'the young girl sat perfectly still in the confessional.
listening to her father's boots scrape like chalk on the ancient steps of the church, then grow faint, then disappear altogether.'
all right. let's try to keep it constructive, shall we? howard, what about you?
that's not exactly what i meant by constructive, howard.
yes, hannah?
well put, hannah. and a good note to end on, i think. don't forget about wordfest this weekend. and remember: those of you driving v.i.p.s to tonight's cocktail party need to have them at the chancellor's house no later than 5:30.
thanks for that. he all right?
me? sure. why?
chancellor.
i got the message you called too.
how are you, crabtree?
the more the merrier.
i sweat blood for five years and he checks for spelling.
emily?
oh. we're picking her up. downtown.
lay off pittsburgh. it's one of the great cities.
she's a transvestite.
she's still a transvestite.
isn't she?
it's fine. it's done. basically. i'm just sort of. . tinkering with it.
i don't know. i'm sort of at a critical. . . juncture .
i just mean. . .
that would be a tuba.
that perfume you're wearing, antonia. it wouldn't happen to be cristaile, would it?
lucky guess.
it was jerry nathan's. he owed me money.
he said something about being between things.
hi, tanya. this is tanya. my wife's secretary.
you're leaking, tanya.
she left me. crabs.
this morning. i found a note in the kitchen.
i thought maybe i made it all up.
it's mrs. gaskell's. her hobby.
piss off, crabs. i lost a wife today.
easy there.
he's still barking at me. he's blind.
i need to talk to you.
i don't believe i know where the upstairs guest room is.
new?
all right. this morning--
well. this is. surprising. does walter.  ?
emily left me this morning.
she's left the room before. she always came back.
simple.
hm.
if she's not now, terry will make sure she is by the end of the evening.
yes.
no. maybe. i don't know. i don't know what i'm going to do.
sara, my arm. i'm stuck, honey.
ask him if he's conflicted about his house in the hamptons.
q,. hannah's had two stories published in the paris review. you'd best dust off the 'a' material for her.
hello, nathan.
no wonder it's still in print.
james?
it's very convincing.
you carry firearms.
are you and hannah seeing each other, james ?
relax, james. i'm not her father. i just rent her a room.
maybe it's because she's beautiful and she knows it and try as she might to not let that screw her up, it's inevitable that it will in some way.
you're not like my other students, james. so what was the movie you two saw?
she went crazy, frances farmer.
sounds like a good one.
listen, james, about this afternoon. in workshop. i'm sorry. i think i let things get a bit out of control.
well.
really? that's remarkable.
you cold, james?
so what are you doing out here?
you're right.
heaven?
james. don't leave just yet. there's something i think you ought to see.
this is worth it.
he's going with me. you take crabtree. and his friend. all right?
the answer's yes. i think. yes. i don't know. where are they exactly?
james. this is my editor, terry crabtree.
that's really it.
so i'm told.
go ahead.
really.
like the lady herself.
i guess. walter never tells sara the truth about how much he pays for these things.
pretty good. i'm friends with dr. gaskell, too.
right.
we, better skedaddle. close that closet-- james? you ail right?
maybe. i'm feeling a little sad myself tonight.
yes. well. it's complicated, james. i think we should go now.
okay. easy now. eee-zy. . . .
jesus!
get off of me, you son-of-a-bitch!
shit, james. you shoe dr. gaskell's dog.
couldn't you've just pulled him off me?
okay, okay. take it easy. don't freak out on me.
he's dead, james. believe me, i know a dead dog when i see one.
first you're going to give me that little cap gun of yours.
yea, james.
i don't know. i'm still trying to figure out how to tell the chancellor i murdered her husband's dog.
trust me, james, when the family pet's been assassinated, the owner doesn't want to hear one of her students was the triggerman.
i've got tenure.
okay.
that's just what they used to say in the ads. come on, crabtree, i know you're holding.
miss sloviak's.
she is. ah. here we go.
most of the time he is, james. some of the time he isn't. now what do we have here?
looks like . our old friend mr. codeine. that should take the pinch out of my ankle. have one.
