i'm so terribly sorry. am i too late?
every morsel of it?
smashing! welcome to the family, ted. you are going to breathe some new life into this place. you are going to set the world on fire! you are going to. call me uncle billy? please?
i have only one concern.
you do like girls, don't you?
a lot? i mean, a whole lot?
you're sure?
that's my boy!
the parties are held in here when the weather dips below seventy. which is seldom.
the orgies, exactly. take a deep breath. you can smell it. pure sexuality, oozing from the walls.
this is a fun place. but we don't usually come here until after the orgies.
indeed it is. during the day, visitors prefer to be outside, au naturel. as it were.
hello, girls! have you met ted?
good advice, ted. you have your father's instincts.
just remember, you're not the man you were a day ago. and these girls, let's just say they'd be eager to please you.
never say never.
maybe she needs help, ted. you should be a gentleman.
every one of these women thinks she should be the next angel of the month. it's your job, ted, to decide which of them is right.
if it isn't straight by now, son, you probably should see a doctor.
we don't generally feature blow-up dolls in our magazine. but hey, if you think there's a market for it.
you think she upgraded?
we don't allow tipn, ted.
there you are, ted-baby. everything all right?
you ready for your big coming out party? everybody's dying to meet you.
they said that? really? oh, your parents. the nelson's. right, right. how midwest. i like that.
you? nervous? why on earth should you be nervous?
huh! you laugh in the face of pressure!
you are a multi-media magnate. the tycoon of tits. the baron of bottoms.
you're the sultan of semen. the monarch of masturbation. the merchant prince of lust. you. ted. are the king of coitus.
the supreme sovereign of sexuality.
why, look who's here.
i told you you could do it.
you were the new and improved you.
no one will be laughing at you now, ted. you can take that to the bank.
you are home. but go ahead, finish school, do what you feel you need to do. in the meantime, i'll be your point person here on the magazine.
i've been very lazy for a long, long time.
i never finished school myself. never had to. my brother built this empire from nothing but his wife's perky tits and a whole lot of gumption. he gave me a cushy job on a silver platter. i never struggled for a second.
it's not like i didn't have ideas, i had plenty of ideas. but i never even shared them with your father. never had the guts.
well. for one thing. i think it's despicable that we exclude so many women that only fit our western notion of "classic beauty."
the world is a big, beautiful place. we can open new markets in africa and asia. imagine the dali lhama reading our magazine.
at our press conference tomorrow, i think we should announce our plans to explore the world. not just a few leggy 36d's, with blond hair upstairs and down.
my brilliant, extraordinary nephew, ted nelson, has brought enough fresh blood to this company to make all of transylvania happy for the next fifty or sixty years. i'll give him the mike now and you'll see what i mean. this apple didn't fall far from the tree.
don't forget to tell them all your qualifications.
you do look smashing.
so far, so good. some of them have real angel potential.
he was in a league of his own.
you're the titan of tushies, the general of jism. don't you forget it, ted-baby.
i can't wait to see the pictures.
such enthusiasm. have i told you lately how proud i am of you?
you're taking this bull of an empire by the horns, but you're still keeping your small town values. you're not letting all this "stuff" spoil you.
i wish i knew you years ago, when my brother was alive. i wish he never gave you up.
why don't you come to town this weekend? we could play some golf, chase some skirts.
you're right. i should work, too. our first issue together is almost ready to print.
you're a great kid. don't you forget it.
we've got a huge problem with the magazine, ted-baby. our readers hate it. hate it. we need to talk.
it was nothing more than beginner's folly. tell everyone to lighten up.
the kid came up with something that sounded good on paper. who knew our readers wouldn't dig it?
sometimes young people need to make their own mistakes. that's how they learn.
ladies, gentlemen. "heaven" has gone to hell.
i loved my brother. i stood by his wishes to let his son run the company. a son he never knew. a son that he and his wife gave away at birth. a son who was raised in a world quite different from our own. nevertheless, i was there for the lad. i guided him as best i could. but he's only seventeen, with a mind of his own and judgment that is, well, frankly, not a chip off the old block. there is only one clear solution.  and i think we all know what that is--
what are you doing?
all is fair in "heaven," ted-baby.
aw, come on, kid. throw me a bone. i'm your uncle for gosh sakes.