i might have to kill myself.
my sister said she saw millie filbert holding hands with some college guy.
well it's working. what am i gonna do, nick? i'm obsessed. i think about millie so much my balls ache.
so, i've been taping my pecker to my right leg at night.
then i look at this issue of better homes and gardens that has a girl that looks just like millie until it gets good and hard. i think it's starting to straighten out.
are you kidding? it would kill them to know that i even get hard-ons.
true. what if i shove it up the wrong hole? nick gives a dubious glance in lefty's direction.
what's with your mom, nick? she gave me the third degree just to come up here.
well, good thing i stole this from the bookstore then. lefty unzips his backpack and produces a large hardbound volume titled lovemaking for advanced gourmets.
i was reading it all last night. boy, having sex is a lot more complicated than i thought. did you know you were supposed to stick your pinkie in her bumhole?
no way, man. here, i got the page marked. lefty flops down on the sofa next to nick and the two of them flip through the manual.
are we really supposed to be that.  uh.  big?
maybe we should compare.
you'll never believe who called me, nick. millie filbert!
i dunno. she just called and asked if i wanted to hang out tonight. i didn't want to ask why. i need to find someplace for us to get it on. albert squats to poop in someone's yard. the boys pause to wait for him.
really?
right on. albert finishes his business and they resume walking.
dr. browerly's office. my parents are making me see a shrink now.
you bet your left nut he is! he asked if i had any lustful thoughts toward my sister.
i told him about beating off once with her brassiere.
you don't know what it's like. i think they release chemicals in their office to make you tell the truth.
i wouldn't know. the bill goes to your house.
i guess so. it was your cyclops i was staring at.
that's true. gee, maybe i am gay.
oh, right. i forgot. that's a relief. so you'll leave the door open?
thanks a pantsful, nick.
psst. nick. nick finds lefty lurking in the shrubs that divide his mother's lawn from the neighbor's. he limps to his friend.
no. i did not get to blow my wad.
no. worse.
millie is a lesbian.
the only reason she wanted to hang out with me is because she heard that i showed you my slinky and thought i was gay too.
well, i dunno what you're gonna do, but i'm giving suicide serious consideration this time.
hey, that's not a bad idea. thanks a pantsful, nick. a pair of headlights swing into the drive and lefty ducks out of sight. the headlights turn out to belong to george twisp's
oh. hey, nick!
i live here. the guy's only charging me fifty in cash a month.
i did what you told me, nick. i threw my backpack off the pier and reported my own suicide. i even left a note.
so where you headed?
can i come?
it's weird, nick, but school seems like a pretty fun place to hang out once you get rid of classes and homework.
i'm telling you, nick: killing myself was the best thing that ever happened to me.
sure. i'm lefty and this is nick.
hey, that's you, nick.
that must come in handy. nick hands over the letter and vijay starts reading it silently. he chuckles as he reads and nick squints his eyes at him in annoyance. vijay picks up on it, clears his throat and reads aloud.
heather sounds like a babe. you think if i grew a beard i'd pass for college age?
and then he'll probably fuck her in other ways. did you know you're supposed to put your pinkie in a girl's bumhole, vijay?
sorry, nick. what should we do?
you can tell your father you are staying at nick's house for the weekend. and visa versa.
what is this music, nick?
and i'm not gay.
your roommate won't mind?
well, see you guys in the morning. the door closes and vijay and nick exchange a knowing glance.
i'm right here, nick. nick peers past heather where he finds lefty standing naked in the moonlight.
you can have one of ours, nick. if you need one. the fact that nick doesn't yet raises his temperament even further.
i did it three times! two long ones and a quickie.
but we have no money!
whoever she is, she sure gets around.
congratulations, vijay. that makes it official. welcome to the club. nick narrows his eyes at the two non-virgins.
i guess this means they're not being expelled.
nick? nick turns to find lefty coming up the path with two bags of groceries under his arms.
nick, haven't you heard? vijay's been arrested.
for grand theft auto. they found his prints in your father's car.
no. he said you were his accomplice and now the ukiah police are looking for you! we linger a beat on nick's blank expression. then -
nick? what are you doing here? everyone and their mother's mother is looking for you.
home. i'm done being dead, nick. heather and i are going back to oakland for christmas. you should have heard how glad my parents were that i didn't kill myself. they were even happier when they found out i'm not gay.
yeah, being in love is pretty great. so what's your plan, nick?