(frustrated, but hanging
orange? tangerine? umm, mango? kiwi? peach? she shakes her head coyly. he starts darting from tree to tree, hopefully pointing out various options. she follows him.
okay, don't tell me-- papaya? pomegranate? lemon? lime? kumquat? uh, cock? cockfruit?
watermelon? honeydew? grapes?
starfruit, casaba-- tangelo?
(he doesn't even like her
because that's the fruit we don't eat! it's forbidden.
because we don't! it's a rule! that's the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. you don't eat from that one. nobody ever has.
stop saying why not! i told you-- it's a rule.
no-- yeah-- i don't know. we don't have that many rules. in fact, we only have one rule-- don't eat that
i'm not "afraid"--
okay! fine! you want to try the good and evil fruit, you got it. he rips two ripe fruits from a low-hanging bough and hands her one. they both stare at the fruit.
no way! it was your idea. you go first.
okay. ready? one-- two-- three! zed chomps down hard and takes a big bite, but maya fakes him out and stops before her teeth break the skin. zed got me. that's a good move. i'm going to steal it. he starts chewing and she watches as he gets his first taste of good and evil. then his face contorts in disgust and he spits it out. zed yuchh! that's horrible. yecch, ptui! ughh. he frantically wipes the inside of his mouth with his fingers, trying to get the terrible taste out.
yes! i'm saying it's not good! he grabs his belly as his stomach starts to cramp. then a loud bowel sound and his eyebrows shoot up. zed oh, no--
do me a favor. just kill me.
i couldn't help myself! maya was just staring at me with those pouty eyes-- and those perky breasts-- opposable thumbs. and how about the name? "the tree of the knowledge of good and evil"? you don't think that sounds tempting? they should've just called it "the tree with the fruit that tastes like shit." then for sure nobody would eat it. zed notices a villager squatting in the bushes right behind his dwelling. zed hey! squanto! give me a break, would ya'! you got the whole forest! why does everyone have to crap right behind my hut?
i don't see it. i mean she's cute, but i don't think i'd lay with her.
which was a big mistake. i see that now. you think it won't be awkward the next morning but-- trust me, you just want to rip your eyeballs out. listen, if you want to impress eema, tonight at the feast, do the fertility dance with her, then drag her back to your hut.
so you give her a little tap on the head. women respond to that--
i wouldn't read too much into that. she kisses, then tongues the spear tip. zed okay, that might mean something. the hunter marlak walks by and stops. he's clearly half a rung lower on the human evolutionary scale.
yes, marlak. very observant. i was indisposed. got that intestinal thing that's been going around. marlak grunts and examines the primitive line drawings on the walls of zed's hut.
it's a bear.
yeah. like you'd know.
that-- would be an antelope-- or a deer-- a deerpalope.
how could it be maya? it's just some lines on a skin.
your woman? i'm not sure dragging her into the bushes kicking and screaming means you have an actual "thing" going. marlak cuffs him hard on the side of the head.
hey! nice supra-orbital ridge, fartface!
hey, oh? did it ever occur to you that there may be more to life than this?
no, i'm serious.we're born into thisworld, we hunt, we gather, we eat,we sleep, we make babies--
--but why? what's the point?
no. last night i couldn't sleep, so i just laid there looking up at the sky, counting the stars. there were over seventy. kinda makes you think, doesn't it?
really? i've been thinking about it ever since i ate that fruit. don't you ever wonder what's on the other side of the mountains?
but what if it doesn't? what if it just goes on and on forever? or what if it's round? (he picks up a round
sorry!
do it, man! go dance for her.
are you kidding? go! jackal dance! oh summons his courage, gets up and crosses to where the girls are sitting. zed makes subtle eye contact with maya, waggles his eyebrows and licks his lips. she laughs and looks away. oh starts dancing timidly right in front of eema, subtly jerking his pelvis, trying to be cool. eema just stares at him for a moment, then goes back to talking to her friends. oh looks over at zed for help. zed mimes clonking her on the head. oh picks up a wooden club and hits eema right on the noggin. however, instead of submitting, she gets really pissed, stands up and decks him with one punch.
