SUPERBAD
Written by
Seth Rogen & Evan Goldberg
July 20, 2006
OPENING CREDITS OVER SUPER-FUNKY BLAXPLOITATION-STYLE MUSIC,
which builds to an exciting crescendo filling us with the
expectation of a thrilling, action-packed opening sequence.
Instead we get:
INT. SETH'S CAR - MORNING
Seth, seventeen, a bit heavyset, in the midst of a sad
attempt at growing a goatee and clearly a terrible driver,
cruises along while fiddling with the CD player. He pulls out
his cell and dials.
SETH
Yo.
INTERCUT WITH:
INT. EVAN'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
2 2
Evan, seventeen, a little too tall and slim, a boy who
clearly never figured out how to style his hair, is finishing
off a bowl of cereal. He is on his cell phone.
EVAN
What's up?
SETH
I was doing research last night, for next
year, and I think I'm gonna go with Bang
Bus.
EVAN
Which one's Bang Bus?
SETH
The one where they bang the chicks on the
bus. Thirteen bucks a month. Total
access, live Web Cam feed. The works.
It'll be like I'm on the bus, banging
them myself.
EVAN
That stuff's bullshit, they're all faking
it. And plus, your parents are gonna look
at the bill.
SETH
It shows up under a different name.
(beat)
I hope. Bang Bus.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
2.
2 CONTINUED: 2
SETH (CONT'D)
That wouldn't look good. Maybe I should
just pick the one with the least dirty
sounding name.
EVAN
Weapons of Ass Destruction's out then.
Seth pulls up in front of a house.
SETH
I could tell my parents I'm doing a
project on Rome and I have to research
orgies.
EXT. EVAN'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
3 3
Evan walks out his front door. WE REVEAL he is walking
towards Seth's car.
EVAN
(still into phone)
Yeah. Just tell them your taking a class
on blow jobs.
They both hang up and Evan gets in the car. Seth is about to
pull away, when EVAN'S MOTHER comes out the front door.
EVAN'S MOM
Thanks for taking him, Seth.
Evan changes the radio station. Seth slaps his hand.
SETH
Don't touch that!
EVAN'S MOM
You two are so funny. I can't imagine
what you'll do without each other next
year. Evan told me you didn't get into
State.
SETH
Yeah, you know. I got some other places.
Good places. I think we'll be fine.
EVAN'S MOM
Are you going to miss each other?
EVAN
Miss each other? No!
(CONTINUED)
3.
3 CONTINUED: 3
SETH
That's disgusting.
MOM
Bye, boys.
Seth and Evan drive off.
SETH
I am truly, truly jealous that you got to
suck on those tits when you were a baby.
EVAN
Fuck you, man.
EXT. CLARK SECONDARY- SOON AFTER
4 4
They drive up to Clark Secondary. There is a giant sign that
reads "Seniors - Two Glorious Weeks Until Graduation". Seth
turns into the STAFF parking lot.
INT/EXT. 7-11 STORE - MOMENTS LATER
5 5
Seth and Evan walk past a group of smokers, towards the 7-11.
EVAN
You're being an idiot, man. You really
shouldn't park there.
SETH
Fuck it. I'm a senior about to graduate.
They should be suckin' my balls. It's the
least they can do for stealing three
years of my life.
They walk past DIMITRI (18, big Native American guy) as they
enter the store. Dimitri aggressively bumps his shoulder into
Seth.
EVAN
What the hell's wrong with Dimitri?
SETH
Oh, yeah dude, I forgot to tell you. I
knocked the fuckin' shit out of him in
capture the flag last week.
EVAN
Good! 9th Grade Camp he gave me whiplash
in "King of the Ring." I fucking hate
that guy.
They go to the magazine rack and stare at a Maxim cover.
(CONTINUED)
4.
5 CONTINUED: 5
EVAN (CONT'D)
Look at those nipples.
SETH
They're like baby toes.
EVAN
It's not fair. I have to hide every
erection I get.
SETH
Sometimes I get boners so big I can't
hide them. And then I get nervous and my
heart starts pounding, and it all just,
like, feeds my boner. It just becomes
this...thing...that's attached to me. And
it won't go away.
EVAN
Just imagine if girls weren't weirded out
by our boners and they actually wanted to
see `em, like this shit.
SETH
You know it's been, like, a year and a
half since I've seen an actual human
female nipple. Besides my mom's. I saw it
last month, and it was sick.
EVAN
Holy shit. Liat was two years ago? I
guess so. She was insanely hot, though.
SETH
Exactly. Too hot. That's what sucks.
EVAN
How can that possibly suck? I'd be
fuckin' psyched if I'd gotten with a girl
that hot. You got, like, two dozen
handjobs!
SETH
And three quarters of a blowjob, But that
was fuckin' it. It was the peak of my ass-
gettin' career, and it happened way, way,
way too early.
EVAN
You're like Orson Welles.
(CONTINUED)
5.
5 CONTINUED: (2) 5
SETH
Exactly! If I'd built up to it, I'd
probably at least be having steady sex
with a mediocre-looking girl at this
point. I honestly now see why Orson
Welles ate his fat ass to death.
EVAN
You'll have sex in college. Everyone
does. And if not, you'll have the Bang
Bus.
SETH
But the key is to be good at sex by the
time you're in college. You don't want
girls to think you suck dick at fucking.
EVAN
I still think you've got a chance with
Jules. She got mad hot over last summer,
and clearly hasn't realized it, `cause
she still flirts with you.
SETH
Are you joking, man? Let's see here...she
dated Dan Remick, Matt Muir, Josh Corber
and what's-his-face. All of those were
cool guys. She's been hot way longer than
you think. Why would she end her high
school career with me?
EVAN
Well, Helen got with Ariel Shafir.
SETH
Yeah, and he was a complete fucking
loser. You're a step up from that. Which
is why you should stop being a pussy and
do her! You could nailthe shit out of
her for, like, two months before you
leave. That bitch looks like a good
fucker.
EVAN
Hey! I'm sick of you talking about her
like that, man!
Evan starts to walk out. Seth follows.
SETH
What, you can talk about that bitch all
day every single day, but I can't say one
thing about her?
(CONTINUED)
6.
5 CONTINUED: (3) 5
EVAN
I don't constantly insult her.
SETH
I didn't insult her! I said she looks
like a good fucker! She looks like she
can take a dick. That's a good thing.
Some women pride themselves on their dick-
taking abilities.
EXT. 7-11 - CONTINUOUS
6 6
Seth and Evan come out the front doors. TERRY, one of the
rough-looking smokers, calls out.
TERRY
Yo. Seth. Did you hear I'm having the big
grad party?
Evan, a little scared, keeps his distance.
SETH
No.
TERRY
Yeah.
Terry spits on Seth's shirt.
TERRY (CONT'D)
And you're not coming. Tell your fucking
faggot friend he can't come either.
Seth wipes the spit off. He looks at Terry and seems as
though he's about to say something, but is interrupted when
Terry starts hocking up more spit. Seth runs away as Terry
and his friends laugh. He catches up to Evan and they head
back to school.
EVAN
Wow. You really bitched out on that one.
SETH
I bitched out? You bitched out! You were
across the street before I even realized
what was going on.
(beat)
That guy's such a douche bag.
EXT. CLARK SECONDARY OVAL RUNNING TRACK - DAY
7 7
(CONTINUED)
7.
7 CONTINUED: 7
BIRD'S EYE VIEW OF A P.E. CLASS
There are 30 guys standing behind the starting line of the
school's track. We hear a TEACHER yell "Go!" and the boys
start running.
We FOLLOW them from above. All the boys keep pretty much the
same pace except for one runner who slowly lags behind. The
group gets so far ahead of the him that he is alone in the
frame. He stops.
CLOSE UP OF THE RUNNER:
Kneeling on the track breathing heavily. It's Seth.
SETH
(panting)
This...is...bullshit.
A moment later a KID with prosthetic leg jogs by.
KID
(as he passes Seth)
Poo-say.
INT. CLARK SECONDARY CLASSROOM - DAY
8 8
Evan is sitting in math class staring at HELEN'S breasts.
She`s a very tall girl and is athletic in a sexy way, wearing
volleyball team sweat pants and a tank top. He looks up from
her breasts to her face: she is staring right at him. He
immediately looks to the front of the class, embarrassed.
The bell rings and everyone leaves. Helen walks up to Evan as
they enter the hallway. He's really nervous. She offers him a
pen.
HELEN
Hey Evan, thanks for the pen.
EVAN
Oh, don't worry, no worries. Just keep
it. Then you'll just have it, and you
won't have to borrow another pen.
HELEN
Thanks...uh...I was going to ask you, did
you hear about Terry's grad party? It's
going to be so insane.
EVAN
Yeah, it's a maybe. But, you know, I
gotta, I got my...
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
8.
8 CONTINUED: 8
EVAN (CONT'D)
there's so much other fun shit that is
going to be going on that night...so, you
know...
HELEN
Fun shit? But I, like, never see you at
any parties or anything.
EVAN
Because of all the other fun shit I'm off
doing.
HELEN
(playful)
Okay. So why weren't you at Dimitri's
party on Saturday?
EVAN
Dimitri's? I uh...didn't want to go,
because, well, I did other stuff.
Saturday...
(nervous, he desperately
thinks)
Oh yeah! Saturday night was awesome!
(The real version of Evan's story is shown through a montage
of quick flashbacks.)
EVAN (CONT'D) (V.O)
First my parents went out to a double
feature, so a bunch of people came
over...
INT. EVAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
9 9
Seth is there. Evan and him are surfing the Bang Bus web
site. FOGELL arrives with a bottle of Sambuca. Fogell is one
of those seniors who looks like he's thirteen years old.
EVAN
...and we had a couple drinks in my
basement...
An empty bottle of Sambuca in front of them and empty beer
cans at their feet, the three boys each shotgun a beer.
EVAN (CONT'D) (V.O)
...and Seth's parents were having this
cocktail party, and we went over there
to, like, mingle...
9.
INT SETH'S HOUSE - NIGHT
10 10
Seth's parents are having a fancy cocktail party. The boys
are drunk as hell.
EVAN
...and there were actually some really
interesting and, like, entertaining
people there...
The boys laugh hysterically as they each shake Tobassco Sauce
onto their tongues. They writhe around in agony as several
adults look at them like they are morons.
EVAN (CONT'D) (V.O.)
...and, uh, then we saw some, uh, live
music.
INT. SETH'S HOUSE - BASEMENT - NIGHT
11 11
In Seth's basement, the boys violently wrestle. Evan gives
Fogell a bloody nose, but they all can't help but laugh.
EVAN
...then we went to a club downtown...
EXT. STRIP CLUB - NIGHT
12 12
The bouncer of a dirty strip club rejects them.
EVAN
...and then we pretty much called it a
night and went home...
INT. TBD HOUSE - NIGHT
13 13
Evan pukes all over Seth. Evan and Fogell laugh hysterically
as Seth yells at them.
INT. CLARK SECONDARY HALLWAY - DAY
14 14
We return to Evan talking to Helen in the halls.
EVAN
...you would've loved it.
HELEN
That sounds so fun. I would love to go do
something like that.
(CONTINUED)
10.
14 CONTINUED: 14
EVAN
Yeah...well, you know, me and Seth are
always cooking up...uh...fun
little...events.
Helen is disappointed in his response.
HELEN
So, are you guys going to the same school
next year?
EVAN
Nah. We were going to but, uh, we got
into different ones.
HELEN
What are you going to do without him?
EVAN
Same shit I've always been doing. It'll
be fine. Don't worry about it. I'm not.
INT. FOODS AND NUTRITION ROOM - NEXT PERIOD
15 15
Students file into the home economics room. The blackboard
reads, TODAY: TIRAMISU. The ingredients are listed below.
Seth is talking to the cooking teacher.
SETH
Mrs. Grier, I joined this class because I
thought I'd be cooking with a partner.
It's not fair. She's never here. I don't
get twice the marks for doing all the
work.
MRS. GREIR
I didn't invent odd numbers, Seth.
SETH
Look at Evan.
Evan is playfully throwing flour at a tiny Japanese boy. They
both laugh hard.
SETH (CONT'D)
While I'm over in my unit, isolated and
alone, eating my terrible-tasting food
because I can't even properly mix
ingredients by myself, I gotta look over
at that.
(CONTINUED)
11.
15 CONTINUED: 15
The Japanese boy ties Evan's apron. Evan then turns around
and ties the boy's apron. They both look happy.
SETH (CONT'D)
I wash and dry. And that is B.S. I'm like
a single mother.
MRS. GREIR
Well, save it for next week. Today Jules'
partner isn't here either. Pair up with
her. Station four.
SETH
Jules?
The teacher walks away. Seth looks over to station four,
nervous as hell.
ANGLE ON: Jules, well-dressed and "popular" looking. She
stands alone at station four, laying out utensils.
Seth musters his courage and walks towards Jules. He stops,
unsure of what to say.
JULES
Hey Seth, your partner didn't come again?
SETH
That's kind of a personal question.
JULES
What?
SETH
(nervous)
Nothing. It was my attempt at humour.
JULES
Well, uh, maybe I kidnapped her so you'd
be forced to work with me. There's my
attempt at humour.
SETH
Well, I would call that a success.
(reading recipe sheet)
Marscampone... scamponee cheese? Is that
some kind of new cheese or something?
JULES
All cheese tastes the same to me anyway.
SETH
Except blue cheese. That stuff is sick.
(CONTINUED)
12.
15 CONTINUED: (2) 15
JULES
Thank you! Yes! My older brother always
eats blue cheese. You know that stuff is
actually moldy. Like, they tell you it's
moldy, then they tell you to eat it
anyway.
SETH
Well whoever "they" are, they can eat my
dick.
INT. FOODS AND NUITRITION ROOM - LATER
16 16
Jules watches as Seth awkwardly removes the tiramisu from the
oven and places it on the table.
JULES
What are you doing tonight?
SETH
I don't know, probably nothing. Why?
JULES
My parents are out of town and I'm
thinking of having a party. I don't know
how big it'll be, but you should come
anyways.
SETH
Yeah. Sure. That sounds fun. I love
parties.
JULES
Really? I don't usually see you at them.
SETH
Oh, uh. It's more of, like, a love-hate
thing. Right now I love them, though.
Uh...how do I do this?
JULES
I'll write down my address and number.
ANGLE ON: Evan.
Evan is standing by the sink scrubbing a tray. Behind him, at
the table, is the small Japanese boy eating the tiramisu.
EVAN
That's good shit. Huh, Miroki?
Seth walks up to Evan.
(CONTINUED)
13.
16 CONTINUED: 16
SETH
(whispering)
Dude! She's havin' a fuckin' party.
ANGLE ON: Fogell entering the room
SETH (CONT'D)
(whispering)
Don't tell Fogell about the party.
FOGELL
Hey guys, I was walking here, and on the
way, I saw Nicola, and she was wearing
these tight white pants and a black g-
string and you could see it right through
the pants.
INT. HALLWAY (FLASHBACK) - EARLIER
17 17
We see Fogell, looking at the ass of NICOLA, an incredibly
hot girl who exudes sexual vibes and looks a little skanky;
you can see her black g-string through her tight white pants.
She turns and notices Fogell. He gives an awkward look.
FOGELL
It's nine thirty.
NICOLA
What?
INT. FOODS AND NUITRITION ROOM (PRESENT) - CONTINUOUS
18 18
Back to Fogell, Seth and Evan.
FOGELL
I told her what time it was. It was
awesome. She's got the nicest ass.
SETH
Like you'd know what to do with it.
FOGELL
Ha ha. I'm really gonna miss your knee-
slappers when me and Evan are at State.
SETH
(pissed)
Yeah, well I'll be at Junior college
where the girls are half as smart, and
thus twice as likely to blow me.
FOGELL
What are you guys doing tonight?
(CONTINUED)
14.
18 CONTINUED: 18
SETH
Nothing. Sorry. You'll just have to
fingerbang yourself.
EVAN
(to Fogell)
What you doing?
FOGELL
Well, Seth always said I was too much of
a pussy, but he was wrong. It's been
arranged. At lunch, I'm going to the same
place Mike Snider went to pick up my
brand new false identification card.
SETH
Dude! That's perfect, `cause, Evan,
didn't you just say that you heard about
a party?
FOGELL
(to Evan)
Why didn't you tell me?
SETH
Shut up. Who cares? Just be happy he
told. And hey! Now you can buy the booze.
FOGELL
Sounds cool. Cool.
MRS. GREIR (O.S.)
If you're not in this class, leave this
class!
EVAN
Well done, man. We'll see you after
class.
Fogell leaves.
SETH
Did you tell that nimrod you're not going
to room with him?
EVAN
Uh...no, not yet.
SETH
You better, man. That guy is a poon-tang
repellent.
Seth sees Jules coming.
(CONTINUED)
15.
18 CONTINUED: (2) 18
JULES
Seth, dishes time. What's the hold up?
SETH
We're getting a fake ID.
