BLAST FROM THE PAST - by Bill Kelly and Hugh Wilson
SCENE 1 OMITTED
EXT. SAN FERNANDO VALLEY - NIGHT
OPEN on a MOVING WIDE SHOT of a mountain range with the
distant lights of the San Fernando Valley behind it.
BEGIN CREDITS as a NAVY JET drops down into the picture.
PUSH IN on the jet's exhaust flame. Have the words "THE
BLAST" come out of the flame. Then there is a SLIGHT
EXPLOSION and the flame intensifies. The words "FROM THE
PAST" jump out of the exhaust as the jet momentarily
The PILOT feels the jet shake. But he looks at his
indicators and everything appears to be normal. He
We begin with a WIDER REAR SHOT of the jet and allow the
plane to move away. Then SUPER: "LOS ANGELES, 1962"
before continuing the main titles. A popular recording
from that period has been playing throughout.
EXT. CALVIN'S WORK SHOP - NIGHT
Start on a CU of the HAM RADIO ANTENNA, WIND GAUGE and
THERMOMETER attached to the roof of Calvin's shop. (We
can hear military air traffic chatter on Calvin's
Hallicrafter radio.) Then move down to the window where
we see CALVIN Webber tinkering with a gadget at his work
bench. Calvin's very pregnant wife HELEN appears. The
music becomes source.
For Pete's sake, Calvin! We've got
Sorry, honey! I just got to fooling
with this darn rheostat.
Well, put it down and come in!
You bet, hon!
They exit the workshop for the house. Calvin has left
the ham radio on.
NAVY PILOT (ON
Tower, Wolf One is five miles from the
TOWER (ON RADIO)
Wolf One, Tower. Report the numbers.
You're number one for the overhead.
NAVY PILOT (ON
INT. COCKPIT OF JET - SAME TIME
The YOUNG PILOT looks down at the flashing red light on
his control panel. He speaks into the oxygen mask that
hangs loosely from his helmet.
Tower. Wolf One. I've got a problem
Say your problem, Wolf One. Are you
declaring an emergency?
Stand by. One.
INT. DINING ROOM
DAVE, BETTY, BOB, and RUTH (30's) pass around the buffet
table. Another period song is playing on the phonograph.
Just remember: don't mention the
Calvin's a great guy, but he's a
little, you know...
What's his wife like?
Oh, you know, housewife.
Likes to cook. Pregnant.
Well, I wouldn't go that far.
Helen has entered from the kitchen with more food. She
favors June Allison.
Hi, Betty! Dave!
Just look at you!
Any day now!
This is my sister and her husband.
Oh, hi! Welcome!
INT. LIVING ROOM
Calvin is using a cocktail shaker to very carefully make
Rob Roys for the crowd at the bar. It's like watching a
chemist at work. Calvin's a pipe-smoker.
So anyhow this duck says to the clerk,
"I'd like to buy this lip balm." And
the clerk says, "Will that be cash or
a check?" And the duck says, "Just
put it on my bill!"
Polite laughter follows, but the guy out of Calvin's
sight-line rolls his eyes.
ANGLE - DAVE AND BOB
with drinks. Helen is in the b.g., rushing around, over-
He was the golden-boy professor at Cal
Tech. But then he starts inventing
What kind of things?
You got me. Some kind of special
synthetic rubber. And some kind of
automated machine. Anyhow, suddenly
he gets rich. I mean rich! And quits
ANGLE - CALVIN
as his guests sample their Rob Roys.
Just what the doctor ordered!
Calvin gives the man his patented thumbs-up sign.
ANGLE - BETTY AND RUTH
over by the patio doors. We can see Calvin's shop through
With all his money they could have
moved to Beverly Hills, but they
decided to stay in the Valley. Calvin
spends all his time tinkering out
there in his workshop. If you ask me
it's all very strange.
WOMAN GUEST #1
He dug a huge hole out there for a
swimming pool. Then he decided he
didn't want it and filled the thing
in. And what's that big, high fence
The women look at Calvin.
ANGLE - CALVIN
with guests (one is called Harold) at the bar.
There currently exists a type of neon
light that lasts five years. But you
won't see it on the market. Same is
true of batteries. I could take your
simple yacht battery and rig it to
last a decade, easily.
Well, what the heck kind of a
marketing system can't get great new
products like that out to the public?
A veeeery good one, Harold. Free
market capitalism may not be a perfect
order, but it's the best we've got, or
will ever have. And why? Three
INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME
Most of the guests are women, gabbing and helping Helen
out as she removes a pot roast from the oven and busily
jumps around the kitchen.
WOMAN GUEST #2
Say, Helen? What does Calvin think
about this trouble down in Cuba?
(rolling her eyes)
Oh, please don't bring that up!
EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT, MOMENTS LATER
A late guest named RON hurries up the walkway and into
SCENE 8 OMITTED
INT. LIVING ROOM - A SECOND LATER
Calvin is with another guest.
I'd say my baseball card collection is
as complete as any one I've ever seen.
Ron pushes his way through the crowd.
Calvin! Hey, Calvin!
(pointing over his shoulder)
Kennedy's going toe-to-toe with
Khrushchev on the television!
Calvin immediately heads for the family room. Others
INT. FAMILY ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Everyone is huddled around the JFK TV press conference.
There seems to be a lot of smokers. Helen appears
shortly, wearing a hot pad mitten on each hand.
...this sudden, clandestine decision
to station strategic weapons for the
first time outside of Soviet soil, is
a deliberately provocative and
unjustified change in the status quo
which cannot be accepted by this
Calvin cuts a knowing look at Helen who dutifully returns
EXT. JET - NIGHT
The plane swoops over the Valley and we see the
spectacular lights of L.A. sprawl. There is a TRAIL OF
SPARKS coming from the jet's engine.
INT. JET COCKPIT
The plane is shaking terribly and the pilot is having a
very hard time controlling it.
Wolf One -- say intentions.
I've got secondaries of an engine fire
and I'll need to find a clear area to
Roger, Wolf One. Can you make it to
The trembling plane circles to the west.
INT. FAMILY ROOM
Return to TV.
...we will not prematurely or
unnecessarily risk the cost of
worldwide nuclear war, in which even
the fruits of victory would be ashes
in our mouth. But neither will we
shrink from the risk at any time it
must be faced.
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT/ EXT. HOUSE, MOMENTS LATER
To Helen's embarrassment, Calvin is ushering all the
guests to the front door. Helen is passing out hats and
purses. She and Calvin speak simultaneously - somewhere
in the middle we cut outside.
I'm sorry everyone, but given this
extraordinary turn of events, I think
it's prudent that we cut the evening
short. I'm sure this Cuban thing will
resolve itself, but in the
meantime...I'd suggest taking a
prayerful watch-and-wait stance!
We'll do this again! Maybe next week.
Here's your hat. Could I wrap
something up for you? Did you have a
Helen can barely get a "good night" out before Calvin
shuts the door.
ANGLE - DAVE AND BOB
Following their wives out.
(sotto to Bob)
What'd I tell ya?!
Bob whistles softly. Calvin's a nut all right.
INT. FRONT DOOR
Calvin turns to Helen, a grave expression on his face.
(misinterpreting, holding her
Time? Oh, no Calvin. It's not time
yet. I still have--
He points down.
Oh, that time! You know Calvin, I'm
not sure I'm really ready for this.
On the contrary, I think we're the
only ones who are.
He leads her out of shot.
Calvin I'm sure everything's going to
be all right. I just know it is!
EXT. BACKYARD - MOMENTS LATER
Calvin and Helen leave the house; cross the patio; and
hurry to the shop. Back in the house, the record player
has been left on: "How Much Is That Doggie In The
Window...?" Helen is carrying the pot roast which is
wrapped in foil.
Well, I'm certainly not going to let
the pot roast go to waste. Could you
just put that seat cover back on that
Shouldn't we at least turn off the
It shuts off automatically.
Did you rig it to do that? You're so
No. They all do.
I never know anymore.
The SOUND OF THE TRAINER JET makes a low pass over
Calvin's house. Calvin sticks his head out the door and
I bet that's a fighter jet on his way
to Key West! Good luck, amigo!
They enter. The place is full of tools and gadgets--
mostly construction equipment. The ham radio is still on.
An emergency has been declared. I
repeat, an emergency has been
Calvin and Helen speak over the Tower who is telling
other aircraft in the vicinity to clear the area.
You hear that?!
Calvin unplugs the radio and quickly wraps the cord.
We can listen to the rest downstairs!
He pushes aside a table that is hiding a hatch in the
floor and unlocks it by turning the hatch's wheel. Then
he opens the hatch and reaches inside to turn on a light.
Red submarine light shines up from below. All the while
he and Helen are chatting:
Calvin, I wish you would have at least
let me do the dishes. It's not going
to be that easy getting all that dried-
on food off my nice plates.
I just hope those plates aren't
radioactive by tomorrow morning.
Cheese is particularly troublesome.
Worse than your Kraft Holiday dip?
Oh, much worse. But not as bad as that
Mexican Jumping Bean dip. You remember
Yeah, yeah. Okay. Give me the roast
and watch your step. I'll come back
for the radio.
She steps into the hatch and onto a ladder.
INT. JET - NIGHT
The young pilot is bouncing around the now smokey
Tower, say again!!
The SAR HELO is airborne with you in
I'm marking the 180 radial for five
Roger, Wolf One.
The pilot rights the plane; points the joy stick; and
reaches for the ejection handles between his legs.
The pilot ejects.
INT. EMPTY COCKPIT
This is the pilot's POV (were there a pilot.) We see the
coastline and we notice that the plane is making a... U-
turn, away from the water and back towards the Valley.
Streaking back to the Valley with a dramatic tail of
EXT. THE PARACHUTING PILOT
He notices that his plane is headed directly at him. It
misses him by a matter of yards.
INT. LADDER - CONTINUOUS
Taking the liberty of a CUTAWAY SECTION, we follow them
down the ladder which is inside a corrugated metal tube.
On either side of the tube we see layers of dirt.
How long will we have to stay down
I don't know. For this thing to blow
over, it could take days.
Rather safe than sorry. That's my
But, what if I go into labor? That
could happen any time.
I've read up on it. I'll deliver the
baby myself if I have to.
Now you listen to me Calvin Webber,
when this baby comes, you're going to
be out in the waiting
room smoking yourself to death with
all the other fathers.
As long as we've got that straight.
EXT. JET - SAME TIME
It COMPLETES ITS TURN and STREAKS SKYWARD at a 90 degree
angle to the ground... until it SPUTTERS and the ENGINES
STOP. Then, after a Road Runner-like beat or two, it
begins to FALL DIRECTLY BACK TO EARTH, tail first.
INT. SMALL ANTEROOM - SAME TIME
The Webbers step off a metal ladder and face a vault-like
chrome hatchway. Calvin opens the six-inch thick door by
pushing another switch on his small box. Helen takes the
EXT. JET - NIGHT
With only the sound of wind, the jet continues to fall as
the lights of the Valley rush up to meet it.
INT. SHELTER - CONTINUOUS
They step into a darkened room.
(with arms spread)
Home sweet home!
To you maybe.
Calvin flicks a wall switch and we HEAR A SERIES OF
LIGHTS COMING ON. The echoes of the sounds suggest a
large, cavernous space. All we can see is the cinder
block wall behind them and the hatch door, which Calvin
begins to shut by putting his body into it.
Just then there is a TREMENDOUS DOUBLE EXPLOSION FROM
ABOVE which knocks them to the floor. (Note: Helen hangs
on to the roast, trying her best not to drop it.) The
LADDER, CORRUGATED TUBE, ROOF, AND LOTS OR DIRT AND ROCK
BEGIN TO CRASH DOWN INTO THE ANTEROOM. Calvin struggles
to his feet and gets the vault door shut just in the nick
What was that?!
Are you all right?!
Hanging on to the roast she nods vigorously, trying to be
Yes, I think so.
Calvin hurries to a bright RED METAL BOX on the wall.
Next to the box is a LARGE THERMOMETER OR GAUGE that's
labeled "Radiation Count." There are OTHER GAUGES that
are dropping to zero.
Oh, no! It's happened! Look at that
heat!! All my surface indicators are
knocked out! Oh, my Lord...it's
INTER CUT - CU OF BOX AND THERMOMETER
The box has a dial on it, next to which is a large lever.
A foreboding sign reads HATCHWAY TIME LOCKS, USE EXTREME
CAUTION. Calvin pulls the lever.
BACK TO SCENE
The chrome and steel EXIT HATCHWAY AUTOMATICALLY LOCKS
with great noise, precision and...finality. There is the
SOUND OF A REAR DOOR doing the same thing.
What's that noise?
To keep us from trying to leave. After
an atomic blast there's a radiation
half-life that lasts thirty five
Thirty -five years!
Then after that it's safe.
She continues to stare at him.
To go up.
To go up.
She continues to stare at him.
Hey, honey. Don't you worry. We're
going to be just fine.
Helen bursts into tears.
EXT WEBBER PATIO - DAY
Two police detectives, LEVY and ATKINSON, exit the house.
Uniformed workers carefully carry small pieces of the jet
from the crash site. The detectives lead us to what's
left of Calvin's shop. It's mostly a charred crater.
According to Caltech, this Webber guy
was a bonafide genius and a borderline
Well, he and Mrs. Nutcase must have
been out here when the plane hit.
Unless we get a postcard or somethin',
that's my guess.
What about relatives?
All back East.
The neighbors over there said the guy
spent day and night out here. She'd
bring him sandwiches and hot Dr.
He drank it hot?
INT. MASTER BEDROOM - SAME TIME (12 HOURS AFTER BLAST)
Helen awakes alone and still dressed. She sits up and
trys the phone on the night table. It is dead. She hangs
up and exits.
INT. KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM/PATIO
Calvin is making sandwiches from the pot roast. Two empty
Doctor Pepper bottles sit next to the stove where Calvin
is heating the soda. He sees Helen enter the livingroom.
Hi, honey! Feeling better?
We have to be strong, sweetheart. If
not for ourselves, for the child.
All our friends...
He enters with her sandwich and a cup of Dr. Pepper.
Burnt to a crisp.
I've given you the most well-done cut.
I'm not hungry.
Hot Dr. Pepper! Your favorite!
No, Calvin, you're favorite.
She walks out onto the patio. She rubs her arms as if
A bit chilly? Shouldn't be.
Temperature's a nice 73 degrees.
He follows her out to the patio.
Maybe I've just got the creeps.
