good. you're going to be my little doggy. and when i say 'speak,' you tell me everything i want to know. understood?
all right, little doggy. sit up. now tell me who's in the sack next door. is it the scientist, dr. escobar? speak!
speak words, dumb doggy! tell me the name of the man you kidnapped him for.
watch the swirling spiral! lie down, bad dog!
looks can be deceivin'.  dark stranger. i am perfectly fine.
leave him right there.
let's go, hudson.  hands!
thank.  you.
i'm no lady! i'm a u.s. marshal! you get out of my way!
sir, in perilous times like these, i was simply illustrating how someone impersonating you could actually walk right into the very bowels of the white house.
marzipan, isn't it?
sir, west's obsession aside, mcgrath may be a vicious killer, but a mastermind he is not. so whom do we seek? after consulting with intelligence.
ah, so that would mean you rely on .  stupidity?
i call it the bi-axle nitro- combust.
avant!!!
thanks for dropping in.
as a matter of clarification, this isn't needlepoint. this is.
right now, i'm putting the final touches on a new invention of my creation. i call it.  the impermeable. it's a vest that, when worn under the clothing, can stop any modern bullet fired even at close range.
but it hasn't been really tested empirically yet.
guns. i find them so primitive and unnecessary.  if one has done one's proper planning.
i must tell you, mr. west, i've always felt that allowing a situation to degenerate into physical violence is a failure on my part.
i'm sorry, mr. west, you brought this on yourself.
i love this train!
the president asked for my suggestions on how to make the wanderer both comfortable and functional.
and while you're down there, you may want to avail yourself of my sub-carriage inter-rail egressor.
perhaps the president was right about us putting aside our petty differences. (recites above the
that's my veal reduction sauce!
shall we let professor morton decide?
meet professor thaddeus morton, expert in the field of metallurgy .  discovered in a field of alfalfa. kidnapped from m.i.t. six months ago.
 and this magnetic collar was around it when his body was discovered. haven't figured that one out yet.
according to the retinal terminus theory.  a dying person's last conscious image is burned into the back of the eyeball like a photograph. perhaps there's a clue there.
morton's last image!
ah. the refraction of the lenses causes the image to appear upside down. we simply.
he seems to have something in his pocket.  too fuzzy to read, though.
mortification of the aqueous humor seems to have led to the loss of.
how about this? you could come as my man servant?
how about this? you could come as my man servant.
i have a horse costume. you could be the head.
okay, if you insist on carrying a firearm, i have something i think you'll find intriguing.
and it would go nicely with this.
then what's your plan?
an armed, negro cowboy costume, how creative. in a room full of white southerners, you oughtta fit right in. you might even win first prize!
listen to me. the art of disguise is what's going to get us into that party, thus allowing us to find these kidnapped scientists before they're forced to create something that will destroy this great country.
now you and i are the chosen ones, jim. we're under direct orders from the president himself. and our mission is clear: save our country. our freedom is at stake and this is our duty as men. now, you go as a riverboat captain and i'll be a saloon girl.
but i was propositioned by three men.
these are a work of art. scientifically and aesthetically perfect.
touch them.
what, are you afraid you're wrong? touch my breasts.
not so rough. the buckwheat'll come out.
what are you doing?
whoa.
very nice.
you win. i'm hard.
i was just going to jot down a thought.
but then, where would i keep my notepad.
peeking through the keyhole? so 18th century.
howdy there.  big sturdy gal. yer dance card full?
i feel as if we know each other from someplace?
ma'am, please! while i realize i look like something straight out of james fenimore cooper.  i mean you no harm. my name is artemus gordon. and you look like you're in trouble.
looking for some missing scientists.  not that i'm complaining.
i'm a special u.s. marshal on assignment from the president.
too late. the 'dungeon' is cleaned out. it was the first place i checked, right after i sampled the gumbo. bit heavy on the okra.
one doesn't forget a smile like that. now where in the world was it? have you ever played the empire room.  the bijou cafe perhaps?
hey-yaa!!!
meet my trigger-happy partner, james west.  who doesn't seem to realize that my carefully planned diversion gave me the opportunity to search for the missing scientists.
this is rita. i found her locked in a cage in loveless's bedroom. she's an entertainer.
professor escobar?! he was the one i almost rescued that night when.  that's where i know you from! fat-can candy's.  you sang before i did.
that was me. burgundy dress with the bustle.
it came up out of the lake.  from the way these corpses are positioned, laid down a 360-degree pattern of cannon fire.  then disappeared in moments. my god, what kind of weapon is it?
you saw it?
what survivors? there aren't any here.