JULES
Well, you two have four more years to
cuddle, so let's get to work.
EVAN
Actually, we're going to different
schools.
JULES
Really? You're cutting the cord? What's
going to happen?
SETH
Nothing! Jesus.
EVAN
Yeah? What do people think is gonna
happen? That's what I don't get.
SETH
We're not, like, dependent on each other.
EVAN
We met when we were 8, we were fine
before then. It's not like we do
everything together.
INT. CLARK SECONDARY CAFETERIA - DAY
19 19
Seth and Evan are eating together.
EVAN
So it looks like we get a little
graduation party after all.
SETH
I would do terrible things to get with
Jules tonight. Terrible things.
EVAN
No shit. I'd give my left foot to start
dating Helen. She's killin' me.
SETH
Ah, Helen's a bitch.
Evan slams his fist on the table.
(CONTINUED)
16.
19 CONTINUED: 19
EVAN
I'm fuckin' sick of this shit, man!
Seriously. Why do you hate her? Is there
even an actual reason? Because seriously,
I'm beginning you think you like her.
SETH
Hell no! I hate her.
EVAN
Why?
SETH
I was never going to tell you this story,
because I knew that if you heard it you
would never want to get with Helen, but
over the last few weeks I've been having
a hard time thinking of a reason not to.
So, here it is. Helen and I went to
elementary school together, right?
(beat)
Well, in the third grade, I
had...like...an odd problem. For some
reason, I don't know why, I used to have
this thing...where I would...like,
kinda...sit around all day and draw
pictures of dicks.
EVAN
What?
INT/EXT VARIOUS LOCATIONS
20 20
A MONTAGE of FLASHBACKS of YOUNG SETH (Age 10) drawing
pictures of dicks in various places. A PARK, AT HOME, IN A
SANDBOX, and finally, in a SCHOOL CLASSROOM.
SETH (V.O.)
I'd just sit there for hours on end
drawing dicks. I don't know what it was.
I couldn't touch the pen to paper without
it drawing a penis.
EVAN (V.O.)
That's fucked.
SETH (V.O.)
No shit that's fucked up. Here I am this
little kid who can't stop drawing dicks
to save his life.
17.
INT. CLARK SECONDARY CAFETERIA -PRESENT
21 21
EVAN
What does that have to do with Helen?
SETH
Just listen.
INT. RANDOLPH ELEMENTARY CLASSROOM -FLASHBACK
22 22
Young Seth is still sitting at his desk drawing penises.
SETH (V.O.)
I was very secretive about this dick
thing I had going, after all, even I
thought I was a loon, lord knows what
other people would have thought. So I
would take all my dick drawings and stick
them in this Muppet lunch-box I had.
We see Young Seth sticking a picture of a penis in a lunch-
box filled with pieces of paper.
INT. RANDOLPH ELEMENTARY CLASSROOM - DAY
23 23
Young Seth is drawing, however it is a different day.
SETH (V.O.)
So one day I was finishing up a picture
of a real big and veiny bastard, when all
of a sudden...
Young Seth drops the picture of the dick off his desk. It
floats down and hits the feet of a cute little girl, YOUNG
HELEN.
INT. CLARK SECONDARY CAFETERIA - PRESENT
24 24
EVAN
You hit Helen's foot with your dick?
INT. RANDOLPH ELEMENTARY CLASSROOM - MOMENTS LATER
25 25
The little girl picks up the picture and looks at it with a
truly disturbed look on her face. Young Seth grabs the
picture from her and shoves it into his lunch-box.
INT. CLARK SECONDARY CAFETERIA - PRESENT
26 26
SETH
Well she fucking flipped. She started
crying and shit. Ratted me out.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
18.
26 CONTINUED: 26
SETH (CONT'D)
The principle finds my cock-Muppet lunch-
box, and he fucking flips.
INT. RANDOLPH ELEMENTARY PRINCIPLE'S OFFICE - DAY
27 27
A FLASHBACK of Young Seth sitting in the principle's office.
The Muppet lunch-box is open and the penis drawings are
completely covering his desk.
SETH (V.O.)
It turns out the principle was some crazy
religious guy and he thought I was
possessed by some dick devil or
something.
The principal puts his hand on Seth's head and begins praying
for his soul.
INT. CLARK SECONDARY CAFETERIA - PRESENT
28 28
SETH
So, he calls my parents and they make me
go to a psychologist who kept asking me
all these dick questions. My parents
wouldn't even let me eat dick-shaped
foods for, like, months! No carrots, no
Pop-sicles, no hot-dogs. You know how
many fucking foods are shaped like dick?
EVAN
(half amazed, half amused)
Wow. That's really messed up.
SETH
I can't even stand to look at her punk
face.
(beat)
I'm going to go take a piss. Peace.
INT. CLARK SECONDARY BATHROOM - LATER
29 29
Seth finishes his piss. He goes over to the sink, looks at it
for a moment, then walks out of the bathroom.
INT. CLARK SECONDARY HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
30 30
Just as Seth turns the corner he sees Jules, Nicola, and
SHIRLEY standing by their lockers. Jules spots Seth.
JULES
Seth. There you are.
Jules turns and says goodbye to Nicola, who walks away. Jules
and Shirley turn to meet Seth.
(CONTINUED)
19.
30 CONTINUED: 30
SETH
Hey. Here I am.
JULES
So you're coming to my party, right? It's
fully on.
SETH
Yeah. Why? Should I not?
JULES
No, no, no. I really want you to come.
But...uh, you did say you were getting a
fake ID or something, is that right?
SETH
Very right. Right. I'm getting that.
SHIRLEY
Can you get us drinks?
SETH
Ummm... I don't know. I... think...maybe.
JULES
(half joking)
Come on, you scratch our backs, we'll
scratch yours.
SETH
Well, funny thing about my back. It's
located on my cock.
Shirley is offended. Jules laughs a little. Seth laughs too
hard.
SETH (CONT'D)
Ha! Alright, sure. I can do that. What do
you guys want?
JULES
Well, this is actually, like, a big
favor, but, well, my parents gave me like
a hundred bucks to feed myself for the
week, but the house if full of food, so I
figure I should just spend all of it on
extra drinks for the party.
SETH
Wow. I would never even think of doing
something that nice.
Jules hands Seth a hundred dollars.
(CONTINUED)
20.
30 CONTINUED: (2) 30
JULES
Well, this is really nice of you. I mean,
I really appreciate this.
Seth can't believe what he's hearing. He can barely contain
his smile.
SETH
Should I just get, like, a shitload of
different shit?
JULES
Whatever shit you think people would
like, I don't really know.
SHIRLEY
I want Mike's Hard Lemonade.
JULES
Okay. I'll see you tonight.
SETH
Yeah! I'll see you!
The girls walk off, leaving Seth lost in thought. He suddenly
runs down the hall.
EXT. SCHOOL FIELD - MOMENTS LATER
31 31
Evan is standing alone amidst the rest of his gym class as
they play soccer.
GYM TEACHER
Evan, get into the game.
Evan says nothing and the teacher soon redirects his
attention elsewhere. Evan sees Seth jogging towards him.
SETH
(out of breath, worked up)
Man, just - Evan, listen to me. You know
Jules? You know what she just did? She
came up to me and asked me if I would buy
her alcohol. Not just her, her whole
party. Do you know what that means? It
means that by some miracle, we were
paired up, we talked, and she actually
thought of me afterwards. Thought of me
enough to decide that I was the guy that
she was going to trust the fun-ness of
her party with. She wants me! She fucking
wants my dick!
(CONTINUED)
21.
31 CONTINUED: 31
EVAN
Did you ever think maybe she's just using
you to get her alcohol?
SETH
Of course I thought of that! LISTEN TO
THIS!
INT. FOODS AND NUITRITION ROOM (FLASHBACK)
32 32
The same scene as before with Seth and Jules in class.
JULES
Yeah! My older brother always eats blue
cheese. You know that stuff is actually
moldy.
EXT. SCHOOL FIELD - PRESENT
33 33
SETH
She has an older brother! She could have
asked him, but she asked me! She looked
me straight in the face and asked me. She
wants to fuck me, man. Do you understand
that? Fucking! Today is the day that
fucking has become possible.
EVAN
Are you stupid? You're not going to be
able to sleep with her tonight.
SETH
She's going to be at the party, she's
gonna be drunk, and she likes me at least
a little, so I can get with her. Then, I
make her my girlfriend, and then I fuck
her all summer long! Then, by the time
college rolls around, I'm the fuckin'
fucking master, man!
EVAN
Make her your girlfriend? Of course!
That's good. So, hypnosis, love potion,
or mind-control helmet?
SETH
Once I've gotten with her, I write her
love letters, flowers, I'll do anything -
I'll be the most pussy-whipped guy in the
universe - what chick wouldn't go out
with a guy like that?
(CONTINUED)
22.
33 CONTINUED: 33
The soccer ball rolls towards them. They both watch as it
rolls by.
CLASSMATE
What the hell, Evan?
Evan shrugs back.
CLASSMATE (CONT'D)
Fuck you, man.
SETH
Fuck off, Greg. Why don't you piss your
pants again?
CLASSMATE
That was, like, eight years ago, asshole!
He runs off.
SETH
(to Evan)
Wanna hear the best part?
EVAN
(sarcastic)
Oh, I haven't?
SETH
Helen!
Evan looks upset, assuming that Seth is about to trash-talk
Helen, as usual.
SETH (CONT'D)
You do the same thing, man! Buy Helen her
alcohol. Then, tonight, when you guys are
both drunk, get with her! This is the
last party we're ever going to go to as
high school people! I've fully ignored my
hatred for Helen in coming up with this,
which is a big ass deal. We need to stop
being pussy and for once just goes balls
out, man!
Evan seems to be swayed.
EVAN
I should get Helen alcohol?
SETH
Of course! It'll be pimp, and then you
know she'll be drunk.
(CONTINUED)
23.
33 CONTINUED: (2) 33
EVAN
Have you talked to Fogell?
SETH
You talk to Helen, I'll find that retard
Fogell.
INT. HALLWAY - LATER
34 34
Everyone is rushing to class. Evan hurries through the halls
and finds Helen at her locker.
EVAN
Hey Helen! Hold up. Did you hear about
the party tonight?
HELEN
Yeah, I just heard. It sounds sweet.
You're not coming, are you?
EVAN
No, no, I am. That's why I came looking
for you. Me and some guys are going to
the liquor store after class, so I was
thinking I could buy you yours, if you
needed someone to.
HELEN
Yeah! That'd be great, that'd save me
such a hassle, cause I was going to beg
my sister, but yeah, could you get me,
like, a bottle of Goldschlager? I'll pay
you back tonight.
EVAN
You will absolutely not. It's my treat.
HELEN
Wow. Thanks, Evan.
Evan swings a friendly little punch at Helen's shoulder, but
someone walks into him, causing him to nail her in directly
in the tit!
HELEN (CONT'D)
Hey! You punched my tit!
EVAN
(mortified)
I'm sorry! Shit, shit. I'm so sorry! I
just wanted to give you a friendly nudge
in the arm, you know? I'm so sorry.
(CONTINUED)
24.
34 CONTINUED: 34
HELEN
(giggling)
Don't worry about it. So I'll see you at
the party?
EVAN
Yeah. I'll see you then. I'm so sorry
about that.
EXT. CLARK SECONDARY - CONTINUOUS
35 35
Seth is waiting angrily in front of the school. Evan comes
out the front doors.
SETH
That douche bag isn't back yet, I've been
standing here with my thumb up my ass.
EVAN
I did it, dude. I even offered to pay for
it. It was pimp.
SETH
Whoa. That is fucking pimp. Why didn't I
do that? Shit.
The bell rings.
INT. WOODSHOP CLASS - CONTINUOUS
36 36
Seth and Evan work side by side in the woodshop.
SETH
(yelling over the machines)
That's what we get for trusting a mental
midget! He's fucking it all up! I bet he
pussied out, just like I said he would!
EXT. CLARK SECONDARY - AFTER SCHOOL
37 37
Seth and Evan walk out the front door.
SETH
I mean, what are we going to tell the
girls? "Sorry, we couldn't do what we
promised because we're dickless
incompetents!" We'll never get laid
because of that little ass-fuck. How did
he get in to State?! He's got shit for
brains! Shit! How else can we get liquor?
FOGELL (O.S.)
Hey guys!
(CONTINUED)
25.
37 CONTINUED: 37
Seth and Evan turn around to see Fogell running after them.
EVAN
Where have you been?
SETH
Yeah! You almost gave me a goddamn heart
attack! You better fucking have it, where
is it?
FOGELL
I got it. It's flawless! It's great, man,
look.
Fogell reaches into his pocket and pulls out the fake ID.
Evan grabs it.
EVAN
(reading the card)
Okay Mr..."McLovin"? What kind of a
stupid name is that? What are you
trying to be, an Irish R&B singer?
FOGELL
Well, they let you pick any name you want
when you get there.
SETH
So you picked McLovin?
FOGELL
It was between that or Muhammad.
SETH
Why was it between that or Muhammad? Why
didn't you just pick a common name?
FOGELL
Actually, Seth, Muhammad is the most
commonly used name on earth.
EVAN
Have you ever actually met a guy named
Muhammad?
FOGELL
Have you actually ever met a guy named
McLovin?
SETH
No! That's why you picked a bad name.
(CONTINUED)
26.
37 CONTINUED: (2) 37
EVAN
You probably have federal agents tracking
you for even considering the name
Muhammad on a fake ID!
SETH
Look at this shit man, you don't even
have a first name. It just says "NAME:
MCLOVIN"
EVAN
One name?
FOGELL
I just thought McLovin sounded old, and
the chicks would dig it.
EVAN
Under what circumstances would you ever
have to show a chick your ID?
FOGELL
She could ask. Or, I could just show it
to her.
SETH
Holy shit! I don't believe this. This
says you're fucking 25! Why didn't you
just put 21?
FOGELL
I knew you would ask that. Look, every
day, dozens of kids roll into the liquor
store with fake ID's trying to act like
Joe Casual. Each and every one of these
kids just so happens to be 21 years old.
Just how many 21 year-olds do you think
there are?
SETH
Fool!
EVAN
Calm down! It's not terrible! This might
work, but it's up to you, Fogell. They'll
either think, "Oh, it's another punk kid
with a fake ID." Or, "Look, it's McLovin,
the twenty five year-old organ donor".
What's it gonna be?
Fogell takes a deep breath.
(CONTINUED)
27.
37 CONTINUED: (3) 37
FOGELL
I am McLovin.
SETH
You're not McLovin. No one's McLovin and
this is never going to work. We need a
new way to get alcohol. Could we drive to
Canada or something?
FOGELL
I still think it's going to work.
They walk into the staff parking lot. Seth stops.
SETH
What the fuck? Where's my car?
EVAN
I told you, man! What did I say? I told
you that was a dumb idea.
FOGELL
Why would you park in the staff-
SETH
Shut up, Fogell.
FOGELL
`Cause you're not staff.
SETH
I am aware of that, Fagell.
Seth storms off. Evan follows him.
FOGELL
(yelling)
Will you still pick me up from work?
Evan and Seth round the corner, leaving Fogell behind.
SETH
Let's go to your house.
INT. EVAN'S BEDROOM - SOON AFTER
38 38
Seth puts on a shirt that is way too small and he's wearing
pants that are too tight. Evan is playing the video game
Grand Theft Auto.
(CONTINUED)
28.
38 CONTINUED: 38
SETH
Now we wait for your Mom to piss off and
steal your parents' booze like your
brother always does. Take a bit from
every bottle. Piece of cake. It's not
exactly what Jules wanted, but it'll do,
right?
EVAN
Come on! Just wear what you wore to
school.
SETH
I told you I can't do that. I can't let
Jules see me in the same shit I wore at
school. It's completely unbecoming.
EVAN
Why don't you just go to your house and
get your own clothes? `Cause this is
stupid.
SETH
You're stupid! I can't go home. Then my
mom will know the car got towed and I'll
be grounded tonight. I'll just stay here
all weekend and pick it up on Monday.
EVAN
(RE: video game)
Where the fuck is the dirt bike?
(beat)
Ah, screw it. I'm just gonna kill
everyone. Boom! Die, piggies!!!
SETH
Don't you have bigger clothes?
EVAN
See what my dad's got.
INT. EVAN'S HOUSE - PARENTS ROOM - SOON AFTER
39 39
Seth is wearing Evan's Dad's clothes: a 70s style cowboy
shirt, just barely pulling it off, as well as slacks.
SETH
Not bad, eh?
EVAN
It's, like, 7:30 and my Mom's still here.
(CONTINUED)
29.
39 CONTINUED: 39
SETH
Alright, here's what we'll do. I'll fuck
your Mom in the basement while you steal
the liquor.
EVAN
Fuck you, asshole. Let's just sneak down
there and grab it.