How could you?! This is just like
A reverse angle shows for the first time the rest of the
fallout shelter -- which looks very different from
"home". Perhaps she starts to cry again.
No. No! Calvin, this is different!
Would you like a tranquilizer?
You have tranquilizers?
I told you! I've got everything!
Helen groans in pain.
Uh, oh. Now it's time.
SCENE 29B OMITTED
SCENE 29C OMITTED
SCENE 29D OMITTED
SCENE 29E OMITTED
INT. VERY WIDE OF THE SHELTER - HOURS LATER
We can only hear Adam's entrance into the world. There is
Helen's pain, followed by Adam's cry, followed by
The first child to be born on earth
after the annihilation!!
INT. SHELTER - DAYS LATER
SUPER: SEVERAL DAYS LATER
Start on the record player in the living room. The
country and western classic "Hey, Good Looking" is
OMIT SCENE 30
INT. SHELTER, BATTERY ROOM - SAME TIME
Calvin walks through checking things over; pleased by
what he sees. He exits. ("Hey Good Looking" continues.)
INT. SHELTER, FISH FARM - CONTINUOUS
Calvin checks the switch he uses to control the lights.
Then he checks out all the tiny fish swimming in the six
feet by six feet tank. When he hears a baby's cry he
hurries away.(Music continues)
INT. SHELTER, MASTER BEDROOM
Calvin enters and smiles with great affection at his
family: Helen and a NEWBORN SON cradled next to her in
Is there a problem?
No, Calvin. Babies cry.
What shall we call him?
Well, I was thinking...in light of the
situation...that we should call him
Adam. That's not sacrilegious is it?
No. I think it's just right.
And I was wondering...if...if I could
If I...you know...
What? Whatever you want, Helen!
She points upwards.
I want a bedroom ceiling.
They both look up. Then he tells her.
You've got it!
Calvin happily gives her his patented thumbs-up sign.
A MONTAGE: 1) CALVIN , IN A LARGE SUPPLY ROOM, PICKS OUT
THE PLYWOOD HE'LL NEED FOR THE CEILINGS. ( 60'S HAPPY,
BUSY SCORE COVERS ALL THIS.)
2) HELEN, CARRIES LITTLE ADAM (THREE DAYS OLD) ONTO THE
FAKE PATIO (WITH THE PLASTIC PLANTS AND THE PLASTIC
GRASS). SHE LOOKS UP AT CALVIN WHO'S ON A LADDER
INSTALLING A CEILING.
SUPER: SEVERAL WEEKS LATER
3) IN THE FAMILY ROOM, CALVIN SHOWS HELEN HOW HE'S RIGGED
A PROJECTOR TO THROW A PICTURE ONTO THE TV SCREEN. SHE'S
THRILLED TO SEE "THE HONEYMOONERS!" MAIN TITLES COME ON.
ADAM, LYING ON A QUILT BY HELEN'S CHAIR, IS ABOUT FOUR
WEEKS OLD. (IT'S IMPORTANT HERE THAT WE SEE A 8MM FILM
BOX WITH THE "I LOVE LUCY" LOGO ON IT)
SUPER: SEVERAL MONTHS LATER
4) TOTAL DARKNESS. THEN CALVIN FLICKS A SWITCH AND A BANK
OF OVERHEAD LIGHTS COMES ON TO SIMULATE SUNLIGHT. UNDER
THE LIGHTS ARE SOIL BEDS ON WOODEN TABLES. CALVIN IS
EXCITED TO SHOW HELEN THE TINY, YOUNG CARROTS COMING UP.
HELEN HOLDS ADAM AT THREE MONTHS OLD.
SUPER: A YEAR LATER
5) IN THE DINING ROOM, HELEN IS SERVING POT ROAST AND
SOME VERY NICE LOOKING CARROTS. ADAM IS SIX MONTHS OLD.
HE WATCHES HIS PARENTS AS THEY SAY GRACE.
6) HELEN "SHOPS" FOR SUPPLIES IN THE LARGE STOREROOM.
ADAM, ONE YEAR OLD, RIDES IN THE SHOPPING CART.(1963)
7) CALVIN NETS A WIGGLING, FULLY GROWN FISH.
8) THE FAMILY WATCHES "THE HONEYMOONERS" TOGETHER. (ADAM
IS STILL ONE YEAR OLD.)
CALVIN ENJOYS HIS PIPE IN THE LIVINGROOM
9) CALVIN EXAMINES THE REAR HATCHWAY AS HELEN APPROACHES
WITH ADAM IN HER ARMS.
We looked all over for you. What are
you doing back here?
Oh, I was just examining this rear
(then, off her look)
Well, it's pretty clear that the front
entrance caved in when the bomb went
off. So, you know, when the time is
up, we'll have to return to the
surface using, you know, this back
entrance. Which is very nice because
it has the service elevator!
Very nice. Unless it caved in, too.
Yes. Well... yes.
A sober beat, then:
You wanted to see me?
Helen nods vigorously.
She sets Adam (one year old) down on his wobbly little
legs, steadying him at the shoulders.
Go to Daddy, Adam. Go to Daddy.
And Adam takes his first step. And then another! And
another! It's a joyous event.
CAMERA LEAVES THEM AND TRAVELS UPWARD THROUGH THE CEILING
AND THEN, AGAIN USING THE DEVICE OF A CUTAWAY, IT
CONTINUES THROUGH DIRT AND SEDIMENT ALL THE WAY UP TO THE
SURFACE-- WHERE THE BACKYARD AVOCADO TREES ARE BEING
BULLDOZED AND THE BACK FENCE HAS ALREADY BEEN TORN DOWN.
THE WEBBER HOUSE FACED A QUIET RESIDENTIAL STREET, BUT IT
BACKED ONTO VICTORY AVENUE (OR ONE OF THOSE VALLEY
AVENUES) AND IN THE LATE FIFTIES AND EARLY SIXTIES THOSE
MAIN THOROUGHFARES WENT COMMERCIAL.
A SIGN tells us that this is the future site of MOM'S
Some WORKMEN with shovels have discovered the REAR
SHELTER DOORS where they have been digging.
The construction BOSS comes over for a look.
What do you make of this?
Damn if I know.
I bet it's some kinda septic tank.
I've never seen a septic tank that
looked like that.
Well, don't fool with it. If it is a
septic tank, I sure as hell don't want
to open it. We'll just lay the
foundation over it.
EXT. WEBBER HOUSE, PATIO (THE REAL ONE) - DAY, SAME TIME
A Realtor steps out with A COUPLE looking to buy the
...and since it's almost certain that
the Webbers were killed, the bank is
selling the house and that back parcel
over there that's been re-zoned
commercial. It's right there on the
Is that where the plane crashed?
She points out to a LEVEL LAWN where the shop used to be.
We can see the Malt Shop construction crew beyond that.
Yep, right there.
This place gives me the willies.
Yeah, I know what you mean. But the
price is right.
EXT. BACK AT THE MALT SHOP CONSTRUCTION SIGHT -
The guy driving the heavy front loader lets the bucket
slam to the ground hard.
INT. BACK AT THE SHELTER REAR DOOR - CONTINUOUS
Calvin vaguely hears the noise made by the front loader.
INT. SHELTER, LIVING ROOM - EVENING (1965-66)
Calvin smokes his pipe and enjoys a Manhattan cocktail as
Adam (three and a half) sits in his lap reading the title
page from Alice in Wonderland.
Al ice in won der lan.
Calvin smiles pridefully over at Helen who works
intensely on the couch making a coffee-can Santa from
instructions in the The Redbook Crafts Collection.
Not bad for a three and a half year
old! I'd like to see the public school
system match that! I don't care how
terrific it is!
Yes, he's very bright, dear. Much like
his father. But you know, Calvin,
maybe he's a little...young for
Nonsense. People have no idea what the
human mind is capable of. Look at us!
Helen ponders that statement.
(pointing to the book's art
Look, Daddy. Alice went down a hole,
just like us.
Calvin smiles and messes up Adam's hair.
Will I ever get to go up on top?
Yes, you certainly will. And you'll
find a nice girl and rebuild America.
Just the way it used to be.
Oh, Calvin, I'm not sure we should be
making promises that perhaps can't be
I believe there will be other
survivors. In fact, I'm guessing
there's life on the surface, even now.
It's not life worth living perhaps,
but believe me, something's moving
around up there. And I don't just mean
They both look nervously up at the ceiling.
EXT. MOM'S MALT SHOP (NOW FINISHED) - DAY (1965-66)
CARS PASS BY on the busy avenue.
INT. MOM'S MALT SHOP - CONTINUOUS
CLEAN CUT SURFER KIDS are being served their favorite ice-
cream and malt treats by MOM herself and a young SODA
JERK. Appropriate music comes from the jukebox.
I'm going to need two more banana-
splits and a cherry coke!
You bet, Mom! Coming up!
Two YOUNG MEN IN BEATLE HAIRCUTS enter. Everyone looks at
them in amazement. (Perhaps there is also a record change
INT. SHELTER, CLASSROOM - DAY (65-66)
Calvin is building and furnishing a classroom from
materials available to him. He has had the forethought to
bring down the books needed for his child's education.
Little Adam is watching him.
Nothing in the world is more fun than
learning new things.
INT. FAMILY ROOM - NIGHT
The family watches the same "Honeymooner" clip they
watched before. Calvin still finds it funny. Helen
wonders about that.
INT. BEDROOM - LATER
Helen is pouring cooking sherry into an empty Listerine
EXT. MALT SHOP - DAY (1970-71)
Other buildings have been constructed around the malt
shop. Foot and car traffic are heavier.
INT. MALT SHOP - SAME TIME
The clean-cut kids have been replaced by FLOWER CHILDREN.
Mom hasn't put a lot back into the decor, but she has
made concessions to the fashions of the time. The jukebox
plays something appropriate. Mom and the Jerk are five
I can't tell the boys from the girls
Uh...yeah. It's like hard.
Mom gives the Jerk a suspicious look.
INT. SHELTER - DAY (1970-71)
Calvin (40) is giving Adam (8) a boxing lesson. They work
from a "How To" book and use gloves made from living room
pillows. Adam's pretty good. Helen appears and watches
with pride. Then she interupts.
Boys! Excuse me, but I believe it's my
(holding out her hand)
He goes to her.
INT. SHELTER - MINUTES LATER
The hydroponic garden area is empty. A Perry Como song
begins and Adam and Helen enter waltzing. Adam has
changed shirts and combed his hair. Somewhere, Calvin is
watching with pride. After a while Calvin cuts in. He and
Helen dance beautifully. Then they kiss. Somewhere, Adam
is watching with pride.
INT. MALT SHOP - DAY (1975-76)
The place continues its decline. Acid rock plays loudly.
Mom and the Jerk serve the smallish crowd.
I miss those nice flower-power kids.
How 'bout you?
(after studying her for some
The acid rock song ends and an early, bad disco hit comes
on the jukebox.
What the hell kind of music is that?!
The Jerk puts his hands to his ears, he so hates the new
Oh, man. I'm like not sure I like
INT. SHELTER, CLASSROOM (1975-76)
The room looks like Ricky Nelson's class. There are twin
pictures of Ike and JFK on the wall. Adam is eleven.
This is what money looks like. It
comes like this, in coin, or like this
in paper. Or you can have an
"investment." These are stock
"certificates" that we bought in your
name. Of course, they're worthless
now, but at one time they were quite
They're pretty. Can I have them?
Sure. Now, let's move on to our French
Latin exam, Dad. It's Tuesday.
You're right! It's Tuesday already!
By gosh, time flies, doesn't it?!
En arte voluptus.
Que les bons temps roulÈ!
Gerade aus dann links!
Sorgen sie bitte dafur das die gepack
sorgfaltic behandeldt warren!
Haben sie etuas nettes in leder?!
You know, you have a wonderful sense
of humor, son! I must say, the acorn
doesn't fall very far from the tree.
By the way, it's time I gave you
something. Come with me.
Adam follows his dad out.
INT. SHUFFLEBOARD COURT - CONTINUOUS
They pass Helen who is absentmindedly poking at the puck
with a stick. She's not having a very good day. She wears
her hair dryer but it's not plugged in.
INT. BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Calvin hands Adam a cigar box. Adam opens it to see
Calvin's remarkable baseball card collection.
These are wonderful.
It's my entire baseball collection.
It's yours now.
It's a game, son. I can explain it
pretty easily. There's a pitcher.
Like a painting?
No, son. A pitcher.
Like one of Mom's?
Uh, no. There's a man who throws the
ball -- to a man who has a bat.
The nocturnal flying mammal?
No. Sit down.
INT. SHELTER - NIGHT
Start close on flashing roller skates. Then cut wider to
show Adam roller skating. He passes Helen who has fallen
asleep knitting in one of the lawn chairs. Then Adam
passes Calvin who is on a ladder soldering a leaking
EXT. MALT SHOP - DAY (1991)
TWO PUNKS with spiked green hair enter to the strains of
INT. MALT SHOP - DAY (1991)
Mom watches the punks enter. Then crosses to the Soda
Jerk who now has a tattoo on his forehead.
I'm selling this place. I want out of
this hell hole!
Could I, like...oh, wow...like,uh...
Buy it from me?
Yeah! Yeah, that's it!
I'll give it to ya, no money down.
The neighborhood has gone to hell
She walks off.
INT. KITCHEN (1995)
Helen has prepared a birthday cake. Having no birthday
candles, she's used three votive candles. We can hear
Calvin and Adam talking in the dining room. (She and
Calvin are now in their 60's.)
No, no! The runner on second goes to
third! He's out there!
Because he's forced out at third! It's
Then why go there?
Because he must!
Get the presents and do the lights.
Calvin leaves while Helen lights the candles. The whole
shelter goes dark. Calvin returns with two presents
wrapped in whatever is available.
INT. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Helen and Calvin enter singing Happy Birthday. We see the
ADULT ADAM for the first time in silhouette. His handsome
face is revealed to us when the cake is placed before
Thank you, Mom! Thanks, Dad!
Blow out the candles!
Make a wish!
He does both. His parents clap. Helen takes one of the
presents from Calvin and gives it to Adam. He unwraps it.
It's a green coat.
Oh, boy! A jacket!
Your mom made that all by herself.
(aside, to Calvin)
Who else would have done it?
And I made these!
He gives Adam the second present. Adam tears off the
paper to find a pair of roller-skates that Calvin has
redesigned. The new skates look kind of like
Holy Cow! What the heck are these?!
Your roller-skates! I redesigned them!
I think this new design will work even
These are really swell! I mean swell!
What did you wish for, Adam?