right. that's why you were standing in the chancellor's back yard twirling that little cap gun of yours tonight. you're fine, all right, you're fit as a fucking fiddle.
i'm sorry, james. i'm sorry i said that.
how 'bout we try that again.
i'll be right back.
is the thing-is it over?
nothing. i think i twisted my--
i have to tell you something. something.  .hard.
well.
no, really, sara, i don't think you--
i don't think i really have a choice in, that. emily left me.
not have it.
well, no, i don't see any way. and i know how hard it is for you to-- to lose this chance.
it's-it's a souvenir. of baltimore.
caps.
you got me.
i love you, too.
is he ail right?
i'm your man.
there's an explanation.
james is. . i don't know.
i'm not sure that's possible.
listen, antonia--
tony. i'm sorry if things didn't work out so well for you tonight. with terry.
he's writing his name in water.
like most editors, he really wants to be a writer, but he's too busy living a novel to bother writing one.
he'd call it habit. but now. . i get the feeling he's going through the motions a bit.
jesus. is that what he told you?
that'' s nice. all we have is a japanese beetle trap.
i'd better go. i think i may have to rescue james leer.
as a whistle.
double dickel on the rocks.
is that just beer?
i'm sure. where is everyone?
jesus. he's out.
i know. he started it fall semester.
no. not yet he isn't.
come on. crabs. don't do this. he's . one o my students, for christ sake. i'm not even sure if he's-
i think it's more complicated than that. besides, he's a little. scattered. he almost . did something stupid tonight. at least, i think so. anyway, he doesn't need sexual confusion thrown into the stew right now.
thanks.
shut up and drink.
president of the james brown hair club for men.
he's a boxer. a flyweight.
not curtis.
and now he's addicted to painkillers.
he lives with his mother.
groom. named claudell. and his mother blames vernon for his death.
he heard everything we were saying.
i thank you.
i hope that isn't true. we need all the downy innocents we can get.
do?
are you holding me up or am i dragging you down?
look, hannah. when you get him home . make sure he's ail right. before you leave. okay?
hannah, are you telling me you don't know where james leer lives?
that strikes me as odd.
what's he saying?
hh-uh. last time i saw it was.
shit. he must've left it back at thaw. in the auditorium.
i don't think it really matters, hannah. we could probably stand him up in the garage with the snow shovels at this point.
ail right. in my office.
excuse me?
it's mine.
you must be mistaken.
go home to your mother, vernon.
all right, what's the matter?
christ, crabs, what do you expect me to do? the kid's practically in a coma.
yes.
what's this guy's problem?
shit.
now what?
i just had my car jumped on.
wait here. i'll be right back.
i hope it wasn't my fault.
oh.  .yeah.
i don't know. it might be.
christ, traxler. how the hell should i know?
oh, right. yeah, that's true. he used to rub ail kinds of things on it. paprika. ground lamb.
no, my wife's out of town.
her husband.
taking the long way home.
you're welcome.
james i
i'm okay. i just lost my balance.
oh.
huh? oh, no. this isn't emily's. i just write in it.
there is, but it's not that interesting.
sure.
who?
what'd he say?
what'd you tell him?
good, james. if the zodiac killer calls, be sure to mention the back door pops open with a couple hard shakes to the right.
afraid so.
i think it's sort of writing itself at this point.
but . . . ?
washed up?
ah. i don't believe in writer's block.
if-you 're planning on staying for breakfast, i'd put on something a little less comfortable if i were you.
hm.
no one seems to know where you live, james. hannah thought you'd like my couch.
well, james, you did shoot the head of the english department's dog and steal his most prized piece of memorabilia.
do yourself a favor, james . hide.
well, there's always people you don't know at these things, but i can't say there was anybody particularly suspicious. . wait. there was one guy. tiny fella. claimed to be a jockey.
horses, right. vernon something.  hardpple
i could be wrong. what happened anyway?
that's weird.
the perpetrator.
just kidding.
i might have his number on campus.
oh. well. i.
hello?
could you hold on a minute, honey?
how 'bout we get the hell out of here?
you start her up.
well done, james.
where exactly do you live, james?
apparently not even hannah green has a clue as to the location of your apartment.
