i'm here, aren't i?
so i discovered b-school's not for me. people grow.
of course i care. but i also understand.
we're at different places in our lives. i get it.
that would be inappropriate.
c'mere. it'll be ok.
well, that was fantastic. good night, guys.
i saw the ball drop and hugged all of you. aliens didn't invade. our computers are still working. what else could possibly happen?
i see that happen like every night. good night and happy new year.
i don't rock out.
no thanks.
no.
dear trusted foreigner, allow me to introduce myself. i am the deposed king of nigeria and i wish to propose a confidential transaction. allow me to delete you, my liege.
i'm not a soldier.
i'm out of town.
sorry. today i'm officially a greeter.
someone might come. and if i'm not here, they won't be greeted.
until i'm relieved as a greeter, my hands are tied.
i'm carl kendall. just a teller.
yeah, if you're into fake breasts and german engineering.
no, but this gentleman can.
will do!
no thanks.
no.
can't.
no.
sorry.
no can do.
hello?
i'm in bed. why? what happened? did someone die?
it's already 11:15. i don't think i can make it.
no.
alex eberts? what's up, buddy?
where've you been? norman's been heartbroken since you quit.
same old same old.
you kidding? every day it's impossible not to throw rocks at the place.
what're you doing! stop that! i was kidding!
what are you doing here?
what're you talking about?
i'm sorry. i'm just really busy.
so i don't want to go out tonight. maybe i have to wake up early tomorrow. you don't know.
what? so? i'm like a sexual camel. i only need it once every couple years.
you wear a rolex?
so i don't have an oyster watch. all you and lucy and kath do is sit around and talk about real estate and crate and barrel.
forget crate and barrel. maybe i'm just getting more mature. i don't need the lifestyle ever night.
i hate meeting people.
i am not a cave dweller. just the other day, we all went to summerfest and snuck backstage and you bet me i wouldn't steal something and so i stole a drumstick from that horrible swedish hillbilly band. that's not very cave dweller of me.
but that's not possible -- i was already working at the bank by then.
i was making out with chicks by fourth grade. i was a little man by fourth grade.
i don't know if i want that.
cool. do you want anything from the refreshment area?
that's ok. i'm just auditing.
i'm cool right here.
carl.
i wouldn't say that.
it wasn't exactly my idea.
honestly?
this whole thing seems retarded.
i wouldn't necessarily --
a little.
it is.
i'm not sure --
yes?
yello.
don't worry about it.
oh, thanks for the invite, but.
yes.
yes. i will come to brunch.
why?
you kidding? i love brunch.
why do people wait an hour for breakfast? it's so hot and bright and we haven't even had coffee yet.
of course i want to be here. i love waiting an hour for eggs. it's fun. although i will point out that you have sunglasses which is probably making this wait a lot easier.
we were definitely before those lowell people.
why does no one ever say anything?
yes. i will.
yes, we were.
well, this time the list lied.
you all know that we were up before you! and you have to live with that knowledge through your delightful brunch!
i just want transparency in terms of the brunch seating order.
bacon and eggs.
i don't want an adventure first thing in the morning.
yes.
yes.
yes.
yes.
yes.
yes.
yes.
yes.
yes.
coffee. and juice.
yes.
yes.
yes.
i'm just addicted to the stuff. chinese cultures say it's good for digestion.
i don't think.  there's any reason why i shouldn't? on a saturday there's nothing i like more than the inside of a bank.
yes.
all of them please.
of course i'll take a flier.
carl.
yeah. i just though it would be a fun way to lighten things up.
i spent my own money on them.
how may i help you?
while loans aren't normally in my jurisdiction, i'd be happy to help you.
yes.
yup. what's your business?
adorable.
let me just get final approval on this.
no, i know, so if you think this is a bad idea for a loan that's fine but can you please tell her yourself?
her business plan.
that's silly. how're you supposed to start a tiny business if you can't get a tiny business loan?
do you maybe have any interest in borrowing ten thousand?
of course we can. one moment please.
it's approved.
thanks, marge. we don't like to make other customers jealous so can we keep this between you and i?
that seems like a lot of responsibility.
grand?
next saturday.  sounds great.
wouldn't think of it.
believe it. because this guy just got a promotion.
yes.
why not?
yes.
have a good day yuppifying your lives.
please don't leave me here with him.
i have not been this drunk in years! the room is spinning in a bad way!
where's the class?
