he was blowin' his lines, all right. so what?
yeah, that'd be a riot.
only there's no business like it, no business i know.
one too many safes dropped on his head?
so what do you want me to do?
i don't work in toontown.
the job's gonna cost you a hundred bucks.
so's the job.
aren't you the lucky one.
as soon as is humanly possible.
damn toons.
hops off his freeloader's seat on the back,
thanks for the cigarettes.
takes the note and walks back across the street toward the terminal. he climbs up a flight of stairs, heading for a bar on the mezzanine. the bar sports a red neon sign that used to blink, "the terminal station bar". but now it just says, "terminal".
enters this den, lets his eyes adjust for a moment, then bellies up to the bar. he finds a spot between a one-armed black soldier and a midget stretched out on the bar passed out. now a trolley rumbles underneath them. the bar starts to shake like an earthquake, the lights flicker. all the drinkers, observing a time honored ritual, lift their glasses simultaneously to avoid spilling any drops. even the midget lifts his head until the trolley has passed. valiant reaches over the bar and blind-grabs a bottle of rye he obviously knows is there. he pours himself a shot.
hey, fellas, what's the good word?
well, you know what they say about dames, augie.
would this be the same dame who's going to feel awfully foolish when she finds out i've got her money.
you'll have it in the morning. now be a sport and lemme have twenty bucks to put in my pocket.
check the scrawl.
get this straight, greaseball. i'm not workin' for a toon! i'd never work for a toon! got that?
walt sent me.
like your monkey suit.
he lights a cigarette impassively, not humored by the toon hijinx. he spots an empty table off to the side and makes his way towards it. a silly geezer in a loud suit is at the next table. the geezer nods to him soberly as valiant pulls out the chair and sits down. a loud flatulence sound erupts from under valiant. the geezer slaps his thigh with the hilarity of it all.
scotch.
just as long as there's no maximum.
that's it for you, pops!
well, why don't you make like the ink?
wish i could say the same. what're you doin' here, betty?
yeah, you still got it, betty. who's mr. jocularity?
shoulda guessed.
big on the musical comedy, huh?
who're you callin' chump, chimp?
ooga-booga.
jesus christ.
baker's man.  but no use ruinin' a good pair of shoes over it.
well, you better start thinkin' about drinkin' it black.
oh, yeah. good lookin' guy like him. dames'll be breakin' his door down.
son-of-a-bitch.  mr. maroon, i think i'll be goin' now, so about the rest of my fee.
my advice? hop on over to reno, get yourself a quickie divorce.
at least he took it well.
lieutenant santino.  how ya doin'?
that's what you woke me up for?
just haven't been this close to toontown for awhile.
what a gasser.
makes you wonder what in the world she was doin' with a guy who didn't clean his fingernails.
peels a piece of it off.  it chips and falls to the ground. he squats to examine it.
it's not blood, it's paint.
he's not my client. i was workin' for r.k. maroon.
hey, pal, do i look like a stenographer?
men? they look more like weasles to me.
why would he contact me? i just took some lousy pictures.
have you tried walla walla? kokomo's very nice this time of year.
where'd this gargoyle come from anyway?
what's with the dip?
jesus.
what are you complaining about? here's your fifty bucks.
what's with earl?
no kiddin'? bought the red cars, huh?
here's to the pencil pushers. may they all get lead poisoning.
i know, i know.  poor s.o.b.
i don't wanna think. i wanna drink.
i know who you are. kinda out of your neighborhood, aren't you?
you mean the rabbit? they got him cold.
my problem is i come here to drink in peace. so if you don't mind.
thanks for the vote of confidence.
so where is it then?
stick to stuffin' the olives, willya, dolores?
yeah? does he wear pants this color?
my next move? that's easy. i'm gettin' up, and i'm walkin' out the door, and i'm goin' home to bed.
he's a toon.  who cares?
still with his back to roger, sits down exhaustedly on the bed and kicks off his shoes. he lies back and pulls the covers over him. he closes his eyes, rolls over to get comfortable. now he and roger are nose-to-nose. they both open their eyes at the same time. they freak.
aah!
what the hell are you doin'?
so i hear. even talkin' to you could get me a rap for aiding and abetting.
oh, yeah? then how'd you find my house?
in other words, the whole goddamn world knows you're here! out! get out!
look, pal, if you're still here when i finish this drink, i'm callin' the police.
if you're so innocent, why'd you run?
that's it.
the goddamn will.
get away from that window.
for starters.  don't ever kiss me.
i'll talk to 'em. find a place to hide.
not in there. that's the first place they'll look.
you idiot. i lost the key for those cuffs.
hey! what do you think you're doin'?
don't ever forget that.
this way, goof.
hurry, hurry.
dolores, meet roger rabbit.
the toon fairy left him under my pillow.
oh, yeah? well, you're not handcuffed to him. anybody in the back room?
i oughta have my head examined. will you hold still?
yeah, that's better.
you mean to tell me you coulda taken your hand outta that cuff at any time?