i don't see why we couldn't have given her a ride back home to texas. it is on the way.
we wouldn't have known where loveless was going if it wasn't for her. seems a bit ungracious. possibly perilous.
funny that you say that. because i thought she was more interested in me.
you know, i've been trying to place myself in loveless's shoes.
ha, ha, ha.  you know, i can't imagine what loveless -- a man without any reproductive organs could possibly want with rita.
not that rita doesn't have a figure that would inspire a botticelli.  or a raphael.
 especially her breasts. did you notice the way one of them.  both of them actually.  to say nothing of her buttocks.
 and the group of foreign ministers at loveless's party.  what were they doing there?
here's france, spain and britain.  how long has she been here?
i am so embarrassed.
by all means.
well, in a daubiere.  a clay pot. a french method which.
the louisiana purchase?
queen isabella of spain.
i assure you, rita, an attack by loveless would be an exercise in futility. .  allow me to demonstrate how my design suggestions have made the wanderer impervious to attack.
hardly. completely armor- plated.
an attacker would find the lighting inside extremely.  unflattering.
and if, by some inconceivable fluke, they did manage to gain entrance.  an innocent billiard ball this way. but depress the number.  a sleeping gas bomb. effective in under three seconds.
so rest assured, rita.  you are completely safe within these walls.
a bedside heater.
rita. she needs a bedside heater. i mean, it gets cold in there, you know, with the stained glass window right over the --
such a pleasant girl. a real breath of fresh ass.
did i? no.
stay back here, take cover!
i took the liberty of installing it while you were sleeping.
jim, we're the ones chasing loveless, correct? then perhaps you could explain what they're doing behind us.
i taught him how it worked.
that's not a good one to wish for.
rita, no! it's just.
don't move!
what have you done with rita?
'gentlemen, welcome to the loveless experimental camp for political dissidents. there are no guards. no barbed wire. as long as you stay within the designated perimeter, you will stay alive.'
wait, i have an auxiliary tool kit!
oh, really?
head for that gully!
are you crazy?! do you see what's down there?
forget it. i'm not doing it.
oh shit!
i just remembered.  i can't swim!
excuse me?
oh. oh, i see. now i'm the master of.  'mechanical stuff.' as opposed to five minutes ago, when i was trying to collect my thoughts and figure out a way to get us out of these contraptions! but no!
-- that wouldn't have been any fun for a certain somebody, and i won't mention any names -- jim west! -- who decided to take me on a bracing romp through a cornfield and play a fanciful game of hide and seek with serrated, spinning death discs, while our only mode of transportation is in the hands of a sadistic madman with weapons of mass destruction, who kidnapped rita, and is on his way to kill our president and take over the country!
no! because i'm the 'master of mechanical stuff!' and i have to help you! because you're the 'master of stupid stuff!'
you want to get that collar off? fine! let's do it the fun, jim west way! let's bash it with a rock!
oh, but i do.
that's odd. what did you do?
no, you must've reversed the polarity of the magnets.
are you all right?
apologies, apologies.
don't worry.
you're going to run as fast as you can one way and i'm going to run as fast as i can the other? ingenious.
i'm trying, you son of a !
yourself!
we're going to have to discuss bathroom etiquette soon. very soon.
aha. my auxiliary tool kit. i forgot all about it. it must've slipped out of my pocket.
because that, my friend, would be uncomfortable.
i did tell you, but in your zeal to run and leap off a two-hundred- foot cliff, i don't think you heard me.
'.  take physic, pomp; expose thyself to feel what wretches feel, that thou mayst shake the superflux to them, and show the heavens more just.'
what?!
well, truth be told, i never had a fancy education -- not a formal one, anyway.
this ring? this ring isn't real. do you want it?
a prop. i'm an actor. or was. i gave it up. i went by the name of arthur gordon. ever hear of me?
the pinnacle of my life in the theater came in a production of our american cousin -- a light comedy -- at ford's theater in washington. there was this one line i had.  always got the biggest laugh in the show. one night, it drowned out the gunshot that killed president lincoln. i decided to devote my talents to making sure that never happened again.
uh.  there's a spider on your hand. doesn't that bother you?
how come you know so much about the desert, anyway?
now i'm really hungry. how did your parents, who i assume were negroes, feel about you being raised by indians?
did you ever see your family again?
i'll help you get him, jim.
you have no idea where you're going, do you?
while a magneto of this power may not inspire your scientific curiosity, it does mine. besides, you never know when it might come in handy.
well i think our partnership is taking a big step forward. you finally admitted i was right about something.
now.  how about admitting you were lost?