yes.
sign me up, bitch.
just tell me what you've got to say to me, i've been waiting for so long to hear the truth, it comes as no surprise at all you see, so cut the crap and tell me that we're through. now i know your heart, i know your mind, you don't even know you're being unkind, so much for all your highbrow marxist ways, just use me up and then you walk away, boy you can't play me that way.
it depends -- is that your girlfriend?
then yes.
yes, i do. very much.
yes, i am.
i will.
me bringing it.
you do not cross carl kendall.
yes.
your fiance?
i thought you said you two weren't even dating?
hi.  is there a sanji gupta staying here?
i'm carl. the guy from yesterday.
no thanks. i just wanted to thank you for that inspiration.
you know, just living every day to it's fullest. and, like, learning to continue to experience life or whatever.
i just said i'm going to keep experiencing life. i thought you'd be happy.
so what should i do?
1) until new year's eve, i must say yes. 2) the yes cannot distort the truth.
3) if someone discovers you are a yes man, you do not have to say yes to them. 4) to avoid yes, you cannot avoid contact. therefore, you must always answer your phone, the door, your postal mail, your email, etc and so on and so forth. 5) you must choose a yesponsor to keep you on the straight and narrow. who should that be?
5) i hereby void the "do you want" loophole. what is that?
i say.  yes.
is this like a legal document?
ahhhhhhhh!
yesterday i got promoted and beat up and hooked up with this chick and i have a massive headache today and i still might throw up, but i don't care because it was the best time i've had in like forever. not to mention finding out that, despite what you might think, smoked whitefish in an omelette is delicious, even if covered in a thick layer of pepper.
you don't understand. i got promoted. do you know how long i've been waiting for some kind of financial step forward? i said `yes' and it arrived.
excuse me for wanting an appliance in my kitchen besides a hot pot.
that's where you come in. you're my "yesponsor."
like in aa. i need you to hold me to it.
i look forward to proving you wrong.
i'd be happy to.
that's sexist. please. i insist.
yes.
black coffee, large.
to have a wonderful day? i would.
what's the hurt in taking another?
of course. i couldn't say `no.'
dear deposed king of nigeria. i would love to help you anyway i can with your confidential transaction. please let me know what i can do. yours, carl kendall.
yeah.
where did you hear that?
i told her not to say anything.
i might have some stuff to pawn.. i will definitely check out your gun selection.. i would like to learn korean.
(in korean, with
i disagree. i think you hit some pretty high octaves.
i don't know -- i've known some water nymphs with big balls. from the high level of testosterone.
"big balled water nymph"? it's a working title.
sure. i love clearing stages.
so early? it's only 8:00?
you're a photographer too?
what time do you leave?
wow. i haven't seen the sunrise maybe ever.
hey, kath. would you like one? i'm going to learn swahili.
seb? what is that? swedish?
you're on a date then?
he's very tall.
well, it was nice meeting you, seb. so i'll be going.
i'd love to. join you guys.
so, how did you guys meet?
oh, this is good.
shit.
dear omar, while i appreciate the gravity of your situation, perhaps a goodwill branch is in order. could you perhaps loan me a million and take it out of my final cut? then i will happily send you my bank details. sincerely, carl.
good morning.
well, it is five in the morning.
i thought i'd use my phone.
that's what i thought.
as it was meeting you farinoush.
will do. should i call you?
farinoush azzam. great girl, but i don't think we're right for each other.
persianwifefinder.com. let's talk wedding shower.
you kidding? i love stationery.
looks good to me.
i'm just helping throw the shower.
look at this -- bridal bingo. what's bridal bingo?
that sounds fun.
how about a calendar shower?
do you even know what a calendar shower is? maybe a calendar shower is awesome.
i think that's really cute.
you have got to do that. like it's not even a choice.
you only get married once.
how much do you need?
done.
you promise you'll pay it back?
what am i doing?
i'm sorry, but it's absurd that if you need a small amount of money you have to go to a loan shark. only rich people can pay back loans over ten grand. a bank's job is not to just help the rich. it's to help anyone with a dream achieve it.
thank you so much.
what do you need a loan for?
why don't you hire movers?
yes. do you want to help at all?
where are you moving?
i'm kind of in a rush.
well, that's really neat. so, thanks for the books and the jasmine tea and the vegan curry, but i have to go --
it was really great meeting you --
i really have to go.
yes.
do you have any candles? i just love candles.