INT. EVAN'S HOUSE - LATER
40 40
Evan and Seth, carrying an empty two liter bottle of Coke,
cautiously descend the creaking staircase. Their eyes watch
the TV room, where Evan's mom is on the phone. The boys enter
the dining room and cautiously open the liquor cabinet. Seth
enthusiastically reaches for a bottle.
SETH
(whispering)
Alright, dude. Get ready to receive.
Evan begins unscrewing his bottle, when he notices a little
black line marking where the liquor bottle is filled to.
Then, he realizes that every bottle has it.
EVAN
(whispering)
I can't believe it. They marked them.
SETH
(whispering)
What do you mean they...oh, man! Your
parents are fuckers. What do we do now?
EVAN
(whispering)
Shh!!! We...we...take some and fill it
back up with water. Get ready, I'll get
water.
Evan hurries off. Seth looks at the liquor cabinet, trying to
choose the best booze. He grabs a massive bottle of gin. Evan
reappears.
EVAN (CONT'D)
(whispering)
Gin? That stuff is literally undrinkable.
SETH
(whispering)
It's the biggest bottle, you douche. Just
do it! She's right in the other room!
(CONTINUED)
30.
40 CONTINUED: 40
Evan reluctantly holds an empty Coke bottle as Seth shakily
pours the gin in. Evan starts refilling the gin bottle with
water, when suddenly they both hear his mom coming.
EVAN
(whispering)
Run!
SETH
(whispering)
But, the booze?
EVAN
(whispering)
Take it!
Seth runs off with the gin and Coke bottle. Evan quickly
closes the cabinet and sneaks off right before his mom
enters. Through the window she see's that Seth is already on
the front lawn and thinks nothing of it.
EVAN (CONT'D)
Bye, Mom! Love you.
EVAN'S MOM
Love you, sweety.
Evan leaves.
EXT. EVAN'S HOUSE - FRONT LAWN
41 41
Evan and Seth triumphantly walk away. Seth holds up the gin.
SETH
Look at this mother. Smell it's glory.
He opens it up and takes a whiff.
SETH (CONT'D)
Mmm. It's good. Barely a scent.
He takes a crazy big swig.
SETH (CONT'D)
See that? I always said I had the highest
alcohol tolerance. I'm like Superman.
Seth taste another swig, but makes a strange face. Evan grabs
the bottle and takes a swig.
EVAN
It's fucking water!
(CONTINUED)
31.
41 CONTINUED: 41
SETH
Water?
(drinks again)
Fuck. Your brother beat us to the punch.
We have to go back!
EVAN
We can't go back! She totally knew,
she'll bust us for sure, and we have to
meet Fogell.
SETH
Well, fuck...fine. Text your brother he's
a stupid piece of crap.
Evan pulls out his cell and chuckles as he types.
EXT. SHOPWELLS - DUSK
42 42
Evan and Seth walk off the bus. They see Fogell walking
towards them. He's in his uniform holding a hanger with a
shirt and a vest.
SETH
What the hell is that?
FOGELL
A vest.
SETH
You're gonna look like a Pinocchio.
EVAN
What? It's just a vest.
FOGELL
Yeah. How many high schoolers you see in
vests?
SETH
(eyeing Shopwell's)
You know, they got a ton of liquor right
in there. If we get it now we can get to
the party faster with all of Jules' shit.
FOGELL
No way! I work there. They know I'm not
twenty-five.
SETH
Nobody said anything about you, dick-
mouth. You have one name on your ID. It's
out of the equation!
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
32.
42 CONTINUED: 42
SETH (CONT'D)
And now I'm gonna have to take drastic
measures. I'm gonna steal the booze.
FOGELL
What?! No! Hell no! You can't do that!
EVAN
(mocking)
Yeah, right!
SETH
That's right. And that way I give Jules
back her money, like you did with Helen.
That was good thinking, that's fucking
pimp. That's how you seal a deal. It
won't be hard. Remember Dan Vertlieb
stole a keg from here and he's got, like,
really bad scoliosis!
EVAN
You're not gonna steal it. Fogell, he's
not going to steal it.
FOGELL
Please. Don't do this! I promise. I'll
get the liquor later.
SETH
I'm stepping up. And once I'm up, I don't
step back down. Maybe you "State" boys
don't understand that.
Seth walks to the store.
INT. SHOPWELL'S - CONTINUOUS
43 43
Seth enters the store, looking determined. He spots a
SECURITY GUARD standing by one of the registers.
SETH
(to himself)
Hope piggy can run.
He walks past the registers, which brings him in front of the
long liquor aisle. He surveys the scene. There is an OLD
WOMAN browsing the shelves. Seth looks over to the registers.
INT. SHOPWELL'S (FANTASY) - EVENING
44 44
Seth is at the cash register. He has a huge amount of booze
in the conveyor belt.
CASHIER
How old are you?
(CONTINUED)
33.
44 CONTINUED: 44
SETH
Twenty two.
CASHIER
You certainly are. That'll be eighty
dollars.
Seth hands the cashier a big EIGHTY DOLLAR BILL.
SETH
Thank you kindly.
CASHIER
You're welcome, Seth.
INT. SHOPWELL'S - CONTINUOUS
45 45
Seth, still standing in front of the liquor aisle, shakes his
head. He eyeballs the old lady.
INT. SHOPWELL'S (FANTASY) - EVENING
46 46
The old lady is browsing. She drops her big purse. A hand
reaches down and picks it up. It's Seth.
SETH
Excuse me, ma'am. You dropped your purse.
Would you like me to help you to your
car?
OLD LADY
That would be lovely, young man. Would
you like me to buy you alcohol?
SETH
That would be lovely!
EXT. SHOPWELL'S (FANTASY) - MOMENTS LATER
47 47
Seth, holding two huge bags of liquor, waves to the Old Lady
as she drives away.
SETH
Enjoy your remaining years!
OLD LADY
I will. Enjoy fucking Jules!
INT. SHOPWELL'S (FANTASY) - CONTINUOUS
48 48
Seth shakes his head. He looks down the aisle again, takes a
breath and starts walking.
(CONTINUED)
34.
48 CONTINUED: 48
He arrives at a fancy looking bottle. He takes it and looks
down at it in his hands. A big golden label reads,
"GOLDSCHLAGER."
SECURITY GAURD (O.S.)
Don't do it kid.
We see that the Security Guard is right behind him. Seth
doesn't look up, he just stares at the bottle dramatically.
SETH
I never had a choice.
He throws the bottle at the guards face. The guard blocks it
with his billy club, grabs another bottle, and hurls it at
Seth. Seth dodges it by an inch; the bottle hits the OLD LADY
in the head.
OLD LADY
(in agony)
AAAHHHHH!!!
Before Seth can do anything, the guard smashes a 40-ounce
bottle of beer across his face. The guard SWINGS the broken
end of the bottle and cuts Seth's throat. Blood spurts out.
Seth drops his bottles and falls to the ground.
EXT. SHOPWELL'S - CONTINUOUS
49 49
Evan and Fogell are talking.
FOGELL
Oh, and, uh, my Mom said we can have the
TV from her basement and I've got, like,
three lava-lamps and one strobe light, so
like, we can have that in the room-
Evan sees Seth coming out of Shopwell's.
EVAN
Shh. Seth's coming.
FOGELL
You still didn't tell him we're rooming-
EVAN
No. Shut up.
FOGELL
(to Seth)
So, where's all the stolen liquor?
(CONTINUED)
35.
49 CONTINUED: 49
SETH
Fuck you! I was gonna do it, but security
was tight as shit. I was gonna do it
though, don't think I wasn't. Let's go to
the liquor store and try your stupid ID.
Seth heads towards the bus stop.
FOGELL
Wait! I'm gonna put my vest back in my
locker!
INT. BUS - MOMENTS LATER
50 50
MORE MIND-BLOWINGLY BADASS FUNK MUSIC OVER Seth, Evan and
Fogell sitting on the bus amidst a bunch of gloomy,
unpleasant looking strangers. Nothing happens whatsoever.
EXT. LIQUOR STORE - EVENING
51 51
The bus stops in front of the liquor store and the guys get
out.
EVAN
Well, here we are. Fogell, are you ready?
SETH
Here's the list.
FOGELL
A list? Why?
SETH
We're getting girls their booze so
they'll get with us. I put a lot of
thought into that list. It's the perfect
party bar, so don't mess it up and get
Sambuca again.
Fogell reads the list. A worried look sweeps across his face.
FOGELL
Ouzo, Drambuie, Jager, Gold-shlay-ger-
EVAN
Goldschlager. That's for Helen, so do not
forget it.
FOGELL
-Alize, Captain Morgan Rum, Smirnoff
Rasberry and a big ass bottle of Popov-
(CONTINUED)
36.
51 CONTINUED: 51
SETH
Oh yeah, and Mike's Hard Lemonade.
FOGELL
This is too much. I can't get away with
this much!
EVAN
What's the difference?
Seth hands Fogell the money.
FOGELL
I don't know, man. I'm getting, like,
really nervous.
Fogell starts breathing very hard and making an ODD NOISE
while doing so.
EVAN
Are you okay?
SETH
What the hell are you doing?
FOGELL
I don't know if I want to do this.
SETH
What are you talking about? You just
promised you would. What is this shit?
FOGELL
What if they turn me down?
SETH
Then we're in the same place that we're
in right now!
FOGELL
It's fucking humiliating! Everyone in the
store sees them kicking me out. What if
they make me put all the liquor back on
the shelf? I can't do that!
SETH
This whole thing is bigger than you,
asshead! Just go in there and buy the
damn alcohol!
FOGELL
What if I don't feel like it anymore?
(CONTINUED)
37.
51 CONTINUED: (2) 51
SETH
Then I will kill you! How's that? If you
don't buy the alcohol, I will kill you!
FOGELL
Killing me won't get you any alcohol,
jerkoff! I'm the one with the ID!
SETH
Then I will kill you, cut off your ugly
face, put it over mine, and buy it my
fucking self.
FOGELL
You don't have the technology or the
steady hands to pull off a procedure like
that!
Seth stands for a moment, then suddenly rushes Fogell. Evan
stands between them and breaks it up.
EVAN
Seth, calm down! Fogell, stop being a
baby and go buy the alcohol! You said
you'd do it, so do it. It's why you
bought the ID, so just go do it.
FOGELL
(beat)
I'll try.
Fogell walks into the store.
INT. LIQUOR STORE - CONTINUOUS
52 52
At first it all seems overwhelming. Fogell is confused,
dizzy, and sweating. He steps behind a large beer display and
takes a few deep breaths.
CLERK
Hi there.
Fogell flinches, shocked someone spoke to him. He keeps
walking. He nears a mother and her 17 year old SON. As Fogell
passes them, the son seems to recognize him. Fogell clearly
recognizes the son. Their eyes meet. Fogell looks in the
opposite direction.
SON
Fogell?
(CONTINUED)
38.
52 CONTINUED: 52
FOGELL
(weird voice, covering his
face)
No.
SON
Yo, Fogell. `Sup man. What're you doing
here?
FOGELL
(weird voice)
Uh...nothing. Not Fogell...
(whisper)
Shut up, Moscovitch. You don't know me.
MOSCOVITCH
(knowingly)
Oh, oh. Cool, cool. Good luck.
He puts his head down and quickly walks away. He arrives at
the beer and cooler section. Clearly intimidated, he slowly
opens a beer fridge. He grabs one beer attached to a six-pack
and pulls it forward. The beer comes loose in his hand as the
other five fall to the ground, cracking on impact, and
spraying beer all over the place. Fogell scrambles to stop
the beers from spraying, but soon finds that it is
impossible.
FOGELL
Fuck.
A CLERK approaches Fogell.
CLERK
Is there a problem, sir?
FOGELL
Umm, nope, no problem whatsoever.
CLERK
(pointing to the beer on the
floor)
Sir, did you do this? On the floor?
FOGELL
(beat)
No.
(beat)
I think it happened before.
Fogell is standing in a puddle of beer with beer sprayed all
over his legs, holding a can of beer.
(CONTINUED)
39.
52 CONTINUED: (2) 52
CLERK
Are you sure?
FOGELL
I think I would know, thank you.
Fogell walks away.
INT. LIQUOR STORE - LATER
53 53
Fogell has a shopping cart filled with booze. He gets in line
to pay. He looks ahead to the OLD-LOOKING GUY (35) who is
currently at the CASHIER (woman) paying.
CASHIER
Um, yes, may I please see some ID?
OLD-LOOKING GUY
No problem. Heh. I haven't been ID-ed in
years.
CASHIER
Anyone who looks under thirty-five.
The guy looks through his wallet. Fogell nervously watches.
EXT. LIQUOR STORE - CONTINUOUS
54 54
Seth and Evan peek through one of the store's front windows.
SETH
It's a good ID, right? Mike Snider never
had a problem. It's fine. Right?
EVAN
Calm down.
(beat)
Did you remember a condom?
SETH
You brought a condom?
EVAN
Yeah, I figured, you know, might as well.
I brought one of those little things of
spermicidal lube too.
He takes them out of his pocket.
SETH
You asshole! You laughed in my face when
I said we'd be having sex tonight.
(CONTINUED)
40.
54 CONTINUED: 54
EVAN
It doesn't mean you shouldn't be
prepared. You didn't even bring one?
SETH
No. That wasn't the plan! We had a plan!
I can't believe you did that without even
consulting me about it!
EVAN
I don't really even understand what your
plan is.
SETH
I'm gonna go down on her for, like,
hours. She'll love that. She'll want to
go out with that.
EVAN
Yeah, but I figured there's no harm in
bringing just one little condom.
SETH
And one little bottle of spermicidal
lube. That's nuts. You can't let her know
you brought that! These girls are 18, not
dried up old ladies. They're ready to go.
EVAN
Fine. I won't bring the lube.
INT. LIQUOR STORE - CONTINUOUS
55 55
Fogell pushes his stuff up to the Cashier. She looks at him
kind of funny.
FOGELL
Hello...
(reading name tag)
Mindy.
She rings up a six pack of Budweiser.
FOGELL (CONT'D)
Oh, I love that stuff. Been drinking it
for years. I heard they recently decided
to start adding more hops.
Fogell just nods kind of proud of himself. She stops ringing
stuff up and looks at him.
(CONTINUED)
41.
55 CONTINUED: 55
CASHIER
Umm, okay sir, I'm gonna need to see some
ID.
FOGELL
Identification?
EXT. LIQUOR STORE - CONTINUOUS
56 56
Seth and Evan are still leaning against the window.
EVAN
Do you think I could get Helen to do some
kind of long distance thing?
Seth looks as if he sees something in the distance. He stands
upright.
SETH
Holy Shit! It's Cary Hutchins!
EVAN
I haven't seen her since she switched
schools.
SETH
She had the biggest tits in the universe.
Down the block there is a girl walking a dog.
EVAN
I heard she had breast-reduction surgery.
Her tits must be crazy perfect now.
SETH
I gotta see these bastards. Let's check
`em out.
Seth and Evan run off towards the girl.
SETH (CONT'D)
Man, I'm gonna pretend to trip and grab
`em.
(beat)
I hope they've healed.
CUT BACK TO:
INT. LIQUOR STORE - CONTINUOUS
57 57
The cashier is still examining the card. She hands it back to
Fogell.
(CONTINUED)
42.
57 CONTINUED: 57
CASHIER
That comes to a total of $123.59
A huge smile forms on Fogell's face as he pulls out a wad of
money and hands it to the cashier. She starts to gather his
change when, SUDDENLY, a BIG GUY runs up and PUNCHES Fogell
right in the side of the head!!! Fogell falls to the ground.
The dude sticks his hand in the open register, grabs a
handful of money and runs!
The whole thing is over in a matter of seconds. Fogell is on
the ground, dazed and confused.
FOGELL
What the hell happened?!
Fogell sees the distressed cashier frantically dialing the
police.
CASHIER
(breathing hard)
I don't believe it...I don't believe
it....
EXT. UP THE STREET FROM THE LIQUOR STORE - MOMENTS LATER
58 58
Seth and Evan walk down the street towards the liquor store.
EVAN
That was a waste.
SETH
But she fully looked way better before. I
thought when they reduced them, they just
kind of reshaped them nicer. Made them
more supple.
EVAN
I can't even begin to imagine the
justification for making breasts smaller.
SETH
It's like me making my nuts saggier.
Evan sees something in the distance.
EVAN
Whoa. What's this?
SETH
What?
(CONTINUED)
43.
58 CONTINUED: 58
EVAN
Check it out! The cops!
They see a cop car with the lights flashing parked outside
the liquor store. Seth and Evan cautiously approach the
liquor store and look inside. They see two POLICE talking
with the Cashier, and Fogell is standing right beside them!
EVAN (CONT'D)
Shit! They busted Fogell!
INT. LIQUOR STORE - CONTINUOUS
59 59
The two police, OFFICER SLATER, 30 and experienced, and
OFFICER MICHAELS, 25 and learning, are talking to the
Cashier. Fogell stands beside them, nervous and afraid.
OFFICER SLATER
(to cashier)
So, did he punch anyone else?