If he tells, it won't come true!
Oh, that's just a bunch of baloney! We
never believed that in my family!
Well, we did in my family!
I wished I could meet a girl.
His parents don't have a reply for that.
Oh. A nice one, I hope.
One who doesn't glow in the dark.
Calvin Webber! What a thing to say!
Well, we'll be going up in two years.
We'll know then. I'm very hopeful.
His parents stare at him for a beat, then:
Let's eat our cake.
Yeah. Let's dig in!
You never know. You may someday dine
at the White House with the president.
If we still have one.
You know, when we do go up...I'm going
to miss this old place. How 'bout you,
(after a beat)
Would you excuse me?
Helen rises and exits.
SCENE 48 OMITTED
SCENE 49 OMITTED
SCENE 50 OMITTED
SCENE 51 OMITTED
SCENE 52 OMITTED
SCENE 53 OMITTED
SCENE 54 OMITTED
SCENE 55 OMITTED
SCENE 56 OMITTED
SCENE 57 OMITTED
SCENE 58 OMITTED
INT. BATTERY ROOM- LATER, SAME NIGHT
Helen enters and goes into the generator room. Through
the glass we can see (and hear) her scream. Straightening
her hair and feeling much better, she exits as Calvin
strolls by wearing his tool belt. She's headed out.
In the generator room again?
Oh, yes. It just fascinates me how
all these things work.
I know exactly what you mean!
She turns to him. He gives her his patented thumbs up
She smiles wanely and leaves. He shuts the generator door
she left open.
SCENE 60 OMITTED
SCENE 61 OMITTED
INT.SHELTER, LIVING ROOM - VERY EARLY MORNING
SUPER: THE PRESENT
The room is quiet and empty. The star-burst WALL CLOCK
on the paneling says 6:15.
INT. SHELTER, KITCHEN - SAME TIME
INT. STOREROOM - SAME TIME
Also empty. And with MEAGER SUPPLIES on the shelves.
INT. POWER AND PUMP ROOM - SAME TIME
The old pipes are rusted and patched. Some are leaking
INT. MASTER BEDROOM - SAME TIME
Calvin wakes up. He looks over at Helen's bed.
ANGLE - HELEN
She wakes up. Then jumps out of bed.
SCENE 67 OMITTED
CLOSE ON THE RED METAL BOX
that has been ticking on the wall for thirty-five years.
Suddenly it STOPS TICKING and a rather annoying ALARM
GOES OFF. Calvin's hand reaches up and turns it off by
throwing the lever up.
ANOTHER ANGLE shows us the mechanism on the FRONT
HATCHWAY switch to OPEN with a loud, vault-like move.
reveals the family in their pajamas standing in front of
the front hatchway and red box.
So...we just open this door and go up?
Calvin grabs a handle and using all his strength, opens
the front entrance hatch. And then must jump back when
nothing but earth and rock pour into the room.
Um...is that supposed to happen?
His parents take a beat then race off like maniacs
through the entire shelter to the back hatch door. They
knock over whatever gets in their way as they go. Adam
Hey, where are we going?! Is
everything all right?!
INT. BACK HATCHWAY - MOMENTS LATER
Calvin and Helen arrive followed by Adam who can't
possibly share his parent's deep concerns. Everyone is
out of breath.
Should we say a little prayer first?
Just open the door.
Calvin attempts to open the big hatch, but can't. Adam
helps him. Helen pitches in. Slowly, with lots of
squeaking, the DOOR OPENS. He steps through the hatch and
flips a wall switch. Red submarine LIGHTS COME ON....
And the service elevator is intact.
INT. ANTEROOM - CONTINUOUS
Helen steps through and embraces Calvin joyfully. The
old folks break into a dance as Adam enters.
Well, do we just go on up?!
(quickly back to business,
and way too dramatic)
No, son! We wait for night. Now...is
precisely when... we must be at our...
(barely a whisper, but
definitely tired of his
Helen's eyes widen and her hand flies up to her mouth.
She is just as shocked as Calvin.
Helen-Thomas-Webber! Maybe we have
been down here a little too long!
Please excuse her French.
Shit is a French word?
Yes, yes it is!
It's an archaic colloquialism, roughly
Yes! That's right!
There is a pause, then:
C'est bon, Monsieur.
SCENE 71 OMITTED
EXT. THE MALT SHOP - NIGHT
Cars flash by in a rare L.A. DOWNPOUR. All that's left
of Mom's is an EMPTY BUILDING with a painted-out front
window and a "For Sale or Rent" sign. There's ANOTHER
SHOP attached to it CAMERA RIGHT but we can't see what it
is. The alley way on the left has always been there.
INT. MALT SHOP - CONTINUOUS
TWO DRUNK BUMS are sharing a bottle. One of them is the
Soda Jerk, now a dissipated middle-aged man (with a
tattoo on his forehead.)
...all of these things...Alcoholics
There's a Heroin Anonymous?
Shut up! All of these things... ask
you to believe in a power greater than
yourself! Some sort of God on High!
Well...I have lifted my eyes skyward a
time or two... and I have certainly
not seen anything coming from up there
except a goddamn airplane -- that I
can't afford to get on!
The cement FLOOR of the old Malt Shop begins to QUIVER
Earthquake! Another earthquake!
Let her come! Let's get this over
with! And please, if there is a God,
let it be worse in Bel Air!!
The Other Bum staggers to his feet and SPLITS for a back
window. Soda Jerk is fearless. Until finally the
HYDRAULIC DOORS of the back entrance SPLIT THE FLOOR with
an eerie, struggling whine and LARGE CHUNKS OF CEMENT GO
FLYING. Then up comes RED SUBMARINE LIGHT followed by
Calvin in his BIG YELLOW SUIT with Geiger counter
Oh, God! Oh, God!! Oh,God, save me!!
For I have seen the light!!
Calvin raises his hand and yells through his mask.
I come in peace!!
The Soda Jerk FAINTS. Calvin, sounding like a deep sea
diver and having to walk like Frankenstein, goes over to
the Soda Jerk and studies his face in the light of his
flashlight. He is horrified by what he sees.
Calvin looks around the room and heads for the back. He
moves his Geiger counter around and gets a quiet (safe)
reading. Then he removes a KITCHEN MATCH from a plastic
container and strikes it against the wall. The MATCH
BURNS, so Calvin takes off his hood and visor and
breathes the air. It stinks in there.
EXT. MALT SHOP - MOMENTS LATER, RAINING
Calvin (out of the head gear and top of the suit) slowly
pushes the door open and steps out. He's surprised to
find an empty BODY SHOP behind the Malt Shop, where the
avocado trees should be.
Where is my backyard?
He points his flashlight around and heads for the ALLEY
to his left.
EXT. ALLEY - A MOMENT LATER, RAINING
DERELICT CARS left over from the Body Shop sit against a
fence. Calvin marvels at the cars, even in their present
condition. In a TIGHTER SHOT he studies the chrome-
plated word "Toyota." A HOMELESS MAN arrives to search
through the garbage. Calvin hurries back towards the
SCENE 76 OMITTED
EXT. MALT SHOP - TEN MINUTES LATER, RAIN
Calvin emerges from the alley that separates the Malt
Shop from another storefront (perhaps now a rundown Thai
CLOSER ON HIM
watching the cars fly by on the wet avenue. Suddenly, a
cross-dressing STREET WALKER steps up to him with a
You got a light, honey?
What?! A light! Yes, I've got a
Fumbling, he finally gets her little cigar lighted with
one of his kitchen matches.
So...you...survived the blast, did
The blast? Honey, I have survived a
host of things. Like the song says: "A
country boy can survive!"
Yes, yes, the song. So tell me...has
it been...hell up here?
"Hell up here?" Honey, it's been hell
up here, down there and over yonder!
Yes, I can tell that just looking
"Boy?" Did you say you were a
Cute Little Old Man, if you want a
boy, I can be a boy. And if you want
a girl, I can be a girl. I can be
anything you want me to be!
Uh-huh. And it's all yours for the
remarkably low price of only $200!
And if you act now, I might even throw
in some free lawn furniture.
(stumbling away from her)
No, I can't. I'm sorry! I have to
go! I have to...
He breaks into a trot, heading up the street past a seedy
BAR (used to be the convenience store) just as a
hopelessly DRUNK HAG of a woman is shoved out and told to
stay out. Calvin watches as the woman stumbles to the
curb where she TOSSES her cookies. TWO LOW RIDERS HOP BY
full of TAUNTING YOUNG HISPANIC GANG MEMBERS, one of whom
BRANDISHES A PISTOL and, just for fun, points it at
Calvin. When Calvin sees the pistol he ducks into the
ADULT BOOKSTORE. The young gang member pulls the trigger
and we (not Calvin) see that the realistic-looking pistol
is really a water gun.
INT. ADULT BOOK AND VIDEO STORE
Calvin races in and, gathering himself, addresses the
PAKISTANI MAN behind the counter.
Hello! How are you this evening?!
Mind if I, you know, browse around?!
The clerk just watches him.
Thank-Q very much!
Then Calvin turns and has his first look at the
material...and he GRABS HIS HEART and SCREAMS and FALLS
back KNOCKING OVER a whole ROW OF VIDEOS AND MAGAZINES.
INT. SHELTER, KITCHEN - AN HOUR LATER
Calvin sits at the breakfast table, still breathing hard
and holding his chest. His family looks on with great
concern. The anti-radiation suit and gear is piled in
I'm going to give it to you straight.
There's no point in beating around the
bush. There were survivors.
the fallout has created....a
subspecies of mutants.
It's not a pretty sight. Some eat out
of garbage cans. Others are...cover
your ears, Son, and hum. I mean that
literally and I mean right now!
ADAM covers his ears and hums.
Others are...multi-sexual. It
seems...they can be both masculine and
I don't believe it!
Helen copes by moving around the kitchen doing things
that don't need to be done.
Believe it. He tried to sell me his
They offer lawn furniture as a come
She slumps, then resumes her needless activity. Calvin
takes Adam's arm and the son drops his hands and stops
They've done a lot of re-building but
society, at least as we knew it, has
utterly collapsed. People throw up in
the streets. Others point guns.
There's something terribly wrong with
the automobiles and...and I...I can't
tell you the rest. I just can't.
Oh my. Oh,my, oh my, oh, my. So,
what do we do now?
We stay down here.
She hurries into the living room.
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Helen let's out a silent scream, then hurries back into
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
For how long? We've just about run
out of everything!
We'll make do. I'm of the opinion
that these mutants will eventually
kill each other off and then--
No, Calvin. We're not going to make
do. Not me! Not Adam. We're going
up no matter what! We deserve it.
Even if it's terrible!
Well, I am the head of this household--
I want him to at least see the sky!
--and we will--
And the ocean! A mountain range!
--do as I say!
Breathing heavily, Calvin suddenly clutches at his chest
in great pain and collapses.
Oh, no! Oh, my goodness! Let's get
him into the bedroom.
INT. HALLWAY - HOURS LATER
Adam paces. Then Helen comes out. Behind her, we can
see Calvin sleeping in his bed. She heads for the living
room. He follows.
He seems to be doing all right now. I
don't know if he's had a heart attack
or just... a horrifying experience.
But we need supplies and I've got to
stay with him.
I'll go up.
They go through the living room and cross to the patio.
I'm afraid you've got to.
I'll be all right.
(patting his cheek)
You're my brave boy.
Helen hands him a pencil and pad. Adam follows her to the
Just act normal. If anybody asks,
simply say you're from out-of-town,
and that you're in town on business.
Write that down.
I'm going to give you a shopping list
and some money. We need just enough
things to get us through the next year
or two. And you'll find most of these
items at what used to be called a
grocery store or a hardware store.
Write that down.
At the fish tank, Helen pulls up a slim chain that is
attached to a water-tight aluminum box which she quickly
opens. The box contains $6,000 in wrapped one hundred
dollar bills. Helen takes half of it.
I don't know how far you'll have to
travel to find supplies, but if you
can't get home by nightfall, I want
you to look for something called a
Holiday Inn. Write that down. It's a
hotel. There might still be one
Let's get you packed.
She heads back for the house. He follows.
I just hope this is still good up
I was thinking that, uh...you know,
while I was up there and all...that
maybe I could, you know...try to meet
a girl. I've, been thinking about
that a little...just these
last...fifteen years or so.
They have stopped by the garden.
Oh, Adam,that would be wonderful if
you could find a girl. One who's not a
mutant...and hopefully comes from
Pasadena. Nothing against Valley
but in my day anyhow, the girls from
Pasadena, I don't know...always just
seemed a little nicer.
Oh, there's also a thing called a
liquor store. Write that down.
INT. ADAM'S ROOM - AN HOUR LATER
He is packing. He looks at his cigar box and opens it. He
studies the contents: The Cards, stock certificates, and
an old photo of his parents. He decides to pack the box.
Helen enters with a long shopping list.
Here's the shopping list and $3,000
which should take care of everything.
Your father has a few final words for
you. You know, he'd fight a buzz saw
for you - he loves you so much. We
Heck, I know that mom! You're my
INT. MASTER BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Adam sets down his suitcase and goes to his father's bed.
He sits. At the door, Helen dries her eyes with her
apron. Calvin indicates that he wants to whisper to
Adam, who drops his ear close to his father's lips.
Adam...don't forget...don't forget ...
Yes, father?! Yes?
...the pipe tobacco.
Yes, sir. Is that all?
Calvin nods. Adam rises and starts for the door. But
Calvin remembers something and beckons him back to speak
weakly into his son's ear.
Also...stay out of the "Adult
Adult Bookstore. Why?
Poison gas. Invisible. Don't forget.
I promise. Is that all?
One more thing. If you find a healthy
young woman, bring her back with you.
And then Calvin closes his eyes and sleeps.
INT. MALT SHOP - SAME DAY
The Soda Jerk has turned the rear exit into a religious
shrine. He's put flowers and candles and costume jewelry
and religious icons (from all the Majors) on top of and
around the broken cement. Currently he's on his knees,
rocking back and forth as he prays.
And,lo! There came a rumbling even as from the very
bowels of the earth and a great light showed forth
followed by gates of armor which opened and shut and
delivered up the vision of a young man whose countenance
caused the Soda Jerk to be struck dumb and to fall on his
face and to weep in fear. And, Adam, taking pity on the
man, put down his suitcase, and went to him, saying:
Are you all right?
Yes! Yes! Oh, Lord! Yes, oh, yes!
But where is the one who came last
night -- all in yellow?!
All in yellow? Oh! That was my
Ooooohhhh!! Of course! The father!