how about wine? like a bottle of beaujolais?
i have herpes.
downstairs?
it's a swinging door!
i just adopted her. if you're interested, they're giving them away in front of petco.
neither did i.
seems like a nice guy.
he asked me to join them.
i have no choice. i'm a yes man. i must say yes. if seb asks me to join them on their date, i must. if some dude asks me for a loan i have to give it to them even if it's clearly never going to be paid back. if a guy asks me into his bedroom, i must hook up with him.
it's like hooking up with a strong woman. i honestly don't see what the big deal is. i am guided by yes. yes has become my superpower. and let me tell, yes is turning out to be a pretty sweet deal. now if you'll excuse me i'm late for korean class.
that's no reason to write off an entire, vibrant culture. see you later, buddy.
you really are displaying that.
wow. that's really big. how do you have time for all this stuff?
you gave me the flier, so i had to go.
do you want to go out sometime?
by the way, i do other stuff besides follow you around.
i take korean.
i think i'm good. to have some more.
like, do you want to open a store?
they're not terrible.
i think you're being hard on yourself --
when? like in a couple years?
people always talk about that, but you're actually doing it.
it's lame, but you know, it's pretty funny. my boss norman always throws theme parties.
because.  it's actually not lame.
like say you need three hundred bucks to pay for paint so you can start a house painting business. rather than paying a loan shark who charges you 300%, now you can come to southwest bank. whatever. it's kind of dorky.
(in korean, with
funny, not crazy. my boss is white noise.
you know, like totally boring.
i wouldn't bother.
we don't have to stay long.
i'm carl. this is renee.
i don't think so.
so, how do you know norman?
you're in a karate club?
khatoon, norman! you guys should spar!
i'm carl. what do you do?
cool.
it can't be that bad.
so did you let him in?
if you hate your job so much, why do you do it?
you're a no man.
i say yes. to everything. say yes more. it's that simple.
i just love pets. this is veronica, king george, owen, carl jr., carl the iii, carl iv, bubbles, greedo, cat 1, cat 2 and cat 3. at the end there, i got kind of bored of naming them.
you don't need to do that.
i have a congenital heart thing it helps. and it's cheaper than the stuff that's made here.
it's cheaper to buy in bulk. is that a crime?
yes.
i give great massages.
how much does a schwinn cost?
done and done.
really? because i have a thing at one.
i actually met you when i was just a teller.
thank you.
generous helpfulness?
uh huh.
janice peabody's ant farm rental business.
i've started a microloan project. i figure that if someone needs less than ten grand why should they go to a loan shark when they can come to a legitimate banking institution?
no. i wouldn't do that.
thank you.
yes.
yes.
i'm sorry -- bank meeting stuff.
you have to have one. modern bride calls them a necessity.
you know peter. he's a man's man. he cares, he just doesn't know how to show it.
you guys are perfect for each other.
maybe if you're just honest with him about how you're feeling it'll be ok.
sorry, the bank, you know? the ufo conference is tonight? no, that's fine, i'll definitely be there.
not necessary.
for some reason, the bank keeps promoting me.
yes.
yes. i've got to run.
what?
right. of course.
i just think if we're going to be rolling out a no interest financing campaign we should commit hard.
i'm sorry i'm late.
it was work, it went crazy late.
long story. miss, could i have an orange juice? like fast?
your wife found me a really great place. built in bose surround sound, a 100 inch lcd flat screen tv, roof deck with jacuzzi.
oh, this old thing? prada, i think.
you should check out her pottery. it's really big.
well, we're kind of in a celebratory mood.
maybe we should wait for peter to decide.
why not? let's celebrate.
it's a really nice corner though.
it's on me! i'd like to split it between an advanta blue business, mastercard, a diners club and my south dakota bank visa check card.
i just spent $1500 on dinner.
because the waiter asked me if i wanted the expensive wine and you weren't there to stop me!
no i can't. if i didn't say yes to the band flier, i never would have met renee. if i hadn't said yes to taking charge of bank day care and then yes to becoming a loan specialist and then yes to the president's golf trip, i wouldn't be moving up. each yes leads to the next one. if i stop, it could all fall apart.
i don't know why i should be taking advice from a guy who's wife is pissed he's not involved at all with the wedding planning.
you told her you don't care whether the invite's cream or ivory.
what? why?
but you guys have dated for years.
you're perfect for each other.
she's terrified too.
of course she is. i think you'll both be a lot less terrified if you're terrified together.
what matters is that you pretend you can see the difference.
they're a little stiff.
i'm actually going rollerblading with ralph.
you know, crazy rollerblading guitar man.
any interest?
yes.
that is really good to know.
i do this whole habitat for humanity thing.