excuse me, hunter coming through.
for your information i was in line and i just stepped out to chew some food for an elderly lady. suddenly a spear is thrust inches from his face, stopping him. it's marlak, who towers over zed. his cohort, enmebaragesi, short and stout, stands beside him.
oh, really? and what if i called enmebaragesi a liar?
calm down. i said "what if"-- it was a hypothetical. marlak gets right in zed's face.
no, you just made it harder on myself! okay, fine, you got me. (gingerly moves the spear
isn't that what we're talking about? maya rolls her eyes.
oh, that! yeah! i did eat the fruit. i was just kidding about humping maya. marlak knocks zed to the ground. the drumming stops. oh comes running over and gets between marlak and zed.
look, marlak, this is crazy. you're two of me. i'm not gonna fight you over a girl, okay? zed starts to walk away but quickly pivots and throws a wild haymaker at marlak who easily ducks it, and it hits an unsuspecting enmebaragesi squarely in the nose. zed and let that be a lesson to your big friend- marlak grabs zed, lands two solid punches to zed's mid- section, and then clocks him with a vicious right that sends him sprawling to the ground.
one bite! what's the big deal?
i've always had trouble with the great turtle theory-- too many unexplained gaps.
really? how screwed? like i knew it was a rule but i'm a little fuzzy on the exact details.
where am i supposed to go?
i don't want to seem ungrateful or anything, but you wouldn't happen to have any arrows, would you? an arrow zips in and sticks in the post next to his head.
yes, or gatherer-- but there's got to be more to life than this-- kinda hard to concentrate with that rhythmic drumming, fellas. the hunters keep the insistent beat, their gaze fixed on zed. zed anyways, i'm going away, not because you're forcing me to-- which you are-- but because i choose to. yes, i ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil-- major misunderstanding on my part-- and believe me i'm not recommending it unless you're interested in a very powerful laxative-- but it got me thinking about some pretty heavy stuff -- life questions, you know. so i'm out of here, and anyone who wants to join me is welcome. he looks around the circle and sees maya. she sees marlak staring at her and averts her eyes. zed
no, you don't.
how can you see me if i'm not here?
okay, then tell me this-- who's standing right behind you?
was it my speech?
but the speech was pretty good, right? i mean, even i was moved and i was the one speaking.
this is nice, out here, the two of us.
come on, those hunters are idiots. in an hour they'll forget the whole thing.
you know what we should do? you and me should kill the biggest boar ever-- just huge!-- and take it back to the village. just to show them. and we won't let anyone else eat it. they'll have to watch us eat it.
oh!
don't move a muscle.
i don't know. there's two different opinions on this one. some say run, some say don't.
i'm going to-- run! he sprints off and the cougar pounces right on oh.
you really should put some maggots on those scratches. they look pretty deep.
because i honestly thought he'd go for me. i thought i was doing you a favor. apparently not appreciated.
you didn't have to come with me, you know. i didn't ask you to come.
yes, that's a technique of public speaking, but i didn't ask you specifically. you chose to come. you gotta take some responsibility for that. and there's no point coming if you're just gonna keep whining about every little-- cougar that attacks you. you want some or not?
you making your own fire?
you're still coming?
say what you want, but that was no accident. you don't see a pattern here?
yeah, but why? why'd the cougar go for you and not me? why did you fall and i didn't? hard to believe it's all just random. think about
yes! there! he drops to one knee and examines something in the bushes. zed they stopped here to poop. look.
four men, maybe five. and a child-- or a small women maybe.
looks like they had some nuts-- dried fruit-- some kind of green leafy vegetable--
(getting painfully to his
what do you guys do?
okay, boys, that's enough. we just want to--
we're not really that insulted--
boys, boys! you're brothers! let's just relax and-- cain uses the distraction to sneak-punch abel and the fight is on. they start throwing wild punches, then clinch and wrestle each other to the ground.
just let them settle it. cain picks up a good-size rock and strikes abel on the head with all his might. abel falls heavily to the ground and lies there, not moving. cain stands over him, breathing hard. zed
nothing! cain stares at abel, still inert on the ground.