Forgive me!! Can you forgive me for
my wasted life?! Everything has been
I know it has been terrible. But it
wasn't your fault. And now all the
decay is over with and things are
going to get better. You understand?
I've got to go, now.
Of course you do. I'll stay here and
(picking up his suitcase)
That's always a good idea! Would you
like some money? I have a great deal
No. I don't need money anymore -- I
see that now.
How do I leave here?
The front door is open. Will you be
Adam turns and leaves. The Soda Jerk falls to his knees
and shakes all over.
EXT. MALT SHOP - CONTINUOUS
Adam steps out onto the sidewalk and sunlight falls on
him much brighter than anything he has ever seen. He
looks at it on the arm of his coat and then, slowly, he
looks up at the sky.
INTERCUT - LOVELY CLOUDS AND BLUE SKY
And now it is Adam who is dumbstruck. BYSTANDER #1
appears and sees Adam looking up.
What? What is it?!
The sky? Where?
I don't see anything!
Adam becomes momentarily interested in a parking meter.
A MOTHER and her CHILD approach from the other direction.
What is it!
He sees something.
I see it, mommy!
Several more people are drawn over. A CONVERTIBLE goes by
in the foreground with passengers who are looking up.
What is it?
I have never in my life seen anything
like this!!!! Nothing even comes
Adam continues down the sidewalk,looking up. A BLACK
WOMAN POSTAL WORKER passes by.
Whatcha looking at?
Oh, my holy stars! A Negro!
(offering his hand)
How do you do, ma'am.
(leary, but taking his hand)
I do alright.
The Pakistani exits the Adult Bookstore.
What is it?! What do you see?!
When Adam looks down to answer the man he sees the "Adult
Poisonous gas!! Run for your life,
it's invisible poisonous gas!!!
And everyone does run away, including Adam. The avenue is
left totally deserted.
INT. KITCHEN NOOK - SAME DAY
Helen sits sipping tea, deep in thoughts of concern for
Adam. Behind her Calvin appears in the open window.
Helen is so startled she knocks the tea all over the
I just wanted to say that I think he's
going to be just fine.
(holding her heart)
Thank you, Calvin. Thank you very
Calvin leaves, then comes back.
Yes, dear, I know.
SCENE 85A OMITTED
EXT. CORNER BUS STOP - AFTERNOON, SAME DAY
An L.A. bus comes directly at CAMERA.
ANGLE - THE DRIVER
is startled. He reacts.
ANGLE - DRIVER'S FOOT
slamming down the brake pedal.
ANGLE - ADAM
in profile. The braking bus stops an inch from his nose.
Adam smiles. (Have him head for bus door in this angle.)
ANGLE - THE DRIVER
from over Adam. He is in shock.
INT. BUS - A MOMENT LATER
Start on a MOVING STEADY CAM SHOT on Adam's POV of bus
passengers as he heads for a seat. The passengers look at
him in amazement and some fear.
ANGLE - ADAM
going to his seat; smiling at the passengers. (He is
carrying a $100 bill.)
Hello! Hi. Good afternoon! Howdy.
Adam finds a seat next to a heavily perspiring young
PSYCHO HEROIN ADDICT.
ANOTHER ANGLE OF THEM
Adam shows the Psycho the $100 bill.
I tried to give the driver this but he
wouldn't take it. He seems angry. A
lot of people do.
The bus pulls out. It gets up to about twenty miles an
Oh, boy! Here we go! We're moving!
looking back at Adam with concern.
So this is public transportation. My
Dad says that it becomes more and more
important because of pollution --
which is more and more carbon dioxide
and other hazardous gases in the air.
Do you have a gun, by the way?
The increasingly nervous Psycho looks around, then nods
that he does.
Well, thanks for not waving it around.
And for not vomitting, for that
matter. Wow, we're really flying. Say,
do you know where I could find a
The psycho shakes his head.
I have to find that. And a hardware
store and a liquour store and a
standing Holiday Inn. Although, I may
not need the Holiday Inn. That's still
kind of up in the air. It depends
really on how things go.
There's a grocery store coming up.
Driver! Please stop the bus
immediately! I have to get off!
(then an aside to the psycho)
Do you think I should get a gun?
I don't know...maybe.
(back to driver)
Driver! Please stop, sir!
INTERCUT - DRIVER IN THE REAR VIEW
He's not going to stop until he wants to stop.
ANGLE - OLD JEWISH COUPLE PASSENGERS.
who are anxious for Adam to leave.
OLD JEWISH MAN
For the love of God! Let him off the
bus!! Can't you see he's meshugina!
Adam leans in close to the OLD MAN.
I'm sorry, what did you call me?
The man and his wife take that the wrong way and start to
ANGLE - THE DRIVER'S FOOT
hitting the brakes.
stopping suddenly. Through the windows we see Adam go
INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS
The back door opens as Adam gets up.
Thank you, driver! Good-bye, everyone!
Adam exits the bus. Everyone, including the Psycho,
heaves a huge sign of relief.
INT. SUPER MARKET - MINUTES LATER
Adam enters and (after getting over the automatic doors
and the check-out technology) is overwhelmed by the
magnificence of the postmodern California supermarket.
The check-out counters alone are amazing. Seeing others
do it, he takes a cart, placing his suitcase in it.
INT. BAKERY COUNTER
Adam passes the baked goods, paying particular attention
to the elaborate birthday cakes.
Is that a birthday cake?!
Yes, it is.
Adam leaves. The clerk turns to a fellow worker.
Adam marvels at the abundance and variety. He passes a
mother whose child is riding in the cart and that reminds
him of his own mom -- when she used to let him ride that
way. Then he is surprised to see a MIDDLE-AGED COUPLE so
casually dressed in public. She (overweight) is in an
unfortunate terrycloth halter-shorts combination. He
(hirsute) is in a sleeveless undershirt and baggy bathing
My first mutants.
INT. FRESH PRODUCE
Adam picks up one of those huge California cucumbers that
always amaze Easterners. He shows it to the JAPANESE-
Is this because of the radiation?
INT. MEAT COUNTER
Adam is looking at the live lobsters as a BUTCHER steps
(consulting his Mom's list)
I'm looking for all beef patties.
Fresh or frozen?
Adam chuckles because he thinks the man is kidding.
Come on. Frozen. How much are they?
Frozen, they're six-thirty a dozen in
the three pound box.
Then I'll need, twelve into nine
hundred, seventy-five boxes. And
that's almost...five hundred dollars
just for the hamburger! And my Mom
only gave me three thousand dollars
for everything! The yacht batteries!
The diesel oil! The birthday candles!
You could have a meat order that big
delivered to your home.
Well, that's great then!
Terrific...except...it just occurred
to me. I don't know where I live! I'm
lost! I don't know where home is!
Would you excuse me?
Adam hurries away.
SCENE 93 OMITTED
SCENE 94 OMITTED
of Adam on another bus. He looks frantically out the
window. We see his POV of shops and stores and people. At
one point he sees two women joggers which he wonders
about. Then he sees two men arguing violently. Gradually
late day turns to night and Adam becomes more and more
depressed. Then he sees something. He is elated. He jumps
up and tells the driver:
Driver! Stop this bus immediately!
EXT. - VENTURA BLVD - NIGHT
The bus stops mid-block and Adam gets off. He crosses the
street causing only one car to hit the brakes. On the
other side of the avenue we see what has gotten his
attention. It's an ADULT BOOKSTORE much like the last one
we saw (probably owned by the same chain.) He's happy but
when he looks next door he sees he's in a different
place. Sad and lost he turns north and starts to walk
until -- a billboard catches his attention. We pan up to
see a billboard for liposuction that features an almost
NUDE WOMAN. Adam is struck by the image and we spend some
time cutting between him and it. Then gathering himself
he turns and begins to walk south.
of him as he passes a BODY PIERCING STORE and wonders
about that. Then he sees something that blows his mind.
of a STRAY DOG passing by. Adam reacts.
Oh my. Oh, my goodness gracious! Oh,
my...Oh. That is so great!! Man alive!
ANGLE - CU OF BASEBALL CARDS STORE WINDOW
A sign says: COMIC BOOKS & BASEBALL CARDS BOUGHT, SOLD &
INT. CARD AND COMIC STORE - MOMENTS LATER
Adam enters with his suitcase in one hand and his cigar
box in the other. He steps up to the counter where the
owner (JERRY) sits reading the newspaper. He has a
fondness for Navajo jewelry.
(gives him a look, then goes
back to reading)
A YOUNG WOMAN enters from the back of the store and goes
to another counter. Neither man notices.
The name is Adam Webber and I see you
buy baseball cards and although these
are a lot older than the ones in the
window, I was hoping you still might
He flips open the cigar box to reveal to Jerry riches
beyond his wildest dreams. Jerry actually moans and then
must pretend the moan was a cough.
How--how much do you want for the
Mickey Mantle, rookie season?
I was thinking of selling all the
Really? No kidding?
He reaches in and looks through the cards.
See, my problem is, all I have are
hundred dollar bills and I need
something smaller. Ones, fives, tens.
I see what ya mean. Tell you
what...I'll give you five hundred
dollars in small bills for the whole
Oh, that would be wonderful!
Well, we're here to help!
A woman steps into the shot. She has come from the back
of the store and her back is momentarily to us.
Adam turns to her and is immediately awe struck. We
reveal EVE RUSTOKOV. She tosses her lipstick into her
purse. Eve works in the card shop and is on her way out.
I'm workin' here, Evey-poo. Don't
screw me up.
Bon soir, mademoiselle!
Are you French?
(then, thinking fast)
I'm from out of town.
(then sensing the need for
I'm here on business.
Well, your business must not be sports
memorabilia, because this one Mantle
card right here--
(holds up a card)
--is worth six thousand dollars all by
its little self.
Get out of here!
No, you get out of here.
She closes his cigar box and gives it to him.
Terrific...you're fired! You know
No, ferry--excuse me, Jerry, I quit.
She walks back to the counter to get her coat.
Oh, no! I fired ya! Just like the hair
salon guy and the Chevy dealer! You
know why you can't keep a goddamn
job?! Because you can't keep your
goddamn mouth shut! That's why!
Jerry is surprised when Adam suddenly takes his arm
Sir? I would really appreciate it if
you wouldn't take the Lord's name in
(looking at Adam's hand)
Oh, you got a problem with that?
I have a big problem with that.
Eve sees a fist fight coming. She takes Adam by the arm.
Come on, Heathcliff, I'll walk you to
Yes, ma'am. But my name is Adam.
Just come on.
They head for the door and exit.
Hah! Adam and Eve! The perfect
match! I hope you two will be very
happy together! Mazel-fuckin'-tov!
Don't try coming back, Ms. Big Shot!
I'm serious this time! You're finished
in the hobby business! Take that to
the bank, why don'tcha!
I didn't want to leave without saying
how much I admire your jewelry.
Hey, smart ass, how 'bout I kick your
Adam walks towards the man smiling.
How 'bout you what?
Jerry takes a nervous step backwards, but Eve steps back
in and pulls Adam out.
I said come on!
Adam exits. Jerry doesn't know what to say.
EXT. CARD STORE - NIGHT
They exit the store.
Where are we going?
We? I'm going home. And, judging by
that coat, I'd say you have to get
back to the barber college.
No, I'm lost.
Say,...did you just lose your job
because of me?
Forget it. I'm sick of working for
A walking penis capable of intelligent
speech. A dickhead.
A mental picture of that causes Adam to slump against a
store window and drop his box of cards.
What's wrong with you?
I just had a mental picture of...
Here, pick these up!
Together they pick up the cards.
Where are you parked?
I came on a bus.
Why doesn't that surprise me?
I don't know. Why doesn't it?
Well, I guess because I'm a little
psychic...I have this thing.
Oh, that's nice.
Let me guess something. This is your
first visit to La La Land. You're
staying somewhere over in Hollywood
because, like an idiot, you thought
that would be an exciting place to
stay. Right so far?
(could be a question, could
be an answer.)
Yes, I'm right?
I knew it! So anyhow, you get on a bus
and before you know it, you're out
here in the San Fernando Valley
without a clue. Which brings us to
here. Correct again?
Where are you staying? The Holiday
Yes! Yes! The Holiday Inn! That's
See? I'm psychic. Not completely, but
pretty much. That was pretty good,
It was amazing.
Yeah. Thanks. Anyhow, let me predict a
bus for you to get on.
Do you own a car?
I'm not taking you there, Sweetie.
Rule Number One in North America: No
strangers in the car.
If it will make you feel any better, I
don't have a gun.
Well, that changes everything. Get the
fuck away from me!! I mean it!!
She races around the corner. He goes after her.
I'm sorry! I said something wrong,
didn't I! Please forgive me!
Get away from me!!
She runs into a parking lot. He follows.
Wait! Please wait! I'll make a deal
with you! I'll give you a Rogers
Hornsby, if you'll take me to the
He's all yours. I was holding him
Adam takes a Hornsby card from his coat pocket and shows
it to her.
Rogers Hornsby's worth like four
So what?! I've got two of him!
(removing more cards from his
And this many DiMaggios and Robinsons.
I was holding these out, too.
She arrives at her car (dirty GEO) and anxiously unlocks
the driver's door.
So for four thousand dollars, all I
have to do is drive you to your hotel?
And that's it?
I don't have to take a physical in
your space ship?
Heck, no! What?!
Okay. What the hell? You got a deal.
She gets in. He gets in the back seat behind her.
The front seat!
He runs around to the front while Eve chats with herself.
Why am I doing this? What in the hell
is wrong with me? That's what I'd like
SCENE 99 OMITTED
EXT. HOLLYWOOD FREEWAY - MINUTES LATER
Traffic is moving at fifteen miles an hour. The dash
lights fascinate him but the car scares him. She notices
that he is gripping the seat belt for dear life.
So...Mister Andretti, your first time
on the freeway?
It's Webber. Adam Webber.
Mind if I change the station?
Better traffic reports on AM.
She switches over to AM and runs by a Perry Como record,
"Round and Round", looking for traffic.
What is it?!
Perry Como! You had him! Go back!
Okay, okay! Take it easy!
She gets Perry.
Oh, I could die...
Yeah! Listen to this part. This is
where it really takes off!
You are one scary son-of-a-gun.
Eve's car splits for the exit ramp.
INT. EVE'S CAR
The sudden speed scares Adam.
Hey, what are you doing?!
I know a short-cut.
EXT. OFF RAMP
She comes off, catches the light and whips onto the
surface street, tires squealing.