(in korean, with
just a little.
is it a problem if i've never played golf before?
metaphorically?
i do.
just keeping them on their toes. reverse psychology. tiger woods does it.
chris, you hit a 90. nice one.
joo-chan hit a 95. nice work. as for seung kim. you hit 453.
i'm sorry to say that team korean bank international has won.
you're very sexy.
i just got promoted to bank manager.
have dinner?
yes.
oaxaca, senorita.
(with an unidentifiable
my singaporean accent. pretty good, right?
lincoln, nebraska! here we come, baby!
i've been promoted. i've got money to burn.
tony.
i'm sorry. i've been busy.
that's our flight. we should probably get going.
see you soon.
where's your seat?
well, clearly we should go there.
i had no idea that the earliest switchboard operator headsets weighed ten and a half pounds. that is fascinating.
not at all.
we're here. we might as well.
this is awesome!
there's, uhh, no power steering.
i'm sorry about the barn.
just don't sue me.
this day has been so randomly incredible.
yes.
definitely.
yes.
i'm definitely falling for you.
like you want me to bring it with me? on the plane?
yeah. sure. i'd be happy to.
national enquirer?
just a gift for some buddies back home.
i don't know!
yes. i'm sorry. just let the girl go. she doesn't know anything.
some old lady gave me a package in the lincoln airport to deliver to her son, sheldon winkleton. that was really stupid of me and i realize that now. i don't know anything about anything.
yes.
yes. but that's all.
but that's the only bad shit i've done. i swear.
i can explain.
look, when the nice lady asked me to take them on the plane, i thought they were chocolates.
i know how it sounds.
wait! i'll explain better.
yes.
see? do you get it now? it's nothing, just a glitch really.
i don't.
it wasn't a lie.
i don't care. just take it all.
i'm not a drug dealer --
you got to do what you got to do to help mr. and mrs. shareholder.
totally.
that's right, we're dropping the minimum loan to one dollar, bank- wide.
i thought i was just implementing the microloan program.
sorry about that.
you can't close the maple branch!
you don't have to if you don't want to.
there are other banks.
you don't even work at the bank.
those dicks.
i think i made a mistake letting renee go like that. what if i'm supposed to go on that trip?
but the bank doesn't feel right.
hi, sanji. i'm carl. kendall.
actually, i had a question for you.
i'm sorry to bother you again --
i have a really important question. i have to choose between traveling around the world with a girl i'm really into or choosing a job that will make me pretty well off. i don't know which yes to take.
i don't know why that's important.
a lot, ok?
i don't want to go to a seminar. i just need help with this question.
out!
you've slept on my couch for four weeks. you're a grown man. now sack up and get the hell out of here.
are you deaf?
you knew?
get the hell out of here.
omar, let's cut the crap. you are not a king. you're probably just a teenage con artist jerking off somewhere in russia. write me again and i will find you and beat your stupid lying face in. dick. sincerely, carl kendall.
no.
no.
hey, luce. what're you doing all the way over here?
i've been a little swamped.
yeah. things are great.
sorry, but i'm too busy these days. don't have time to help with the party anymore. good luck.
i'm not the one marrying you. maybe you should ask him for some help.
have you guys thought that teenagers don't have the financial knowhow to use a credit card?
include a mastercard with every xbox.
it's an elderly orangutan actually. could you please call everyone on this list and tell them to show up at rudy's bar & grille this evening at 9pm?
i just want to say, it was really great having you as my first secretary.
i don't think i'm going to be working here much longer.
i need to talk to you.
i don't know if i'm good enough at korean --
(in korean, with
(in korean, with
(in korean, with
you speak english?
for myself.
i quit.
announcing the pending marriage of peter carlton and lucy giuliano!
i didn't have much time to throw this together. i got a stallion, didn't i?
i entrust you to sell all my shit.
yes.
well, if you do that's what my answer will be.
i just flew twenty-two hours. what do you think? now can i please kiss you?
i'm here to see omar. the former king of nigeria.
omar! it's wonderful to meet you in person
i'm sorry for calling you a masturbatory russian teenager.