CASHIER
(losing it completely)
I can't do this, okay!?! I told you, I
have an exam tomorrow! Can you understand
that? A goddamn exam!
The cashier breaks down crying and walks off to the back of
the store. The officers look at each other.
OFFICER MICHAELS
Apparently, she has an exam.
They chuckle. Then they turn to Fogell.
OFFICER SLATER
(turn to Fogell)
So then, son, you're the one that got
punched?
Fogell looks down to his bags of liquor at his feet. Then
back at the cops. He nods.
OFFICER MICHAELS
We'd like to ask you a couple questions.
The officers each take out a note pad and a pencil.
OFFICER MICHAELS (CONT'D)
Okay, first things first. What's your
name?
(CONTINUED)
44.
59 CONTINUED: 59
Fogell looks like his heart is about to explode out of his
chest.
FOGELL
My name, it's...it's..
(tripping over his own words)
Mc..mac..laddle...
OFFICER SLATER
MicMac what?
FOGELL
No, no I said, "McLovin".
OFFICER MICHAELS
McLovin?
FOGELL
McLovin.
The officers both write down some information.
OFFICER SLATER
Cool name. And your first name?
Fogell looks twice as scared.
FOGELL
Oh...that's uh...a good one...it's a...an
interesting...uh...event...
Fogell trails off mumbling and starts to breathe heavily,
making an ODD NOISE. Behind him, in the window of the store,
we see Seth and Evan peeking through.
EXT. LIQUOR STORE - CONTINUOUS
60 60
Shocked, Seth and Evan walk away from the window. Seth starts
to pace in anger.
SETH
I don't believe this bullshit! I
can't...this isn't happening! I didn't
even know you could get arrested for this
shit! WE NEED THAT FUCKING LIQUOR!
EVAN
Oh my god. Are they gonna take him
downtown?
SETH
Fuck Fogell! He got arrested! We're on
our own.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
45.
60 CONTINUED: 60
SETH (CONT'D)
We need a new way of getting liquor.
(realizing)
AAAHHH!! The money! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! How
much money can you get?
EVAN
What are you talking about? Money? What
about Fogell?
SETH
That doesn't matter anymore. I just lost
a hundred dollars of Jules' money!
EVAN
We have to help him!
SETH
Help him? What are we gonna do? Bust him
out of jail? I don't even know where jail
is! What we need is the alcohol, which is
impossible because we don't have any
fucking money!
Seth steps into the driveway leading to the parking lot.
EVAN
Fine. Just...calm down. We need to think.
We need to think.
SETH
Fuck thinking! We need to act!
Suddenly, a car pulls out of the lot going 10 mph and knocks
Seth down!!!
INT. LIQUOR STORE - CONTINUOUS
61 61
The cops are still talking to Fogell. He looks completely
flustered. He's lost his composure.
OFFICER SLATER
Okay, your name is just McLovin, there's
no need to get irrational.
In the BACKGROUND (not in the view of Fogell and the cops) we
see DRIVER of the car, a shady-looking guy in a hockey
jersey, gets out of his car and walks over to where Seth is
lying, apologizing frantically.
OFFICER MICHAELS
A lot of people have strange names these
days.
(CONTINUED)
46.
61 CONTINUED: 61
OFFICER SLATER
I once arrested a man-lady who was
legally named "Pearl Necklace."
FOGELL
It's just... I changed my name. I was
going to be a singer. R&B.
OFFICER MICHAELS
Fine. That's not illegal.
OFFICER SLATER
And, how old are you McLovin?
Fogell looks down at the bags of booze again.
FOGELL
Old enough.
OFFICER SLATER
Old enough for what?
OFFICER MICHAELS
Can I see your ID?
FOGELL
Um...okay...
Fogell takes his shaking, sweaty hand, sticks it in his
pocket, and pulls out his fake ID. He slowly hands it over to
Officer Slater. The cops both look at it, then Fogell. Beads
of sweat are running down Fogell's face.
In the background, Seth pops up and starts kicking the guy's
car out of anger. Evan and the driver both restrain Seth.
OFFICER SLATER
You're an organ donor?
FOGELL
What?
OFFICER SLATER
I didn't want to be one but my wife
insisted.
OFFICER MICHAELS
Just like a woman. Even after you're
dead, they want to tear your heart out.
The officers start laughing. Fogell is shocked. They hand
back the ID.
(CONTINUED)
47.
61 CONTINUED: (2) 61
FOGELL
Look. I'm really sorry, but I don't
really have any information. I didn't
really see him. His fist hit here.
Fogell points at his giant black eye.
OFFICER MICHAELS
Are you in a hurry or something?
FOGELL
Uh, yeah... kinda. I kinda had to catch a
bus.
OFFICER SLATER
Where were you going?
FOGELL
Umm... near thirteenth and Granville.
OFFICER SLATER
We'll take you there, get your
information on the way. Sit tight.
Fogell is completely dumbfounded.
EXT. LIQUOR STORE - CONTINUOUS
62 62
The driver is pleading with Seth and Evan.
DRIVER
I'm so sorry, man! I'm so sorry! I didn't
see you at all. Are you okay? Are you
okay? I'm sorry, man. Look, what can I
do? Are you okay?
The driver glances at the cop car.
DRIVER (CONT'D)
I mean, please don't report me, we can
figure this out, okay?
SETH
Why wouldn't I report you?
DRIVER
Because I'll do anything! Please!
Anything! What can I do?
SETH
You have any money?
(CONTINUED)
48.
62 CONTINUED: 62
EVAN
(quietly to Seth)
What are you doing?
DRIVER
(beat)
Fine. Just take it.
The driver reaches into his pocket and hands Seth some money.
Seth looks at it. It's seven dollars.
SETH
What is this? This isn't enough.
Seth stuffs the money in his pocket.
DRIVER
It's all I have.
SETH
Well, you just came from the liquor
store, give us your liquor.
DRIVER
I didn't get any. They're not letting
anyone in. They're arresting someone or
something.
SETH
Well, they'll be arresting somebody else
if you don't do something quick. Ow! My
shoulder! It's killing me.
Seth, acting poorly, pretends he's way more hurt than he is.
DRIVER
No! Wait! Okay, you want alcohol? I can
get you alcohol. I'm on my way to this
party right now. There's gonna be tons of
liquor. I will definitely get you plenty.
SETH
You better.
EVAN
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. Come here.
Seth goes over to Evan.
EVAN (CONT'D)
What are you doing?
(CONTINUED)
49.
62 CONTINUED: (2) 62
SETH
What? Jules' money is gone, Fogell's out,
we've got no other option. Let's go.
EVAN
I don't....I don't like this idea at all.
I'm just not feeling it. That guy's
fucking creepy. Just look at him.
They look at the Driver, who is staring at Evan with a dumb
expression on his face.
DRIVER
(to Evan)
You know a guy named Jimmy, perchance?
Cause you totally look like his brother.
SETH
He's an idiot. And he's our only hope.
Come on, don't break your promise to
Helen.
EXT. LIQUOR STORE - MOMENTS LATER
63 63
The Driver's car pulls away with Seth and Evan sitting in the
back seat. A few moments later, the cops walk out with Fogell
right behind them carrying the bags of liquor.
OFFICER SLATER
(to Fogell)
Man, that lady just wouldn't stop crying,
huh? And you're the one that got punched.
Did you hear her say she has an exam
tomorrow? Boo-fuckin'-hoo. Am I right?
FOGELL
(afraid)
Heh. Good one.
OFFICER MICHEALS
Could we have taken her in? Just to scare
the shit out of her?
OFFICER SLATER
Hah. Probably could have found a way. But
a good general rule is only take people
in you want to ride with. And whiny
bitches don't make that cut.
The cops chuckle as they all get in the cop car.
50.
INT. DRIVER'S CAR - CONTINUOUS
64 64
Seth and Evan sit in the back seat. The Driver is in the
front.
DRIVER
One of you bros could have sat up here
with me.
There is an awkward silence, when suddenly Seth starts to
wriggle in discomfort.
SETH
Aaah!
Seth fishes his cell phone out of his pocket and looks at it.
SETH(CONT'D)
875-6611?
(thinking)
Holy shit...
Seth answers the phone.
SETH (CONT'D)
Jules! What's the haps?
DRIVER
Who is it?
INTERCUT WITH:
INT. JULES HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
65 65
There are six girls passing two beers in a circle while
dancing blissfully to crappy 80s music.
JULES
Seth! Where are you?
SETH
Jules! I just got in a cab and I'm going
to the liquor store as we speak.
JULES
Awesome. I can't wait for you to get
here.
A huge smile sweeps across Seth's face.
SETH
Really?
(CONTINUED)
51.
65 CONTINUED: 65
JULES
Yeah. It looks like it could actually be
a great party. I think, like, tons of
people might show up. I hope they don't
trash my house.
SETH
Well, if they want to do that they're
going to have to get through me.
JULES
So I guess I don't have to worry then.
I'll see you soon.
Seth hangs up the phone, completely elated.
SETH
She called, man! That's insane! She's
practically begging for it. She said, "I
can't wait for you to get here."
DRIVER
That sounds like she fully wants it.
Where's she gonna get it from, huh, my
man?
Seth and Evan are very weirded out.
EXT. STREET IN FRONT OF PARTY HOUSE - NIGHT
66 66
The Driver's car pulls up in front of a house. The three get
out.
EVAN
Hey, are you sure that it's cool we're
here?
DRIVER
Oh, definitely. I'm essentially best
friends with this guy. A whole bunch of
my buddies are coming. Come on!
The Driver runs into the house happily, Seth and Evan
following closely behind.
INT. HOUSE PARTY - CONTINUOUS
67 67
The boys enter the house and stand by the front door of the
huge party. It's in full swing with all sorts of random-
looking people. Nobody is under the age of 25.
EVAN
This is weird.
(CONTINUED)
52.
67 CONTINUED: 67
SETH
Whatever. Just act casual. And old. All
we gotta do is find the booze and haul
ass out of here.
As they make their way down a hallway, a few people give them
looks.
INT. HOUSE PARTY - KITCHEN
68 68
They enter the kitchen, where Seth spots what they've been
looking for. There are big buckets of ice filled with beer,
coolers, wine, vodka, everything.
SETH
Holy shit! Let's grab one of these
buckets and go.
MARK (O.S.)
What the fuck do you think you're doing?
DRIVER (O.S.)
What, man? It's nothing.
The guys turn and see that in corner of the kitchen, the
Driver, holding a phone, is being yelled at by a massive
brute, MARK.
MARK
You calling more of your stupid friends
again? Ya prick.
DRIVER
Mark, calm down, okay? Just relax.
MARK
Get the fuck out of my house.
DRIVER
Mark, come on. What the heck? Don't be a
dick.
Suddenly, Mark grabs the Driver by the back of the neck and
drags him out of the kitchen, down the front hall and out the
door. A group of people follow, including Seth and Evan.
EXT. HOUSE PARTY - CONTINUOUS
69 69
The Driver get pushed out of the door and lands on the front
lawn. Seth and Evan watch from the doorway of the house, a
group of people in front of them.
(CONTINUED)
53.
69 CONTINUED: 69
DRIVER
Mark! Dude! This is bullshit! Just chi-
Mark steps on the Driver's hand.
DRIVER (CONT'D)
Ahhhh! Fuck!
The Driver takes his hand out from under Mark's foot. He
stands up.
DRIVER (CONT'D)
Fuck you, man. I'll fucking do this!
Suddenly, Mark becomes enraged. He takes a big step forward
and brutally KICKS the Driver square in the nuts!
The Driver clutches his nuts and falls to the ground.
MARK
Francis, you and your idiot friends stay
the away from me and mine or I'll
flipping shiv your ass!
Mark and his buddies head back in, leading them towards Seth
and Evan, who quickly duck back into the party.
INT. HOUSE PARTY - CONTINUOUS
70 70
The frightened boys walk into one of the first rooms and hide
in the corner. They have a hushed discussion.
EVAN
Dude, let's slip out the back.
SETH
Why? Come on, we're here. Let's just
hurry up and do this.
EVAN
You want to end up like that guy? Not me,
I need my nuts.
SETH
We need this liquor!
EVAN
You need it! I don't need it. I'm going
to tell Helen I like her, and then maybe
she'll get with me; not after I get her
stinking drunk.
(CONTINUED)
54.
70 CONTINUED: 70
SETH
Then why haven't you ever made a move,
you pussy?
EVAN
Because I respect her! I'm not going to
put that kind of unfair pressure on her.
SETH
These aren't girls, they're women! They
need our dicks as much as we need their
poons - and we all love liquor, so
where's the fucking beef?!
EVAN
We're leaving, okay? These guys could
kill us. You want to get killed for
liquor?
SETH
You're really gonna bail on me?!
EVAN
(rolls eyes)
Jesus...
Evan walks out the door.
SETH
Okay, okay...if that's how you're going
to be, then I'll get the booze on my own.
And you're not getting any. And neither
is Helen!
Seth storms off.
INT. COP CAR - CONTINUOUS
71 71
Fogell sits in the backseat. The cops are in the front. There
is silence for a few beats.
FOGELL
Um...hey...uh, officers. I could answer
those, uh, questions now if you want.
OFFICER SLATER
We get the gist of it. You were buying
some beer, some guys came in and robbed
the place. I don't think we're gonna find
`em this time.
The officers start to chuckle.
(CONTINUED)
55.
71 CONTINUED: 71
FOGELL
It was only one guy.
OFFICER SLATER
Only one guy? Well, fuck that. We could
never catch one guy.
OFFICER MICHAELS
You see, McLovin, if it was two guys,
we'd have twice the chance of catching
one of them. But just one guy? I mean,
how are we supposed to find one guy in
this whole city?
OFFICER SLATER
Yeah, McLovin. You know how many people
there are in this city? I have trouble
finding people I know.
FOGELL
Aren't you guys supposed to be trained or
something? Don't you have a computer?
OFFICER SLATER
Yeah, that stuff can help, but if someone
walks up to me on the street, and is
like, "Hey, find Bob." Well, how the hell
am I supposed to do that?
FOGELL
Who's Bob?
OFFICER SLATER
Exactly. If I don't know who he is, then
how am I supposed to know where he is?
OFFICER MICHAELS
When you're new to the force, like I am-
OFFICER SLATER
Only six months in.
(proudly)
I got two and a half years under my belt.
OFFICER MICHAELS
You learn a lot of crazy stuff. For
example-
The car radio goes off.
(CONTINUED)
56.
71 CONTINUED: (2) 71
RADIO
We have a 245 at East 24 and Montgomery.
It's Bailey's Bar and Grill. Car 43,
respond please.
Slater picks up the receiver.
OFFICER SLATER
Ten-four.
(hangs up)
Nice. Ya see, Michaels, when ever there's
a call for a bar, you take it.
OFFICER MICHAELS
Good fucking call, sir.
They chuckle.
OFFICER SLATER
Hey, McLovin. We got a situation at
Bailey's. We have to see to that, but
we'll drop you off right after. Okay?
FOGELL
Um...okay...
Michael's hits the siren and they drive off.
INT. HOUSE PARTY- KITCHEN. - CONTINUOUS
72 72
Seth is looking in the fridge, which is full of beer. An
ENORMOUS GUY nudges Seth aside and sticks his arm in.
ENORMOUS GUY
Hey Mark, you want another beer?
Seth quickly walks away from the fridge and goes down the
hall.
INT HOUSE PARTY - DANCING ROOM
73 73
Seth enters a room of people dancing to hip-hop. He notices
all the girls are drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade, and then
locates a cooler full of it across the dance area.
He tries to make his way through the sea of dancing. A hot,
sorority-type WOMAN drunk out off her ass dances over to him
and starts grinding against his leg. He doesn't know how to
react so he just goes with it, bumpin' and grindin' with the
girl.
57.
EXT. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS
74 74
Evan is walking down an alley, mad as hell, when, suddenly,
he jumps up and starts squirming.
EVAN
Whaa! What the...oh..
He takes out his vibrating cell phone and looks at the
callers name...it's Helen.
EVAN (CONT'D)
Oh dude. Oh dude. Oh dude.
He looks intensely at the cell as it continues vibrating.
EVAN (CONT'D)
Okay. Okay. Here we go...
He presses talk.
HELEN (O.S.)
(through the phone with
horrible static)
Eva...lo.................
EVAN
Helen? Helen?!?
The phone cuts out. Evan sees that he has no reception. He
looks back at the party, then at his cell phone. He shakes
his head and turns back towards the party.
EXT. BAILEY'S BAR AND GRILL - CONTINUOUS
75 75
The cops and Fogell get out of the car and walk towards the
Bailey's. They stop before they enter.
OFFICER SLATER
Alright McLovin, this will only take a
few minutes. Just grab a beer at the bar
and we'll be done before you know it.
FOGELL
(a little scared)
Well...what's goin' on in there?
The Officers chuckle as they lead Fogell into the bar.
INT. BAILEY'S BAR AND GRILL - CONTINUOUS
76 76
As they enter the bar they immediately see a drunken, crazed
HOMELESS GUY screaming at a bar tender.