hey! what do you mean "we"? i don't want to play the blame game, but you're the one who hit him.
we didn't know you were going to kill him--
did i say that?
unfortunately we already have dinner plans.
what are the big round things for?
wow! that is like the greatest invention since the vagina. cain whips the oxen and they lumber forward. oh screams as the heavy wheels roll over his feet.
thanks, but i'm kind of staying away from fruit for the time being. zed gives cain a subtle, acquiescent nod as adam ushers them into his crude dwelling.
yeah, that's got to be pretty vexing. a bergmanesque gloom fills the hovel as adam muses sullenly on his sorry circumstances.
wow. that's kind of a downer isn't it?
boy, i hope not.
i'm waiting for the punchline.
yeah, there you go. oh looks at seth.
and that's a good way to be. in fact, i'm kind of surprised a pretty girl like you is sleeping alone anyway. i would've thought guys would be lined up at the door.
maybe you just haven't met the right one.
i don't even know what that means. what does that mean?
(stares at her for a long
why would they blame us?
look at all these people! and this stuff! oh approaches a bakery stand and stares hungrily at the bread.
yeah, we're gonna need money. what's money? they see a crowd at the center of the market gathered around a raised platform. slaves in shackles are lined up on the raised wooden platform while customers examine those waiting to be auctioned. the auctioneer brings up a fnuscular male slave in a loincloth. zed it's marlak! marlak's hands are bound and he's restrained by a chain attached to a thick leather collar around his neck.
eema! maya! the women embrace him with relief and excitement.
what happened? how did you get here?
yeah, this one looks pretty good-- he starts prodding, poking and squeezing maya's arm like he's buying fruit. oh takes the opportunity to fondle eema's breasts. she punches him. zed ooh, feisty! so how does this work if we want them? the slave trader notes zed's peasant clothes.
you still think it's all just a coincidence? all of us here right now, at this particular place, at this particular time?
i'm not sure yet, but i'm starting to believe that everything happens for a reason. like, why did i eat the forbidden fruit?
what do you mean "which" omnipotent force? how many omnipotent forces could there be?
work with me-- i'm just speculating here. let's call this force "god"; and let's say this "god" is controlling everything. maybe god wanted me to have the knowledge of good and evil.
don't you get what i'm saying? what if we've been chosen?
well, no offense, but it's possible that i was chosen and you all just happened to be there.
a chosen doesn't need to be strong. i'm big this way.
not my face, my brain. it's enormous. i'm the smartest guy in the village.
what?! which one of us is smarter?
oh yeah, then why are we free and you're chained up?
sit tight. i'm going to get you out of here. do you trust me?
fair enough. she gives him an encouraging hug, then zed and oh cross to cain and the slave trader.
i never trusted that guy.
it's not like i want to be a slave or anything, but this is embarrassing!
look, i want you to know i blame myself for everything that happened.
it wasn't my very first thought, but i'd be lying if i said it wasn't up there.
shit! he leaps to his feet, looks around desperately, and sees nothing but a vast wasteland in every direction.
i have no idea.
will you stop being so negative? i got your back, man. who saved you from those lions when you were a baby? they were going to pounce, had you surrounded. took the mama lion-- bam!-- kneed her right in the face. papa lion comes flying at me-- bam!-- dropped an elbow, knocked his ass out.
yeah, because nobody else was there. you're lucky i was walking by.
we've got to keep moving. i've got you, buddy-- just like always. he puts oh over his shoulder and stumbles on.
stop! abraham and isaac both turn to see zed and oh step out from behind the rocks. their clothes are tattered and they are burnt raw by the sun. zed what are you doing to that kid?
what do you mean, nothing? you were just going to kill him!
not to him, i'm guessing. isaac nods gratefully.
what do you think?
i am zed and this is oh, sons of-- people you wouldn't know.
sodom and gomorrah? never been there. but i've heard of them.
i didn't know that. what kind of abomination are we talking about?
abominable.
really. tell me more.
we just want to know so we can avoid them.
abraham, i'm a little worried about the city being destroyed.