Adam is hanging onto his seat belt. Eve puts the pedal to
Gee-zooie!! You better slow down!!!
I can't help it. Perry Como always
does this to me! I just get so
She turns Perry way up.
Eve does a dandy job of trading lanes and passing. The
little Geo's engine screams. Adam's sort of getting into
EXT. HOLLYWOOD HOLIDAY INN - TEN MINUTES LATER
The Geo flies up to a quick stop.
Eve turns to Adam, who has had A Life Experience.
Card, please. End of service.
He hands over the card like someone in a post-sex stupor.
That was...wonderful! I've never felt
anything like that in my life.
Yeah, same here. Don't forget your
He gets out with the suitcase, and after shutting the
door leans down to speak to her.
She tears off, leaving him there.
INT. HOTEL REGISTRATION - MINUTES LATER
Adam addresses the clerk.
Good evening. I want to stay at this
Fill this out please. And I'll need a
Adam gives him a baseball card.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - LATER SAME NIGHT
A BELLBOY ushers Adam in and sets down his bag.
Bathroom's there, TV's over there.
Remote's on top. Room Service menu is
on the table.
Adam picks up the phone and listens.
You dial nine to get out.
(beat, then he hangs up)
I see. Well, thank you very much.
You've been very, very nice.
He offers two dollars.
I was able to get some change
downstairs and my father taught me
that it's customary to tip in a
situation such as this.
Thank you. Your father is a smart guy.
My father is a genius.
No kiddin'. Well...good night.
Good night! Sleep tight. Don't let
the bedbugs bite! That's what my Mom
...who I'm really beginning to miss.
I'm sorry. It's my first night away
How old are you?
You don't look thirty-five.
How old do I look?
Twenty-five? Around there.
I guess living up here makes people
Up here on the fifteenth floor?
Yes. Up here on the fifteenth floor.
Adam abruptly shuts the door in the man's face.
He goes to the window and looks out. The height scares
him to death. He jumps back.
INT. SHELTER, DINNER TABLE - SAME TIME
Adam's parents pray.
And Lord we ask finally that you send
an angel to look after and protect our
beloved son, Adam. Amen.
She begins to tear up and he pats her hand.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAWN
Adam sits by the window watching his first dawn.
EXT. HOLIDAY INN - MORNING
It's another bright, smoggy day. And here comes Eve,
marching from the parking garage to the hotel entrance.
What in the hell am I doing here?!
That's what I'd like to know! Somebody
tell me that.
INT. FRONT DESK - MOMENTS LATER
Eve is speaking to a DESK CLERK.
You don't have a last name?
All I know is that his first name is
Adam. No! Adam Webber! That's it.
INT. ADAM'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
He is seated on the bed, transfixed, watching a
television commercial.The PHONE RINGS loudly. Adam
nearly jumps out of his skin. After he figures out where
the ringing is coming from, he answers the phone.
(into phone, after a long
At the house phone.
Hi. This is the woman from the
baseball card store. Remember me?
INT. ADAM'S ROOM
Boy, is he glad to hear from her!
Yes! Hello! Hi! Hot-diggity-dog!
Thank you for calling me on the
Eve holds the receiver away from her for a moment.
Good grief. Hey listen, I'm in the
On the first floor! Where the hell
else would it be?
INT. LOBBY, ELEVATORS - MOMENTS LATER
The doors open and Adam hurries out, looking for Eve, who
he sees and goes directly to, smiling all the while like
a rumpled idiot.
I am so glad to see you!! I thought
I'd never see you again!
Okay, down boy. (holds up the baseball
card) I can't take this for driving
you home. I wish I could, but I can't.
So here, take it back. I could have
just left it for you at the desk, but
it's very valuable. Now take it.
I can't, it's yours.
Take it. damn it!
(with hand over his mouth)
He takes the card.
Why are you doing that?
I haven't brushed yet.
Oh. Okay. Well, so long. Enjoy your
She heads for the front door. He goes after her.
Wait, Eve, please! Wait.
Please don't follow me. Don't do it!
EXT. HOTEL - DAY
I knew this would happen! You're like
a lost puppy!
Can't you please just talk to me for
She stops, he stops.
I should have taken the money and run!
That's what Troy told me to do! But
do I listen? No! Put your hand down!
Troy? Is he your husband? Or a
(eyes to heaven)
Oh, stop that! God! Listen, I know
you like me. I can tell. But you know
what? A lot of guys like me. Not me,
exactly. It's more like the legs or
the butt or the hair. Or some
combination of the above.
I think it's the eyes.
The eyes. Okay. An eye-man. Anyhow,
it never works out. Okay? Not that
you even need to know that! You look
like crap, by the way. What have you
Watching television in color.
Hey, no kidding? In color?
Cross my heart and hope to die.
She looks at him for a beat or two, then abruptly turns
Why doesn't it never work out?
Why does it never work out? You
Why?! Who the hell knows?!
He follows closely. She stops.
Okay, if you promise to leave me
alone, I'll tell you.
It never works out because I'm into
legs and butts and hair myself!
That's why! So I wind up with guys who
are very good looking, but
even more shallow than I am, if you
can picture that.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go
find another low-paying, demeaning job
where some guy named Jerry keeps
telling me how lousy his marriage is.
Why not go to work for me?
Selling all my baseball cards.
And helping me buy enough food and
supplies to fill several large trucks.
Food and supplies? Who for? Like
Well, they're not starving yet, but
they need help.
How long would you need me?
What's the pay?
I've got to make at least a thousand a
He gives her his patented thumbs up sign which of course
is exactly like his father's.
You got it!
Wait here while I change.
He walks back to the hotel.
My career's finally taking off...
EXT. MARINE WHOLESALE SUPPLY, MARINA DEL REY - DAY
Heavy-duty BOAT BATTERIES are being loaded into a U-Haul
truck. The store MANAGER steps up to Eve who is
watching. Adam appears in the bg, thanking and being nice
to the MEN loading the truck. He looks mighty stupid in
another one of his Dad's old outfits.
Why would someone need twenty yacht
I just work for the guy.
And who does he work for? The CIA?
Naw...it's some sort of charity
thing..I guess for starving people
INT. PRICE CLUB - LATER SAME DAY
Eve and Adam shop with two carts, both full of CASES OF
Why not buy them milk or something--
instead of Dr. Pepper?
They like Dr. Pepper.
Who are these people?
My Mom and Dad.
Very funny, smart ass.
Hey! Pipe tobacco! I'm going to need
all of this! This is swell!
He goes over to a huge supply of Prince Albert.
Swell? Run, Eve. Run.
EXT. LOADING DOCK - SAME DAY
Eve and Adam watch as a man with a forklift puts a year's
supply of toilet paper into the back of the rental truck.
EXT. GROCERY STORE PARKING LOT - SAME DAY
A crowd has gathered to watch Adam and Eve empty seven
shopping carts full of non-perishable groceries.
ANGLE - 5 MINUTES LATER
Eve goes to get into the truck. Adam hurries by her.
He opens the door for her. She shakes her head and gets
EXT. HOLIDAY INN - THAT NIGHT
She drives the truck to a stop. He keeps the beat to the
song on the AM radio. It's VolarÈ. Adam loves it. Eve
hates it. They come to a stop and she snaps off the
Well, another day, another dollar.
Stop staring at me!!
He gets out.
Pick you up at eight tomorrow morning.
Hey, you know. I was thinking...
She pulls away.
EXT./INT. U-STORE-IT - NEXT DAY
Adam drags the last 50-pound bag of flour into a self-
storage locker and pulls down the sliding door which he
We'll have to rent a refrigerated
truck for the beef and poultry.
It's your life. And, by the way, it's
I guess we'll need another locker.
No problem. We'll just sell another
You know, Eve -- don't get mad, okay? -
- but, I'd just be lost without you.
And, um ...I guess...
I guess you and I, uh...
Adam? Don't even think about it.
I'm sorry. I know that sounds mean,
but believe me, it would be meaner if
I didn't say it. Okay?
Now, let's take the truck back and get
something to eat.
She hops in behind the wheel. He (hurt) is a little
slower getting in his side.
EXT. FREEWAY - LATER, SAME DAY
Traffic is moving about forty miles an hour. Their truck
is in one of the middle lanes.
INT. U-HAUL - CONTINUOUS
Adam screws up his guts and turns to her.
There's something else I would like
you to help me with.
Well, this is going to sound a little
Oh, I'm sure it will!
Then forget it.
No, no! I'm sorry! What is it?
This is for me.
Think of me as your genie. Just ask.
Well... Okay. I would like you to help
me find a...wife.
Because I want to get married.
I don't want to be alone.
You can be single and not alone.
The big one!
I didn't know that.
Everybody knows that. Ask my divorced
sisters. Or ask my divorced mom and
They're all divorced?
It didn't used to be that way.
I wouldn't know.
What kind of wife are you looking for?
One who's not a mutant.
No dogs, huh? Okay.
And if possible, I'd like to marry
someone from Pasadena.
She is speechless. Then:
When do you need her by?
Well, I could probably get you laid in
two weeks, but to locate a non-mutant
wife from Pasadena...that could take
That's what I was afraid of.
INT. DINER - LATER, SAME DAY
Adam and Eve are in a booth. The WAITRESS approaches with
sandwiches and drinks.
What do you mean, you can get me laid?
He and the waitress look to Eve for an answer.
Could we talk about that a little
(sugary, to waitress)
The amazed waitress leaves. Adam automatically lowers
his head and says grace. Two HAPPENIN' GUYS at the
counter look over and chuckle at the rube. Eve flips
them a mean bird and mouths the words "fuck you" as Adam
continues to pray. The guys shut up.
EXT. EVE'S HOUSE - LATE DAY
Eve shares a frame Santa Monica bungalow. It's in a
pretty nice neighborhood on a quiet street. Her GEO
FISHTAILS into the picture and comes to rest half in the
street, half on the curb. Adam is driving.
The engine is still running.
She rips the keys out of the ignition.
Now, get out!!
Stop that ma'am crap!
They get out.
You almost got us killed!
I told you I've never driven before!
Never drive again!
You said it would be easy!
I was wrong!!
Is this your house?
I like it.
She storms off for the house where a YOUNG MAN is coming
out the front door in a cut-off T-shirt and spandex
CLIFF is leaving with a cardboard box full of clothes.
He is exceedingly GOOD LOOKING AND IN VERY GOOD SHAPE.
Eve and Adam come up the steps.
What are you bitching about now?
What are you doing here?
I forgot some of my stuff.
Your stuff? Let me see that.
She looks in the box. Holds up a pair of old briefs.
You came back for these?
Hey, they're Ralph Laurens. And who's
this interesting looking fellow?
This is Adam. Adam, meet Cliff.
How do you do?
I do fine, Adam. How 'bout yourself?
You doin' any good?
Go home, Cliff, wherever that might
Shana Gillroy's apartment. Remember
her? The model who went to Harvard?
Well, I better get going! Bye, Adam.
Cliff smiles and bounces down the steps.
Why, thank you! Very nice to have met
(then to her)
May I ask you a question?
He's a former boyfriend. We lived
together for about six months. And
yes, I'll admit it. I've still kind
of got a thing for him.
(entering the house)
That's what you wanted to know, isn't
Actually,no. I was wondering why Cliff
likes to wear another man's
INT. EVE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Very good music is playing. Adam listens to one speaker
then crosses to listen to the other. Then he goes back to
INT.EVE'S KITCHEN - SAME TIME
Eve is pouring champagne into a glass that contains two
sugar cubes. Next she adds several dashes of bitters.
TROY, HER GAY ROOMMATE, throws together a tray of
appetizers as dinner cooks on the stove.
Eve! This guy is un-be-liev-able!
I knew you'd like him.
Darlin', this is X-File stuff! Think
about it! The guy's got all this
easily negotiable property. He's
obviously setting something up very
big. Like a self-sustaining island
off the coast of South America, for
instance. Or perhaps he's the head of
a cult that's doing weird things with
poultry and pipe tobacco. I've heard
He rushes out with the tray.
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Troy enters with sushi appetizers. Adam is looking at the
You have very nice ceilings.
I do? Well, thank you! You like
Well, I hope you like these! Fresh sea
urchin wrapped in seaweed. Or "nori"
if you prefer. I love sushi.
I love Lucy!
Eve enters with Adam's drink and two white wines.
Here you go. One champagne cocktail.
I thought only hookers drank those
Well, I know Mom sure likes 'em!
Eve and Troy look at each other as she hands him his
Dinner in fifteen minutes. Why don't
we sit and chat.
So, Adam...where on earth are you
Out-of-town. That's all he'll say.
It's a very small place. People don't
even know it's there.
And it's called...?
Maybe Eve can guess. She's psychic.
Really? Since when?
Since that guy rear-ended me in Palm
I even guessed his hotel, didn't I?
Right on the button.
Well, Dionne Warwick, guess his home
Give me your hand.
Oh, my God...
Adam holds out his hand and she takes it, rubbing her
finger slowly and gently around in his palm. For her,
it's psychic stuff. For him, it's spine-tingling.
Okay, let's see...I'm not promising
anything. You okay?
I'm seeing...snow... lots of snow.
Way up North. Are we getting hot?
You live in...Alaska. The only way in
or out of your place is by plane
and... you've definitely come down
here for food and supplies and... to
find a wife!
She tosses back his hand and grabs her wine for a victory
I've never met anyone like you in my
Hey, butthead, I'm clairvoyant.
I've got goose-bumps all over me.
Why not just go to... Nome for
supplies and a wife? Isn't that
Yeah, right! That's where you'd go to
find girls! Nome. He's gay, by the
Good for you.
Well, we try. Listen, let me just ask
you a few questions. When did Alaska
become a state?
Who use to own it?
When did we get it from them?
1867. Seward's Folly. We paid 7.2
million dollars for it. A tidy sum
then, as well as now. I'm quoting my
father, of course.
What's the capitol?
Hello! It's Anchorage! Gotcha!
Sorry, that's the largest city.
Troy jumps up and runs out of the room.
Where's he gone?
He's gone to check your answers on his
He has a computer?
In the house?
No. We keep it in the backyard. Of
course, in the house. It's in there.
May I please be excused?
He has "Alaska" on his computer screen. Adam enters and
looks at the computer, which captivates him.
This must be very new.
It's so small.
What are you talking about? This is
the new Mac. You a hacker?
I don't think so.
You don't have a computer in your
How do you get through those winters?
Well, you're right. Juneau.
(then, covering the
screen with his hand)
What's the highest peak?
Mt. McKinley. It's also the highest
point in North America.