i guess there's probably a story behind that.
so where have you been staying?
but james. i mean. . how long?
jesus, james, you should've told someone.
i don't know.  me.
hm.
you better ease off that stuff, james. it's pretty acidic.
shit, james, you're hungover. what do you think's the matter with you?
totally. i'm sorry. a lot was happening this morning. can you talk?
i-heard.
a twelve-year-old policeman came by the house this morning.
really? that was fast.
oh. right. ha. listen, about last night. there is something i need to tell.
hub? oh, well, that's part of what i need to .
no. i mean. well, actually, yes. sort of. i don't remember. listen, sara, i have to tell you something.
really, sara, i.
i know that. i know what's at stake here.
about the baby.
james leer.
i'm sort of helping him work through some issues.
yeah, well, actually. . .
don't be proud, james. we're in sewickley heights. we could find you a nice golf course to barf on.
your aunt ?
maybe.
glaucoma?
jesus, james. wow.
where's that?
carvel? where's carvel?
i never heard of it.
your father worked in a mannequin factory?
what kind of dancer? .
james leer, are you telling me your mother was a stripper?
didn't you say your mom went to catholic school?
amazing.
kinship.
unless i miss my bet. my wife.
that's right. that one.
how can you tell?
smoke the rest of that joint, james, and you can start on the box.
she came here. we'll just wait. in the meantime, i need you to shimmy through.
relax. emily hasn't carried a house key since she was twelve years old. and your hips are as slim as hers.
oh. right. well, let's try not to think about that.
i know. it's the house you want to wake up in on christmas morning. make yourself at home. i'll be right back.
yes, i' m looking for the chancellor.  i don't know. she should be in the main hall . thank you.
cups a hand over his ear.
sara? hi. it's grady.
i'm in kinship. listen, sara, there's some things we need to talk about.
yes. but that's not why i called.
what? no'. there's no one here. i'm just . just.
james! for christ sake, will you turn that thing down!
look, sara. . i'm not here. . i'm not here to
no. sara, you don't understand.
yea?
mom. dad.
yes. he's a good kid. maybe a little messed up.
what made you pull out that old thing?
and?
maybe i should read it.
where's emily, hank?
i'm not going to stalk her. hank. i just. . want to know where i stand.
l-just want to say i'm sorry.
neurologist? why? what's wrong?
oh. right. linda . i haven't been doing a lot of sleeping lately. my editor's in town and i have the book to finish and--
listen, hank, i'm sorry about ail this. i didn't come here to upset you and irene. i want you to know that.
i -just wanted to see her, i guess-- emily. and to see you too-you and irene. and to let everyone know that, even though it may be difficult to comprehend now, this-everything that's happening-it's not forever. it doesn't mean "goodbye."
i'm really happy for you, james. but do me a favor, will you? lay off my dope. that stuff's not for amateurs.
i just wanted a little sip? tell me, james, exactly what point was it that you turned into serpent boy?
jesus.  look, james, you appear to possess-like many an aspiring writer before you, by the way-a rather ardent affinity for the stuff of which dreams are made. however, i 'think it's best if, for the moment at least . we abstain.
what?
it wasn't her dog. it's her husband's-- who said anything about girlfriend?
okay, james, i wish you hadn't shot my girlfriend's dog. even though poe and i weren't exactly what you'd call simpatico, that's no reason for him to take two in the chest. still, the fact remains that i'm the one who took you up into the chancellor's bedroom. i'm the one who has to take the blame. i- don't know what the hell i was thinking.
thanks for the halo, james, but i've . never done that much thinking ahead in my" life-ever.
i -don' t know, james . i don' t know why i do half the things i do. who does? why do you wear that coat?
james, fall semester, first day of class, it was 95 degrees and you were wearing the coat.
that's why they all give you such a hard time in workshop.
because you act like a goddamn spook all the time. not to mention the fact that every last one of them is jealous of you.
not you. your talent.
the hell i am.
i never said that.
i didn't mean it that way.
shut up, james. you're annoying. carrie and howard don't know what the fuck they're talking about, okay? the entire class combined- including the lovely hannah green-has about one tenth of one percent the talent you have, okay?