are you always this funny, or only on days when you're wanted for murder?
yeah.  well you just might get your wish.
if i can find whoever wanted to kill acme bad enough to get this.
yeah. i think maroon plays the part of the sound mind, your wife the sound body.
your wife may be a lot of things, pal, but innocent isn't one of them.
maybe baby herman was right. somebody wants acme's property. cack the old man, pin it on roger, and destroy the will.
yeah. except they screwed up. i don't think they got the will.
well, acme had the will in his pocket that night at the club. it was gone in the morning when the cops found the body.
then why'd they bother to crack the safe? you can drop a mosler 90 from mount baldy and it won't open.
because he's not forty feet tall. the safe was up on the ceiling, remember?
yeah, do that. i'm gonna go rattle maroon's cage.
nothin', no one, nowhere,
this'll be fine, huh, augie?
forget about the prices, pal. if you want the shrimp cocktail, you have a shrimp cocktail. excuse me, augie, i've got a little table-hopping to do.
hi, mr. maroon. remember me?
i just thought i'd drop by and show you a photograph.
yeah, but i enlarged this one. thought you might be interested.
anyway.  enjoy your lunch.
how is that, augie, pretty good?
it's me. valiant says there's a will. i don't know what he's trying to pull.
somebody's gonna have to take care of him.
the old man had it at the club that night. that's right. yeah, i'm sure. i'll be there.
where?
iris.  cancel my appointments this afternoon. i'll be at forest lawn.
you did great, augie. have another shrimp cocktail.
love that red car.
smiles and leans in. this is the moment he's been waiting for. now just as the conversation begins, it is drowned out by the noise from a lawn mower. valiant turns to see a gardener riding around on a small tractor cutting the grass. valiant tries to flag him down as he watches maroon and jessica having an arguement. there's accusatory finger pointing. in pantomime, maroon gestures into his pocket as if describing the position of acme's will.
not anymore.
girl's gotta protect herself.
stands, pleased. he opens the blue folder. but it's empty. valiant puts it in his inside pocket and turns to go when suddenly an unseen hand flicks the lights off.
son of a bitch.
ask her.
look, doll, if i wanted underwear, i woulda broken into frederick's of hollywood. i was lookin' for marvin acme's will.
he had a will, all right. she took it off acme the night she and r.k. maroon knocked him off. then she set up her loving husband to take the fall.
i found the cover the will came in behind the dressing table.
they must've taken it off me.
the other people who were in here lookin' for the will. i woulda caught 'em if cheetah here hadn't interrupted me.
downtown? fine. get a hold of santino, i'd be more than glad to talk to him.
you're not takin' me to downtown toontown?
i ain't tellin' you nothin'! get me santino.
no.  you bastards! leggo of me!
earl.  it's me, valiant.
toon cops worked me over.
what am i, earl?
no.
not much. it's hard to talk.
kid, if you hit me on the head, i'm gonna throw you out this window.
dammit!
that's because i don't have a doorbell.
okay, you've seen me. now give me a towel.
come on, lady, haven't you ever seen a mole before?
no? i guess we're not counting lying, stealing and murder.
yeah, i'll bet you would. you gotta have the rabbit to make the scam work.
oh, sure. i can just feature you standin' outside your little hutch, holdin' a carrot cake waitin' for hubby to come home.
yeah, well, you don't know how hard it is bein' a man looking at a woman looking the way you do.
i'm not complainin'. but give me credit. i'm the guy who took the pictures of you and acme playin' pattycake, remember?
so altruistic.
cause i don't take acme dumb pills. i don't know what you're up to, lady, but i'm gonna nail you for the acme murder.
this cup of turpentine right here. go for that gun in your purse and i'm gonna let you have it.
dolores.
that was the rabbit's wife.
probably lookin' for a good place to stick a knife.
maroon, right?
what the hell would they want with a gag factory?
what's that comin' from the bar?
oh, no.
why, you crazy toon.  i've been out there riskin' my neck for you. i come back here and you're singin' and dancin'.
and when they're done laughin' , they're gonna call the cops. that guy angelo would rat on you for a nickel!
an arsonist and a kidnapper. he just got outta prison.
just because you got 'em to laugh?
i think i prefer the smith and wesson variety.
well, right now it's gonna be your funereal.
you're driving me crazy, you know that? let's go.  you ruined this as a hiding place.
must be my cologne.  eau dc carrot.
you know, doom, i don't know who's toonier, you or the rabbit.
i don't think it's gonna matter. sorry, pal, i tried.
hey, doesn't the rabbit even get a last request?
i think you want a drink. how about it, judge?
yeah? well, don't expect the toons to give you a gold watch.
here you go, kid.  say hi to casper for me.
drink it, jerk. all of it.
if i'm so smart, how come i'm runnin' from the law with a toon?
what do i do?
hard to imagine.
grab it, you idiot!
the brakes! the brakes!
thanks, benny.