his name is praise and love his whole graciousness--
you know, abe, it's late, and we've all had a lot to drink, and i know this whole foreskin thing sounds like a good idea now, but you may just want to sleep on it. we could always cut 'em off in the morning, but if we do it now, there's just no putting it back on later.
to the city. i have to find maya.
and you're going to listen to him? you think he's more chosen than me?
yes, and he also wanted to give his dick a little trim.
you don't even know where we're going.
no. your dad specifically said sodom and gomorrah were evil.
no! i told you, that's not where we're going.
fine. they stand there for less than a beat. zed okay, you win. take us to sodom. isaac takes a couple of steps to the top of a rise and points off in the distance.
i knew it was right around here.
you shouldn't be smoking either.
where? back to the penis-cutter? besides, eema and maya might be in there. you want to get them out before the city's destroyed, don't you? isaac impatiently grabs a big rock and starts banging on the door.
get help! tell your father!
i kinda get why his dad wanted to kill him. the sentries drag them through a small door cut into a corner of the city gates.
we're not really hebrews-- the guard smacks him in the mouth. zed okay. lesson learned. no talking.
hey! why don't you pick on someone your own size? the sergeant drops oh and turns to zed. zed which would be difficult since there are probably very few people around who actually are your size-- he smacks zed hard on the side of the head.
all right, honestly? you did sell us into slavery.
that was way less than a fortnight. half a fortnight, maybe.
check out that woman across the street! she's looking at us. the prostitute smiles at them as she sensuously peels a banana, then slides the whole thing unbroken into her mouth.
this is great! how do i look?
so is this it? we just walk around?
what kind of trouble?
pretty harsh, isn't it?
did you see that girl? i think she liked me! she looked right at me.
who was she?
why not?
hey, there she is! he starts edging toward the royal pavilion.
he makes his way to a position just below the royal pavilion and stares up at the princess inanna. she sees him looking at her but pretends not to notice.
what's happening?
what do they want a virgin for?
seems like a waste of a perfectly good virgin to me.
me? cool. we're kind of a package deal. can he come with?
i'll try to put in a good word for you. cain fumes as zed and oh head off with maya.
what do you think, ponytail or no ponytail? you know what?
look, first of all, we're not actually brothers---
hey! you didn't let me finish. as soon as i get in there i'm going to talk to somebody and get you invited, okay?
feels like a hair-down kinda scene, don't you think?
maya?! what are you doing here?
i was going to rescue you! really! in fact, we came here to find you.
this wasn't my idea, you know.
hey! you're a real girl! that is so cool.
yeah, you look so-- gold. how's it going?
not bad. had a little rub and a scrub, now i'm up for some grub.
hey! you'll never guess who's here- - maya! she's working here-- and she looks great! but she's kinda mad at me. oh scans the great hall looking for her and spots zed's sister eema, his crush, come into the room carrying a tray of food.
you! slave girl! (he pulls her away from
now go-- fetch! wait by that-- skinny statue. i'll deal with you later. as eema exits, zed turns to the officers and shrugs. zed slaves-- what are you gonna do?
ouch. helpful hint. i will keep that in mind.
keep that up and you will.
okay, i know what you're thinking, but i'm just checking it out. we kept hearing that this place was so evil, but now that i look around i'm thinking maybe it's not all bad. there's a lot to learn here.
no! like the wheel, for instance! that's pretty awesome-- the way it just goes around in a circle. and farming! and metal-- writing, money, pottery-- hot baths. come on! back in the village we thought sharpening a stick was a big breakthrough.
look, i think i've been chosen to do something great with my life--
--and i don't think it's hunting wild pigs and weaving baskets. maya returns for zed.
i hope you don't think i'm interested in her.
i'm just using her, maya! it's part of my plan. i'm going to get you all out of here as soon as i can.
it's a secret.
and i await her. you two await me. stay out of trouble. i'll be back. he exits with maya.
i didn't know it was so close.
looks pretty from up here, but some people think god is going to wipe them out because they're so evil.
i don't really know you. but you don't look evil.
well, yeah. i think you're-- incredible.
no, you're perfect. your face, your hair-- your eyes are like the sea.