(CONTINUED)
58.
76 CONTINUED: 76
HOMELESS GUY
Everywhere?!? You didn't see me pissin'
anywhere!!!
Fogell quickly sits at the bar by the entrance to the
kitchen.
OFFICER SLATER
Alright, Michaels. I've got your back.
Show this rummy how we roll.
Officer Michaels walks up to the Homeless Guy.
OFFICER MICHAELS
Excuse me! Sir!
The Homeless Guy turns and sees the cops.
HOMELESS GUY
AAAHHHHH!!!
He runs for the front door!
OFFICER MICHAELS
Resisting!
Michaels blocks the door and the Homeless Guy rams into him,
knocking him to the ground.
OFFICER SLATER
(sarcastic)
Good one, Michaels!
Slater runs at the Homeless Guy and chases him into the
dining area. The Homeless Guy knocks over a table, which
Slater trips over.
OFFICER SLATER (CONT'D)
Fuck!
OFFICER MICHAELS
(nervous)
Should I shoot him?!?
OFFICER SLATER
NO!!!
The Homeless Guy makes a mad dash for the kitchen, and Fogell
is the only one in his way!
OFFICER MICHAELS
Stop him, McLovin!!!
(CONTINUED)
59.
76 CONTINUED: (2) 76
FOGELL
AHHH!!!
The Homeless Guy RAMS straight into him and knocks both of
them onto the kitchen floor!!!
INT. BAILEY'S BAR AND GRILL - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
77 77
The kitchen staff watch in awe as the Homeless Guy wrestles
Fogell on the ground.
FOGELL
Ow!!! Please! Stop, you fucking bum!!!
The Homeless Guy gets up, grabs Fogell and HURLS him into a
rack of trays! He then turns to run, but SLIPS on a wet spot
and SLAMS his head against the ground! The cops burst into
the room to find Fogell panting on his knees with the
Homeless Guy unconscious on the floor.
OFFICER MICHAELS
McLovin! Nice!
OFFICER SLATER
I am buying you a beer, McLovin!
INT. HOUSE PARTY - DANCING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
69 69
An R&B slow jam plays as an exuberant Seth, a Mike's Hard
Lemonade in one hand and the Woman's ass in the other as the
dancing becomes increasingly sexual. As the song ends, the
Woman moves on.
Seth glances at the cooler and sees one more Mike's hard. He
grabs it and puts it in his pocket. The bulge is apparent.
Extremely pleased with himself,
INT. HOUSE PARTY - ADJACENT ROOM
79 79
Seth walks into the adjacent room. There are a bunch of GUYS
chilling on the couch, who all look at Seth oddly as he
enters.
SETH
Hey, wut up?
The guys just nod at Seth and continue to look at him
strangely.
GUY 1
What is that? Is that red wine?
(CONTINUED)
60.
79 CONTINUED: 79
Thinking he's busted, Seth quickly covers the bulge in his
pocket.
SETH
Uh...no. What? I don't know what you're
talking about.
GUY 1
That shit you spilled all over yourself,
idiot.
SETH
(sincere)
I didn't spill anything on myself.
Seth checks himself to see what the guy is referring to.
SETH (CONT'D)
Oh shit.
On Seth's upper thigh there is a red splotch about the size
of a palm of a hand.
SETH (CONT'D)
What the hell is this?
GUY 1
Oh my lord. You were just dancing in
there, right?
SETH
Yeah, so?
The guys all burst out laughing.
GUY 1
It's fucking blood.
SETH
Why would I get blood on my leg from---
(beat of realization)
OH SHIT!
The guys start laughing even harder.
SETH (CONT'D)
Some girl perioded on my fucking leg!
GUY 2
I've never seen that before in my life.
Seth pokes at the splotch.
(CONTINUED)
61.
79 CONTINUED: (2) 79
SETH
That is disgusting.
Guy 1 gets up as Seth tries to cover up the mess with his
shirt.
GUY 1
I gotta show this to Bill.
SETH
Who's Bill? Don't show Bill! No! I can't
believe this is happening!
GUY 2
We should find who did it.
SETH
This is un-fucking-believable. I have to
look good tonight!
GUY 2
Who'd you dance with?
SETH
Who gives a shit? Fuck! These aren't even
my pants!
INT. HOUSE PARTY- ANOTHER ROOM
80 80
Guy 1 brings six more guys, including the Enormous Guy, into
the room. He points out the stain Seth's pants. All the guys
burst out laughing. Embarrassed and fearful of the attention,
Seth starts making his way out of the room.
SETH
Yeah. It's really funny, huh? Yuk it up,
assholes.
Seth works his way through another room full of people,
shielding the splotch as best as he can.
PARTY DUDE
Dude! Check it out! That guy's having his
period!
Another group of people turn and laugh.
PARTY GIRL
He looks about the right age!
SETH
(to himself)
I gotta clean this shit.
(CONTINUED)
62.
80 CONTINUED: 80
He sees a long line of people standing if front of the
bathroom door. He spots a staircase and runs down into the
basement.
INT. HOUSE PARTY - BASEMENT - CONTINUOUS
81 81
Seth enters the empty basement. He sees a sink and runs over
to it and turns on the water.
EXT. HOUSE PARTY - CONTINUOUS
82 82
Evan nervously walks back into the house to look for a
telephone.
INT. BAILEY'S BAR AND GRILL - CONTINUOUS
83 83
The cops, Fogell, and the unconscious Homeless Guy each sit
at the bar with a Corona in front of them. Slater's radio
goes off.
RADIO
Calling all units, armed and dangerous
man in the vicinity of-
Click. Slater turns his radio down, ignoring the calls.
OFFICER MICHAELS
So anyways, we leave the bar, I'm
charmin' her pants off telling her
stories of shoot-outs and shit.
FOGELL
You've been in shoot-outs!
OFFICER MICHAELS
Nope.
OFFICER SLATER
McLovin, all we do is bonk homeless
people on the head. You're practically a
cop now.
OFFICER MICHAELS
So I pull up in front of her house and
she asks me to come inside for some
coffee. Of course, I say yes.
OFFICER SLATER
Oh shit.
(CONTINUED)
63.
83 CONTINUED: 83
OFFICER MICHAELS
Oh shit. So we go into the kitchen. I
start taking off my clothes, she fucking
flips, starts screaming at me, and I'm
like "Can't have coffee without cream."
Oh!!! Right? I fucking said that. Then,
she slaps me, throws me out. I'm telling
you McLovin, stay out of bars.
FOGELL
Hey, you don't need to tell me.
OFFICER MICHAELS
So, yeah, you gotta look in different
places. The gym, an art class, you know,
shit like that.
OFFICER SLATER
I met the Missus at paint ball. Can you
believe that? I shot her in the neck, and
we just hit it off. And my first wife --
who is a whore -- where do you think we
met? A bar.
FOGELL
I don't know. I find they're always good
for a little quick ass.
The cops laugh.
OFFICER SLATER
I bet I know your trick, McLovin. You do
the whole mysterious guy thing, right?
OFFICER MICHAELS
Yeah McLovin, how's it going with the
ladies?
Fogell thinks for a moment, he is feeling rather comfortable.
FOGELL
Well, officers, it's not the going with
the ladies I care about, it's the coming.
The cops and Fogell burst out laughing.
OFFICER SLATER
Oh! McLovin in the house!
He sees that the cops clearly like him; his confidence level
increased, he takes a chance.
(CONTINUED)
64.
83 CONTINUED: (2) 83
FOGELL
So...you guys got guns, huh?
The officers glance at each other as sinister smiles creep
across their faces.
OFFICER SLATER
Yeah. We got guns.
OFFICER MICHAELS
I haven't had one for long, but, man, let
me tell you - it's like having two dicks.
FOGELL
Can I...can I hold one? Your gun?
Michaels and Slater look to each other.
OFFICER MICHAELS
I mean, if we took the bullets out?
OFFICER SLATER
Yeah. Why not?
Slater pulls out his gun and takes out the clip.
OFFICER SLATER (CONT'D)
Here.
Fogell takes the unloaded gun and flops it back and forth in
his hands, a huge smile gleaming.
FOGELL
Wow. I've never held one. Are they hard
to shoot?
OFFICER SLATER
If you're Michaels they are. He can't
shoot worth dick.
OFFICER MICHAELS
Fuck you, old man. I could out-shoot you
with my sack tucked between my legs.
OFFICER SLATER
Only one way to settle this.
FOGELL
(incredibly excited)
You guys are going to shoot something,
right?
65.
INT. HOUSE PARTY BASEMENT - CONTINUOUS
84 84
Seth is scrubbing at the mark on his thigh, but it's not
doing much. He stops for a moment to take a breather as he
looks around the basement.
He spots a fridge in the corner and walks over to it. As he
opens it, a look of awe sweeps across his face. Every shelf
is completely filled with beer.
SETH
Jesus's tits!
He grabs as many bottles as he can and starts sticking them
in his pockets, when he notices two large jugs of detergent
next to the washer. He thinks for a moment, then begins to
empty out the detergent jugs.
INT. HOUSE PARTY - CONTINUOUS
85 85
Evan peers into a vacant room and sees a telephone. He
nervously enters and picks up the phone. He dials.
INTERCUT WITH:
INT. CAB - CONTINUOUS
86 86
Helen is in a cab with BECCA, her best-friend, and two other
girls. They're a little done up and really giggly. Helen's
cell phone starts ringing. She hushes the other girls as she
answers her phone.
HELEN
Hello?
BECCA
Is it him?
HELEN
(whispering to the girls)
Shut up.
EVAN
Hey! Helen. Hi. I had bad reception. Are
you at the party?
HELEN
No, I'm in a cab. I'll be there soon. Are
you still coming?
EVAN
Yeah, definitely. Um, about your
Goldschlager...
(CONTINUED)
66.
86 CONTINUED: 86
Evan can hear all the girls goofing around and giggling.
HELEN
(whispering to the girls)
Shut up.
EVAN
What's going on there?
HELEN
Oh, nothing, I just wanted to make sure
you were still coming, you know, and that
you didn't get caught up at a cocktail
party or some club.
EVAN
Nope. I'm gonna be there.
HELEN
Well, I can't wait to see you.
EVAN
I think it's going to be a real
fun...event.
HELEN
Okay. Bye.
INT. HOUSE PARTY VACANT ROOM - CONTINUOUS
87 87
Evan hangs up the phone. A huge smile crosses his face. As he
turns around to exit, five older, unbelievably drunk DUDES
wander into the room.
DUDE 1
They're going to kill that guy, man. That
bitch's boyfriend is so pissed.
DUDE 2
Yeah. And he's a beast.
They start pouring a baggy of coke on the table when one of
them notices Evan standing in the corner.
DUDE 3
Hey! Was it you? Are you the guy? The kid
with the splotch on his crotch?
Evan glances down at his crotch. He is confused and
horrified.
EVAN
No. What splotch-
(CONTINUED)
67.
87 CONTINUED: 87
DUDE 2
I know you! Guys! I know that guy, he was
at that party with me.
DUDE 4
Who's he?
DUDE 2
He's Jimmy's brother. The dude with the
crazy raps, the one I told you about!
They draw the coke into lines as Evan slowly heads for the
door.
EVAN
Oh no, that's not me either. Wrong guy,
man. Sorry.
Dude 3 gets up and blocks the door.
DUDE 3
No. No, that's you, man. You are fully
Jimmy's brother! You were just so messed
up you can't remember.
EVAN
Trust me, man. That wasn't me. I don't
even listen to rap.
DUDE 3
It was you! I know it! Come on! Rap! I've
been telling these guys about you. Just
give them one rap. Come on. Rap. Rap.
They start doing the lines of coke. Evan is very afraid.
INT. HOUSE PARTY BASEMENT - MOMENTS LATER
88 88
Seth is finishing pouring the beer bottles into the second
detergent jug. There are about thirty empty beer bottles
laying around Seth. He tightens the cap, picks up the two
detergent jugs, and heads upstairs.
INT. HOUSE PARTY - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
89 89
Seth emerges from the basement and heads towards the front
door.
SETH
I did it man. Peace out-tro.
He's inches away from the front door, when suddenly-
(CONTINUED)
68.
89 CONTINUED: 89
GUY 1
There! That's the guy!
Seth turns and sees Mark, the guy who assaulted the Driver,
walking towards him. He notices Mark has a splotch on his
leg, too.
SETH
Hey! You got one, too! We're blood
brothers.
MARK
Shut it, you little shitter! What the
hell were you doing dancing with
Jacinda?
Horrified, Seth scrambles for excuses.
SETH
I...I didn't dance with her! I don't even
dance! Never even tried it!
MARK
(point at Seth's splotch)
Then where did that come from, asshole?
SETH
I don't know. Maybe me and you rubbed up
against each other at some point. How am
I supposed to know?
INT. HOUSE PARTY - VACANT ROOM - CONTINUOUS
90 90
The coked-up dudes are watching Evan intensely. They are
completely loving his rapping, completely into it. Evan is
struggling.
EVAN
...cause, yo! Bitches and gats, bitches
and gats, what do all of we's got?
DUDES
Bitches and gats!
EVAN
When we steal all the money?
DUDES
Bitches and gats!
(CONTINUED)
69.
90 CONTINUED: 90
EVAN
Yo! I kill the whores of Vice City with
my magnum 9/Take out the punk pigs with
my Glok design/ Drink a fifth of Hennessy
and get benign/Fuck all the bitches with
their asses fine
THE DUDES
(cheering)
Oh!!!
SOME GUY bursts into the room.
SOME GUY
Dudes! Looks like a fight!
Dude 3 does a line of coke and they all get up together and
charge out of the room.
INT. HOUSE PARTY - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
91 91
There is a crowd gathered around Seth and Mark. The Enormous
Guy and Mark's friends are gathered beside Mark.
SETH
I swear to God it wasn't me!
Evan and the four dudes who were doing coke walk into the
room. Evan is shocked to see Seth at the center of so much
commotion. Mark notices the detergent bottle in Seth's hands.
MARK
And what the fuck is this?
SETH
It's nothing. It's detergent.
MARK
Yeah. And what are you doing with it?
SETH
I...uh, I got blood on my pants.
Mark sees the bottle of MIKE'S HARD LEMONADE in Seth's pocket
and takes it out. He looks at it, then looks at Seth with a
look of death.
SETH (CONT'D)
I brought them from home.
Suddenly, Mark violently SHOVES Seth and throws the beer
bottle at his face!!! Seth holds up a detergent jug and
deflects the beer bottle.
(CONTINUED)
70.
91 CONTINUED: 91
It flies towards Evan, who ducks, and nails Dude 1 in the
head, glass exploding everywhere!!!
DUDE 1
AAAHHHHHHH!!! FUCK!!!
Dude 1 clutches his bloody head as the other Dudes charge at
Mark! A full on brawl breaks out! Everyone starts fighting!
Two of the Dudes beat on the Enormous Guy. They throw him
into Evan.
DUDE 3
Hold him!
EVAN
What?
DUDE 2
HOLD HIM!!!
Evan reluctantly holds the Enormous Guy up as the two Dudes
pound on him.
ANGLE ON: Seth, cowering in the corner
Mark runs at Seth and is about to punch him, when suddenly
Dude 1 tackles him onto the kitchen island! Seth turns and
faces Mark's girlfriend, JACINDA.
JACINDA
You motherfucker!
She grabs a lamp, still plugged in, and swings it at Seth.
She hits him square in the chest and the light bulb explodes!
SETH
AHH!!!
JACINDA
You ruined my birthday!!! You humiliated
me!!!
SETH
You're the one who used my leg as a
tampon!
She charges at him again, arms flailing. Seth scurries around
the room, shielding the blows with the detergent bottles.
Evan throws the Enormous Guy to the ground and runs. Evan
backs off, spots Seth, and follows him out of the party.
71.
EXT HOUSE PARTY
92 92
As Seth and Evan run up the block together, Jacinda talks
into her cell phone.
JACINDA
Yeah, Fifth and Paysview, please hurry!
EXT. DARK STREET - CONTINUOUS
93 93
The cops and Fogell stand beside the car. The Homeless Guy is
sleeping in the back. Michaels has his gun drawn and is
carefully aiming at a distant stop sign.
OFFICER SLATER
You've been saying some bold words, my
friend. Better not mess up.
FOGELL
You can do it, officer.
BLAM!!! Michaels blasts off a round, which punches a hole
right through the center of the "O" in the stop sign.
OFFICER MICHAELS
Boo-yaka-sha!!! Suck it, Slater. Suck my
nuts. Long, but gentle.
FOGELL
Yeah! And eat his ass!
They all laugh hysterically.
FOGELL (CONT'D)
Can I shoot one?
The cops look at each other and shrug.
OFFICER SLATER
Yeah. Sure. Here. Go nuts.
Slater hands Fogell the gun, when suddenly a SIREN can be
heard in the distance getting closer.
OFFICER MICHAELS
Fuck. The cops!