(after peeking at the screen)
Okay, maybe she is psychic. Let's go
That would knock my father out.
It would probably kill him.
He's a Windows guy then, huh?
Yes. He likes windows.
Well, I think Windows stink. What do
you think of that?
...I guess it's...just a matter of
Troy exits. Adam follows.
(EDITORIAL: Scenes 131, 132, and 133 should follow scene
134 rather than precede it.)
INT. SHELTER, MASTER BEDROOM - SAME TIME
Calvin Webber is sleeping soundly. Helen stands quietly
at the door looking at him. She finishes off her
champagne cocktail and very quietly shuts the door.
INT. ANTEROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Helen goes into the elevator. Obviously, she's had too
much to drink.
INT. MALT SHOP - MOMENTS LATER
The floor rumbles and the metal doors open emitting the
red light. Soda Jerk and TEN OF HIS FOLLOWERS stand up
expectantly and anxiously. Helen appears--and looks at
this terribly odd assortment of people.
Who are you?!
I'm the mother.
It's the mother!!
And they all fall down on their knees and worship her
with much wailing and rejoicing. Several speak in
tongues. Helen stares at them wide-eyed, presses the
button on the control box, and goes back down.
INT. DINING TABLE - NIGHT
Adam's impeccable table manners serve to highlight Eve's
and Troy's utter lack of same.
But first, you have to start with the
(then to Adam)
You understand that, don't you? You
have no chance of meeting a woman
dressed like that.
So, what are you seeing?
(looking Adam over)
I don't know.
Money is no object. He's got cards up
Wazoo! Try to listen.
(then to Troy)
Whataya think? Surfer, grunge, hip-
hop, Euro trash?
You're serious, aren't you?
What's that supposed to mean?
It means that your taste in men's
apparel is as bad as your taste in
Well, that's blunt!
I'm sorry. But if the shoe fits.
And I suppose you see him in some sort
of strapless thing, don't you?
I see "elegant."
Yeah? Like Ralph Lauren?
That's what I'm sensing.
The guy with the underpants!
Not on him.
I'm not wearing his pants.
Why not? He has great pants.
I just don't want to.
Why don't you take him and pick out
Alright, I will.
(talking with her mouth full)
I'm busy tomorrow anyway. I have to
buy six thousand paper napkins.
What do you think, Adam?
Whatever you two want. If you've got
the time, I've got the wazoo.
Eve and Troy watch him eat for a beat or two.
Isn't it a little tiring to sit up
straight like that?
What about holding your right arm up
like that all the time?
It's fine. Just give it a try.
And for gosh sake, Eve, take your foot
off the chair!
She does. Eve and Troy emulate Adam.
SCENE 135 OMITTED
SCENE 136 OMITTED
EXT. EVE'S HOUSE - DAY
Troy and Adam get out of Eve's car with a lot of
packages. They head for the house.
I guess a lot of those tall buildings
we saw this morning are new.
Almost all of them.
The recovery is very impressive.
The recovery? Oh , yeah! Hey, they
rebuilt the freeway in six months.
Amazing. I'm very impressed.
INT. EVE'S HOUSE - SAME DAY
Eve is on the couch doing her toenails when Adam and Troy
enter. Adam is in a casually elegant outfit that looks
terrific. Both he and Troy are carrying lots of other
packages and garment bags. We see names like Gucci,
Armani and Lauren. Eve is visibly impressed by Adam's
Well, what do you think?
Let me show you the entire trousseau!
But first let me show her these!
He reaches into a bag and removes a box that contains --
a pair of rollerblades.
Eve, can I skate around your block?
(making it sexual)
How 'bout it, Eve? Can he skate around
SCENE 137A OMITTED
SCENE 137B OMITTED
SCENE 138 OMITTED
EXT. VENICE BEACH - LATER, SAME DAY
There is a most unusual band shell location on the beach
that is completely covered by graffiti. Eve and Troy sit
at one of the many stone tables watching Adam skate all
over the place. He wears spandex workout pants and a T-
The starting CRANE SHOT begins on the nearly deserted
commercial section of Venice Beach and then takes us to
the band shell.
ANGLE - CLOSER
of him skating and them watching.
He's going to kill himself.
(then, to Adam)
Go skate out on the bike path! It's
He heads out of the band shell. We follow him as he
skates into an area that has been given over to the
homeless. They sit around in their sleeping bags and
blankets and cheer (and jeer) Adam when he passes by. He
takes them to be more mutants.
EXT. BIKE PATH - CONTINUOUS
Adam skates to it and is amazed to see two very pretty
girls skating in their tiny bikinis. A nearly nude body-
builder guy goes by on a bike. Then Adam sees the ocean.
ANGLE - WAVES
breaking on the beach and rocks.
EXT. BEACH - MOMENTS
Adam tosses off his roller-blades and walks trance-like
towards the waves.
ANGLE - TROY AND EVE
appear on a dune behind him and watch.
ANGLE - ADAM
Adam raises his arms to greet the ocean, perhaps like a
Plains Indian would. Then he joyously runs into the surf
ANGLE - TROY AND EVE
That water's freezing!
He's from Alaska.
ANGLE - ADAM
He surfaces and throws his fists in the air.
ANGLE - TROY AND EVE
That's why little things mean so much
ANGLE - ADAM
I LOVE THIS!!
Begin the record "YMCA" over this.
INT. EVE'S LIVING ROOM - NEXT DAY
Eve enters from her morning shower to find Troy and Adam
goofing to The Village People song. She gives Troy a
What?! He wanted to hear some
(My hip daughters tell me that "YMCA" is enjoying a huge
rebirth of popularity at their parties. Apparently they
line dance to it.)
EXT. FREEWAY - SAME DAY
A helicopter shot follows the U-Haul in traffic.
EXT. SELF-STORAGE - SAME DAY
Adam and Eve fill a second storage site. (Continue
EXT. BASEBALL DIAMOND, PUBLIC PARK - DAY
We see the infield of a gay softball team wheel a double
ANGLE - TROY AND ADAM
Cheering the play with other gay fans.
I get it! I finally get it! You have
to see it to understand it!
INT. EVE'S KITCHEN - NEXT DAY (RAIN)
She looks out the back window at the rain and shakes her
head. She exits the back door with an umbrella.
EXT. EVE'S BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS
Eve hurries to Adam who is sitting on a lawn chair in the
middle of the small back yard, enjoying the rain. She
holds the umbrella over her head.
Have you ever heard the saying, "He
hasn't got enough sense to come in out
of the rain?"
(then watching the rain hit
the palm of his hand)
You know, my father -- who is a
scientist -- says that everything is a
miracle. Everything. Until recently I
wasn 't sure what he meant by that.
Yeah? No kidding. Listen, you still
want to go girl hunting tonight?
I certainly do!
Okay. But you know, this business of
finding you a wife -- it's kind of
ridiculous, don't you think?
No it's not!
Yes it is. A girlfriend maybe. But a
wife? I mean...
Then just help me find a girlfriend!
That's all I ask.
I'll give you every single card I've
Hey, screw you! Okay? You think I'm
just somebody you can buy off! Listen,
let me tell you something--
(taking her by the arms)
Would you do it just because you're my
friend? My very best friend.
He hugs her.
Thank Q, Eve!
She's uncomfortable with the hug. Wait a minute. No she's
EXT. "THE FORTIES" NIGHT CLUB - SAME NIGHT
This hip, up-market club is based on a 1940's theme.
Establish the YOUTHFUL RICH arriving in their black four-
wheel vehicles and silver Porsches. Coats and ties. Eve,
Troy and Adam arrive on foot. Adam notices the valet
Why did you park way back there?
Miss Rustokov refuses to let total
strangers drive her car.
Oh. I see.
Eve looks like she owns the place.
INT. NIGHT CLUB ANTEROOM - SAME TIME
As they enter Adam grabs Troy, who is leading the way.
Ladies first, Troy! That was close.
Adam and Troy follow Eve in. The club is NOISY AND
HOPPING. The house music is from the 40's. Adam, Eve and
Troy enter a long corridor of booths and walk forward.
Adam's got on that terrific dark suit. Women notice. Eve
notices them noticing.
My goodness gracious! This place is
Adam gives it a shot and goes too bored.
He gets vaguely bored but misses unimpressed by a mile.
Unimpressed, but still interested.
He tries that. It's like watching a neon sign switch back
and forth: First interested, then not.
No! Not crazy!
Do I look crazy?
He overplays that.
Just be yourself.
Always good advice.
For him. It doesn't work for the rest
Holy Mo-ly, Miss Pay-o-ly!! This place
Adam enters the main room. Eve and Troy follow.
INT. MAIN ROOM
There is a bar, a seated section, and a dance floor with
a DJ booth. The DJ is in a white dinner jacket and does a
perfect Humphrey Bogart impression as he ad libs his
speel between records.
ANGLE - BAR
JASON and JONATHAN wave when they see Eve and Troy
approaching. They ad-lib hellos. Here, and at the tables,
the recorded MUSIC IS SO LOUD THEY MUST SPEAK OVER IT.
Jason, Jonathan, this is Adam! Adam,
How do you do?! It's very nice to meet
you, Jason and Jonathan!
(confidentially, to them)
My mother always told me that if you
meet a person for the first time it's
easier to remember their names if you
use those names right away.
Jason and Jonathan just stare at him.
He's from Alaska!
A slightly drunk beauty named SOPHIE appears behind Eve.
Hi, there, Eve, who's the hunk?
Eve hates Sophie.
Get lost, Sophie.
Sophie pushes her way right up to Adam.
Hi. I'm Sophie.
Hello, Sophie, I'm Adam Webber.
Adam lives in Alaska.
Tu parle Francais? Tu a un tres bon
You speak beautiful French!
J'ai habitÈ a Paris un an.
Paris!! La ville de lumieres!
C'est bien rencontrer quelqu'un pour
pratiquer le francais.
Si tu veux, nous pouvons pratiquer
beaucoup des choses ensemble.
Eve steps in and takes Adam's hand, drawing him away from
Quit showing off! We're here on
Non, cherie. A bientot.
Eve leads Adam to a table. Troy follows.
I thought I was here to meet women.
Not that one!
I like her.
And don't be so obvious!
INT. TABLE - TEN MINUTES LATER
Adam, Eve and Troy examine female patrons over drinks.
It's white wine for her, imported beer for Troy, and a
Rob Roy for Adam.
What have you ordered?
It's a Rob Roy. A very popular drink,
ANGLE - LOVELY BRUNETTE
ANGLE - TABLE
What about her?
Why?! I think she's very attractive.
Adam! She's got bitch written all
over her! You do know what "bitch"
means, don't you?
Yes, I have a dictionary. But I can't
understand for the life of me why you
would call her that! Or why Cliff
would say that about you.
Because we're bitches! Look at her!
Look at the expression on her face!
The walk, the jewelry, the
How 'bout this one?
"This one" is a KILLER BLOND.
Are you kidding?! You wouldn't even
be a crumb on her table! You don't
Well, I'm trying to educate him! It's
Adam, I think for you, we should go
Okay. I like that.
(swigging her drink)
Yeah, sweet. That's a nice way of
What do I say to Miss Sweet when I
It's not so much what you say but how
you say it. Women like men who are
Yes, really! Basically, they want what
they think they can't have. Same with
guys. That's why everybody is walking
around here sending off "you can't
have me" signals!
ANGLE OF MEN AND WOMEN
doing precisely that. Then:
BACK TO TABLE
Maybe. But that's how it works.
Ah-ha! There's " Miss Sweet." At the
hors d'oeuvres table!
INTERCUT - MISS SWEET
She's a pretty young thing with a sweet face.
Yeah. Could be. Go say hello, Romeo.
Looks like a healthy non-mutant to me.
Okay. All right.
And what do I say?
Say something surprising. And funny.
Lie, if need be.
Yes! Lying is always a very effective
Okay. Thank you, my friends.
By the way, that's a great play.
Romeo and Juliet. I cried at the end.
Adam nods and shoves off.
I'm not sure I want to watch this.
Eve puts her hand to her head -- hating herself and still
not sure exactly why.
ANGLE - ADAM
crossing to Miss Sweet.
Surprising and funny. Well, I know a
duck who bought some lip balm...
INT. HORS D'OEUVRES TABLE
Adam sheepishly approaches Miss Sweet, then gathers
I was wondering if you might help me.
I...I seem to have lost my
Congressional Medal of Honor somewhere
Miss Sweet stares at him for a beat or two, then
Oh, now, that's a great one!
You like it?
(a little clap)
They both laugh.
ANGLE - EVE AND TROY
Stunned...as they watch Adam and Miss Sweet. Another
pretty young woman (HEATHER) joins Adam.
ANGLE - ADAM AND GIRLS
Heather is a friend of Miss Sweet's.
This is my new friend...
I'm Adam Webber.
He's really funny!
Hi! I'm Heather!
"Heather?" I don't believe I've ever
heard that name before.
There's a slight beat before both girls laugh.
I told you! He's funny!
ANGLE - EVE AND TROY
More stunned. Eve finds that she very much hates watching
Adam having a good time with other healthy non-mutants.
ANGLE - ADAM AND HIS NEW FRIENDS
We work on Rodeo Drive. But we're
both professional dancers.
I took a dance lesson everyday of my
life until a couple of days ago.
No, I'm not! My mom taught me.
Your mom was a dancer?
She is a dancer! And a lovely one! You
would like her very much! Shall we
They head for the dance floor.
ANGLE - TROY AND EVE
ANGLE - THE FLOOR
A jitterbug song comes on and so does Adam.
He and Miss Sweet are a little rough on take-off, but
they hit smooth sailing soon enough. He's terrific at
picking up the new stuff she shows him.
ANGLE - EVE & TROY
They are shocked.
ANGLE - DANCE FLOOR
Heather cuts in on Miss Sweet as the other dancers stop
to watch someone who is so much better than them. The
three of them begin to dance together.
ANGLE - TROY & EVE
You know, he's a very, very good--
ANGLE - DANCE FLOOR/ EVE
Adam dances beautifully with the two women. We CUT BACK
AND FORTH between them and Eve.
ANGLE - DANCE FLOOR
Adam, Miss Sweet and Heather complete their dance with
great aplomb. Other dancers applaud them. Someone is
WHISTLING LOUDLY OFF CAMERA. Adam and his dance partners
look over to:
ANGLE - EVE
She is whistling like a guy calling his dog. Troy is
Eve points at Adam and beckons broadly for him to come
over -- a basketball coach calling her player off the
What in the hell is wrong with you?!!