who cares what-. i said last night, james i i was drunk, i was stoned. i'd been bitten by a dog. my wife had left me. how 'bout cutting me some slack?
and don't be so goddamn sensitive. who cares what anybody thinks anyway? you want to .be a good writer? you want to be-a great writer? then stop giving a damn what other people think. most of them haven't thought in .years.
let me spell it .out for you, james. books don't mean anything. not to anybody. not anymore.
well, for that, if nothing else, james, i'm sorry.
in a minute. get us a table.
c-a-r-v-e-i. that's right, carvel. yes, i'm sure. it's outside scranton.
you have no listing. okay, well, lady-- at this very moment, as we speak, i'm looking of a resident of carvel, pennsylvania. i think he'd be pretty interested to learn that the good people of bell atlantic have misplaced his entire hometown. it's not like i'm making this up as i go along--
no thanks.
spells? jesus, james, you make it sound like we're in a tennessee williams play. i don't have spells.
i don't know. 'episodes.'
i eat.
when nobody's looking.
you just worry about yourself, james. okay?
nowhere. you just sit here and.  eat.
grady.
looks like i've dashed a-wonderful evening.
ah. well, that's ail right. james and i 'had a little dinner.
that's not necessary. i just felt. . it might be good for james to be with his family this weekend.
well. let me go get him.
james. listen. things-things are a little weird with me right now and i-- well--i have enough blame to shoulder these days without having to take the blame if something bad happened to you. and if you hang around me long enough, something bad is going to happen, trust me. that's why i need you to go home. understand?
james, like it or not, they're your parents.
i remember that. five or six years ago.
near carvel?
james, come on. that man is obviously your father. you look just like him.
get out of here.
in the crawl space, with the rats and the casks of amontillado. come on. up.
take care of him.
hey!
crabtree.
hey.
no, it's okay. i just can't believe i left it out in the open like that. crabtree hasn't been in here, has he? poking around?
listen, hannah. you don't remember where that aunt worked, do you? james' aunt.
actually, he's not the chancellor' s--what?
jesus.
crabtree? he doesn't even know james.
the aunt, hannah. where did you take james that day?
but where? i need the street.
shit.
listen, hannah, i'm flattered, really, but right now i--
you stay there.
gee, i don't know. crabs. i don't seem to remember you actually asking me if you could invite 200 people over to trash my living room.
think, hannah. does james have any friends. i mean, besides you and. . me?
nothing, he's just been sort of, i don't know.  .kidnapped.
his parents.
good idea. crabs. only one problem. i don't know where they live.
it's a little late to call admissions.
maybe . i don't know.
love. it's love facade--and what do you mean 'based on what you've read'? you skimmed two chapters at 80 miles an hour while gargling methamphetamines.
only in your bones?
how bad is it for you?
which is?
what's to tell?
me too.
this is it.
i told you. they keep him chained in the basement. come on.
i can't believe you made fun of my robe.
oh, christ, don't start on ol' gran or we'll leave you here.
ah, wear whatever you want.
so sensitive.
it's just ail that crap he spins out. just once i'd like to know if the little bastard is telling the truth.
yes? 'his heart'
no.
i've got something better than a teddy bear.
sweet dreams, jimmy.
crabtree.
nothing.
how are you--is it joe?
don't sweat it. well. 'night, jeff.
no.
it's cool, jeff. really.
walter?
it's grady, walter.
grady tripp. english department.
i have . eight-fifteen. that's not right, is it?
this is important.
i'm in love with your wife.
sara. i'm in love with her.
no.
sara.
oh?
i'm sorry, sara. i've been trying to tell you. it's all my-
inside.
over there. in the backseat of the.
honestly. someone stole my car. i parked it right there last night.
of course, i'm sure. ah, christ, the puberty police are back.
is he awake?
nevertheless. there's a police officer standing on the porch and i don't think he's going away.
thank you, frankie and annette.
and we both thank you for that, but we're.  we're.  fine.
shut up, james.
there is no problem. did i say there was a problem?
who do you think it is?
evidently. coming!