OFFICER SLATER
Let's bail! Shotgun!
Slater grabs the gun out of the disappointed Fogell's hand
and holsters it. They all hop into the car.
72.
INT. COP CAR - CONTINUOUS
94 94
Michaels kicks it into drive and they peel out. Fogell shoves
the unconscious Homeless Guy over.
OFFICER MICHAELS
Hah, hah! Eat it. So, dudes, what do we
do now?
Suddenly, the car radio goes off.
RADIO
We got a 257 at Fifth and Paysview, all
units in the area report to Fifth and
Paysview. Car 98. That's you. Do it.
Seriously.
The cops stop and listen.
OFFICER MICHAELS
Son-of-a-bitch.
(picks up radio)
Car 98, ten-four.
(hangs up)
Ya dumb whore. Ha!
FOGELL
What does that mean? We gonna get to
shoot anyone?
OFFICER SLATER
I wish. Probably some lame house party.
We'll drop you off after. Cool?
FOGELL
Yeah, man. Let's show these fuckers how
we roll.
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - MOMENTS LATER
95 95
Seth and Evan are running down the sidewalk. They both slow
to a stop to catch their breath. The party is nowhere in
sight.
SETH
(wheezing heavily)
...huff...hufff...you fuckin' prick...
EVAN
What?
SETH
You...huff...bailed on me...huff...man.
(CONTINUED)
73.
95 CONTINUED: 95
EVAN
No I didn't!
SETH
Of course you did! We were supposed to do
something and you left instead of doing
it! That's the definition of bailing!
EVAN
If you said we should burn our dicks off
and I didn't, that's not bailing!
SETH
It is bailing, if you promised to burn
your dick off!
EVAN
What?!
SETH
The bottom line is you're a bailer. You
just bailed on me, you bailed on me this
morning when Terry spat on me, and you're
bailing on me next year!
EVAN
Oh! Okay! There it is! It finally comes
out!
SETH
We were supposed to go to college
together! Since elementary school! What
ever happened to that!
EVAN
What happened to that, is that you're too
stupid to get into the schools I did!
SETH
I was not too stupid, I was too lazy!
EVAN
You've wasted all my time, you selfish
bastard!!! Instead of chasing girls and
making friends, I threw away the last
three years talking bullshit with you!
And now, because of you, I'm going to
college a fucking friendless virgin!
Seth can't believe it. He's extremely hurt.
(CONTINUED)
74.
95 CONTINUED: (2) 95
SETH
Getting with a girl won't make you any
less of a loser next year!
EVAN
You talking to me or yourself? You
fucking loser!
Seth drops one of the tide bottles and shoves Evan hard. Evan
shoves him back.
INT. COP CAR - CONTINUOUS
96 96
Michaels pounds on the keypad of the little cop computer with
his fist.
OFFICER MICHAELS
How do they expect us to work these
things while we're driving? I can't even
work my iMac while I'm sitting at my
desk.
FOGELL
So, like, what does that computer do?
OFFICER SLATER
Pretty much anything, if you're smart
enough to figure it out. Like, who do you
really hate? Gimme a name.
FOGELL
Um...my French teacher. Mrs. Graham.
Susette Graham.
OFFICER MICHAELS
Can I do it?
Slater nods. Michaels bring her file up, then punches a few
buttons and smiles.
FOGELL
What did you do?
OFFICER MICHAELS
Tomorrow, Mrs. Graham will have a boot on
her car.
Fogell laughs his ass off.
FOGELL
I hate my dad, too!
(CONTINUED)
75.
96 CONTINUED: 96
OFFICER MICHAELS
Okay. The place should be around here
somewhere. McLovin, are the numbers on
that side odd or even?
FOGELL
It's too dark out.
OFFICER SLATER
We got flashlights.
Slater gets his flashlight and points it out the window.
OFFICER MICHAELS
I wasn't even sure light came out of
those things. I thought they were just
cool looking clubs.
Michaels and Slater start making light saber noises and
pretend to fight with their flashlights.
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - CONTINUOUS
97 97
We see the COP CAR going down the street. Evan and Seth are a
block down, shoving each other.
INT. COP CAR - CONTINUOUS
98 98
Slater turns and points his flashlight out Michaels window,
accidentally shining the light into his eyes.
OFFICER MICHAELS
My eyes!
He jerks the wheel.
EXT. SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS
99 99
Seth swings at Evan with the giant detergent jug. Evan dodges
it and shoves Seth hard. Seth stumbles onto the road and gets
HIT by the COP CAR!!! Seth flies up onto the hood, SMASHING
the windshield. The car screeches to a halt and Seth slides
off the front of the car.
Seth lies motionless, still holding one of the detergent
jugs. The cap is knocked loose and beer is spilling all over
the place.
INT. COP CAR - CONTINUOUS
100 100
Everyone in the car is looking forward, stunned. They can't
see out the front window, as it is shattered. Fogell has no
clue who the victim was.
(CONTINUED)
76.
100 CONTINUED: 100
OFFICER MICHAELS
Oh shit. Shit, shit, SHIT!
OFFICER SLATER
I don't believe this is happening again.
FOGELL
(frightened)
Oh my god...is he...are you gonna make
sure he's alright?
OFFICER SLATER
Okay, okay, we're gonna get out of the
car now. McLovin, you stay right there.
OFFICER MICHAELS
That guy better not be dead.
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - CONTINUOUS
101 101
The cops get out of the car and walk over to a now sitting up
Seth. He's dazed, but okay.
EVAN
I'm sorry! You pushed me first.
SETH
I didn't push you into fucking oncoming
traffic!
The boys notice the cops.
OFFICER MICHAELS
Is everyone alright?
SETH
(sarcastic)
We're great.
OFFICER SLATER
Well, you should be careful boys. That's
how accidents happen.
SETH
What, when cops drive like maniacs and
hop the fucking curb?
OFFICER SLATER
(intimidating)
Pardon?
EVAN
Nothing.
(CONTINUED)
77.
101 CONTINUED: 101
Evan looks like he's about to shit himself. The cops notice
one of the detergent jugs in the middle of a puddle of beer.
Slater dips his finger in rubs it against his gums like it
was cocaine.
OFFICER SLATER
Pabst. You boys been doing a bit of
drinking?
EVAN
No officer. Not at all.
OFFICER SLATER
(pointing to the other jug)
Is that more beer you got over there?
SETH
Umm, no sir, detergent.
OFFICER MICHAELS
Detergent?
SETH
My clothes are dirty.
The cops look at each other, then at the boys.
OFFICER MICHAELS
You boys stay right here.
INT. COP CAR - CONTINUOUS
102 102
Fogell anxiously sits in the cop car. He can't see what's
going on through the shattered windshield.
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - CONTINUOUS
103 103
The cops turn away and start to whisper to one another. Seth
and Evan look on, nervous.
OFFICER SLATER
Alright, Michaels. The car is completely
fucked, and you're the one who fucked it
up, so you've got to fix it.
OFFICER MICHAELS
What do I do?
OFFICER SLATER
We arrest these little crap stains and
dump it on them, I'll take care of that.
You go make sure McLovin is good to play
ball. This is it, Michaels.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
78.
103 CONTINUED: 103
OFFICER SLATER (CONT'D)
You wanna hang with the big boys, you
gotta get your hands dirty. You cool?
OFFICER MICHAELS
Yeah, I'm cool.
The cops nod to each other. Michaels goes back to the car and
gets in. Slater walks back over to the boys. He puts his hand
on his gun and pulls out his club, scaring the shit out of
Evan and Seth.
OFFICER SLATER
Get on the ground. Now! Spread your shit!
Evan and Seth lie down on their stomachs and spread their
arms and legs out, terrified.
EVAN
Puh...please don't shoot.
OFFICER SLATER
(mocking)
Puh- Puh- Please shut the fuck up!
INT. COP CAR - CONTINUOUS
104 104
Officer Michaels is sitting in the driver's seat.
FOGELL
Was the guy alright?
OFFICER MICHAELS
What? Oh, yeah, the guy was fine.
Michaels looks back at the Homeless Guy, who looks a little
bit more awake than before.
OFFICER MICHAELS (CONT'D)
Are you awake, sir?
The guy starts to open his eyes a little. Michaels grabs the
guy's face and slams it back, knocking him out again. Fogell
jumps a little.
OFFICER MICHEALS
I'm sorry, McLovin. But I really need
this to be a private thing.
Officer Michaels takes out two cigarettes, and gives one to
Fogell, who accepts, quivering in fear. Michaels lights his,
then passes the lighter to Fogell.
(CONTINUED)
79.
104 CONTINUED: 104
OFFICER MICHEALS (CONT'D)
Listen McLovin, you... like... Officer
Slater and myself, don't you?
Fogell tries to light his cigarette. It takes a few tries and
he starts hacking after the first pull.
FOGELL
(coughing)
Umm, yeah, sure. You guys are great.
OFFICER MICHAELS
Yeah, well, we're also on probation. You
see, we've actually trashed two other
cars. The first time wasn't our fault,
and the second time a bee flew in and I
freaked out. Point is, we trash another
car, without a good reason, we're fucked.
Know what I'm saying?
Fogell continues to painfully suck back on the cigarette.
FOGELL
Sure.
OFFICER MICHAELS
Now, we're going to arrest these guys,
and if you don't mind, which you
shouldn't, we'd like you to write a fake
witness report saying they jumped out in
front of our car. Cool, McLovin?
Fogell nods his head, getting some of his cigarette smoke in
his eyes. He winces and starts to blink in discomfort.
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - CONTINUOUS
105 105
Slater stands above the boys.
OFFICER SLATER
How tall are you?
EVAN
Uh...I don't know, five-foot-ten, eleven?
OFFICER SLATER
And you said those were "Pumas?"
Seth nods. Officer Michaels and Fogell get out of the car.
Seth and Evan see Fogell and stare in shock as he takes a
drag of a cigarette and then flicks it aside.
(CONTINUED)
80.
105 CONTINUED: 105
Michaels pulls Slater aside and mumbles into his ear. Fogell
turns and sees Seth and Evan - he's completely dumbfounded!
Evan starts to look really nervous, like he might literally
explode. He starts to stand up.
The cops are still talking when suddenly, Evan BOLTS!
OFFICER MICHAELS
Shit!
The cops run after Evan! Seth and Fogell look at each other.
Seth grabs the remaining detergent jug and runs off in the
opposite direction of Evan! Fogell reaches into the cop car,
grabs the bags of booze, and follows Seth.
FOGELL
Seth! Wait up!
Officer Slater looks back to see Seth and Fogell running.
OFFICER SLATER
Shit! Shit! McLovin bailed!
The cops run back into their car.
INT. COP CAR - CONTINUOUS
106 106
They can't see out of the shattered windshield.
OFFICER SLATER
Fuck!
EXT. STREET WITH COP CAR - CONTINUOUS
107 107
The cops get out of the car and run off after Seth and
Fogell. As they run, we see the Homeless Guy slump out of the
car, landing on his face with a muffled groan. He stands up,
grabs the jug of detergent that was left on the ground, and
runs off.
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - CONTINUOUS
108 108
Fogell and an exhausted Seth are running together. Seth grabs
Fogell and takes him around a house and towards a backyard. A
second later, the cops run by the house and continue up the
block.
EXT. BACK YARD - MOMENTS LATER
109 109
Seth and Fogell sprint across a big, dark backyard. Seth
looks back to see if they are being followed...BOOM!
(CONTINUED)
81.
109 CONTINUED: 109
He runs smack into a little red tent and trips onto it! KIDS
inside the tent start screaming as flashlights turn on.
KIDS
(hysterical)
Help/ It's a monster!/ Daddy!
Fogell helps Seth get up. They try to run, but Seth is caught
on the tent! He drags it a couple feet as the kids start
clawing to get out.
KIDS (CONT'D)
AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
The zipper opens and a KID hops out. The Kid looks at Seth.
KID
AHHH!!! NO!!! DADDY!!!!
FOGELL
Holy shit! Little kids!!!
A little GIRL runs out and books it into the house. From
inside the tent, another kid starts kicking at Seth.
SETH
Ow!
Seth manages to free himself from the tent and he and Fogell
fall to the ground. The kids continue to scream.
FATHER(O.S.)
Get away from my children!
The guys turn and see a crazed, slightly overweight FATHER in
his underwear running at them with a baseball bat. Fogell and
Seth scramble to their feet as the Dad takes a swing at them,
narrowly missing them.
FATHER(CONT'D)
You sick sons-of-bitches!
Fogell throws his shoulder into the guy, knocking him down.
Seth and Fogell run to the backyard gate and try to open it.
They can't.
FOGELL
Help!
Fogell starts banging as Seth looks back to see the Dad
coming for them. Seth swings the detergent jug at the Father,
knocking him on his ass. He quickly gets up and charges,
enraged.
(CONTINUED)
82.
109 CONTINUED: (2) 109
FOGELL (CONT'D)
Aaaahhh!!!!
Fogell gets the door open and the two boys run into the
alley.
CUT TO:
EXT. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS
110 110
They sprint down the alley. Seth coughs and wheezes, slowing
down as he lugs the detergent. The Father enters the alley
and sees the boys running. He throws his baseball bat. It
sails through the air and nails Seth in the back! He falls.
SETH
ARGGG!
He gets up and the keeps running.
EXT. STREET CORNER - CONTINUOUS
111 111
Slater and Michaels, completely out of breath, desperately
scan the area for the boys.
OFFICER SLATER
Stupid little bastards.
OFFICER MICHAELS
Maybe I should fire a shot? Scare `em
out?
EXT. INSIDE SOME BUSHES - CONTINUOUS
112 112
Evan is nestled inside a large bush, frantically trying to
reverse his clothes so as to disguise himself. He keeps
looking out for the cops, when suddenly he hears a gunshot -
BLAM!!!
EVAN
(to himself, mumbling)
Oh god. Oh god. Fuck. Fuck.
As he fumbles to turn his jacket inside out and get it on, he
sees Seth and Fogell running towards him. He pops out of the
bush, scaring Fogell and Seth.
FOGELL SETH
Ahh! Jesus!
EVAN (CONT'D)
Should I run!?!
(CONTINUED)
83.
112 CONTINUED: 112
SETH
Fucking run!
They all run off down the street.
EXT MAIN STREET
113 113
They turn a corner at the end of the block and continue
running.
They turn onto a main street and are exuberant at the sight
of an oncoming bus. It stops at a nearby stop. They haul ass
and make it on.
INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS
114 114
Out of breath, the boys dig up change and put it in the toll
box, then walk towards the back of the bus.
HOMELESS GUY (O.S.)
Hey! It's you!
Fogell looks up and sees the Homeless Guy stumbling towards
them, sucking back the bottom of the lost detergent bottle.
The Homeless Guy sees they have bags full of booze.
HOMELESS GUY (CONT'D)
You got booze in the bag? Can you gimme
some?
SETH
No! Fuck off! You already drank our
detergent beer!
HOMELESS GUY
That was beer?!
(to Fogell)
Well, you little shit...ain't got no cop
people to help you keep your
booze...gimme it...
The Homeless Nutcase reaches for the booze. Seth steps in
front of him.
SETH
Back off, or we'll kick the shit out of
you!
EVAN
We can't do that. He's homeless.
(CONTINUED)
84.
114 CONTINUED: 114
SETH
So? Who cares? Just because he doesn't
have a home doesn't mean he can be a
lunatic!
HOMELESS GUY
Give me the booze!
The guy shoves Seth aside and dives at Fogell.
WE GO INTO VERY SLOW MOTION:
- Helen's bottle of Goldschlager gets knocked from the bag.
It VERY SLOWLY falls towards the ground.
- Seth reaches for it, but doesn't quite grab it.
- WE LOUDLY HEAR the bottle as it slams against the bus
floor...but doesn't break! It slowly rises back up into the
air and begins sailing towards the front of the bus.
- Evan LEAPS through the air, sailing towards the precious
Goldschlager with his arms extended.
EVAN
(in slo-mo voice)
GOOOOOOOLDSCHLLLAAAAAAAGERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
- He is inches away from grabbing it, when it suddenly
smashes into a pole, SHATTERING, sending little gold flakes
everywhere.
BACK TO NORMAL.
The Homeless Guy sees the gold flakes.
HOMELESS GUY
Shit!!! Gold!!!
He starts frantically picking up the flakes as Evan stares at
the remains, shocked. Fogell walks over.
FOGELL
What the hell is going on? Where did you
come from?
BUS DRIVER
(calling from front)
Get the fuck off the bus or I'm calling
the cops!!!
The boys look at each other terrified, and get off the bus.
85.
EXT. BUS - CONTINUOUS
115 115
Seth and Evan are looking at one another coldly as the bus
pulls away. Fogell looks at some nearby street signs.
FOGELL
(ecstatic)
Holy shit! We're like three blocks away!
Best luck ever!
EXT. STREET NEAR JULES' PARTY - A LITTLE LATER
116 116
The are walking up the street as Evan puts his clothes back
on right-side out.