well, it's kinda dark. i took a shot. i know they're big, though-- and wet-- she pulls him close. zed can i ask you one thing? what would a girl like you want with a guy like me?
what are we doing here?
yes! finally. now you're talking! should i enter it right here or should we go back to your bedroom? does the holy of holies like to be entered from behind or--?
the gods are in there?
then why am i going in?
right-- right. then again, if the rules say--
what is it with chicks always wanting guys to break the rules? you-all have this bad boy complex---- she kisses him fiercely on the lips.
i'm going in. he enters the holy of holies. a figure darts between the columns and hides in the shadows. a beam of moonlight reveals the mark of cain on his forehead.
thank you, o-- merciful ones, for-- not like-- killing me, and letting me receive the, uh, blessing of your holy-- godliness. he exhales and closes his eyes again, waiting for some divine response. nothing comes.
i was just looking for the bathroom.
i wish i was upside down. looks fun. oh won't talk to him. zed so this is it? we're not friends anymore? after all i've done for you?
i've helped you come out of your shell.
listen, i know i'm not perfect, and i may have made a few wrong turns, but you have to understand-- i'm a chosen. that's a lot of responsibility -- you can't even imagine.
oh, come on!
i just want to say this is really messed up--
can i make a suggestion?
why don't you just pick one person to throw? the crowd thinks that's not a bad idea and murmurs agreement. zed in fact, don't you think it would be fair for us to get to pick the person who stones us? cain looks doubtful, but the crowd thinks this is eminently fair.
we pick him! cain points at a big guy, heavily muscled, eagerly waving his hand.
no, next to him! he points at a boy, about nine years old and not very big.
so? you got something against kids? zed plays the crowd which starts booing in disapproval. zed this guy hates kids!
good thinking, huh? they turn to face the boy, ready to dodge when he throws. the boy winds up and fires a major league fastball that smacks oh right on the forehead. the crowd cheers. zed holy shit! that kid's got an arm!
wait! i have a question for the king! the crowd goes silent. all eyes turn and look up to the palace balcony. zed why didn't i die in the holy of holies? on the balcony, everyone is totally stopped by his question. one by one they all look to the high priest who seems to be stumped. in the square, the crowd starts muttering. zed seizes the initiative. zed i entered the holy of holies and, lo, i did not die! why? because i am chosen by the gods!
yes!
hey! boys! long time no see. they glance up, but ignore him. zed don't tell me you're still mad about maya. that's so over. i have a thing going with the princess now-- well, almost had a thing. i'm a slave now-- just like you.
okay. we do have our differences-- like about a cup and half of brain tissue-- but that doesn't mean we can't work together. another guard approaches and whacks marlak with his stick.
you know, i'd like to, but i did something to my neck-- i must've slept on it funny-- those dungeon pillows are like rocks-- well, they are rocks-- so i should probably take it easy or i'll be no damn good for work tomorrow.
okay! but i should tell you, this isn't really my area. i'm just on a break from the mud department-- the guard draws his short sword and raises it over zed.
okay, okay. i'm going. (to marlak and
how high you guys think we're going with this?
that's ambitious.
oh, right, the tower. incredible erection.
you're from the village, aren't you? the child nods. zed i bet you wish you were back there right now, don't you. the child nods again. zed well, don't give up. you're going to get home someday. marlak kicks zed from behind, knocking him over.
i have to get down there.
wow. who saw that coming? thanks, marlak.
lower me down. without waiting for a response, zed bravely jumps off the top of the ziggurat holding the rope.
he's descending rapidly, rappelling off the side of the ziggurat. he looks up, expecting marlak to belay him and slow him down.
i said, 'i don't think so.'
whatever that last thing you said was.
let her go.
why don't we just sacrifice something small-- a rabbit maybe. or a duck. that'd be good, don't you think?
i'm the, uh, chosen one, i guess, and on behalf of, well, the whole city, i want to thank the high priest for his incredible sacrifice. that was really something, wasn't it? he starts clapping, then oh starts clapping, and soon all the people in the square are applauding. at that moment a single drop of rain falls and hits zed in the eye. he looks up, a few more drops, then a hard steady rain starts to fall. the people all look up in awe, then someone cheers and they all roar in celebration. then the rain stops as suddenly as it started. the cheers die away, and confused, dissatisfied muttering begins. zed people! friends! sodomites! okay, that was a little confusing, wasn't it?
