oh, dear.
so miss lippenreider informs me. still, i believe good manners dictate we should send out.
 the welcome wagon.
don't you just hate that song?
why, y'all look like you've seen a ghost! it's me, dear friends, alive and kicking! well, alive, anyway.
we may've lost the war, but heaven knows.  we haven't lost our sense of humor!
not even when we've lost a lung.  a spleen.  a bladder.  two legs.  thirty-five feet of small intestine and our ability to reproduce.  all in the name of the south.  .  do we lose our sense of humor.
i owe a deep debt of gratitude to my friends across the sea for their comfort and.  succor.
so! mi casa es su casa! ma maison est a vous! let the party begin!!!
mr. west, how nice of you to join us tonight.  and add color to these monochromatic proceedings.
miss east informs me that you were expecting to meet general mcgrath here. i knew him years ago.  but haven't seen him in a coon's age.
perhaps the lovely miss east will keep you from being a slave to your disappointment.
your men will have their weapons tonight. and my promise that they will be part of the greatest military victory of this century!
and so you shall. have your men here at.  10 o'clock tonight.
well, general, it's been a long journey from new liberty.
yes, and so do i. so do i. if i'd only had the scientific understanding of gunpowder and primers that i have today.
oh, you mean the stomach-churning carnage that earned you your unfortunate nom de guerre.
what was that nickname again?
my dear general, after donating half my physical being creating a weapon capable of doing this.  how did you and general lee repay my loyalty? you surrendered at appomattox! so, who betrayed whom?
munitia, make note. turret speed needs to be accelerated!
 we're going to need more loading drills! i'm hearing too much time between screams.
general, i understand your distress. but believe me, those men are not dying senselessly. it is for a far greater cause than you can imagine.
after you.  sir.
bloodbath mcgrath indeed.
well, that concludes the festivities. ladies, feed him to the crabs.
but, my friends, that tank is just a little ol' toy compared to what this country's greatest scientists are cooking up for me next. so if i've piqued your interest, bring 1000 kilograms of your country's gold to spider canyon four days from now. now if you'll excuse me, i've got a tank to catch.
my destination is both the future.  and the past! forget paul revere, this will be the most revolutionary ride in the history of america!!
if you don't want to miss the ride, have the last payment of 1000 kilograms of your country's gold in my hands no later than friday. that's when i make our little proposal to president grant. one i'm ever so confident he's gonna accept. au revoir, adios, and ta-ta!
amazonia, shall we disabuse our friends of the notion that one's problems are solved when we see the light at the end of the tunnel!
as do i, munitia.  as do i. fire away!
close the fire door!
continue, miss lippenreider.
oh, munitia.  i hope we're not going to leave evidence behind like we did last time.
good morning, gentlemen! i trust you slept well.
rita, is it? how familiar! rita is sleeping off the after-effects in the stateroom. quite lovely, isn't she? who knows.  i might even become 'familiar' with her myself.
yes, mr. west, i'm sure a well- endowed blackamoor like yourself must find it absolutely impossible.  that a freak like me could fully enjoy the pleasure of a woman. but having witnessed my use of mechinology so far.  wouldn't you think i could provide myself with something for the lower half of my body that was hard-pumping and indefatigably steely?
 and speaking of 'hard pumping' mr. coleman, full steam ahead!
what a marvelous train! you don't mind if i borrow it, do you, gentlemen?
other than a lack of wheelchair access, i find it a most comfortable way to pass the long miles from here to my laboratory in spider canyon.  i'll be seeing president grant soon at promontory point. what shall i tell him for you? i'm afraid it can't be that you're alive and well.
rita, my dear, not that i'm ungrateful to providence for bringing you back to me.
 i'm just a wee bit curious as to how you managed to wind up with them.
isn't that a coincidence? i miss me, too.
well, isn't this a coincidence! i'm out for a little mornin' ride, and right in the middle of nowhere, i bump into general ulysses s. grant himself! we've never been properly introduced. i'm dr. arliss loveless, formerly with the confederate army.
i have a humble abode nearby, and i hope you'll accept my hospitality. i have a little proposition to make.
the unconditional and immediate surrender of the united states of america to the loveless alliance.
how about now?
now just who are you?
take them both!!!
bonjour, buenas tardes and good day! great glorious day! a day of healing for the wrongs that have been done to us all!
 oh, how long have we waited!
 1776, wasn't it, old bean? most expensive cup o' tea in history!
manhattan for a handful of beads? how? remember the alamo indeed! today i'm proud to be able to sit before you and tell you the wrongs will be righted.  the past made present.  the united, divided!
great britain gets back the thirteen original colonies.  minus manhattan. florida and the fountain of youth go back to spain! texas, new mexico, california, arizona revolve a mexico! and the louisiana purchase reverts back to the king of france!
and a tiny piece for me to retire on.
my partner nations insist that we make this as legal as possible. personally, i like the symmetry of it. after all wasn't it you who made us sign a surrender at appomattox?
well, sir, we're at loggerheads then, aren't we? and i suppose the threat of death to someone with your valorous war record, would mean nothing.
 so, if you still refuse to sign this surrender.  we'll start by shooting your man, gordon.
shoot him in the head.
a new girl! what a nice surprise!
ebonia! why are you so cruel to me?
kill him! him! him! the girl!
it's not the first time y'all have been burned in america.
mr. president, i'll ask you once again. sign the surrender or i decimate this town!
i find the sound of people screaming while they get blown to smithereens, ruins the ear for music. don't you?
commence firing!
well, mr. president. have you had enough yet? would you like to sign the surrender or shall we set a course for denver? wichita? washington, perhaps?
don't be too sure.
i'm through with diplomacy.  take him away and kill him!
munitia! munitia!!!
gentlemen, i am truly impressed by your effort and ingenuity. why not swear an oath of loyalty to me.  and forego your executions.
lippenreider, take over the controls. we may not have a woodshed on board, but that boy is gonna get a whoopin' anyway!
you're obviously not a poker player, mr. west.
two pair always beats a pair.
now.  was it someone particularly close to you who perished in that military action?
hmmm. well, that hit a nerve.
a mother, perhaps? a father?
it feels so good to stretch my legs.
i likes to beat my feet on the mississippi mud!
you expect to kill me with that little pea shooter?
why is it, that i'm unafraid? i believe you gentlemen are the polar opposites of a moral dilemma and i'm stuck in the middle. on one end, we have mr. west, a man of primitive vigours uncomplicated by intellect. and on the other, there's mr. gordon. a man of ideas, but unlike myself, lacks the passion to kill for them. he'd like to be able to act his way out of it. and for some reason when he's actin', someone always seems to get killed.
i'm right about you, aren't i, gordon? and that's why i'm gonna kill your friend here. then i'm going to kill you.
after all that, you missed.
please, west.  show a little mercy to a poor defenseless cripple.
after i kill ya, i swear i'm gonna boil you down to axle grease!
well, i'll be a monkey's uncle. how did we arrive in this dark situation?
and i'm so cotton-pickin' afraid of heights. they just give me the spooks!
mister west, i'm gonna cut this conversation short.
mister west!!! i am faced with a difficult decision here. on one hand, there is the overwhelming love that i have for myself, and on the other, the raw, seething hatred i have for you! now, i could kill you very easily, just by pulling this lever.
but, of course, i would die along with you. i guess the only thing that i can take comfort in is the hope that you would hit those rocks a second before me and i could enjoy immeasurable bliss before i vanish. what to do, what to do.
why is it that i have a sneaking suspicion, that although you are as black as the night on the outside.  inside, you are yellow?!
you don't have it in you, do you.  boy?!
weeeeeeeeeest!!!!