EXT. JULES' PARTY - MOMENTS LATER
117 117
The guys walk up the front steps of Jules' house. They stand
in front of the door.
FOGELL
Fuck yeah, guys. We made it. Together and
safe.
EVAN
I can't believe Helen's bottle broke.
FOGELL
I'm sure it'll be fine.
SETH
(sarcastic)
What's the difference? I thought you
didn't need it anyways. I thought you
were just going to tell her how you feel,
you fucking pussy.
EVAN
Yeah? Well, good luck getting Jule's
drunk enough to have sex with you.
FOGELL
What's wrong with you guys?
SETH
Shut up, Fogell. Never mind. Evan'll tell
you next year.
FOGELL
(to Evan)
You told him?
Evan stares Fogell down.
(CONTINUED)
86.
117 CONTINUED: 117
SETH
Told me what?
FOGELL
Well we have to tell him now.
EVAN
Fuck, Fogell! You're a god damn idiot.
FOGELL
Well, he knows something's up.
SETH
Just say it!
EVAN
Shit.
(beat)
Seth, me and Fogell are rooming together
next year.
FOGELL
I don't even get what the big deal is, to
be honest.
EVAN
I didn't tell you because-
SETH
Save that shit for later. We've got shit
to do.
Seth just goes into the house with the booze, leaving Fogell
and Evan.
FOGELL
We never should have had to hide our
arrangement.
INT. JULES' HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
118 118
The party is in full swing. There is loud music blaring and
nearly a hundred people talking, dancing, and smoking.
JULES
Seth! Everyone, he's here! He's got it!
Everyone turns around and sees the Seth holding all the
liquor.
RANDOM GUY
He's got a shit load of booze!!!
(CONTINUED)
87.
117 CONTINUED: (2) 117
Everyone starts cheering! Seth sets it out on the kitchen
table; it is an impressive array of inebriates.
SETH
The bar is open!
EVERYONE
(ecstatically cheering)
Yeah Seth!/Clutch!/Nice!/I can't believe
it!/Seth did that?!/ Who the fuck is
Seth?
In the background, we see Evan and Fogell wander into the
party as Jules approaches Seth.
JULES
This is awesome. Thank you so much.
SETH
Sorry it was late.
JULES
Yeah. To be honest, people were starting
to get seriously pissed off. Listen, I've
got to go tell everyone the drinks are
here. Don't go anywhere. Promise?
SETH
I'll be right here.
Jules walks off.
INT. JULES' KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER
119 119
Tons of kids pour themselves drinks. Seth and about six other
kids all have overflowing shots of Jaeger.
SETH
To Jules!
Everyone drinks and recoils from the taste. A random guy
refills everyone's shot glasses.
RANDOM GUY
(pointing to Seth)
Another one, but to you, man! Everyone,
to this guy! Who the fuck are you, man?
SETH
(exuberant)
Seth!
(CONTINUED)
88.
119 CONTINUED: 119
RANDOM GUY
To Seth!
EVERYONE
To Seth!
They all drink.
SETH
Hey! Let's do another one to me!
Everyone laughs as Seth, very pleased with himself, starts
refilling shot glasses.
EXT. JULES BACKPORCH - CONTINUOUS
120 120
Evan walks out onto the back porch, looking for Helen. He
sees Becca.
EVAN
Becca! Hey.
BECCA
Where have you been, you almost blew it.
EVAN
What?
BECCA
Helen. She's been waiting for you. She's
right over there. She's been yammering
about you all night.
EVAN
What? What did she say? Does she think
I'm a good guy? What did she say?
BECCA
It was something like, "I'll fully blow
him tonight."
EVAN
What?!?
Evan looks over and sees Helen standing on the balcony with a
big group of people. He gets really nervous.
EVAN (CONT'D)
Oh man. This is too much. Oh god. What do
I do? I lost the Goldschlager I was
supposed to bring her!
(CONTINUED)
89.
120 CONTINUED: 120
BECCA
Well, Jordana stole a bottle of tequila
from her parents and her and Helen have
been going at it. I think she'll be fine
in that department. I'd just go over
there and invite her upstairs, pronto.
EVAN
What? Oh man...
(so nervous)
But...she's totally hammered. If I get
with her, and I'm not drunk, isn't that,
like, date rape?
BECCA
It's not date rape if you're drunk, too.
EVAN
I guess.
Evan looks at Helen and takes a deep breath.
INT. JULES BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER
121 121
Evan enters the bathroom and slams the door shut, a bottle of
Ouzo in one hand and a beer in the other. He looks at himself
in the mirror, seeming as though he's on the verge of a full-
on panic attack.
EVAN
(panting)
Calm down, Evan. She likes you. She wants
to suck on your penis. That's a good
thing.
He opens the Ouzo and smells it, recoiling in disgust.
EVAN (CONT'D)
Down the hatch.
Evan takes a mighty swig, then gags and spits it out,
spraying it everywhere.
INT. JULES' DEN/ DINING ROOM- CONTINUOUS
122 122
Fogell sits bored in front of the TV, drinking a beer. He
watches a bunch of girls flirt with some boys. Everyone is
talking and laughing while he sits alone.
He walks over to the doorway of a room filled with girls
dancing. In the corner dancing is Nicola. He stares at her
for a moment, then goes back and sits in front of the TV.
(CONTINUED)
90.
122 CONTINUED: 122
He changes the channel and "COPS" comes on the screen. It
shows two cops chasing a crack head, tackling him and knee
dropping him. Fogell ponders as he watches "COPS." He throws
back the rest of his beer and marches into the room Nicola is
dancing in.
He walks up to Nicola, who is by far the best-looking girl in
the room, and starts dancing with her. She looks a bit thrown
at first, but after a few beats, she seems to like it.
FOGELL
They call you Nicola, right?
NICOLA
And they call you Fogell.
FOGELL
Some do.
They continue dancing.
I/E. JULE'S KITCHEN/BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
MONTAGE INTERCUTTING SETH AND EVAN DRINKING:
INT. JULES KITCHEN
123 123
- Seth taking shot after shot in the kitchen with everyone
else, glancing over at Jules every now and then as she walks
around the party, sending more people to drink with him.
INT. JULES BATHROOM
124 124
- Evan in the bathroom, forcing himself to brutally suck back
a disgusting amount of Ouzo. He sips from his beer, takes a
deep breath, and then starts again.
INT. JULES HOUSE
125 125
- Seth dances jokingly with a few people and tells the story
of that evening, showing them the detergent jug full of beer
and acting out the car hitting him.
INT. JULES BATHROOM
126 126
- Evan, who has drank about half the bottle and is pretty
drunk, stands up, arms reached out, and tries to walk in a
straight line. He does it fairly well. Frustrated, he sits
back down and takes another disgusting swig of Ouzo.
91.
INT. JULES HOUSE
127 127
- Jules throws Seth a smile when she sees him making everyone
laugh as he re-fills their cups with very foamy, slightly
blue-tinted beer from the detergent jug.
INT. JULES BATHROOM
129 129
- Evan can't keep his balance as he tries to touch his nose
while standing on one foot. He's drunk. He drinks from the
tap thirstily, eats some toothpaste, fixes his collar and
hair, and then gathers his courage, takes a deep breath, and
steps out of the bathroom.
EXT. BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS
129 129
Evan walks out on the balcony. He spots the circle of people
Helen was standing in, only now Helen is laying on the
ground, laughing hysterically. Everyone in the circle is
looking at her and laughing as well. Evan is extremely
nervous. Helen looks up and spots him.
HELEN
(laughing)
Evan!!! Hey! Come here!!!
Evan takes a deep breath walks up to where she's laying. She
extends her arms.
HELEN (CONT'D)
Help me up! None of these people will
help me up!
Evan notices that she seems a little drunk. He helps her up
and she collapses onto him, forcing him to hold her up.
EVAN
Hey, Helen. Sorry I was-
Helen laughs hysterically as she latches onto Evan. He smells
her breath. It reeks of alcohol.
Evan's drunk, but Helen is completely fucking shit-faced!
HELEN
Evan! Oh my god! You are so fucking
hilarious!
(to the group)
Do you goes know how fucking hilarious
Evan is?
(to Evan)
Tell them how hilarious you are!
(CONTINUED)
92.
129 CONTINUED: 129
The group looks over to Evan.
EVAN
Uh...well...uh...
HELEN
Listen to him!
Helen starts laughing hysterically.
HELEN (CONT'D)
See?!! He is so cute!
The group chuckles a little. Helen puts her arms around Evan.
HELEN (CONT'D)
I've been waiting for you for, like,
ever. What took you so long? Do you have
my Goldschlager?
EVAN
Oh man, it's a crazy story-
Helen picks up a bottle of tequila and shoves it into Evan's
hand.
HELEN
Here! Don't worry, we can drink this.
EVAN
I'm already pretty wasted.
But...uh...here's to you.
Evan takes a much-unwanted drink and gags.
HELEN
Light-weight!
Everyone laughs.
HELEN (CONT'D)
Hey...me and you should go upstairs now.
I really want to...tell you something.
EVAN
(confused and drunk)
Uh...uh...uh...you could just tell me
right here-
HELEN
(laughing)
No! Let's go upstairs, come on!
(CONTINUED)
93.
129 CONTINUED: (2) 129
Evan hears everyone giggle as Helen pulls him towards the
house. Helen trips, just managing not to fall.
HELEN (CONT'D)
Careful...
INT. JULES' DINING ROOM WITH DANCING PEOPLE - CONTINUOUS
130 130
Nicola and Fogell are standing in the corner of the room.
Nicola is looking at Fogell's ID.
NICOLA
McLovin! That's the funniest thing I've
ever seen!
FOGELL
Yeah, I just thought it sounded old.
They both laugh and their eyes meet.
INT. JULES KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
131 131
The party is in full swing and everyone is getting good and
drunk. Jules walks up to Seth, who is clearly piss drunk.
JULES
Hey, I'm back. I had to thank the peeps
for comin' out.
SETH
(really, really, drunk)
Jules! The hostess with the most-est! The
woman of the hour!
Seth takes a swig of a beer.
SETH (CONT'D)
This party's blowin' my ass off! I want
you to have a drink with me.
Seth offers her a beer.
JULES
No, thanks. I'm good. But, seriously,
thanks for getting all the drinks. It
really made the night.
SETH
It's just how I roll, Jules. No problems,
no problems.
Jules laughs and Seth sees that his charm is working.
(CONTINUED)
94.
131 CONTINUED: 131
SETH (CONT'D)
Uh...you know...I love talking, and
conversing with you, you're so good at
it, but I can't hear you. Could we just
go on the...uh...balcony or something?
Jules eyes Seth suspiciously. Seth just looks at her, smiling
drunkenly.
JULES
Why not? I haven't conversed in ages.
Let's do it.
Jules walks out of the kitchen. He finishes off his beer and
then, happy as shit, drunkenly dances out of the kitchen and
after Jules.
INT. JULES' BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
132 132
Evan practically holds Helen up, almost dropping her several
times, as they stumble into Jules' bedroom. Helen puts down
the tequila and starts kissing Evan, but it's not nice
kissing, it's sloppy porno kissing with way too much tongue.
After a few moments Evan pulls away and looks at the
remarkably drunk Helen.
EVAN
Are you okay?
HELEN
I so flirt with you in Math.
EVAN
Oh man. Helen...I want to tell you, I
mean, I've wanted to tell you, for a long
time-
HELEN
I know. I've wanted to get with you so
hard.
Helen kisses him.
HELEN (CONT'D)
Like...so hard.
Helen yanks him onto the bed and starts sloppily kissing him
again. Evan doesn't know what to do. She tries to take off
Evan's shirt, but is way too inebriated to undo the buttons.
Evan yanks it off.
HELEN (CONT'D)
Good...
(CONTINUED)
95.
132 CONTINUED: 132
Helen stands up and starts to waver back and forth. She looks
like she's about to tip over, but she catches herself and
sloppily tries to strike a sexy pose like a model.
Evan watches in dread as she starts to strip, pulling her
shirt over her head, completely failing to look sexual.
As Evan watches the tragedy unfold, he grabs the bottle of
tequila and takes a big swig. Helen sits on the floor and
concentrates on untying her shoes.
HELEN (CONT'D)
What the fuck...stupid shoe...
Evan moves over to help her. He can't do it either.
EVAN
Shit. Can you, like, slip out?
Helen tries to squeeze her feet out, but she can't. She grabs
a pair of scissors off a desk.
EVAN (CONT'D)
Whoa. Fuckin'...careful.
She snips off the knot and slips her shoe off.
HELEN
You...take off your pants...
(drunkenly waving the scissors)
Or I'll cut `em off.
Helen laughs as she staggers to her feet and start kissing
Evan. He starts taking off his pants.
INT. JULES' STAIRCASE - MOMENTS LATER
133 133
Nicola leads Fogell up the stairs.
NICOLA
I can't believe I'm about to get with
"Fogell".
FOGELL
Why?
NICOLA
I don't know. You're like, the most
mysterious guy in the grade. Like, nobody
knows anything about you.
FOGELL
Well, you're about to learn a few things.
96.
EXT. JULES' FRONT PORCH - CONTINUOUS
134 134
Jules and Seth step out onto the front porch. There is no one
else out there. The moment the door closes behind them, Seth
turns to Jules and puts his hands on her hips. He stares into
her eyes and moves in for the kiss.
Jules instantly pulls back.
JULES
Whoa! Whoa! Slow down.
SETH
What? What's wrong?
JULES
I'd...uh...prefer if we did this at some
other time.
SETH
(confused)
But...there is no other time. School's
up! This is the only time...what's wrong
with now?
JULES
Well, you're drunk. Like, really, really
drunk.
SETH
So? So are you.
JULES
I'm not drunk at all. I don't even drink.
Seth is absolutely shocked. It takes his remarkably drunk
mind a moment to process this information.
SETH
You don't drink? But...but, you told me
to get the liquor!
JULES
Yeah, I'm...uh...throwin' a party,
remember?
SETH
You don't drink!?!
JULES
No. I don't drink.
(CONTINUED)
97.
134 CONTINUED: 134
SETH
And you, don't want to...uh, you know...
JULES
Uh, no. Not right now, thank you very
much.
Seth looks at Jules and realizes that he's screwed up. His
eyes start to water.
SETH
Ahhh....man...fuck....
Seth starts to cry.
JULES
Are you crying?
SETH
No! Yeah, so what if I am? I'm a fucking
idiot and it was my last chance! So I
should be crying.
JULES
Last chance to do what?
SETH
To make you my girlfriend for the summer,
okay? There! You're, like, the coolest
person that's ever talked to me, and I
thought we'd both be drunk, but...
JULES
What would me be drunk have anything to
do with it?
SETH
`Cause you'd never get with me in your
right mind! Look at me!
(beat)
And now look at you!
Suddenly, the front door opens, and a RANDOM GIRL walks out.
RANDOM GIRL
(yelling into the house)
Hey, Ricky! Was it a quarter, or an
eighth you want?
RICKY (O.S.)
A fat eighth!
The Random Girl notices Seth and Jules.
(CONTINUED)
98.
134 CONTINUED: (2) 134
RANDOM GIRL
Whoa. Sorry.
The girl hops down the stairs and walks off as Jules stares
at the sobbing Seth.
INT. JULES' ROOM - CONTINUOUS
135 135
Evan sitting on the bed in only his boxers, and Helen is just
getting her pants off, leaving her only in her lingerie.
Evan's eyes widen. She looks at Evan and rubs her breasts in
a very un-sexy way.
HELEN
I wore this for you. Here we go...
Helen crawls onto the bed, pushes Evan down, and starts
seriously making out with him, drunker and sloppier than
ever.
HELEN (CONT'D)
Evan, I'm so wet.
EVAN
(still nervous)
You're so beautiful.
Helen shoves her hand down Evan's boxers. Evan jolts,
terrified!
HELEN
You've got such a smooth cock.
EVAN
Um...thank you. I've thought you were a
really incredible person for a really
long time.
Evan looks really nervous as Helen's hand starts moving up
and down.
HELEN
You've got to get hard for me...real
hard.
EVAN
I'm...I'm..I'm about to. But first I just
want to tell you exactly how I-
HELEN
I'm gonna suck your dick so good.
Evan is taken aback.
(CONTINUED)
99.
135 CONTINUED: 135
EVAN
You don't have to do that, you know, we
can start this relationship on something
more than just that.
HELEN
Yeah, Evan. I know.
(in a sultry, whispery voice)
I need you to eat my hairy love crack.
EVAN
Jesus Christ.
Evan sits up.
HELEN
What's wrong?
Beat.
EVAN
You don't want to do this.
HELEN
Yeah I do, I want to fuck you.
EVAN
Look, you know I really like you, Helen,
but this is...it's just too intense. And
I'm so drunk I don't even know how to,
like, process-
HELEN
You're just being a pussy.
EVAN
What? Did you just call me a...pussy?
HELEN
Yeah...a scared little pussy-
PUKE! Evan watches in horror as Helen vomits all over Jules'
bed.