that's what i've been trying to tell you. zed and maya, oh and eema stand there basking in the gratitude of the people as inanna looks on.
well said, marlak. you really have a way with words. they clasp hands.
not much to tell, is there? just an average guy who saw his destiny and had the courage to defy a powerful empire. no big deal. oh is at the front of the caravan, giving orders, but no one is listening to him. zed joins him. zed everybody ready?
might head down to egypt. i hear it's a happening kinda place.
not necessarily. you want to come?
traveling light, huh? okay, here we go.
i knew that. just wanted to see if you did. zed grins and they start walking, passing a small herd of sheep and goats, tended by veiled women, going in the opposite direction. as the last of the shepherd women passes, we notice something masculine about her build and posture. zed nods politely to her, but she averts her eyes and turns away from him.
	160:
what?
no. he scans the nearby trees.
nuh-uh.
that one. zed looks. it's a beautiful tree with lush, apple-like red fruit hanging from it.
yeah, right. okay.
look at them. hunters think they're so cool. they don't think gathering is dangerous? there are thorns-- bees-- those big stingy ants. i could hunt-- i just don't want to. and what's with the blood on their faces? they think that's sanitary?
i want to lay with her so badly.
no. she only likes hunters-- not gatherers. they look over at eema, who is now slowly stroking the shaft of a hunter's spear.
it's not a real bear. it's a "representation" of a bear. you know, a "picture."
oh, yeah, that's plausible. zed flings the rock away.
you laid with my woman?
hey! what's going on? marlak growls at him. oh (quickly looks up at the
oh, really?
okay, but before i go i just want to say something. i know i'm not the greatest hunter--
yeah, it's great.
fine, we'll just start with something small. a squirrel or something.
yeah, like it's so hard to build a new hut. it's just a pile of sticks and dung--
you're a pile of sticks and dung. suddenly, zed stops and stands perfectly still.
i just want to know why you told me not to move, and you ran.
no, eat your weasel. you deserve it. he turns his back to zed, and starts sorting through the pile of sticks.
yes. zed claps him on the back and hugs him exuberantly. oh winces in pain.
i knew it! still think you're just gonna fall off the edge of the world?
oooh. - i'll go around! wait for me!
this one's mine. he takes his bow, pulls an arrow from his quiver, and slowly draws the bow, taking deadly aim at one of the cows. he shoots. the blunt, pointless arrow hits the cow in the side and bounces off. the cow looks up.
hey! easy!
i guess that settles it.
why even bring it up?
i like you guys. you're all right. why don't you come with me? have supper with the family.
woooo! woooo! yeah!
okay! what am i-- his keeper? get off my back, will you? he smashes his plate against the wall and storms out. an awkward silence as zed and oh exchange guilty looks.
so we have that in common--
good luck.
hah! they'll never catch us now! an aerial view shows cain's cart slowly pulling away from his pursuers. suddenly a bolt of lightning splits the bright blue sky and strikes cain right on the forehead, knocking him back into the cart. he sits up stunned, with a still-smoking, jagged burn mark on his forehead.
we're gonna need some money.
hi, eema.
just a little. zed and oh look at her curiously. the slave trader sees them talking to eema and approaches.
well, that depends on what you mean by money?
perhaps i can help. (confidentially to zed and
i don't know. why do you think?
you're not even-- i'm smarter than you!
i want to trust you.
why? just 'cause he murdered his brother and got hit by lightning? they are pushed to the front of the platform.
remember, it's two for one here. do i hear fifty? anyone? that's only twenty-five apiece, folks.
zed looks out at the crowd, starting to get offended. slave trader you're breaking my heart here. how about forty? do i hear forty?
come on, people! we're a steal at thirty!
excuse me-- i'm sorry-- that's not good-- he jerks his hand away, elbowing marlak in the face.