ANGLE - DANCE FLOOR
Is that your girl friend?
No. Would you please excuse me?
If you'll please come back.
I will certainly try. And thank you
both very much for the dance.
When was the last time you saw manners
Yeah. It's like meeting a foreigner
ANGLE - TABLE
as Adam comes over. The music is not so loud now.
Go to the bathroom.
(then, off her look)
Well, you're being so bossy I wasn't
Troy rises and exits. Adam arrives and sits down.
You wanted to see me!
You're not from Alaska! Where'd you
learn to dance like that?! And there
are no starving people, are there?!
Why are you suddenly so mad at me?
Don't change the subject! I want you
to tell me the truth about yourself.
I've never lied to you. I've maybe
let you believe things that you wanted
to believe, but I've never lied.
You think I'm some sort of sap?! Don't
No. I admire you. I...I fell in love
with you the first time I saw you.
(off her look)
I did. I think that you are the most--
I want to know exactly who you are and
what you're really up to!
All right. Let me tell you the whole
thing. In 1962--
Well, well, well. Don't we clean up
Cliff steps up to the table. Adam, automatically a
gentleman, rises and offers his hand.
Hello, Cliff, how are you this
Cliff barely shakes his hand.
Then he sits in Adam's seat.
But I do miss that green sport coat of
Thank you very much. But, Cliff,
that's my seat. And I was just--
How 'bout a drink at the bar?
They rise. Cliff gestures to the chair.
It's all yours.
Eve and Cliff go to the bar. Adam sits down glumly. He
looks across the room and catches the eye of Miss Sweet
who is seated at a table with Heather. A GOOD LOOKING
GUY is hitting on them. CUTTING BACK AND FORTH between
Adam and them we see Miss Sweet's smile escalate. Then
she nudges Heather who also looks over and smiles. Adam
smiles back. Finish with a CLOSER SHOT OF HIS POV of
Miss Sweet's hair, butt and legs.
ANGLE - BAR
Eve and Cliff are in cozy conversation at the bar.
Jonathan, Jason, and Sophie are in the bg.
ANGLE - Troy
returning from the restroom. He is surprised to see Eve
at the bar with Cliff. When he looks back at the dance
floor table, Adam is not there.
ANGLE - EVE AND CLIFF
So where is your roommate, the model?
You know, I don't know. And looking
at you, I don't care. It's been too
Please excuse this interruption.
WIDER - BAR
Adam steps closer, looking past Cliff at Eve.
Eve, I don't mean to be rude, and
please excuse me Cliff, but Eve, isn't
Cliff just a butt with hair?
I'm sorry, and legs. Legs, butt and
hair. Well, isn't he? And shallow,
(the shallowest guy in the
Shallow? I'm shallow?!
Go home, Adam. Go to your hotel.
Yeah. Before I kick your ass.
He gives Adam a shove.
Cliff, I must warn you. I know how to
Cliff throws a right which Adam calmly blocks and
counters with a short right jab to Cliff's mouth,
snapping his head back. It's not a big punch, but very,
very quick. It makes Eve mad and astonishes Troy, Jason
Stop it, you two!
I guess we shouldn't fight in here.
(lowering his guard)
Yes, I agree.
Cliff draws back another right. Adam flicks out a quick
left to Cliff's cheek, again snapping his head back, but
not his body. (These aren't big movie hits.) Cliff takes
a beat or two then draws back his right fist again. Adam
pops him in the nose. Cliff drops his right arm to his
Maybe we shouldn't fight at all.
Fighting is pretty immature.
(lowering his guard)
It certainly is. I agree with you
Eve? I'm leaving.
I don't blame you!
(turning to Eve)
Eve, I'm sorry.
Seeing an opportunity, Cliff rears back with another
right. Adam deftly pops him in the mouth again with a
short right jab.
Well, good night, everyone.
Troy, Jonathan and Jason say good night to him. Cliff
walks unsteadily away bleeding from the mouth and both
nostrils. (Hopeful that no one has noticed that he's very
subtly just gotten the crap beat out of him.)
I'm leaving, too.
But, Eve, I would--
And tomorrow maybe Troy will help you
out--because I quit! This is
ridiculous! You're ridiculous! I'm
She exits. Adam looks over at Troy who shrugs.
EXT. EVE'S HOUSE - MIDNIGHT
Troy takes out his keys as he approaches the front door.
But the door opens. Eve stands there in sweats. Agitated.
He go back to the hotel?
Uh..he might of.
INT. EVE'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Troy enters. She slams the door.
What's that mean?
We did not leave together.
Who did he leave with?
What's it to you?!
I'm his pimp. He left with the
dancers, didn't he?
Hey, you're the psychic. Eve, the
psychic pimp. You tell me.
Yeah. But who's not a slut these days?
He enters the kitchen
She follows him: He gets something to drink.
Where are you going?
Yeah. I'm not the one who's in love
with the guy.
What?! Now hold on! Wait one damn
Troy exits into his office.
He plops down on the chair.
In the first place, I don't fall in
love with weirdos I've only known for
four or five days.
Yes, you do.
And I don't fall in love with grown
men who collect baseball cards!!
Uh, yes, you do.
Or pee in their pants when they see
Yes, you do!
Or have perfect table manners.
You know, I asked him about that. And
he said that good manners are a way we
have of showing other people that we
respect them. See, you'd eat like a
slob if you
were alone, but since another human
being is present, you show that person
respect by going to the trouble of
having proper manners. I didn't know
that. I thought it was a way of
Know what else he told me?
(sitting on the bed)
He thinks that I am a gentleman and
that you are a lady!
Well, consider the source. I don't
even know what a lady is.
Exactly! I thought a gentleman was
somebody who owned horses. Turns out,
the short and very simple definition
of a gentleman or a lady is: someone
who always attempts to make the people
around him or her feel as comfortable
as possible. That's it! If you don't
do that, nothing else matters. The
cars, the clothes, the houses...
Where did he get all that information?
From the oddest place. His parent's
told him. I don't think I got that
So now I suppose he's trying to make
those two dancers feel as comfortable
He didn't leave with them.
Well...I admit it. I'm glad to hear
He left with Sophie.
It's true. She swept him out the door
whispering little French things into
Oh, no! Not Sophie! No way! Please
don't tell me that!!
What are you going to do? Go over to
her place and kick in the door?
You're goddamn right I am!
She exits, then sticks her hand back in.
I don't think so.
Gentleman coward, to you.
SCENE 148 OMITTED
EXT. HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
Eve hurries out of the house leaving the front door wide
open. She runs down the porch steps, across the yard,
and to her car, which she unlocks with the usual
Come on! Come on, damn it!
She jumps in and sticks the key in the ignition. Adam
appears at the passenger window.
Eve SCREAMS BLOODY MURDER as she throws open her door and
jumps out into the street where she falls down, hurting
her knee. Adam runs around the car to help her to her
feet. Dogs start barking in several houses.
Scare me, why don't you?!!? You
stupid son of a bitch!!!
I'm really sorry!
What in the hell are you doing here!!
You're supposed to be over on San
Vicente Boulevard having unsafe sex
with that slut Sophie!!
I know...and I'm really sorry.
Well, you should be! Thanks to you,
my heart is in my neck!
Eve marches, with a limp, back to the house.
Eve, if you'll let me, I can --
Look! I'm limping! How attractive is
that?! What if this is for life?!
I know first aid!
Well, you had better!!
He chases her up the porch steps.
INT. LIVING ROOM - THIRTY MINUTES LATER
Lights are low and warm. Adam is attempting to swab the
abrasion on Eve's knee through the tear in her old sweat
Wait a minute.
She reaches down and gives the knee hole a good rip,
revealing her leg from above the knee to the gym sock.
He takes the back of her calf in one hand and applies the
antiseptic to her knee with the other. It stings and she
Steady. Steady. It's going to be all
right in no time.
He leans down and blows on the wound. CU of that. CU of
his hand on her calf. CU of her looking down at him,
watching as he blows gently on her knee.
I went to Sophie's and she was very
Is that what you call it?
But it just wasn't where I wanted to
be so I left as politely as I could
and found a taxi. But I asked the
driver to drop me here instead of at
the hotel. There's a song Mister Como
sings called "On the Street Where You
Live." You know it?
Sing it to me.
(softly, saying it as much as
"All at once am I--several stories
high-- knowing I'm--on the street--
where you live." It's about a young
man who is overjoyed just to be
standing in front of the house of the
person he loves.
She reaches down, and taking hold of his collar, draws
him to her and they kiss very romantically and at length.
Adam...dumb question, but humor me.
Have you ever had sex before?
She sits up.
How is that possible?
During the following speech CAMERA pushes past him and
lingers on her as she gradually realizes that Adam is
In 1962, when the bomb was dropped on
Los Angeles, my parents were in our
fallout shelter. That's where I was
only survived because it was a huge
shelter as fallout shelters go. My
father worked on it secretly for
years. When he had to, he used
contractors, but always from out-of-
state and always for just a portion of
the job. He told them it was a secret
government experiment done through
CalTech. My Dad's not a liar, but he
felt in this case he had no choice. Of
course, it had to be a secret, because
we had just enough supplies to last
three people thirty-five years. That's
also why I have no brothers or
sisters. The air vent was the really
tricky part, but he was able to cut
into a flood control sewer. What I'd
like to do Eve, is take you down into
the fallout shelter with me. We could
live there with my Mom and Dad. My dad
said if I found a healthy girl I
should "bring her on down". And you
look plenty healthy to me.
I want you to go back to the hotel
now. I'll call you a cab.
Of course. I shouldn't be over here
at this hour.
He rises. She gets up and leads him to the door.
That's right. And I'll see you in the
morning in the lobby. Do you mind
waiting outside for the taxi?
Not at all. And Eve thank you for
tonight...and for the kiss. My first.
It was at least as good as the sky.
And I think better than the ocean. I'm
EXT. HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Adam comes out glowing with happiness. He looks
heavenward. And does his patented thumbs up.
Behind him we hear Eve locking all the locks on her front
EXT. VALLEY AVENUE - DAY
A REFRIGERATED U-HAUL TRUCK lurches down the street.
Adam struggles with the gears as Troy worries about his
Wait a minute!
He promptly pulls over and turns off the engine.
I'm sorry. I took the Lord's name in
vain again, didn't I? I'm so sorry.
No! There's an Adult Bookstore back
there! I'll be right back!
Adam jumps out of the truck and runs off.
Without question, the strangest man
I've ever met.
EXT. ADULT BOOKSTORE - MOMENTS LATER
Adam runs up. The bookstore looks familiar. Adam runs
to the next store. It's a bar. He runs to the next
store. It's the Malt Shop. Adam is thrilled. He tries
the front door and at first it does not open.
INT. MALT SHOP
The Soda Jerk is leading about twelve followers in
Give us a sign! That's all we ask!
Give us some sort of sign!
The front door opens and Adam peers in. He sees the Soda
Jerk; smiles broadly at him and waves. Then he closes
door. The Soda Jerk grabs his heart and faints. His
followers rush to his aid.
INT. TRUCK - MOMENTS LATER
Adam jumps in.
Okay, Troy! Let's get those all-beef
How 'bout we check with Eve first?
So, did you buy a movie?
A magazine? A toy perhaps? In the
(concentrating on his
No, I wouldn't go in one of those
places with a gas mask on.
(laughing in agreement)
I know what you mean! I usually wear
a big hat and dark glasses.
Does that work?
Adam would not have thought that.
INT. EVE'S HOUSE - AN HOUR LATER
Adam springs in, Troy drags in behind him (knowing the
deal). Eve is standing away from the door next to a kind
looking professional woman named Dr.Aron.
Hi, Adam. This is, uh....
I'm Nina Aron, Adam.
How do you do?
Very well, thank you. I'm with the
County Family Services Department. Eve
tells me you've been living in a bomb
shelter most of your life.
Fallout shelter. There's a difference.
Adam, I'd like to introduce you to my
associate -- Mr. Brown.
BROWN appears from the kitchen. He's good-sized man who
dresses casually. Adam becomes uneasy.
He nods politely.
We want you to come with us so we can
talk some more about your experiences.
For how long?
Well, that depends...
I thank you very much for the
invitation, but I'm quite busy today.
Perhaps I could see you tomorrow.
Adam....you should go with Dr. Aron.
It's the best thing. The best thing
for you. I promise.
...All right, Eve. If you say so.
Could I please just go home? I was
lost, but this morning I found home
and I promise not to bother any of you
Let's go talk first, Adam.
The two come forward. One opens the door and one beckons
for Adam to step out.
Adam looks back at Eve, who looks away. Adam exits.
You'll be hearing from me.
She shuts the door. Troy sits dejectedly.
Well what was I supposed to do?! He
wants me to live underground with him!
That's like Silence of the Lambs,
don't you think?!
I know...I know. You did the right
Eve goes to the window and watches as WE SEE ADAM BREAK
FROM BROWN AND RUN OFF with him chasing.
She runs out. He follows.
Adam races down the sidewalk. He cuts left and runs
between houses. Brown is not as fast.
EXT. EVE'S FRONT YARD
Eve and Troy run out to Aron who is dialing her cell
Oh, my God!
He'll catch him.
(then into phone)
Hi. This is Nina Aron. I've got a run
away and I'm going to need police
No! Not the police! Don't call them!
I have to. If a complaint is made and
the person resists obser--
No, I can't have that! They'll come
with their cars and their guns and
Calm down, please. This man needs help
and you need protection from him.
You know, I don't think so. I'm
confused but you know, I don't think
he'd ever hurt me. I don't think he'd
And now you must let me be the judge
I was frightened and I didn't know
what to think! But you know-I believe
him. I think he just wants to go home.
Wherever the hell that is...
Let's all remain calm. That's the key
Suddenly Adam appears from the side of the house,
startling everyone. He tosses his hotel key to Eve.
The key to my hotel room! I want you
to have my baseball cards!
(running to the truck)
And please be sure to pay my bill!
Young man, stop right there!
Aron looks around for Mr. Brown.
Adam jumps into the truck. Aron yells for him to stop.
Stop, right now! Get out of that
Adam, you really shouldn't try to
drive that truck!
(starting the engine)
And thanks for always being happy!
(yelling to Adam)
Well, you're...certainly welcome!
Adam gets the truck in reverse and backs out of the
driveway and into a parked car.
Hey!!! That's my car, you son of a
Getting the truck in first, Adam has to go down the
sidewalk a bungalow or two before he can get back onto
the street. He clips two parked cars as he does. Brown
comes running from the side of the house. His pants are
Where the hell have you been?!