EVAN
Oh god! Oh...
HELEN
I need Becca...Becca...
EVAN
I'll...uh...I'll go get her. Are you
going to be okay?
(CONTINUED)
100.
135 CONTINUED: (2) 135
HELEN
Oh God, oh God, oh...I'm puking...
PUKE! Evan winces as she throws up again.
INT. JULES PARENTS'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
136 136
Fogell is laying on his back on the bed and Nicola is
straddling him. They are kissing. Nicola sits up and takes
Fogell's hand and starts sucking his fingers.
FOGELL
I've got a boner.
NICOLA
Good. Do you have a condom?
He pulls a condom out.
FOGELL
And lube.
He pulls out a little bottle of lube.
EXT. JULES' FRONT PORCH
137 137
Seth and Jules are both seated on the stairs. Seth has his
face in his hands. Jules is patting him on the back, but
clearly feels awkward.
JULES
Seth, you...uh...
Seth looks up at her, drunk as hell, his eyes half-open.
JULES (CONT'D)
You didn't blow it, you're a-
Seth blanks out and falls forward. BAM! He head-butts Jules
in the face!
JULES (CONT'D)
AAAHHH!
Jules clutches her eye as Seth slumps onto the patio floor,
unconscious. She gets up, yelling in pain, as Seth opens his
eyes.
JULES (CONT'D)
Seth! What the fuck!
SETH
...help me...
(CONTINUED)
101.
137 CONTINUED: 137
Jules storms into the house, leaving Seth lying on the front
porch. He wiggles around a bit.
SETH (CONT'D)
...sorry...
Seth passes out again. A few moments go by, when SUDDENLY a
cop car pulls up in front of the house. Seth opens his eyes
and sees the cops.
SETH (CONT'D)
Oh no.
Two cops get out and start harassing two kids smoking a joint
on the front lawn. One of them turns on their flashlight and
Seth sees - it's OFFICER SLATER and MICHAELS!!!
SETH (CONT'D)
...Evan...
INT. JULES' HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
138 138
Evan, sitting on the couch next to Miroki (Evan's partner
from cooking class), drinking a bottle of tequila. He's
absolutely smashed.
EVAN
Life's bullshit, huh, Miroki?
Suddenly, Seth bursts into the room and grabs Evan's shirt.
EVAN (CONT'D)
Fuckin' wax off, asshole!
SETH
No...I'm helping you, man! Just listen...
Seth grabs Evan's wrists and tries to pull him to his feet.
EVAN
Fuck off, jerk! You're hurting my
shoulders!
Just then, Terry (the guy who spat on Seth in the beginning)
walks by.
TERRY
Hey! Look, it's Christina and Britney.
Have fun boning each other on grad night!
Terry and his buddies laugh their asses off when, suddenly-
(CONTINUED)
102.
138 CONTINUED: 138
KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! The loud authoritative knocking echoes
through the party and everyone looks to the door, knowing it
can only mean one thing. Someone opens the door, revealing
Officer Slater and Officer Michaels! They talk to whoever
answered the door, oblivious of Evan and Seth.
OFFICER SLATER
We had a complaint about the noise. It
looks like you're having a nice little
party here.
OFFICER MICHAELS
A nice little underage drinking party.
Evan points at the cops.
EVAN
Dude! Seth! It's the cops! The cops.
SETH
That's what I've been...! Here...
Seth pulls Evan up and the two drunkenly make their way out
of the living room just as the cops step into it.
OFFICER SLATER
Okay, everyone out. Party's over. Get out
of here.
Michaels turns to Slater.
OFFICER SLATER(CONT'D)
I'll go upstairs. I told you this would
release some anger.
OFFICER MICHAELS
I'll tell you what would release some
anger, if one of these little fuckers
touched me and I got to club his face in.
EXT. JULES' BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS
139 139
Seth and Evan run through the back yard. Seth stumbles and
falls, but quickly gets up. With great difficulty, The boys
drunkenly lift themselves up and over the fence.
INT. JULES PARENTS'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
140 140
Fogell is on top of Nicola in the missionary position.
NICOLA
Oh...uh...oh...
(CONTINUED)
103.
140 CONTINUED: 140
FOGELL
It's...it's in.
(beat)
It's in.
Fogell wears the greatest look of accomplishment one could
possibly imagine.
SUDDENLY, Officer Michaels bursts into the room and flicks on
the lights.
FOGELL (CONT'D)
What the hell?
Nicola screams, grabs her clothes, and runs into the
bathroom.
OFFICER SLATER
McLovin? What the fuck?
FOGELL
Officer Slater?
OFFICER SLATER
You ran away from us!
(turns to the door)
Michaels! Get up here!
FOGELL
No! I hit my head when we crashed. I was
all disoriented and I just wandered off,
confused. Seriously!
OFFICER MICHAELS
Shut the fuck up! Wait a minute. How old
was that girl? 16, 17? You sick bastard,
that's statutory rape, McLovin.
Officer Slater appears in the doorway.
OFFICER SLATER
McLovin!
OFFICER MICHAELS
He was violating a sixteen year-old girl!
FOGELL
What? No! No!
Fogell covers himself with the blanket and starts to get up.
(CONTINUED)
104.
140 CONTINUED: (2) 140
FOGELL (CONT'D)
I didn't break the law! I'm not really
even-
OFFICER MICHAELS
Sit your ass down and keep it down.
OFFICER SLATER
You're going to jail, fucko.
Nicola, now dressed, emerges from the bathroom. She screams
and runs out. They take Fogell's arms and handcuff him.
OFFICER SLATER (CONT'D)
(to Fogell)
They don't take kindly to your type in
jail, McLovin.
EXT. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS
141 141
Drunk, joyful, and out of breath, the boys stop running.
EVAN
Dude. You saved me!
SETH
I totally did! I wanted to!
EVAN
Wanna sleep at my house, man? You're my
best friend!
SETH
Yeah! Sleepover! Fuckin...you got pizza
bagels still?
EVAN
Yeah!!!! Look what else I gots!
Evan pulls a half bottle of tequila.
SETH
Nice!
They start to drink it together.
EXT. JULES' FRONT YARD - CONTINUOUS
142 142
All the kids from the party have congregated in the front
yard. The cop car is parked right in front. We see the
Officers dragging Fogell through the crowd of kids.
(CONTINUED)
105.
142 CONTINUED: 142
TERRY (O.S.)
Stupid pigs.
SUDDENLY, a WAD OF SPIT hits Slater in the shoulder! He turns
and sees Terry, the guy who spat on Seth. Slater walks over
and bashes the kid in the face with his nightstick. The kid
drops.
OFFICER SLATER
There you go.
OFFICER MICHAELS
That does feel better.
They throw Fogell into the back of the cop car.
INT. COP CAR - CONTINUOUS
143 143
The cops both get in and slam their doors. They just stare
forward.
FOGELL
So...am I going to jail?
The two cops burst out laughing hysterically.
OFFICER SLATER
(laughing his ass off)
Yeah!! You're going to fuckin' Azkaban!!!
FOGELL
What?
OFFICER MICHAELS
You are the funniest fuckin' kid I have
ever met!
OFFICER SLATER
We've been fuckin' with you! Jesus! I
love this kid!
FOGELL
I don't understand!
OFFICER SLATER
We know you're not twenty five! What are
we, morons? My god! What are you?
Sixteen?
FOGELL
Seventeen.
(CONTINUED)
106.
143 CONTINUED: 143
OFFICER MICHAELS
Seventeen! Ha! We had you going, McLovin!
EXT. BUS - SOON AFTER
144 144
Seth and Evan sit at the back of the empty bus together.
EVAN
Is the bang bus anything like this?
Seth cracks up laughing.
EXT. SHOPWELL'S - PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
145 145
The cop car is spinning donuts in the middle of the empty
lot. It stops. Fogell and Officer Michaels get out, both
smiling. The driver side window rolls down, reveal Slater.
OFFICER SLATER
Alright, boys. What I'm about to show you
is pretty much the greatest move in donut-
spinning history. Behold: the reverse
figure-eight.
Slater drives to the other side of the lot.
FOGELL
So, like, what's your official position?
OFFICER MICHAELS
If you were in, you were in. You are no
longer a virgin, end of story. Screw
cumming.
Suddenly, Slater guns it and speeds across the lot, slamming
the breaks, spinning wildly in several erratic donuts
backward donuts.
Slater completely loses control of the car. He smashes
through a bunch of shopping carts and slams into a light
post, completely fucking up the cruiser.
Slater tries to open his door, but it won't budge. He crawls
out the missing windshield, slumping onto the ground.
OFFICER SLATER
Alright. I think that's all the fun we're
gettin' out of this one.
EXT. CLIFFSIDE - LATER
146 146
Slater hands Fogell his note pad.
(CONTINUED)
107.
146 CONTINUED: 146
OFFICER SLATER
...and by signing this you are officially
saying that as we stopped you from being
mugged, a crack-head stole our cruiser
and did God knows what with it.
FOGELL
Of course. That mugger had nothing but
murder in his eyes. I owe you my life.
Fogell signs the pad.
OFFICER MICHAELS
Can we do this already?
The cops and Fogell push the cruiser towards a small, but
steep, hill. They shove it over the edge and watch it roll.
It gains speed and smashes into a tree, shattering the
windows and crushing the front of the car.
OFFICER MICHAELS (CONT'D)
Can we shoot at it?
OFFICER SLATER
I don't know, can you?
They whip out their guns.
OFFICER SLATER (CONT'D)
I'm throwin' down the gauntlet. 50 bucks.
Whoever hits the gas tank.
OFFICER MICHAELS
You are so fucking on.
FOGELL
Can I get a shot?
Slater hands Fogell his gun. With a huge smile, Fogell raises
the gun, aims it at the police cruiser, and BLASTS off round
after round.
INT. EVAN'S BASEMENT - NIGHT
147 147
Seth and Evan are lying in sleeping bags beside one another.
The now empty bottle of Tequila lies between them. They are
laughing very hard, still drunk off their asses.
SETH
I can't believe she said that shit.
EVAN
Oh my lord. You have no idea!
(CONTINUED)
108.
147 CONTINUED: 147
They laugh harder.
EVAN (CONT'D)
And then you saved me, man! I fucking
love you!
SETH
I fucking love you, too, man! I'm not
embarrassed, I just love you!
EVAN
Why don't we say that more? It feels
good! I love you more than my brother,
man. Like, when you went away for Easter
last year, I, like, missed you. You know?
SETH
I missed you, too. Come here, man.
Seth grabs Evan and they hug.
SETH (CONT'D)
We'll always be friends. `Cause we love
each other.
They stop hugging and sit back down. They're laughter slows
down and there is a moment of silence.
SETH (CONT'D)
Like, three weeks ago I was in you room
and, like, you were taking a dump and...I
saw your residence placement thingy. I
totally saw you're living with Fogell.
So, like-
EVAN
I'm sorry, man.
SETH
Don't be! Don't be! I'm sorry. I was
being a bitch.
EVAN
I need you to know that it's not like I
even want to live with Fogell; it's just
that I'm really afraid of living with
strangers.
There is a moment of silence.
(CONTINUED)
109.
147 CONTINUED: (2) 147
SETH
You know...I was pissed off I didn't get
with Jules, but, like...we really got
through a lot of our shit, you know?
EVAN
Yeah, me too. Like, yeah...at least we
kind of came together, again.
Beat.
EVAN (CONT'D)
Good night, Seth. I love you.
SETH
Night, Evan. Love you, man.
INT. EVAN'S HOUSE - BASEMENT - THE NEXT MORNING
148 148
Evan wakes up and looks over at Seth, who is also waking.
They look at each other extremely awkwardly, almost as though
they drunkenly had sex with each other last night.
EVAN
Oh...uh...hey. Morning.
SETH
Uh...morning.
They stare at each other, uncomfortable.
EVAN
You sleep good?
SETH
Yeah. This is a really good pillow.
EVAN
Um...
Seth looks at his watch.
SETH
Maybe I should get going.
EVAN
You don't have to. I'm not, like, doing
anything.
Beat.
(CONTINUED)
110.
148 CONTINUED: 148
SETH
Oh...do you want to hang out? I
was...gonna go to the mall, actually.
EVAN
Oh. Cool, well, can I come? I need a
comforter. For college.
SETH
Yeah. That'd be nice. I'd really like
that.
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - NEXT DAY
149 149
Evan is standing in the pants section of a department store.
Seth walks out of the dressing room wearing jeans that are
way too small.
EVAN
Don't ask me. I don't give a shit if your
pants look good.
SETH
Well, I need someone's opinion.
EVAN
Fine. They're way too small.
SETH
Yeah, but when I was wearing your dad's
pants last night I realized that if I buy
pants that are too small it'll encourage
me to lose weight. And in tight pants
chicks'll kind of see my dick a little.
EVAN
Yeah, the male camel toe look is really
big this year.
Seth goes back into the dressing room and wriggles out of the
pants. He walks out.
SETH
These pants suck. Let's the get the fuck
out of here.
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE
150 150
They walk through the department store, when suddenly, Evan
sees Helen and Jules looking at comforters.
ANGLE ON: Helen and Jules
(CONTINUED)
111.
150 CONTINUED: 150
HELEN
Again, I'm so sorry. I can't believe I
actually did that.
JULES
I feel sorry that I'm making you buy me a
new one.
HELEN
I have to. It's puke.
ANGLE ON: Seth and Evan
EVAN
Holy shit!
Helen looks like hell and Jules has a horrible black eye.
SETH
Is that them?
They stare at the two girls from afar.
EVAN
Should we hide?
Helen looks and notices them. She waves and points them out
to Jules. Seth and Evan wave back. The girls get up and start
to walk over.
SETH
(pretending to smile)
Fuck that, man. I can't talk to her, look
what I did to her!
EVAN
(pretending to smile)
Helen called me a pussy to my face! What
am I going to say to her?
The girls walk up to them.
HELEN JULES
Hi Evan, Seth. Hey guys.
EVAN SETH
Hi Helen, Hi Jules. Jules. Helen. Hi.
Everyone looks very embarrassed.
SETH
Oh my god. I'm so sorry, Jules.
(CONTINUED)
112.
150 CONTINUED: (2) 150
JULES
It's okay.
EVAN
(to Helen)
How are you feeling?
HELEN
Not bad, but not great, how about you?
SETH
(to Jules)
That looks terrible. No! I mean, it
doesn't look terrible, it looks-
JULES
Don't worry about it, Seth. It was an
accident.
EVAN
(to Helen)
Did you have fun last night?
JULES
(to Seth)
Do you remember much?
HELEN
(to Evan)
I really don't remember much.
SETH
(to Jules)
Not really. I remember looking up, and
you screaming at me. That's about it.
Jules laughs.
HELEN
(to Evan)
I didn't puke on you, did I?
Evan laughs.
EVAN
No, I dodged it. Whizzed right by me.
SETH
(to Jules)
But seriously, I acted like a fuckin'
idiot last night. I'm really sorry, you
didn't deserve that.
(CONTINUED)
113.
150 CONTINUED: (3) 150
HELEN
(to Evan)
Yeah, I...um...I'm sorry, about all that.
Thanks for being such a gentleman.
There is a moment of silence.
SETH
You look good with a black eye.
They all chuckle a little.
JULES
Thanks, smart guy. That's why I'm here. I
have to go to Macy's to get a shitload of
cover-up for the grad photo.
SETH
(mortified)
Oh man...
HELEN
Yeah, and I'm going to Linen Brothers to
buy Jules a new comforter.
EVAN
Oh! I have to get a comforter too, for
college.
JULES
(flirtatiously, joking)
So, you gonna come with me to Macy's and
buy me my cover-up, or what?
SETH
Yes! Definitely. I'd love to. I had such
bad acne last year, I became an expert on
the stuff.
EVAN
You could get your college pants there.
SETH
Yeah, but wait...you drove me here, Evan
drove me here, how do we-
JULES
I've got my dad's car. I'll take you
home, and Evan can give Helen a lift.
HELEN
That sounds good.
(CONTINUED)
114.
150 CONTINUED: (4) 150
EVAN
Maybe we can go eat after?
HELEN
Sweet.
Seth and Evan look at each other, odd smiles on both their
faces. They didn't blow it.
SETH
So, uh, I'll call you later.
EVAN
Yeah man, have a good one.
JULES
Come on, Seth. Let's go.
Jules pulls Seth away. Evan and Helen start walking in the
opposite direction.
As they walk away from one another, Seth and Evan look back
and give each other a small and yet emotionally-charged wave.
A SLOW, GUT WRENCHING SOUL SONG STARTS TO PLAY. They look as
though they're never going to see each other again.
INT. MACY'S ESCALATOR
151 151
As Jules and Seth walk into Macy's and Helen and Evan descend
an escalator, the music swells to a mind-fuckingly awesome
crescendo, and we humbly fade to black...
THE END
END CREDIT SEQUENCE:
We flip through Seth's seemingly endless penis drawings from
childhood. They are hilarious.
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