hey, pal! you can take your foot out of my ass anytime now.
and your foot is still there. if i turn around, you will be sorry. zed twists violently and manages a full turn which brings him face to face and crotch to crotch with maya. zed that's better.
i don't think that's going to be possible. and i told you before, she's not "your woman."
why? suddenly zed feels marlak's hands around his neck, grabbing him from behind. zed struggles but marlak manages to pull him into a full headlock, forcing zed's face into his hairy armpit.
ecchhh! oh is vaguely aware of the fight going on but can't move.
i'd like to see you try. the bedouin is just about to respond when suddenly a metal tipped arrow flies in and pierces his throat. he drops to the sand, dead.
i wonder who they are. their hats are really great, aren't they?
now we just need to figure out a way to rescue maya and eema.
patience, my friend. even killers have to sleep sometime. he keeps a sharp, wakeful eye on the enemy camp.
well, that was refreshing. how'd you sleep?
not that well. i think i was over- tired. then zed suddenly remembers maya. he looks and sees that the soldiers and slaves are long gone.
okay, it's possible i dreamed that-- but who practically raised you after your father was dragged off by those raccoons? not a dignified death.
i don't see the sheep.
uh-- is this like a magic trick? without another word abraham takes strong hold of isaac and lifts him up onto the firewood. isaac okay, if this is because i didn't clean up my tent, you can stop now. i get it. then abraham pulls a long slaughtering knife from beneath his robe. isaac
all right, this isn't funny anymore! abraham raises the knife. isaac i'm telling mom! the knife flashes in the sun as it descends toward the boy.
nothing.
whatever you just said. oh helps isaac off the altar stone and unties him.
he wants to know where you're from.
thou comest not from the cities of the plain? from sodom or gomorrah? zed perks up at the mention of sodom, recalling the destination of the soldiers who took maya and the others.
walk not the path of sodom! for surely will the lord send his holy fire to destroy the city and all who dwell within, to smite them and all their seed for their iniquity.
when do you think all this smiting is going to go down? we may have some friends there.
this is all your land?
yeah, god just forgot to tell anyone else. we're having a war with someone like every five minutes.
i'm not sure i have any extra.
hey! anybody there? hello? suddenly zed and oh are yanked off their feet from behind and slammed into the wall by helmeted sentries. isaac quickly runs away.
relatively fat one. i wouldn't be talking about fat, if i were you. another blow from the sergeant. zed right. enough said. the sergeant rips open zed's shirt exposing his back, then steps up behind oh and does the same. a guard hands him a lethal-looking bat studded with sharp spikes.
yeah, thanks for saving us. what are you going to do to us now? cain stops and looks at them.
right.
now, you guys hungry? watch this. cain walks up to a food vendor's stall and stares menacingly at the vendor. he raises his fist. the vendor cowers.
line up! zed and oh hustle into line, orders are shouted and the troop marches off.
will she be there?
and besides, i'm so fat. the queen, 40's, still beautiful, reacts.
for the good of the people.
oh yeah. uh huh. uh huh.
why?
these virgins-- it's always a girl, right?
this is just crazy. maya approaches them but zed and oh still don't recognize her.
so what do you do?
they cut off your testicles.
what?! what's up with all the genital mutilation?
trust me, after a while you don't even miss them.
no, i'd miss them-- i'm sure. i hardly got to use them yet. the eunuch leads him down the corridor.
how did you become high priest?
or a fire-ball.
can the gods really be so cruel?
i wouldn't know.- i'm just a guard because my "brother" didn't pull any strings with his friends in the royal court.
yeah, sure. have a nice orgy. cain pulls open the big doors and zed steps through the portal. cain tries to steal peeks inside as the heavy doors slam shut.
be sure to try the fruit. zed looks at her and finally recognizes her.
she wants to see you-- now.
why would i think that? just because you couldn't take your eyes off her--
what's your plan?
with my hands?
eema! this isn't what you think.
no, it's fine. i understand. this really explains a lot about you that i didn't get before.
ughh.
that's exactly what i've been thinking! you wouldn't believe the things that have been happening to me lately. i just didn't know why.
