent scout.
and went on a european summer tour, fulfilling his lifelong dream. naturally he brought poochie, the only girl he ever really loved.
after graduation, charlie moved to utah.
where he married all three of the identical taylor triplets. let's just say, they've been very busy.
and even uncle billy landed on his feet.
and now if you'll excuse me, i think i'll get back to being the coxswain on the ship of life.