jim, i know i've hallucinated it several times before, so is that really the wanderer?
and would it be too much to hope that i'm simply seeing a world's fair down there.  ?
now that's impressive.
we'll see about that. the fool doesn't even realize he's trapped.
yes.  i know how to ride a horse. when the situation calls for something primitive.
i was just thinking about another spider. remember in the desert, when that little wasp killed the tarantula?
exactly!
in 1540, leonardo da vinci invented a flying machine called the 'ornithopter.' though he never actually flew it.
you know him, sir.
i'm by your side, sir. that's what's important.
don't worry, i'm wearing the impermeable.
if i may have one request.  it's that she aim at my heart.  which has loved this great country so much!
great.
i have a dress like that.
not to sound ungrateful, but you're a little over the top.
let me warn you about that dress.
was that the eight ball?
that one's an incendiary bomb.
c'mon we gotta go! we gotta ride horse! something!
now bernoulli's principle states that the air flowing over a bird's wings.  is moving at a lower pressure than the pressure below the wing.  that's called 'lift.' course, it's just a theory.  it's never been tested.
coleman! must you smoke when handling explosives!
we're not getting enough lift! we need more speed!
yes, i do know.
it worked? it worked!!
yeee-haaa!
i think i'll call it.
no, air.  gordon.
you can't just 'go down there.' flight depends on lift, which must be calibrated to the angle of descent.
i don't think he thought it would ever work, so he didn't get that far. i'm open to suggestions.
sorry about that, sir. nose up, flaps down. have to remember that next time.
uh, jim, i think a polite 'no' would suffice.
stop this violence!
stop or i'll shoot!
if i have to. yes.
not exactly.
uh, just out of curiosity, sir.  who's agent no. 1?
but, sir.  what about our train?
ravishing, a vision.
or better still, come with me to washington. i could introduce you to people i still know in the theater.
what's that, jim?
that's easy for you to say. she didn't walk off with your best dress.
	116:
wild wild west - rev. 4. 9. 99 2.
wild wild west - rev. 4. 9. 99 4.
wild wild west - rev. 4. 9. 99 4b.
the wild wild west - rev. 6. 15. 98 21.
the wild wild west - rev. 6. 15. 98 21a.
wild wild west - rev. 4. 9. 99 31.
wild wild west - rev. 4. 9. 99 32.
wild wild west - rev. 4. 9. 99 33.
wild wild west - rev. 4. 9. 99 33a.
wild wild west - rev. 4. 9. 99 33b.
wild wild west - rev. 4. 9. 99 45.
the wild wild west - rev. 6. 15. 98 46.
wild wild west - rev. 4. 9. 99 47.
wild wild west - rev. 4. 9. 99 47a.
the wild wild west - rev. 6. 15. 98 49.
the wild wild west - rev. 6. 15. 98 50.
wild wild west - rev. 4. 9. 99 54.
the wild wild west - rev. 6. 15. 98 57.
the wild wild west - rev. 6. 15. 98 58.
the wild wild west - rev. 6. 15. 98 60.
wild wild west - rev. 4. 9. 99 65.
rita leaves.
wild wild west - rev. 4. 9. 99 66.
the wild wild west - rev. 6. 15. 98 68.
wild wild west - rev. 4. 9. 99 79.
wild wild west - rev. 4. 9. 97 79b.
wild wild west - rev. 4. 9. 99 79c.
wild wild west - rev. 4. 9. 99 79d.
wild wild west - rev. 4. 9. 97 79e.
wild wild west - rev. 09. 03. 98 80.
wild wild west - rev. 09. 03. 98 80a.
wild wild west - rev. 09. 03. 98 81. 82.
the wild wild west - rev. 8. 28. 98 83.
the wild wild west - rev. 8. 28. 98 84.
the wild wild west - rev. 8. 28. 98 85.
the wild wild west - rev. 7. 1. 98 100.
the wild wild west - rev. 7. 1. 98 101.
wild wild west - rev. 4. 9. 99 109a.
wild wild west - rev. 4. 9. 99 109b.
wild wild west - rev. 4. 9. 99 109c.
wild wild west - rev. 4. 9. 99 109d.
wild wild west - rev. 4. 9. 99 109e.
wild wild west - rev. 4. 9. 99 110.
wild wild west - rev. 10. 7. 98 112.
the wild wild west - rev. 7. 1. 98 113.
wild wild west - rev. 4. 9. 99 114.
wild wild west - rev. 4. 9. 99 114b.
wild wild west - rev. 4. 9. 97 114c.
the wild wild west - rev. 7. 1. 98 115a.