i couldn't agree more. i'm trying to agree more, but i can't. that's how much i agree.
here's a riddle: what has two thumbs and wants another oil rub? (pointing thumbs at
right, right, right.
what if we just open the doors and stick our heads in?
that's the holy of holies-- you have to go in there and talk to the gods.
because you were chosen? if the gods wanted you dead they would have killed you already.
not that you would get off on any of it-- okay, i'm getting off the subject. anyways, the word is you've been considering destroying this place. so i'm asking you not to-- as a personal favor.
feel free to jump in anytime. i could use a little guidance here. still no response. he rolls over onto his back. zed look, i know you think this place is evil and it kinda is-- i see that-- but that's not everybody. there are a lot of good people, too. so what if there were, like, fifty really good people? would you still destroy the city?
okay, you're right, that may be a reach. how about twenty? i could probably get you twenty extremely good people if i really looked around.
how about five? five awesome people-- including myself. i personally know at least five people worth saving. does that sound good?
hello? a little help? am i getting warm here? okay, is it me? are you punishing me for stuff i did? or setting me up for what i need to do. or both! or neither?
could you give me some kind of a sign-- please-- anything? zed listens but hears only a profound silence. then a revelation. he sits up on the floor. zed okay, wait. is that the sign? the silence? is that it? it is, isn't it! just this really silent-- silence.
you're not going to tell me what to do; it's up to me to decide what's right and what's wrong-- right? is that it? you're not going to speak to me-- you're going to speak through me? if that's right, don't say anything. okay, i read you loud and clear. thank you. oh, and if things don't work out with maya would it be okay with you if me and the princess had a little "carnal knowledge"? not in an evil way or anything-- okay! you're right, probably not a good idea. thank you. he backs out of the holy of holies, bowing all the way.
i told him not to go in.
seize them!
should've invited me to the party.
the only one who thinks you're chosen is you, so shut up already!
okay, be mad, but i'm going to get us out of here, if it's the last thing i do. zed starts frantically yanking on his shackles to no avail. zed that was just my first idea-- and i'm also accepting ideas.
guard! i have to pee! now! seriously! oh, no--
stone them! the people fling their rocks with all their might. zed and oh duck. the rocks fly over their heads and hit people in the crowd on the opposite sides, several bystanders taking painful hits in the head, some falling down unconscious. cain notes the impracticality of having people throw rocks from all directions. cain okay! stop! halt! hold it! this isn't working.
what?
i think he hit me. the boy fires again. oh spins and tries to duck but takes the rock right on the head. oh hey! there's two of us! the crowd cheers and pats the kid on the back.
can't we just stone them a little?
that's nothing. you should see it when i'm excited.
there's a depraved thought. you're so delightfully low. absolute filth.
thank you, your majesty. he touches his tongue to the tip of his nose and waggles his eyebrows. the king arrives with sargon to loud booing from the crowd.
that's eema! and maya! i know them!
i guess you know everybody, don't you. oh shoulders his way right up to the barrier where a big guard stops him with a spear to his neck.
how are you seeing that far?
it's maya!
over my dead body.
any time now, marlak! marlak and enmebaragesi watch his descent, dumbly interested in what happens next. zed sees he's not slowing down and tries to swing himself onto one of the upper levels of the ziggurat. however, when he swings in, he hits a cart loaded with bricks and bounces off painfully.
may the balm of this healing oil soothe your journey through the sacred fire!
don't fight it! it's the will of the gods! then, a voice from above.
i don't think so! zed is standing atop the idol's head, brandishing a sword and shield.
i said, 'i don't think so!'
you don't think what?
i forgot.
guards!
assholes. he falls to their flashing knives.
no! a duck would not be good!
hot!
is she with you? i did not realize that. sorry. marlak and maya cross to zed who is loading a packhorse. marlak looks at him for a long moment then punches him hard on the shoulder.
you did good. zed waits for more, but nothing comes.
yeah, just about-- i guess so. the hebrews are going to lead us to the sea and we can get boats from there. we can trade all this stuff everybody gave us for the trip home.
i don't think i should be the leader. nobody's listening to me.
to the west!