it's walter's dog and yes, she does. know. but let's spare her the details. come on, your shoes are in the hail.
great. between you and officer pupcik out there he can be the next jean genet. it's been awhile since somebody wrote a good book in jail.
don't worry, james, i'll figure something out.
i'm a little worried, james.
well, let's see if we can keep that from happening.
yes, james.
would walter really press charges?
i think i might have.
i think i might've said i was in love with you.
and what did you say?
find the jacket.
first i see if hannah will let me borrow her car.
hey, jeff. if you're really interested in discussing that business with the tango, try the guy at the end of the hall.
he cribbed that from borges.
right. anyway, i was wondering if i could borrow your car. mine's sort of out of commission.
that good, hub?
hh huh. well, thanks for the thought, but, as shocking as this may sound, i'm not the first writer to sip a little weed. and furthermore, it might interest you to know that one book i wrote, as you say, 'under the influence, ' happened to win a little something called the pen award which, by the way, i accepted 'under the influence. '
don't touch it.
only now i'm starting to think the car wasn't exactly jerry's to give.
my guess-vernon hardapple.
he said a few things that lead me to believe the car's his.
'that's my car, motherfucker.'
we find the jacket.
no wonder he screwed us over.
call it a hunch.
it's good to know i'm still talented at something. keep the motor running.
oola.
i never forget an oola.
vernon.
who's got a gun?
relax, vernon.
not true. you're the only vernon i know. actually, i'm wrong. i once knew a vernon peabody at penguin u.k.
it's just a souvenir. they don't even make the caps anymore.
no, really.
a manhattan book editor murdering a mormon girl's clutch.
no! don't shoot! he's just a lousy driver.
oh.  my.  god!
i have an alternate version of the first chapter.
that was maccaulay.
he was never able to reproduce them.
kind of a sign, you're saying.
i don't think so. in my experience, signs are usually a lot more subtle.
'fraid so.
ail right, all right it's done. there's no need to talk about it. it's done.
i don't know.
i couldn't stop.
hey, vernon. can i ask you a question?
boy or girl?
right. well, thanks. for the lift.
sure.
it used to belong to marilyn monroe. she had small shoulders, like you. most people don't know that.
came to my senses. crabtree
walter gaskell isn't going to send james leer to jail, crabs. i know that.
no. but i don't think that matters.
nobody teaches a writer anything. you tell them what you know. you tell them to find their voice and stick with it, because that's all you have in the end. you tell the ones who have it to keep at it and you tell the ones who don't to keep at it, too. because that's the only way to get where you're going. of course, it helps if you know where you want to go. maybe that's the only thing--that and sara-- that's made the last seven years worthwhile.
gee, i don't know, crabs.  improvise. you're good at that.
you peeked, didn't you?
you're not just trying to make me feel better?
well, thanks for that, crabs.
sara!
thanks, q. i felt the same way about the bank teller's breasts in your last one.
no.
jeff. he comes from a long line of tango dancers.
take a bow, james!
sara!
yo, traxler.
do you get high, sam?
as a heart attack.
looking for you.
i passed out.
i've been doing that a lot lately.
do you think that's why i've been having these.  .  spells?
the last month maybe.
spiro t. agnew was vice president, i believe.
i've been trying to finish a book.
is that in my chart?
i know.
she told you about. . .
actually, it was her husband's dog.
they're anxiety attacks? that's a little disappointing.
so is my friend. is sara still here?
i have to see her. as soon as possible.
i wonder if you could show me something.
are these the only ones you have?
is that a suggestion?
i'm so glad to see you, sara.
i'm through improvising.
i lost it ail.
i know.
ouch. how many?
i went and looked at-some babies just now.
i guess you have to go on faith.
did you tell walter?
does he still love you?
well i do. i've always loved you, sara. i didn't know it at the time, but i'd always been waiting for you. my whole life. because you're who i need. because nothing makes sense without you. because the best moment of every day is the moment i first see your face. and because when you leave a room, there's no reason to be in it any more. it's just a room again.
in the hospital. i "was kind of excited about it at-the time, but then i was on pretty heavy painkillers.
you don't deserve me, you know.