sticks his key in the door and unlocks it. roger studies the banner.
my brother. get inside.
we can't do anything till it's dark.
me.
what is this, twenty questions?
i'm gonna get some sleep. i suggest you do the same.
startled from his sleep, reflexively shoves roger away from him. he flies into a swivel chair and goes spinning around.
you damn toon! no wonder they picked you for the patsy. always gotta play the fool. you make me sick!
you wanna know? well, since you're so goddamn curious, i'll tell ya. one of you toons killed my brother.
yeah, a toon. it was the guy who killed bambi's mother.
yeah, everybody thought so. but me and teddy got a kick out of toons. all toons. we couldn't see the bad in 'em. and when this guy was accused of knockin' over the first national bank of toontown, we took his case. but when we looked into it, we found out he did do it after all. we went to his house to take him in. but he was wise. he got the drop on us.  literally.
piano. guy got away, disappeared into toontown. nobody ever saw him again.
get away from there.
no, it's not.
dolores?
i'll bet.
what've i got to lose? you okay, dolores?
that'll work out just fine. when this thing is over, i'll take you to catalina. how does that sound?
he clicks the switchhook and dials.
maroon? whaddaya want?
maybe. why?
stop what?
that's why i'll be there at 8:45.
forget it.
how much is a shave and a haircut, roger?
i rest my case.
if i don't make it back here by ten.
 i'd head for cucamonga.
steady, r.k., that stuff's eighteen years old.
that was the idea.
you're not too good at this, are you, r.k.?
well, everybody needs a hobby.
no, i don't.
take it easy.
sees a reflection of the gun on the glass on a movie poster on the wall. he turns. but it's too late. bang! bang! bang! maroon crumples, caught mid-sentence. valiant dives behind the desk and draws his gun. he looks over at maroon's dead body on the floor.
and the home of the brave?
grabs his black bag, climbs out of the office window and jumps off the fire escape to the lot below.
slams on his brakes. the packard goes fishtailing, finally spinning to a stop at the foot of the "toontown" sign.
picks the gun up and hefts it respectfully. then he opens an ammo section in the wooden box. six toon .38 dum-dum bullets are in velvet creases. the toon bullets blink to life as if awakening from a long sleep.
uh-huh.
drunk.
feelin' frisky tonight, boys?
watches as a cut glass chandelier falls out of the sky and crashes at his feet. valiant holsters his weapon and climbs into the packard. he puts it in gear and pulls into the tunnel.
i hate toontown.
what the hell are you doin' in there?
i'm making sure you don't help me anymore.
well.  i always figured i'd get it in toontown.
you shot roger.
lady, i guess i had you pegged wrong.
why didn't you tell me?
we're even. by the way, i did find your husband.
he's right here in the.
 car.
how did you get onto doom?
so where is it?
a joker to the end.
lemme guess where you got that from. tell me somethin', what'd you ever see in that guy anyway?
well, do you prefer to die this way or that way?
benny.
i don't see any bridge.
hold on a second.
climbs back into benny. the roadster takes off again, making a skidding left turn onto the main drag. as they make their break into the toontown tunnel.
the pot's callin' the kettle maniacal.
so you're cloverleaf?
turns his attention from the brick wall back to doom.
come on, doom. what would a company like that want with toontown?
don't you think anyone's gonna notice that toontown's gone?
what the hell's a freeway?
that's what this is all about? tell me, who's gonna use your lousy freeway? we got the red cars, the best public transportation in the country.
real good, rog.  but maybe you better let me take over.
hey!
before you pull the trigger, i want you to know somethin' about the guy you're about to dip.
'his name is roger rabbit he's got a crazy habit'
'he likes to sing and dance and yuk so brighten up and smile you schmuck'
'now my name's eddie v i'm looney too you'll see'
'i walk with my hands and i shake with my feet'
'i think dynamite is swell to eat'.
hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
hitches a ride on the last ascending weasle spirit, letting it hoist him to the top of the truck. as he moves the weasle body off the trigger.
turns to see doom stick his flattened thumb in his mouth. he blows, re-inflating himself. his glasses crack and fall off. then his prosthetic eyeballs pop out. his teeth shatter and fall out of his mouth like china. underneath his latex mask we can see his toon mouth and evil red toon eyes.
holy shit, he's a toon!
not really. only a toon could think of something as goofy as that freeway idea.
you?
lowers roger and jessica to the ground. we hear police sirens approach. when valiant unties them, jessica turns and exclaims.
hi-ho, the doom is dead.
doom.
that was the murderer of herman acme, maroon.  and my brother.
that's not blood. that's ink. that goof acme squirted me with some the other day. why it's comin' 'through now, i don't know.
yeah.
say roger, remember that love letter you wrote your wife at the ink & paint club?
i think you oughta read it to her.
keep reading.
no, kid, you're a real hero.
why not?
by the way, roger, you were right about your wife. she's a good lady. i'm glad you got her back.
only time will tell.
pretty good cigar. where'd you get it?