I fell down!
(to Troy and Eve)
What's the license number of that
Don't ask them! They're as fucked-up
as the other guy!
Let's all just try to remain calm.
That's the key thing.
How 'bout I just knock the shit out of
Brown has to grab her.
EXT. U-STORE-IT - LATER, SAME DAY
Eve and Troy arrive in her GEO to see that the two locker
doors are open and much of the stuff has been carried
off. Eve drops her head in disappointment.
I guess he took what he could.
(putting her head in her
Good God...you don't think there
really is a bomb shelter, do you?
She gives him a look.
There's a difference.
INT. SHELTER, PATIO - LATER, SAME DAY
Helen is using the hip-reduction machine while Calvin
reads, How to Win Friends and Influence People. The
distant sound of the hatchway being open gets their
Mom?! Dad?! I'm home!
They jump up and race into the living room, meeting Adam
halfway. The parents kiss and hug their son before
noticing that he's got the Soda Jerk with him.
I've got almost everything we need!
And this nice man...
Archbishop Melker. We met earlier.
He promptly drops to his knees in supplication.
...and his church group have
volunteered to help us bring the
supplies down. But we've got to
Are you in trouble, son?!
I think I'm being chased by a
My goodness! How bad is it up there?!
You have something on your forehead.
INT. ADAM'S HOTEL ROOM - DUSK
Eve and Troy look around. She opens a drawer and sees
how nicely folded and put away things are. Troy notices
"TV Guide" and the Gideon Bible sitting out with a page
marker in it. He opens the night table drawer and takes
out the cigar box.
What do you want to do with it?
Give it back to him.
And if we can't find him?
We'll find him.
INT. BATHROOM, ADAM'S HOTEL ROOM
Eve enters and looks at how tidy Adam's toiletries are;
how the comb is just right in the brush; how the tooth
paste (Ipanna in a '61 tube) has been squeezed from the
bottom; and at how he has hung up his socks to dry. It
makes her very sad. She picks up the toothpaste and
holds it as if it were his ring.
Hey, Eve? Eve?
He enters with stock certificates and sees that she's
very close to crying.
I don't know. Everything's so neat.
It's all just so...goddamn dear.
(starting to cry)
See these? Found them in the box with
the cards. These are stock
certificates. IBM. AT&T. Polaroid.
Instead of taking the certificates, she hands him the
toothpaste and sits down on the bed in a funk.
(looking at the toothpaste)
Ipana. I think I remember that brand.
Oh, here, you should read this.
He holds out the tube and she takes it to read.
EXT. REAR OF MALT SHOP - SAME TIME
Adam, the Soda Jerk and fifteen followers hurriedly
unload the truck, taking provisions into the back door of
the malt shop.
INT. JASON'S OFFICE - SAME TIME
Their pal Jason is on the phone with Troy.
Purchased in 1958 and '59? Ten
thousand shares of each? They'd be
worth millions. Hell, I don't
know...millions upon millions upon
millions! How 'bout that?
INT. HOTEL ROOM - EARLY EVENING
Troy is on the phone. Eve is standing, looking at the
He slams down the phone and jumps to his feet.
Millions upon millions upon millions!
The cards. The stock! The clothes!
The toothpaste! The guy was on the
level! And you blew it! A man walks
into your life who is the kindest,
most polite, honest, trustworthy,
incredibly rich guy you have ever met
in your life!! And what do you do?!
Have him committed.
Yeah! That's thinking.
He was always so "nice"! How was I
supposed to know that's a good thing?!
"Nice" is weird! Nice is...what is
"nice"? It's not cool! I'll tell you
Was it ever?
I don't know. I like to think so.
Well, at least I fell for him before I
found out he was rich! That's new.
Wait a minute! He said today he knew
where home was. What happened this
morning?! Where did you go?!
To get some frozen poultry.
We came back to the house!
You didn't stop anywhere else?!
No. No, wait a minute. We stopped at a
An adult bookstore. He was very
excited about seeing it. You think
home is under a dirty bookstore in the
She heads out.
EXT. ADULT BOOKSTORE - NIGHT
Troy and Eve approach and enter.
INT. ADULT BOOKSTORE - NIGHT
The Pakistani looks up briefly when Eve and Troy enter.
There are two male customers in the bg. Eve taps her foot
on the floor hoping to hear a hollow sound. But it is
solid. She and Troy move about the store tapping their
feet and finally jumping up and down. The Pakistani and
two customers become concerned.
Have you got a basement?
Believe me, all the really good stuff
is right here.
Is there a back entrance?
Are you kidding? Of course.
He points to the rear of the store.
EXT. REAR MALT SHOP PARKING LOT - NIGHT
The Soda Jerk drives the rental truck away leaving the
lot empty and the door to the Malt Shop closed. Troy and
Eve appear after the truck is gone.
Why would you put a fallout shelter
under a porno shop?
None of this stuff was here in 1962.
The Valley was mostly small homes and
Well, we've come a long way, haven't
we? I want to go home.
Yeah. Maybe he'll call.
They turn left to get back to the avenue.
INT. EVE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
The phone is ringing. Then the recorder answers.
Hi. Troy and Eve are out so leave a
message. And if you want to leave a
number don't say it fast! I hate that!
Say it slow. Thank you.
Uh, Eve...this is Adam. Look, I just
wanted to thank you for everything you
did for me...and I wanted to tell you
that I...uh...that I wish so many good
things for you. I wish so hard that
all of your dreams come true. Um...I,
EXT. AVENUE - NIGHT
Eve lets Troy drive. She clutches the cigar box and
rests her head on the seat as they pull away from the
curb in front of the bookstore. A low rider passes them
on the left. Eve sees an old hag being shoved out of the
bar and a homeless man slipping into the abandoned malt
shop and the cross-dressing STREET WALKER making eyes at
passing cars and Adam hanging up the pay phone he just
She rolls down her window.
ANGLE - ADAM
Turning when he hears Eve yell his name.
ANGLE - EVE
Running from the car. The cigar box falls to the street
and the contents scatter. Eve could care less. Besides,
Troy is there to retrieve everything.
In a series of cuts and slo-mo action the couple race
into each other's arms...to the pleasure of all the
lowlifes mentioned above. Now the street looks more like
Capra than Scorsese. She's surprised that she wants to
kiss him so bad. He's surprised that he gets so
INT. SHELTER, KITCHEN - LATER, SAME NIGHT
Helen watches Calvin work on the timing device for the
locks with a screwdriver.
How long will you set it for this
I thought ten years.
Well, that's...considerably shorter
than before. I was wondering, Calvin,
why set the locks at all. I mean the
radiation is gone and...
To keep what's up there from getting
down here! It's not the radiation I'm
They turn to see Adam walking forward with Eve.
I'd like for you to meet Miss Eve
Calvin knows a Russian name when he hears one. But he
chooses not to pursue it.
(stepping forward, offering
How do you do, Mrs. Webber? Mr.
Uh-huh. I've heard so many wonderful
things about you.
Well, please excuse us! We...we
haven't entertained a guest in...um...
What can I offer you, Eve?
Mom? Eve and I have to go.
I can't explain it now. But I want
you to set the locks for two months.
You have more than enough of
everything. Then we'll be back to get
But, I don't understand.
And, I'm asking you to trust me
without understanding why.
Well, in that case...of course, son.
They are wonderful parents.
We have to go.
No, wait! At least stay for dinner!
Yes, please! You must.
INT. BAR - AN HOUR LATER
Calvin mixes drinks just like he did at the party in
1962. Adam is with him.
INT. - KITCHEN
Helen races around, just like she did in 1962, getting
the roast ready. Eve. watches.
Adam said I shouldn't mention the
Oh, yes! Please, don't mention the
INT. - DINING ROOM
Helen hurries out of the kitchen to take her seat. The
others are already there.
Eve. I hope I'm not being nosey, but
are you and Adam...um...dating?
Yes, Mrs. Webber we are.
I'm also from Pasadena.
Helen nearly comes unglued. Calvin is pleased, too. He
raises his tea cup.
A toast! To Adam and Eve!
The others also raise their cups and everyone clicks.
Then they drink.
What is this sh...stuff?!
Hot Dr. Pepper! Most people don't know
how good it is heated up.
You know, they don't, do they?
They begin to eat.
What about grace?
Oh, my goodness! We almost forgot!
I like your friend, Adam.
They all join hands and lower their heads. Calvin leads
And you thought your parents were
EXT. BEAUTIFUL VALLEY NORTH OF LA - MORNING
Adam and Eve are with a REAL ESTATE BROKER. The broker
unlocks the gate of a chain-link fence and Adam and Eve
step onto the property. The broker's Lexus is in the b.g.
It's like the Garden of Eden, don't
Adam and Eve respond but we can't hear them under Eve's
You see, that night, Adam had a choice
between me and his parents.
SCENE 173 OMITTED
EXT. VALLEY PROPERTY - DAY
Adam and Eve are working with a TEAM OF ARCHITECTS AND
CONTRACTORS at the site of a new home. They have plans
and are discussing dimensions.
It's truly amazing what you can get
done when you have unlimited funds.
Did you know you can have whole houses
built in just a matter of months. All
you have to say is this..."I don't
care what it costs." And then, of
course, you've got
to really mean it, which no one ever
EXT. NEW HOUSE - DAY
It is under construction.
EXT. MELROSE RETRO FURNITURE STORE - DAY
Adam, Eve and Troy enter.
INT. RETRO STORE
This is great stuff from the fifties and the sixties.
Adam finds things very similar to what he grew up with.
lamp (or something) that's just like the lamp (or
something) from the Webber living room.
That lamp is perfect!
I'm holding that for Elton John.
(faggy right back)
Oh, I think not.
SCENE 176 OMITTED (REFER TO SCENE 172D)
EXT. STREET IN FRONT OF MALT SHOP (FLASHBACK) - NIGHT
Adam and Eve embracing as Troy picks up baseball cards
and the street people look on.
Eve, I've got to go back! My parents
can't handle this up here. And there
was no bomb, was there?
See! I can't tell them that! I can't
ever let them know. It makes their
a joke. I can't let that happen. You
We can make this work, Adam! Believe
me! I'm very good at making things
My mother's like that.
They kiss again.
INT. MALT SHOP - DAY
Eve and Troy are showing large color drawings to the Soda
Jerk. In CU we see the Malt Shop exterior all dolled up
with a big lighted sign that says "GIVE ME SHELTER."
There's valet parking and the Adult Bookstore and Bar
have been turned into a Souvenir Center (think Planet
Hollywood). Another drawing shows fashionable guests
boarding the elevator.
It took a while to convince Archbishop
Milker that Adam wasn't God, and he
was pretty broken up about it, too,
until I showed him my plans for Los
Angeles' hottest and most original
Other drawings show dancing on the shelter patio and
guided tours being shown various parts of the shelter.
You'll be a ten percent partner and
still retain ownership of the
Praise the Lord. And I mean the real
EXT. BEAUTIFUL VALLEY NORTH OF L.A. - TWO MONTHS LATER
A 1962 Cadillac leads a 1962 windowless van through
automatic gates that have signs on them saying: PRIVATE
ROAD and NO TRESPASSING. Troy drives the van. Eve drives
the Cadillac. Adam is her passenger.
Our idea was to bring Adam's parents
up to the surface very slowly. Make
them very comfortable and then break
the bad news to them that there was no
nuclear holocaust. And if that doesn't
kill them Adam's going to tell his
father about the Internet.
EXT. EXACT REPLICA OF THE WEBBER HOUSE - DAY
The cars pull up and Adam lets his parents out. They go
bonkers when they see the house.
INT. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
The parents enter first. They are thrilled, shocked, etc.
INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER
As a demonstration, Troy removes a hot cup of coffee from
the microwave. Helen is happy to see this handy new
device. Calvin, the inventor, sticks his head into the
machine to investigate its workings.
INT. FAMILY ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Adam demonstrates the VCR to his parents as Troy and Eve
You put the tape in here and you get a
movie -- in your own home.
We see the main title to Natural Born Killers come up on
the screen. Troy and Eve rush forward.
INT. ADAM'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME
It has been turned into an office for Calvin.
This is your bedroom?
No, Mom, I've turned it into Dad's
Well, where are you --
Eve and I...eloped. We're married.
Is that all right?
It's wonderful, dear! Wonderful!!
Calvin! They're married!
(offering his hand to both)
That's wonderful. We Webber guys have
mighty good luck when it comes to
Calvin points out the computer.
What's that thing?
It's kind of a combination television-
typewriter-telephone-post office type
(leading Calvin out)
I'll show it to you later.
EXT. PATIO - AN HOUR LATER
Adam and Calvin exit the house. They wear baseball gloves
and start playing catch. (Calvin notes the modern
construction of his glove, but does not comment on it.)
This is great son, just great. By the
way, Eve's last name. Rus-to-kov,
that's not Russian, is it?
It's Ukrainian. Her grandparents
Dad, I don't know how to tell you
this. And I was going to wait a while,
but I think...Dad,there was no bomb.
A plane crashed into our backyard. I
looked it up in old newspapers.
(after a while)
Positive. The Soviet Union collapsed
without a shot being fired. The Cold
War is over.
That's what everybody believes?
Yes, sir. It's true.
What? Did the politburo just one day
say - "We give up?"
Yes. That's kind of how it was.
Adam throws the ball, but Calvin makes no attempt to
My gosh, those Commies are brilliant!
You've got to hand it to 'em! "No, we
didn't drop any bombs! Oh yes, our
evil empire has collapsed! Poor, poor
us!" I bet they've even asked the
West for aid! Right?!
Uh, I think they have.
Hah!!! Those cagey rascals! Those sly
dissemblers! Those, uh...
(he can't think of another
description, so he moves on)
They've finally pulled the wool over
Have you ever in your life seen a son
who did more for his parents?
Helen comes out with a tray of champagne cocktails.
Adam says that this is simply how
things work. First the parents take
care of the children and then the
children take care
of the parents. He says historically,
that's how it works.
INT. LIVING ROOM
Eve and Troy are sitting by the window. Adam and Helen
come in to offer cocktails to Troy and Eve.
Whenever Adam gives me such obviously
incorrect information, I just smile,
slap him on the knee, and look out the
Why spoil his dreams? They're such
The CAMERA wanders off of them and shoots out the glass
doors. We see Calvin behind the house...measuring off the
dimensions for a fallout shelter.
EXT. HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Calvin continues to measure as we pull way back and up.
Perry Como sings "We'll Meet Again".